I finally told my friends of my husband's BPD behavior, but feel I betrayed him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night I had dinner with three close friends (I have known them since childhood).   I completely opened up with them last night about the difficulties with my husband and offered several anecdotes to illustrate his crazy behavior.  For several months I've felt like I'm unraveling--I'm just not me anymore.  I've become concerned that my change for the worse in mood/personality is evident to everyone.  Some days I feel like all my energy goes toward trying to appear like everything is OK in my life.  The ironly is that for all my efforts to appear normal, I fear I appear like I'm completely nuts. 

I suppose I just wanted to give an explaination as to why I haven't been myself because it embarrasses me to know that I now appear to be a person with "problems".  I  have a real aversion to being pitied.  Additionally, I've always been the one that people have come to with their problems.  I've jokingly been called Dr. Bronwen because of the sound advice I give.  Now I feel like a complete mess.

I also now feel like I was telling tales out of school.  Some of things I told them that he does made their mouths hang open.  One of my friends works for my H and cannot understand how he can be so admired, even loved, and successful at the office while he comes home and acts like a lunatic toward me. She has known for a while about his crazy behavior, but hadn't heard the stories I told last night.   I know I sound like an abused wife-not physically, but mentally.  That bothers me because I know better than to tolerate this kind of treatment.  I don't know how I've allowed myself to become so entangled in this.  I'm an educated, intelligent woman.  I never thought I was so weak as to stand for this for one minute let alone five years.  How did this happen to me?

Anyway, I wasn't trying to malign him, I was just trying to offer an explanation to why I have not been myself for a while.  Still, I feel guilty.  Even though I am slowly working my way toward ending this relationship he is still my husband after all.  This is all just so insane.

[bronwen]

Last night I had dinner with three close friends (I have known them since childhood).   I completely opened up with them last night about the difficulties with my husband and offered several anecdotes to illustrate his crazy behavior.  For several months I've felt like I'm unraveling--I'm just not me anymore.  I've become concerned that my change for the worse in mood/personality is evident to everyone.  Some days I feel like all my energy goes toward trying to appear like everything is OK in my life.  The ironly is that for all my efforts to appear normal, I fear I appear like I'm completely nuts. 

I suppose I just wanted to give an explaination as to why I haven't been myself because it embarrasses me to know that I now appear to be a person with "problems".  I  have a real aversion to being pitied.  Additionally, I've always been the one that people have come to with their problems.  I've jokingly been called Dr. Bronwen because of the sound advice I give.  Now I feel like a complete mess.

I also now feel like I was telling tales out of school.  Some of things I told them that he does made their mouths hang open.  One of my friends works for my H and cannot understand how he can be so admired, even loved, and successful at the office while he comes home and acts like a lunatic toward me. She has known for a while about his crazy behavior, but hadn't heard the stories I told last night.   I know I sound like an abused wife-not physically, but mentally.  That bothers me because I know better than to tolerate this kind of treatment.  I don't know how I've allowed myself to become so entangled in this.  I'm an educated, intelligent woman.  I never thought I was so weak as to stand for this for one minute let alone five years.  How did this happen to me?

Anyway, I wasn't trying to malign him, I was just trying to offer an explanation to why I have not been myself for a while.  Still, I feel guilty.  Even though I am slowly working my way toward ending this relationship he is still my husband after all.  This is all just so insane.

[Krakatoa]

I initially felt enormously guilty about talking to anyone about what went on. It took my mother to point out... ."She's treated you like sht.Why oh why on earth are you STILL defending her?"

That's what bpdfamily is for... .

Go for it. Get it out. It's been extremely good for me. 

We get it. Hopefully, we understand and there are many wiser voices out there than mine here.

[JoannaK]

Hmmm... .I never felt guilty about telling anyone anything about him.  I did feel guilty about telling them the same stuff over and over for years.  I stopped talking about it for awhile because I knew my friends were tired of it.  But he treated me like ___ and I realized it from early on.  I had no reason to defend him... .except that I continued with him for all of those years.

Bronwen, you need to open up to people.  You need help, especially as you try to find your way through this.  If he didn't treat you like dogdoo, you wouldn't have any need to tell people about the nasty things he does. 

[Krakatoa]

Jk... .sorry to interrupt this thread  as it's Bronwens. I felt guilty as it was a reflection upon me as well.

[downnout]

bronwen - don't feel guilty - I've told my closest friends and close co-workers and employer HR person (for awareness and protection if needed). My co-workers said, 'yeah, we could tell something was miserably up the way you looked'. And the more you have to support you and 'try' to understand what you've been through is a good thing. I wouldnt go blabbing it to the world of course, but those close - very good thing. Most can't understand as we know you have to experience it to know it, but it's great to have some support and understanding of your feelings and situation.

Of course there's always us here at bpdfamily too!

[bronwen]

My co-workers said, 'yeah, we could tell something was miserably up the way you looked'.

A few comments just like this are what got me worried that everyone is "concerned".  Not too long ago, I had dinner with someone I hadn't seen in 15 years.  Later, a mutual friend told me that the old friend asked what was up with me because I looked beat and didn't act like myself.  That bothered me. I used to pride myself on the fact that I was an upbeat person that people wanted to be around, now I feel like I'm a big downer a lot of the time.  Realizing that this marriage is sucking the life out of me is what has made me want to make some positive changes in my life.

[izzymae]

bronwen, I think one of the best things you can do is confide in friends... .and family if possible. They are all really supporting me and have (unbelievably) for the last 9 years... .I know they get tired of hearing about it all and I feel more guilty for talking about it all to them off an on for 9 years... .just like JoannaK... .but they are still there and it has been a big help in my life. keep confiding... .in them and in us nookies!:) it really helps... .one can only carry so much weight of the world or someone elses' world on their shoulders... .

[meredith]

when you open your mouth and talk about it, you give up a certain amount of control.  the issue basically passes from being the property of your mind alone to being part of the permanent record and the property of several minds, and there's no way of taking it back and only limited ability to influence what they do with the information.  you lose version control, and that can be scary, especially when you've been around the BPD brain-suck for a while and you're not sure any more that you can predict how 'normal' people behave. 

i know there's some kind of primitive mental logic that doesn't ask the conscious parts of the mind what it thinks; it just interprets 'scared' as 'guilty'.  it basically says 'bad stuff coming' and then completes the logic as 'so i must have done something to bring it on.'  could it be that you feel guilty because you know he would freak out if he heard?  if so, then it might just be fear, which would make sense.  it doesn't have to mean that you buy the morality and the logic he'd follow. 

it seems reasonable to me to feel a bit fragile after breaking silence, but it also sounds like your friends took it the 'right' way, and believed you.

[bronwen]

Meredith you nailed it exactly. 

While the shtty state of my marriage and the fact that my husband is a 'little wacky' in the eyes of others have never really been secret, I haven't shared the depth of what I go through with him with anyone other than my therapist and my mother.  It is scary putting it out there.

One of the friends I was with the other night is married to an alcoholic (and is having a very hard time of it) and we've talked about our common difficulties, but not in a truly deep, bare your soul sort of way.  When I let it all out the other night I was in a bad place.  Coming to terms with the disaster that is my marriage has been coming to a head and I just blurted it all out.  I felt like I do sometimes in therapy sessions. Once it started coming out it was an unstoppable deluge.

I'm embarrassed that it's out there.  It's funny because my life is an open book in so many ways almost to the point where I over-share a lot of things, but I've always skirted around the perimeter of the issues with my husband.  I've talked about our problems and sometimes what I've said about him shows him in a pretty poor light (although nothing more than agreeing with what people have already seen with their own eyes), but I've never slammed him by telling the uncensored truth like I did the other night.  I just feel lnaked now.

[Minky]

I kept his behaviours under wraps for all the time we were together.  I was way too embarassed to tell - fearing the "why are you still with him?" questions.  I would lie and cover up for him continuously - it became a second nature.

The problem is when it is too far gone and you start to tell people - they think it's a case of sour grapes and that you are exagerating!

[downnout]

A few comments just like this are what got me worried that everyone is "concerned".  Not too long ago, I had dinner with someone I hadn't seen in 15 years.  Later, a mutual friend told me that the old friend asked what was up with me because I looked beat and didn't act like myself.  That bothered me. I used to pride myself on the fact that I was an upbeat person that people wanted to be around, now I feel like I'm a big downer

... .I know exactly what you mean... .hence the nickname 'down n out'

[whattodo?]

This subject is always on my mind.  I feel the need to vent to friends and I am embarrassed to tell them that my marriage is a failure.  I also think that they would gossip.  Also, the single girlfriends would be waiting for me to come back to them so they'd have me back again to go out with every night.  I cry to my mother everyday about BPDH and also T once a week.  I also told one girlfriend and an old boyfriend about my problems. 

[DaisyBelle]

I think there is also a subconcious component to it: you know that the BP's behavior toward you is very wrong, but admitting to yourself that you choose someone so flawed is very painful and difficult. Still, your subconcious is begging for validation that this BP behavior is wrong and that you are very justified in leaving. I think that's the basis for all these stories spilling out: you want someone to say, it's OK. It's really not you and you need to move on with your life.

I know I felt deeply humiliated and shamed to have married someone who treated me so badly; I felt so stupid, like I was duped and then had to come forward and admit to my family and friends - who shelled out money for a bridal shower & wedding, and traveled God knows how many miles to attend my wedding - that I picked someone who was so cruel to me. I felt like I was the victim of a pyramid scheme or something. Like a bait and switch.

I think the initial stage is to hide all of these bad stories, because (1) you're hoping they'll go away and (2) you're ashamed to admit that YOU - a smart, interesting, educated person - had fallen for someone who is so deeply disturbed. I felt like it was my fault that I didn't see the signs before I married him.  This is very typical of an abuse victim.

The second stage is finally blurting out all these stories - and I think it was my subconscious way of wanting people to validate what I already knew: this BP behavior is *not* right and getting away from it is very, very necessary.

Still, if you're the sort of person who works hard and is dedicated to resolving life's difficulties, it's hard to just walk away without tending to the problem.  But sometimes having others tell you how bad it is gives you the impetus to move on & be brave. It's hard to hammer into your head that it's not YOU, it's the other person. Surely, no one's perfect, but that doesn't justify the level of raging and craziness the BP is injecting into your life.

BP's put on a very good show, but unfortunately it ends when you're behind closed doors. Expect that others will be shocked by what you have to say, but that doesn't mean they don't believe you. It just means the BP is in fact a BP:  manipulative and charming.

Also, as a mature individual, you are likely not the sort to gossip and malign people. So when you tells these stories, you feel as if your allegience is faltering and that you're the one doing something wrong. You're not - you know why? Because you're simply stating FACTS. Facts are very different than gossip.

Additionally, your BP relies very strongly on the fact that you're a mature individual who doesn't gossip. This maturity protects him and allows him to continue his BP behavior. You were probably chosen for this facet of your personality.

Relying on your friends and family is very important at this stage. You might need to be repeatedly reminded of these BP incidents when he turns the charm back on. Friends and family are good at reining you back in when the re-engagement comes, as it likely will.  They'll record these stories for you in their minds and remind you of them when you feel swayed to fall back into the BP's clutches.

This is a pattern that will not change. You will always be treated this way if you remain with this person. You are in love with a mirage; a mirage that was created by a very ill person who will not change.  Please don't be afraid to reach out to the family and friends who truly love and know you; isolation will only help the BP continue with his negative behavior.

Wishing you better times ahead in your life.

-Daisy

[LoveLost]

I feel betrayal by talking to friends and even being on this board... .but we need to look after ourselves too. We have that right and we have to remind ourselves of that.

[michel71]

I think there is also a subconcious component to it: you know that the BP's behavior toward you is very wrong, but admitting to yourself that you choose someone so flawed is very painful and difficult. Still, your subconcious is begging for validation that this BP behavior is wrong and that you are very justified in leaving. I think that's the basis for all these stories spilling out: you want someone to say, it's OK. It's really not you and you need to move on with your life.

I know I felt deeply humiliated and shamed to have married someone who treated me so badly; I felt so stupid, like I was duped and then had to come forward and admit to my family and friends - who shelled out money for a bridal shower & wedding, and traveled God knows how many miles to attend my wedding - that I picked someone who was so cruel to me. I felt like I was the victim of a pyramid scheme or something. Like a bait and switch.

I think the initial stage is to hide all of these bad stories, because (1) you're hoping they'll go away and (2) you're ashamed to admit that YOU - a smart, interesting, educated person - had fallen for someone who is so deeply disturbed. I felt like it was my fault that I didn't see the signs before I married him.  This is very typical of an abuse victim.

The second stage is finally blurting out all these stories - and I think it was my subconscious way of wanting people to validate what I already knew: this BP behavior is *not* right and getting away from it is very, very necessary.

Still, if you're the sort of person who works hard and is dedicated to resolving life's difficulties, it's hard to just walk away without tending to the problem.  But sometimes having others tell you how bad it is gives you the impetus to move on & be brave. It's hard to hammer into your head that it's not YOU, it's the other person. Surely, no one's perfect, but that doesn't justify the level of raging and craziness the BP is injecting into your life.

BP's put on a very good show, but unfortunately it ends when you're behind closed doors. Expect that others will be shocked by what you have to say, but that doesn't mean they don't believe you. It just means the BP is in fact a BP:  manipulative and charming.

Also, as a mature individual, you are likely not the sort to gossip and malign people. So when you tells these stories, you feel as if your allegience is faltering and that you're the one doing something wrong. You're not - you know why? Because you're simply stating FACTS. Facts are very different than gossip.

Additionally, your BP relies very strongly on the fact that you're a mature individual who doesn't gossip. This maturity protects him and allows him to continue his BP behavior. You were probably chosen for this facet of your personality.

Relying on your friends and family is very important at this stage. You might need to be repeatedly reminded of these BP incidents when he turns the charm back on. Friends and family are good at reining you back in when the re-engagement comes, as it likely will.  They'll record these stories for you in their minds and remind you of them when you feel swayed to fall back into the BP's clutches.

This is a pattern that will not change. You will always be treated this way if you remain with this person. You are in love with a mirage; a mirage that was created by a very ill person who will not change.  Please don't be afraid to reach out to the family and friends who truly love and know you; isolation will only help the BP continue with his negative behavior.

Wishing you better times ahead in your life.

-Daisy

I know this is an old thread but I wanted to post this quote because it speaks to what I am going through. In a desperate state I reached out to some friends via email. My uPBDw "hacked" into my email and discovered them. She went nuts and said that I had betrayed her. The emails were a vent, a rant if you like, yet they were not as disparaging to her as they were mostly just vomiting up my suffering for the last several months.

The problem is that our therapist agrees with her... .that it was a betrayal of trust... .and that couples should not bring their relationship problems to their friends. The T also does NOT agree that my wife is BPD ( the BPD thing came out in the emails... .I was NEVER going to tell my wife that I thought she had this).

It is like I am choosing to protect my mental health and sanity rather than protect our marital confidences. Should I feel bad for that? Please weigh in. I get stuck in FOG and I am losing some perspective on this.

[overcomer]

It's not your bag of crap to lug around.  They are so worried about their image and reputation that you feel the pressure to help them maintain it.  That's part of the codependency.  I can remember the first time I told my friend about my uBPDw and her behavior.  It felt like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders.  Up to that point I carried her dirty little secret all by my lonesome.  It actually made me look bad because I had become so withdrawn, isolated, and nervous.  Little did people know (not even my own family) that the cause of my behavior was how she acted at home and in private.  She's a high functioning and high achieving BPD with great social skills.  I've told others since then but only those close to me that I can trust.  I left a year ago but haven't really told anyone what I've been through.  It's not their business plus I have three kids with her so I need to stay cordial.  I'm out of there so I see no need to stir up trouble for myself.  She worries what I tell others about her and asks me about it.  I can truthfully say to her I have only shared it with those very close to me and they have promised to keep it confidential.  It provides her with a bit of safety and stability.

I don't pick the bag of crap up but neither do I light it on fire and fling it at her or people around me.  I gave it back.  It's not mine to worry about anymore.

[michel71]

Mine is now convinced that I have told EVERYBODY and now won't go with me to any social events. I tried telling her otherwise but she doesn't believe me. IT doesn't seem to have any significance to her that she violated MY trust and hacked into my email. IT is all about her as usual.