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Author Topic: Thinking about getting back together...  (Read 2980 times)
Skippy
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« on: April 20, 2006, 03:59:52 PM »

History: Been NC for 7 months , Son told by BP not to call me anymore (5 months ago)... .Still stay in touch with an aunt, but Chinese wall in place.

Event: Yesterday, received e-mail from Aunt and she inadvertently violated the wall.  She had dinner with Son.  He explained that he was prohibited from communicating with  me as I would use him to work my way back into the relationship.  I didn't sense from the communication that he believes that, but he doesn't want to violate his mother (apparently she asks about it regularly) - but he has been thinking about calling me and not telling her.  Aunt feels it is so unfair because she knows how much I love him and how he cares about me.



My first reaction is about Son. I love him and I've always supported his mother and I will always (if it ever come up).  I don't want him to call me on the "sly" (as much as I want to hear from him).  He's 18 and I  want him to call me, and if asked, be willing to stand up for it.  And if not this time and for me, then the next time for whatever he believes in... .He knows the door is open... .and if he wants , he will walk through it.

My second reaction was to smile. What is BP thinking?  Why would I even consider going back into this drama?  This thought had not crossed my mind since NC (although I didn't realize that until now).  Anyone who reads my posts knows that I still profess my love for her and there is still some grieving going on.    It's surprising to me that I can cherish the memory, and I can grieve... .and at the same time, an even a fleeting thought of reconciliation, or even sending an e-mail strikes a rather emotionless "thanks, but no thanks" gut reaction.

My third reaction was to Aunt's statement that he is happy.  For this I am delighted.  She seemed happy too.  I am certainly not needed in any of this.  They are OK.

I need to talk to Aunty about keeping the bricks in the wall... .both directions.  It was her first breach... .and maybe I just need to tell her less.  She has a good heart.

God I miss them.  And God, I embrace reality of it all.  And I don't expect to ruminate on this at all.

Today I'm making a counter bid on a new house.  I have dinner tonight with that cute molecular biologist from the university.

Well its my first break in NC (sorta)... .first  test... .felt OK.


Edited (removed "do I sound OK? question).



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JoannaK
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« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2006, 04:01:35 PM »

Skip, this is a joke, right? 
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Skippy
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« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2006, 04:05:59 PM »

Yikes!  No.  Maybe I need to tweak this one.


Note: I edited the originl post to remove a question
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hokuhonu
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« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2006, 04:23:46 PM »

Maybe you just need to change the title.  From the way I'm reading this you AREN'T thinking about getting back together, right?  You are just thinking about how this break in the NC is affecting you and are pleased that you haven't fallen completely apart? or? WHAT?

Otherwise, you are not the Skip whose story I've been reading... .
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Skippy
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« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2006, 04:28:19 PM »

I love her.  I miss her.  I grieve the loss. 

I don't want to break NC.  No desire to go back or even entertain a minute of being on the fringe of the drama.  It was just on drip over the NC wall, but I can feel the drama even in it.

It all feels just fine this way. No anger. No resentment.  Some melancholy.  No unfinished business.  No desire to respond.

It's over.  Not just in my mind, but in my heart, my bones... .

7 months.
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amybeth79
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« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2006, 04:34:38 PM »

Skip,

This is natural, and I'm sorry you are going thru it.  Losing the people we once loved and trusted hurts; regardless of the 'truths' we may now know.

Hang in there.

Best,

Amy
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Krakatoa
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« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2006, 05:12:57 PM »

Skip.

Thinking of you.

Don't do anything rash... .a rash created by an itch that will not disappear right now.

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Skippy
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2006, 05:30:23 PM »

I must really be communicating poorly today... .Sorry to all... .

Four months ago, I would have reacted to this experience... .even if it was in the quiet of my own room.  Today, nothing.. well, other than the happiness that it is nothing.

I've forced my behavior, against all internal desires to go NC (it was so painful), I've educated myself on BP which was more confusing than reading someone else's biochemistry classnotes, and I've ripped into myself about what is and is not important... .what kind of human am I.  None of the above was fun, but always making progress, just never sure when I would get to the end;

but its all finally come together.

I really feel good about it.

I remember someone saying that they were on the "other side" (recovered) and wished they could just pull me over.

I'm really over.

Skip









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izzymae
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2006, 05:34:39 PM »

hey skipper... .I miss your pictures and how they change each week! when you coming back from sabbatical? Smiling (click to insert in post)

I read this too and you did get us you silly dawg with that post title... .

I'm glad you are feeling strong after that indirect contact... .glad you have the door open for your son too... .so important for him! Smiling (click to insert in post) you are doing so GREAT!
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Jose

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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2006, 05:49:44 PM »

I love her.  I miss her.  I grieve the loss. 

I don't want to break NC.  No desire to go back or even entertain a minute of being on the fringe of the drama.  It was just on drip over the NC wall, but I can feel the drama even in it.

It all feels just fine this way. No anger. No resentment.  Some melancholy.  No unfinished business.  No desire to respond.

It's over.  Not just in my mind, but in my heart, my bones... .

7 months.

I won't tell you what you already know.

My heart is with you, as I also miss her, love her, and grief the loss.

Keep you head up. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Nel~
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« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2006, 08:22:02 PM »

SKIP--- you tripped me up with that title too! ! !

My thoughts on your post... .your son, at 18, is at the verge of manhood... .and realizing with new adult eyes as to who is pure, and who is 'tainted'.

While the exBPD woman/(his mother) is telling him "DON"T CONTACT YOUR DAD"... . deep down, I think, your son knows what he will do, & what he wants to do.

And, as he matures even more, & gets out on his own, one day, he might just write off his mother for trying to ruin your/his Father/Son relationship, and then she might feel the loss... .

YOu know the old saying... .What Goes Around - Comes Around... .

PEACE  ~Nel  =^... ^=

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luis

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« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2006, 08:35:30 PM »

standing by.

I was reminded once.  Luis, you have come as far as seeking help because things were not good.

Skip, as alluring as things may become remember the bad things.

The madness is evident in her believing and even stating that you would pursue her even now.

Truly good ridance for all of us.

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Silent Alarm
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« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2006, 08:23:36 AM »

Skip, I'm still not sure I understand the thread... .what I'm getting out of it is that you are shaken/disturbed/provoked by the contact, that it's made you think of a lot of things and maybe doubt yourself, and you're telling yourself all the right things to get your mind back on track.  Or maybe this is the Silent Alarm / Skip translation malfunction again.

It could be that you're really feeling nothing over the contact, and if that's the case, then that is good news indeed.

If there's anything going on in your heart that is confusing you or disturbing you, spend some time going through your posts of the last 7 months.  Review your journals and your notes.  Remember the truth, remember the healing you've done, remember how quickly it can be un-done, how fragile it is.  Stay strong, and remember that despite what emotions you might feel, you know the truth about yourself, her, and this relationship.

As for your son, he is 18 now.  He will make his decisions, and they will likely be the right ones.  Stay true, strong, healthy, and sane, and he will want you in his life.
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hokuhonu
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2006, 09:05:42 AM »

Nope, I firmly believe the Skipster is doing a Gulfstream on us.

While there was a little chink in the wall, he didn't do a Humpty-Dumpty off of it.  He recognizes it for what it is, recognizes pain for what it is, her for what she is... .and he's holding it together and moving on.  He has hope for the son, but he knows he can't control that either.

That's what I read there.  It was just the title threw me off.  But if that's not the case, then he knows we'll all be here to encourage him and smack him around a little if he needs it  Smiling (click to insert in post).  I hope he won't leave the board, but I think he could if he wanted to.

Congrats, Skip... ."you done good".

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ruby

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« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2006, 09:24:27 AM »

I haven't communicated with you much, if at all, Skip, but I've found a lot of strength in just reading your posts and advice to everyone... .and I can't think of anything you've written that didn't help me with my new struggle to escape the madness of my ex-ubp.  I hope and pray for you to get through this moment... .unscathed!

Ruby

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Skippy
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« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2006, 10:47:20 AM »

While there was a little chink in the wall, he didn't do a Humpty-Dumpty off of it. 

Congrats, Skip... ."you done good".

What the hell is Skip talking about?

Closing  the Gap between your Intellect, Behavior, and Instincts

How many posts exist where you can see the writer knows what they should do, but emotionally can't do it.  For a period of time (as you learn about BPD) the gap between the two widens to the point some, like me, have your brain pulling in one direction and your heart in another.  It's like an emotional paralysis many of us non's get into.  I've seen it in many many posts.

Why was yesterday such a big deal to Skip?  Yesterday I was challenged with some BPD drama, and as "hokuhonu" aptly puts it "I recognized it for what it is" and didn't have an unhealthy emotional/instinctually response to it."  I lightly chuckled at the absurdity of it before even thinking about it... .the "gap" between my intellectual and emotional/instinctual response is apparently (finally) gone.

In retrospect, it seems to me that the progression of extracting yourself from a addictive/obsessive relationship to be 1) intellectually understand the need to do it, 2) "force change" your physical behavior (NC, NBPD, etc.) c) explore your own motivations and needs, and d) wait/hope for the emotions and instincts to line up. 

If there is anything I can pass along it would be that if you are a non hoping / waiting for the emotions to extract you, good luck!  I think that only happens at rock bottom or near. You've gotta force that physical/behavior change and shift the dicussion from BPD to yourself.  Expect the gap to be discomforting for a while.


Alignment of Conflicting Emotions

Some people get angry and resentful of the BP when they move-on, and they dismiss them and the relationship as a "looser".  This is probably a pretty typical healthy response in a typical relationship... .

For me, it's been difficult to rationalize resentment and anger with the meaningful times we had... .difficult relationship or not, we saved 2 boys from a huge emotional catastrophe (suicide)... .and there were other meaningful times.  Anyone reading my posts would notice my need to acknowledge the good in all of it (after fully understanding the bad).

Yesterday I saw that my seemingly inconsistent emotional thoughts can be reconciled. 

I said I love her/them and I miss her/them. I do.  One could conclude that I therefor want to re-engagement. I don't. And I don't feel and push/pull between these two thoughts.  The two can coexist.

This is all seemed so complex to me... .until now.  Now I see it.  A BP relationship is really two... .the white one and the black one.  I guess this was all my struggle to grieve / recover from both of them.

Look hard enough, and I guess all the pieces of the puzzle will eventually fit.

I learned a lot yesterday.  Thanks friends.

Skip


PS:  Life was so much simpler when I was in 4th grade.  I had a girlfriend (Donna Pepper).  One day, standing in her front yard, she leaned over and kissed me on the ear.  I turned around and ran down the street as fast as I could.  That was the end of that! 8)

PSS:  "hokuhonu", I'm not doing a Gulfstream.  Only Gulfstream can do a Gulfstream. 


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hokuhonu
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2006, 09:17:19 AM »

"PSS:  "hokuhonu", I'm not doing a Gulfstream.  Only Gulfstream can do a Gulfstream."

OK, so I guess we need a new term?  "Skipulation"?  "Skippilating"?  "Skippifying"?  Just kidding.  I guess I haven't read far enough back to appreciate the subtleties of the difference between a Skip and a Gulfstream   ... .sort of like I can't tell if it's Gallo or Dom Peringnon--just as long as it has the desired numbing effect    Smiling (click to insert in post)  After all, I AM a newbie.  But I am elated that you came through this with flying colors.  And it makes me happy to think your son has a chance to see real love.

I have just been the victim of my first re-engagement.  I might try to post about it.  What I don't understand is, how do they know when you are at your most vulnerable points?  Do they have you followed?

Oh, well, won't hijack this happy thread!   Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Skippy
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« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2006, 11:09:08 AM »

I have just been the victim of my first re-engagement.  I might try to post about it.  What I don't understand is, how do they know when you are at your most vulnerable points?  Do they have you followed?

Hok, a blind person has a keen sense of hearing.

I think a BPD has an incredible intuitive sense; and what they don't know about us, we teach them, at least in my case. 

I haven't communicated with her in months, but until recently,  I don't doubt she could pick up the phone and push my buttons at will.  I'd fight it, hide it... .but it would be in me; and she would know.

Sara McLaughlin has a great song... .starts out... .Hold on.  Hold on to yourself.  This ones going hurt like hell.

Its a storm.  Fight for yourself.

Skip

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ruby

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« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2006, 11:02:55 AM »

"Its a storm.  Fight for yourself"

Thanks for posting those words, Skip... .I have to keep remembering to fight for myself, as it's not ever come naturally for me, just the fighting for everybody else's good... .the hardest lesson I'm learning is to "fight for myself", but I'm doing it!  Glad you made it through that last one, Skip... .every time I make it through a re-engaging attempt, I get a little stronger... .

Ruby

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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downnout
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« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2006, 04:30:39 PM »

Excerpt
You've gotta force that physical/behavior change and shift the dicussion from BPD to yourself.  Expect the gap to be discomforting for a while.

Excerpt
Some people get angry and resentful of the BP when they move-on, and they dismiss them and the relationship as a "looser".  This is probably a pretty typical healthy response in a typical relationship... .

I agree skip. I've been away for some time. Sorry you've been going through this state. I know it well though. You are working through it as I am. Not completely there yet. Still get 'waves' coming over me and you probably will too. It is'nt like some door we walk through and it's over and clear to us.

Hang in there buddy, we're with you as you are there for us too!

'WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!'

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hokuhonu
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« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2006, 08:36:39 PM »

Dear Skip

This one hurts like hell.

I love Sarah McLachlan (sp?)

:'(
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