BPD newly married son

[Katie4]

Hi everyone,

I posted a long intro yesterday and wonder if this is a more appropriate place to converse.  Our 25 yr old son got married 8 months ago to a gal we suspect is also BPD. 

The first explosion came a few months before that; prior to their engagement he was inappropriately close to us -- calling us constantly to "deal" with all the slights, real and imagined, that he experienced.  He is a singer, and all that time he'd beg us to be at all his recitals, concerts, performances, claiming that he "couldn't perform if his parents weren't there."  He'd be here at least once a week to eat and do some free grocery shopping, etc.

His younger brother (21) has a form of autism and cannot understand why his brother is gone; we've not seen or heard from BPDs for 8 months, not for holidays, birthdays, nothing.  We've not learned enough about the disorder yet to judge whether or not the pendulum will swing back, if he'll decide to let us back into his life.  Is there anyway to predict this?  Is there a way anyone can advise us to deal with it if he does show up?

As terrible as it sounds, the rest of us are just beginning to learn how to relate to each other without "walking on eggshells."  We've all been controlled for so long by him and feel that our newly discovered control over our emotions, finances, etc. can be taken away by him at any moment.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?  Any advice?  Please?

Should I move my intro over here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mikki]

I just read your intro---whew! You have been through a lot. I don't think you need to worry about re-posting it here. People will see your post here and go check it out.

I think you will feel welcome in the Parent's section. You will be amazed at how many similiar experiences have happened to others.

It sounds like you are taking steps to protect yourself from future financial impact. Don't beat yourself up. You weren't stupid. You were just trying to be good parents. Only you and your husband can decide if it is worth trying to make a legal case. Maybe even get a third attorney's opinion.

Hard to say if you will hear from him again. My guess is if something comes up that he needs from you, that is when you will hear from him. Or if he has a major problem with his wife. Or if a child comes into the picture. Or if he has some legal troubles or big financial troubles. I really don't know.

Anyway, welcome to bpdfamily. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this.

[SueH.]

Dear Katie4,

I'll bet you will hear from your son so I'd say be doing your homework now as far as learning about how to set boundaries and detach emotionally so as to protect yourself.  Read all you can about BPD to learn how best to deal with it.

As far as all the loans, etc... .personally I would just write it all off and chalk it up to experience.  Your son is already estranged and suing him will worsen that.  Besides, does he really have any assets for you to "win"?  What's the point in spending money on attorneys if there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?  I'm guessing your desire to sue is coming from a lot of very well-deserved anger, but you might want to work on just letting that go and focusing on learning how to say "no" to future requests for money/support.  A good counselor could help you sort out your feelings.

Best of luck with it all, SueH.

[Katie4]

Dear Mikki and SueH,

Your kind words mean so much -- it feels like a long time since any kindness came our way on this subject.  If I wasn't living this I wouldn't believe it -- a dear friend who decided a long time ago to "mother" me passed away on the morning of the doomed shower.  I was really mad at her for doing that right when I needed her so much!  The last thing she said to me was "Give him back to God and walk away.  Don't let him hurt you anymore."

We've about decided to forget about recovering the money -- we've talked about re-writing our will so that the repayment of these loans will be his inheritance since it doesn't seem fair to the other three sons that he receive twice as much.  The main reason we'd sue would be to force him to sell the car; as it is now if he fails to insure it, we're responsible, if he misses a payment, fails to register, etc.  He said last summer that he understood and would sell it, but so far he hasn't.  In the meantime, he demands that we respect him as an independent adult... .

I appreciate the advice about setting boundaries and detaching emotionally; we've started reading SWOE, changed the locks on the house, have caller ID on all the phones, etc.  At least we have the beginning of a plan now -- the thought of being at his mercy, of listening to his words against our will... .

This is probably the only place in the world where people know what it feels like to be emotionally abused by being called an emotional abuser; or "congratulations!  You made me lie to you again!"  I seriously think that this is the place to learn to let go of the anger; my goal is to get to a place where I too can offer comfort and hope here.  Thank you again!  Kathy

[heart2counsel]

Your son has BPD. His wife has BPD. A few years after this post you post that your 2 other sons have BPD. Finally you post that your husband who left you also has BPD.

I am gently going to suggest that perhaps you are projecting. Please take an honest look at your life and your relationships and seek out the help you need.

Godspeed.