why it's so traumatic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i have been thinking about why the ending of my BPD relationship was so traumatic to me and why it has been so hard to get over. i think it is becuase she was soo into me in the beginning and then everything changed and i could do nothing right. she was constantly finding fault with me. i triggered it i'm sure by breaking up with her in the beginning, but i do believe it would have happened anyway. for part of the reason i left was because she was so demanding and critical of me. But what a change! i kept trying to get the girl back who was so in love with me and though she would appear every now and then, the critical, harsh, selfish girl began to take over. I think it is really hard for me especially because of how much she liked me in the beginning. i could do no wrong, she kept telling me to trust, that it was meant to be, but as soon as i was in 100% everything changed. I think this is why i am left so confused, the 180 degree switch with me trying to figure out what i did to cause it. why else would someones feelings do a 180 unless i did something wrong? correct me if i'm wrong but i think this is the hardest thing to deal with that BPD's do. at least for me, it has left me in a state of confusion. even at the end she told me that it was her that was messed up, then the next day told me the problem was me. i think it's really hard to be adored and then thrown away and ignored as if there was never anything there in the first place. anyone relate?

[tracer]

i have been thinking about why the ending of my BPD relationship was so traumatic to me and why it has been so hard to get over. i think it is becuase she was soo into me in the beginning and then everything changed and i could do nothing right. she was constantly finding fault with me. i triggered it i'm sure by breaking up with her in the beginning, but i do believe it would have happened anyway. for part of the reason i left was because she was so demanding and critical of me. But what a change! i kept trying to get the girl back who was so in love with me and though she would appear every now and then, the critical, harsh, selfish girl began to take over. I think it is really hard for me especially because of how much she liked me in the beginning. i could do no wrong, she kept telling me to trust, that it was meant to be, but as soon as i was in 100% everything changed. I think this is why i am left so confused, the 180 degree switch with me trying to figure out what i did to cause it. why else would someones feelings do a 180 unless i did something wrong? correct me if i'm wrong but i think this is the hardest thing to deal with that BPD's do. at least for me, it has left me in a state of confusion. even at the end she told me that it was her that was messed up, then the next day told me the problem was me. i think it's really hard to be adored and then thrown away and ignored as if there was never anything there in the first place. anyone relate?

[Zaphod]

Yes--I know exactly what you are talking about.  The only thing more traumatic would be to continue in the  relationship.  BPD females are full of rage for the most part and they are nasty vile piles of feces.

Some advice--feel hurt and screwed over--and dont think about it anymore--Dont be a victim of the BPD dirtbag.  Look listen and learn from this experiance and move on with life--dont dwell on the failed BPD relationship--it aint worth it.

Also--have no contact with her--tell her to get lost and to go away and stay out of your life.  She will eventually find another schmuck to deal on and trash with all her bullsht.

Good luck

[sadbunny]

I think there is also something that happens that we don't talk a lot about here.  We talk a lot about the BP's deep seated abandonment issues and what triggers them and how those issues affect them.  What we don't talk about is that WE have been abandonded in the relationship.  WE  are experiencing that kind of loss as well.  We are emotionally abandonded, we are left to figure out a serious disorder on our own, we are left alone in the relationship to care for a person who is supposed to be our partner and to support us when things get hard and to walk with us and hold on, and be there for us when things get hard.  I don't think there is anything harder than watching someone we love suffer from an illness, I don't think there is anything harder than being abused and told one things one minute and another thing the next- our sense of reality and trust is tampered with- and when we look to the person who says they love us and are going to be there for us when the world gets crazy and life gets hard, they are not only not there, they are the one's who introduce this chaos.  When we look to the person who is supposed to care for us, and we try to figure it out and do our best and open dialogue in good faith, we are left alone and rejected.  We have no one to turn to, it is too hard to explain and people do not understand the disorder.  We are supposed to be able to come home to our partner and say anything and get feedback about ... .everything... .especially the relationship, and there is no one with a willing spirit.  They emotionally withdraw and punish, and when we feel that someone is doing that to us, it is supposed to be our partner that helps us through that.  But they are not there.  We are absolutely abandonded.  It hurts and it is confusing and we try to "right" it because it makes no sense.  What BP's don't realize is that they do to us what they fear most happening themselves.  They abandon us.  They "trick" us into trusting them and they use that trust to get their needs met and they abandon us by neglecting us and our needs and our feelings, and then they threaten to leave us and punish us by withdrawing love an stability... .it is hard to be abandoned and that is what they do to us emotionally throughout the course of the relationship.

[Modiano]

I agree with you all. The person I knew suffering from BPD was just a friend. But it hurts just as well. At first, she did all she could to gain my attention. I could do no wrong, every thing I said or did was just perfect. She told me many times to trust. And she assured me of her friendship right from the start. I remember feeling very uneasy about these things. But deep inside me, I wanted to believe that such a great person really existed. She mentioned, time and time again, that we would always be there to support each other when things get hard. But the truth is that I spent most my time trying to meet her needs. After a while, our friendship became so exhausting to me that I felt the need to withdraw. But she, like other people suffering from BPD, had a way of making me feel guilty. At the time, I was not aware of her emotional blackmail. I took what she said very seriouly. Simply because I had no idea I was dealing with someone suffering from BPD.  I just found out about this illness two weeks ago. But knowing about this illness has done very little to relieve my pain. It just leaves me asking myself questions I had never even thought about before. I am totally bewildered. Nothing in the relation I had with this person for over a year makes sense to me anymore. During our relation, I was often very lost, not knowing what to say or do in order to meet her needs. But I always gave her the benefits of the doubt. In the hope that one day, when things will get better on her side, she will take the time to explain some of her acts and deeds. That's how naïve I was. For now that things have improved in her life, she became very cold and distant. It feels like speaking to a total stranger. She did try to answer some of my questions. But her answers were so detached from reality (they sounded so phoney) that I felt even more offended. As a result, she closed every contact with me, leaving me in a state of great confusion. And the worse is that I have no one to turn to, the friends we had in common do not really believe what I tell them, and the situation seems so unreal to other people that there is no point in trying to share with them my experience. Part of the trauma comes from the ungratefulness, thanklessness and non-recognition of what I did for this person.  But the worse is the feeling of having been manipulated all along without this person feeling (or showing) any remorse for her attitude. It is hard to be abandoned. But it is even harder to acknowledge that some people are actually able to live their lives without ever reflecting back on their actions, neglecting the pain they inflict on others. In fact, it is plain scarry. It makes you lose confidence in the world around you.

[tracer]

wow i can so relate to you. today i had a bit of a slip. i was in her neighborhood and looked around for her. i almost went into the store where she works. i still want some explanation but last time i saw her she kind of snubbed me. i'm sure she will be cold and distant. this is why i didnt go into the store. i hate that distant look, like there was never any connection between us. also knowing about the illness hasnt done much to help me either. i have spoken to 2 therapists, one with whom i'm in therapy and the other was my therapist from a few years ago. from what i have said about the relationship thaey both agreeed that she is a "raging borderline" with narcissistic traits. sometimes it helps but i ams still very sad. i'm a fraid there is little hope for me ever getting over this. i'm on medication for ocd and depression but my heart still hurts and it's been 6 months since i've seen or heard from her.

[wish_2_have]

the distant look and the no connection between us... .I know to well and am feeling it right now.

They must be hurting too, I guess that is there way of getting back at us.

I ended it so what is there to expect. I thought we could be at least civil to each other.

But it's funny during our friendship, I got the cold sholder many times, now, out of this friendship... .I get it too.

So? Nothing new.

I am doing OK but it all seemed like a bad dream. I wonder if we would react like this too?

[liberateddad]

I agree with you assessment Tracer.  When we started the relationship she was so into me.  I was into her but had other things in my life that needed attention.  So things started to change when I could not give her what she wanted.  I was willing to give but it was never enough.

So the rages began.  The name calling and nasty comments.  The constant criticism.  I could do no right.  So I walked out but did come back.  She did say then, the firsttime that she realized she did not need  to have me 100% of thetime.  From there slowly things got worse. Nothing was ever good enough or right.  Funny how she taunted me infront of my office staff.  She even told one of them of our sexuakl exploits and how good I was.  Also telling them how we fought and she would call me ever name in the book and watch me be passive and take it.

She was always into me.  Just that it was in a pathological way.  I do miss her positive attention. I am having troubkle gettiong over that illusion of teh good gf.    That is so painful.  Even today I sit and think about her.  Wondering what she is doing, almost hoping she would call.  But I know as painful as the brak up was, living with her as a BP is worse.

Tracer,  You will heal.  You will get over her.  It will take time.  Be good to yourself, find a normal person          LD

[eggshell]

Yup. I can relate, like usual... .It is not very easy, to get over, that's for sure. Especially since we really loved them, and we thought they loved us... .and sometimes they acted like it... .and then other times... .they acted like they hated us, and it keeps your head spinning... .

Sadbunny made a lot of good points. We are truly abandoned. They are afraid of abandonment, but they do it. My X always said that he would be with me through a hard time that I was going through, but yet, guess what? He left me. Am I surprised... .No... .I was surprised when it REALLY ended, though... .because he had ended it so many times before, that I had grown accustomed to breaking up and then getting back together. But there was something about the last time that did seem final. And it seemed so difficult. And I'm still not over it, and still trying to piece it together. Just like everyone on this board seems to be doing.

[StressedinCleveland]

I think there is also something that happens that we don't talk a lot about here.  We talk a lot about the BP's deep seated abandonment issues and what triggers them and how those issues affect them.  What we don't talk about is that WE have been abandonded in the relationship.  WE  are experiencing that kind of loss as well.  We are emotionally abandonded, we are left to figure out a serious disorder on our own, we are left alone in the relationship to care for a person who is supposed to be our partner and to support us when things get hard and to walk with us and hold on, and be there for us when things get hard.  I don't think there is anything harder than watching someone we love suffer from an illness, I don't think there is anything harder than being abused and told one things one minute and another thing the next- our sense of reality and trust is tampered with- and when we look to the person who says they love us and are going to be there for us when the world gets crazy and life gets hard, they are not only not there, they are the one's who introduce this chaos.  When we look to the person who is supposed to care for us, and we try to figure it out and do our best and open dialogue in good faith, we are left alone and rejected.  We have no one to turn to, it is too hard to explain and people do not understand the disorder.  We are supposed to be able to come home to our partner and say anything and get feedback about ... .everything... .especially the relationship, and there is no one with a willing spirit. 

That's the essence of it. I came to the sudden realization of my true situation after my father died. My wife gave me zero emotional support and the night I came home from the funeral she raged at me and kicked me out of our bedroom permanently. On top of this she denied doing any of the things she just did.

I cried every night, for my suddenly dead Father and for the death of my marriage --I realized it had been dead for some time. By day I surfed the web for answers, and that's when I came across The Nook.

I felt (and still feel) very alone in my marriage. Things improved after I asked her to leave --essentially I have been living in a 6-month-long re-engagement. But it's a hollow shell. She is reading a script entitled "The Good Wife" and even still she breaks character from time to time.

[Krakatoa]

It is traumatic tracer... .My previous realtionship to the last one lasted nine years. The pain of ending that was nothing in comparison to this one... but then BPD wasn't involved. I think the word "involvement" is partly the key.

The sheer  involvement we're presented with, fairly immediately is astonishing.The continuing involvement however long the dance persists then becomes questionable ( if you're sane!) The final involvement is so intense, so mind crushingly bewildering it leaves you reeling.

How do you pass a four hour multiple question and answer exam within two minutes, all day , every day?

You can't ... .no-one can. There's only one pen and the pen runs dry.

The Mad passionate (wonderful) idealisation. The coursing of endorphins, the baited hook we willingly swallowed.

I felt like superman... .invunerable.

Unfortunately ... ."Slower than a speeding bully. Less powerful than a loco butt from hell. Unable to leap tall orders in a single boundary".

Then the descent into chaos, drama, histrionics, devaluation and abuse... .territory within even a super-hero would fear to tread.

Never forget we swallowed a hook baited with kryptonite.

I'm still not "over" mine either... .I loved her dearly too, and in the manner by which she popped into my life and promptly popped out is sheer comic book but each day means another page turned and being here is proof of postage that you've ordered the 25c X-ray glasses.

[Venus Humm]

     Its our compassion, empathy and love that makes us a target for someone with BPD.  Sad to say it but our humanity is our Achilles Heel.  It sux, but it was too good to be true.  The intensity, the sex, the fake intimacy left me wanting more everyday.  My male ego has never felt anything in life like the idealization my gf gave me.  It was a drug beyond compare, and I miss it, but the pain from the cold turkey has made the thought of seeing her again revolting.  I hope she is so happy that she will never come around me again.  I hope "mr perfect" is truly perfect, and will not end up eviscerated like me, but I know better.  He will fall behind me on the list of victims. 

     We give them 110% and out of the blue its done.  No answers.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting a call that they are dead would probably have been easier.  So we obsess over the fact that they are doing all the things we the new mr perfect that they did with us, saying the same things, kissing the same way. 

     They are so out of touch with reality we cant even explain their behavior without comparing it to an infant.  Once again I will pray to God how lucky I am that we never got married or had any children.  I missed a bullet.

Venus Humm

     

[eggshell]

I cannot even explain how much I agree with this by Venus... .

We give them 110% and out of the blue its done.  No answers.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting a call that they are dead would probably have been easier.  So we obsess over the fact that they are doing all the things we the new mr perfect that they did with us, saying the same things, kissing the same way. 

I gave this person my heart and soul, more than I have ever given a human before in my life, emotionally, physically, materially, etc. I gave the relationship 110% also. But alas... .nope. Nada. And yes, getting a call that he would have been dead might have been easier. Actually, in a way it was like it. The break-up call and the way he acted in the end (and sometimes in the relationship) was like "he" was dead. The person I knew and fell in love with.

[tracer]

eggshell,

i can so relate. i gave EVERYTHING... .I am so distressed by the fact that she was so infatuated with me in the beginning and now wants nothing to do with me. I am seriously starting to think that i am crazy. I just want to be free of this obsession. over and over i ask myself what i did to cuase this behaviour, and why she doesnt want me. "sometimes things just dont work out" that's how she looks at it. she told me that when we were friends years ago about another relationship i was in where the other person could no longer show up for the relationship so just ended it and didnt look back. that time the person was really into me also. actually one thing in common that they both said before they left was that they were feeling like they were starting to "need" me and couldnt deal with that. huge fear of engulfment. I love you so much i have to leave you, or I know I am hurting you so I have to leave. I dont get it, i dont get it, i dont get it. BPD or no BPD  i still dont understand. I wish i could go back in time... .

[tracer]

by the way eggshell, did yours dump you on the phone also? what is that about?

[Minky]

In the early years when he used to leave it was very traumatic for me.  I was wondering what the hell I'd done wrong - I'd bent over backwards to please him, moulded myself into the sort of person he wanted etc.

The longer the relationship progresses the more weary you are of it and after nine years I was the one that left.  I really don't recommend that you stay as long as I did just to get to the "weary" stage.

I think it's the element of "surprise" that can make it so traumatic.  You are the most wonderful person on earth one day - then the worst person they have ever come across the next day.  "Normal" people are more consistent - if the relationship ends, it's because there was usually a gradual decline in feeling from both parties. It's like winning an award for outstanding service at work on the Monday - then getting fired for no reason on the Tuesday - how does that make sense?

I think the more you understand about BPD - the clearer their behaviour becomes to you - you will be able to see a pattern there if you search hard!

Minks

[tracer]

thanks minky. what you said is so true. here's how mine ended:

saturday she says "i love you. i wish i didnt have to work on saturdays, i will try to get saturdays off for the summer so we can spend more time together".

wednsday she says "my feelings for you are starting to go away, i'm not sure if i want to be in this relationship. i need space"

friday she says "i still need time to myself tonite but tomorrow night can we get together and you can help me get ready for the party i'm having sunday afternoon? and can you treat us to dinner since i had to spend a lot of money on the party"

saturday night we sleep together and it is the first time in 6 months that she sleeps the whole night thru with me and doesnt have to get up with insomnia and eat in front of the tv to fall asleep... .

sunday morning she says "would you mind going out and picking up a few more things for the party? i dont have any more money but need some stuff"

sunday after party "i need some space again, party was very stressful, i think there might be too much going on in my life right now for me to be in a relationship. i'm not sure what i want. would you mind going home earlier than we usually part on sundays?  you can take some leftovers with you. why are you upset? i need space! why is it always about you?"

sunday night she says "i may have to take a break from the relationship but it's not about you"

monday "do you want to drive 3 hours on wednseday to meet my father. i'd like you to meet him". (bear in mind she does not own a car).

monday night i reply "i need to think about meeting your father. i would love to meet him but recent conversations we've had makes me feel like you might not be as committed to being together as i thought. meeting your father pulls me more into your life than i think we are ready for"

tuesday she breaks up with me on the phone.

next wednsday she calls me, when i dont pick up the phone she calls me again and acuses me of playing games with her.

friday we talk again and she says "we just want different things". i get mad, tell her i think she has fear of intimacy. she is GONE. I never hear from her again.

sound crazy?

[mike440]

I see all of these posts on this board, I know my ex had some serious problems, yet it was (is) trumatic breaking up... .I think I still have it in my head that now that I know the problem, I could just tell her, she'd go get help, and everything would be OK... .I know this is not true for the 99% of the cases, but I just keep thinking it would work. My reasoning is probably flawed because it is too logical and I would have to convince her that this is the problem, while painted black... .

[eggshell]

Tracer,

I am sorry-- I can feel your pain in your posts, and I can SO relate! How long has it been? Mine broke up with me in April, but... .I have talked to him since (whoops... .)... .I was involved with him in some way, shape or form for over 2 years.

As for breaking up, it happened NUMEROUS times, but yes, usually over the phone! The last time- yes, over the phone, as well... .I guess he didn't have the guts to do it in person. Also... .if he saw me in person... .maybe he would have seen that he loved me and not been able to? Maybe that is how it is with your X? I really don't know? Just guessing here... .

About the "needing"... .my X never said that he needed me in THOSE exact words, but I got the jist of it from his actions and other things that he said, but he said that he needed his X, and told her that straight out, apparently in those words. He did, however, say that I needed HIM, but I "just didn't know it yet." Um, OKAY?

The projection is just abundant, I guess... .he constantly would say things and even SING to me about if I left him, I would regret it... .the last time I saw him, he said "You'll be back! You are going to miss me, and you won't like sex with anyone else as much as with me!" ? Plus, another time, he said, "What if I'm the love of your life, and you let me slip away through your fingers?" For some reason, he loved that phrase, "love of your life," or whatever. He mentioned that phrase in reference to me, him and his ex's very often. Strange. Of course, he'd always make comments about ":)on't leave me," etc., only then for him to leave ME. Shocker, I know.

[eggshell]

Tracer, your other post reminds me of something that my X said at the VERY end. He said that he couldn't stand it that I didn't trust him (because of his X), and that it showed my disrespect for his COMMITTMENT to me (?), but in the same breath said that he didn't expect or need me to trust him.

?

[tracer]

yeah i think maybe that's why she did it on the phone too. i know she really liked me. she just couldnt decide whether or not she wanted to be with me and found so many reasons to run away. stupid reasons like i dont spend my money right, i am the wrong sex (even though in the beginning she told me that she is bisexual and the sex of the person doesnt matter, it's the person inside), i have an ex-girlfriend that i am still in contact with even though she is married and in another state, i breathe too loud when i sleep, i'm not sexual enough, my priorities are wrong, i make funny noises when i eat, my house isnt clean enough, i'm not financially responsible enough (i work full time and own a condo, she is on ssdi), and on and on, i was not serious enough about my addiction recovery (I have been in AA/NA for 19 years). she had to find something about me that was uncacceptable so she would have an excuse to run away. truth was i was so good to her it wasnt even funny. everything she wanted she got. when she needed more affection she got it, when she needed money she got it, when she needed sex she got it, when she needed a romantic dinner out she got it. and she got my heart too. BIG TIME. we also broke up in april. our history was a 10 year on and off friendship, old friends, the kind when you dont see them for a year and then you see them you hang out like best buddies again, and a 6 month very intense romance where we saw eachother many times during the week. i also took care of her when she had major surgery. dumped on the phone. it's very sad, i deserved better i know but i still miss her and wish she would call me  :'(

[eggshell]

I'm very sorry to hear all of that, Tracer... .it all sounds familiar... .we didn't know each other as long as you two, but we did know each other for a few years and had an immediate attraction, liked each other for 2 years, had an INTENSE romance for 6 months, and yes, broke up in April, and yes, it was by phone, and YES, he also picked at small things to make up excuses... .

[sadbunny]

I read an aticle on MSN of all places, right after my X split me black and broke up with my via e mail.  I had flown to HIS country for christmas, leaving my friends and family behind, even though it was the first christmas I would have been at home in years.  Christmas is very important to me.  I planned the entire vacation according to his wishes and desires- basically an almost free ski holiday, caling all my friends in that country and calling in favours from my buddies who worked on the mountain and could get us lift passes and arranged to use the apt of another friend who was going away to visit her sister over the holidays.  There are more things I arranged- 2 days in NY nutcracker tickets- tickets at Cernegie hall and a huge dinner party in his honor where he would meet my family (who were visiting there at the time for a couple of days also) and old family friends who were also traveling distances to come- and I even invited his friends who he hadn't seen in a while and whom I had never met.  I called in more favours from chef friends of mine to have a party that big at X-mass time in NYC.

I did all of this because he works in a war zone and had been stuck there, isolated for one year.  I thought to myself.  "I have so much in my life.  I have access to everything I need and everyone I love everyday, and he has so little lately.  There will be other christmas'.  This year it is his turn".

I got there and he raged at me over the phone, complaining about the whole thing, that he had asked for, and when I tried to rearrange everything to suit his ever increasing demands, he became verbally abusive.

He told me that for 6 weeks he has been stewing about our relationship- all the while, sending me love letters, e-cards and calling and telling me that he couldn't wait to get married in the coming year.  he couldn't live without me. 

The point of my shareing the story with you is that, all along, he was telling me one thing, which was positive about the relationship, while underneath he was having BP thought patterns about himslef and his life... .and about me and our relationship.  I had no IDEA what was happening or why he was acting this way.  he said one thing all along, and did exactly the opposite- OUT OF NO WHERE.

When I drew the boundary and said "you can not come to the diner if you scream at me about it and insult me about it"- he laid in with the BP line of thinking and turned around to blame ME for the break up.  He called me every name in the book and actually REFUSED to have any kind of conversation with me.  I tried once and he was absolutely histerical, interrupting, screaming, accusin, playing word games, the whole lot.

He never showed up to the vacation and left me there in his country over X mas, without coming to see me and spent his time with his friends in a neighboring state, 3 hours away.

I kept asking him why he would not just come and talk to me as planned- so I could understand what he was talking about.  None of it made any sense- he refused to answer his phone, pretended he didn't recognize my voice- all very bizzarre- I finally MADE him come and see me- it took a huge effort- he stood me up a few times, he backed out- it was awful.

I know I had to make him do it for ME.  I confronted him that day and told him he was abusive and needed help.  He agreed.  He never got it.  he broke up with me again a few days later - by e mail- after saying he was coming to visit me in my own country 4 days from that day (we were both shipping out the next day) to talk about getting help for him (I knew he would not come and I didn't want him to).

I got at least some kind of closure- but the real closure that we need is not ours to have WITH them, like in a normal relationship.

I started to ramble... .I started this with an article I read shortly theresfter on MSN- the article talked about break ups.  What it said essentially was that if a person does not have the decency to give their X an "exit interview" it demonstrates immaturity and total lack of respect. That basically decribes all that an unrecovered BP is capable of in an intimate relationship.  I thought, maybe it was just me, but it is not.  BP's, as my X told me outright, can not handle the loss, they can not handle the feelings and they can not be responsible to another person or do what is best for EITHER party in the long run.

It is extremely traumatic to be abandoned, disrespected and summarily discarded by anyone, let alone a person who professes to love us and care for us, who promises to be our shelter in the storm of life.  The trauma is a trauma because there is no "rhyme or reason"- we replay it over and over again where it could have gone better- but that is like mentally reinforcing your doors AFTER the robbers broke them down... .we think that if we had done something differently... .

and y'know what?  I could still be together with him.  I knew that by drawing the boundary I did, he would leave.  I considered it for days before I did it.  But it was a litmus test for me.  If he could not respect me infront of my family, then I could not marry him and I refused to live like that anymore.  Things were going to have to change one way or another. It still only "makes sense" in the contxt of a mental disorder, and it stil hurts a lot.

[gambaru]

Know what I finally decided?  I finally decided I don't CARE "why".  I only care "what".

If some vicious beast were attacking my beloved nephews, would I waste time asking it why?  H-ll, no.  I'd do anything in my power to fight for my nephews' lives.

So what was I doing trying to negotiate with the beast?  OK, to a certain point I realize there's empowerment in knowing what, if anything, I can do to prevent future attacks.  But what I realized, finally (and this could only be me, mind you) is that what I REALLY was looking for was some explanation that was based on something I did or didn't do... .something I could've controlled.  I wasn't satisfied with the simple explanation:  "it attacks because that is the nature of the beast".  Oh, no.  No, I wanted to see it in some way that would validate the Transformational Power of My Healing Love.

Yeah, it's embarassing for me to see in writing, too.  But that's what it was.  I didn't fall for the idealization phase, ironically; it actually made me uncomfortable.  What sucked me in was the fantasy that we were somehow "connected" on this oh-so-esoteric spiritual, "deep" level.  I was trying to use that relationship as a proof-of-concept exercise, that my ideology and philosophy of what love is and what the meaning of human connection is, were correct.

Oh, well.  Back to the drawing board.

I doubt that many others here (and possibly, no one else here is that ridiculously arrogant... .I mean, come ON.  Who did I think I WAS?) had the same "life lesson".  But that was mine.  So if nothing else, whatever other folks' issues were/are that kept/keep them stuck, there's a real piece of foolishness that probably made your thought processes look downright reasonable compared to my idiocy.  And TRAUMA?  O, childe!  There was my whole life's work, the whole structure on which I based reality, my identity, and G-d knows what other "ity"'s on, smashed to bits right over my head.  G-d and I didn't speak for quite some time over that.

I'm just saying, whatever we did or didn't do to keep us doing the dumb stuff we did... .at the end of the day, as long as we learn the lesson... .we couldn't have been as stupid as we thought. 

[sadbunny]

what I REALLY was looking for was some explanation that was based on something I did or didn't do... .something I could've controlled.  I wasn't satisfied with the simple explanation:  "it attacks because that is the nature of the beast".  Oh, no.  No, I wanted to see it in some way that would validate the Transformational Power of My Healing Love.

Yeah, it's embarassing for me to see in writing, too.  But that's what it was.  I didn't fall for the idealization phase, ironically; it actually made me uncomfortable.  What sucked me in was the fantasy that we were somehow "connected" on this oh-so-esoteric spiritual, "deep" level.  I was trying to use that relationship as a proof-of-concept exercise, that my ideology and philosophy of what love is and what the meaning of human connection is, were correct.

It's like you were in my head Gam- this is exactly what I was doing and thinking- exactly.  Except, it wasn't love that was transformational- it was the "power of choice" - ;== ;== ;==

I doubt that many others here (and possibly, no one else here is that ridiculously arrogant... .I mean, come ON.

Yeah.  Shove over.  Make some room for me on that bench of hubris.


 

I'm just saying, whatever we did or didn't do to keep us doing the dumb stuff we did... .at the end of the day, as long as we learn the lesson... .we couldn't have been as stupid as we thought. 

Aman sister!

[gambaru]

Live, from bpdfamily, it's... .

Gamby and Bunny's Hubris Bench!

With special guest stars... .Donald Trump

                                              ... .Tom Cruise... .

                                                ... .and Paris Hilton!

<cue talk show theme music>

LOL, ROFLMAO "hubris bench"!... .oh, tee-hee, I am in PAIN laughing... .

Wicked, wicked bunny wabbit!

(he-he-he-he-he-he)

[sadbunny]

Gam-

Also think we could turn this into a cartoon series... .

"CAAAAAAAPTAAAAAAIN HUBerIS... ."

with capes and everything... .

"Righting wrongs that god himself dare not touch" ... .

... the hubris mobile... .something fancy, preferable a rag top- the elements are no match for us 

The hubris pent house (can't be a cave)

The hubris signal... .

We don't actually have to be able to scale buildings, or spin webs, or anything... .our giant delusional egos will take care of it all -

Good morning fun for me---



Bunny

[mike440]

So what was I doing trying to negotiate with the beast?  OK, to a certain point I realize there's empowerment in knowing what, if anything, I can do to prevent future attacks.  But what I realized, finally (and this could only be me, mind you) is that what I REALLY was looking for was some explanation that was based on something I did or didn't do... .something I could've controlled.  I wasn't satisfied with the simple explanation:  "it attacks because that is the nature of the beast".  Oh, no.  No, I wanted to see it in some way that would validate the Transformational Power of My Healing Love.

I was the same way... .while the idealization phase was flattering, I felt very uncomfortable and it didn't make any sense to me... .it only added to seemingly validate what she was saying- you just need to find it in yourself to give me unconditional love (I guess by this she meant overlook all the dysfunction). I also thought my love would validate her and everythnig would be OK... .I'm currently reading Stop Walking On Eggshells, and they tell you how to speak to a BPD. I used many of the methods they described (obviously before reading the book) because that's what it seemed like she needed... .if only it worked like it did in the book... .there was no reasoning with her, and it sounds the same for you.

[MenHaveFeelings2]

I think there is also something that happens that we don't talk a lot about here.   They "trick" us into trusting them and they use that trust to get their needs met and they abandon us by neglecting us and our needs and our feelings, and then they threaten to leave us and punish us by withdrawing love an stability... .it is hard to be abandoned and that is what they do to us emotionally throughout the course of the relationship.

I feel like crying, reading this. G-D - I didn't know there WERE words to express my experience and feelings... .

-W

[MenHaveFeelings2]

Know what I finally decided?  I finally decided I don't CARE "why".  I only care "what".

But what I realized, finally (and this could only be me, mind you) is that what I REALLY was looking for was some explanation that was based on something I did or didn't do... .something I could've controlled.  I wasn't satisfied with the simple explanation:  "it attacks because that is the nature of the beast".  Oh, no.  No, I wanted to see it in some way that would validate the Transformational Power of My Healing Love.

Gam -

My experience EXACTLY. So that bench you and Bunny are talking 'bout? - Please make room for me too!

-W

[gambaru]

I think bpdfamily ate my post... .what I said (approximately) was:

===============================

Bunny -

Our sign could be a giant capital "I".  With a halo!  What do you think?

Ooo!  Tiaras!  Can I wear a tiara?  Please, oh please, please with cream and sugar on its tail please can I Bunny, ple-e-e-a-se can I have a tiara?  I promise not to pick one that clashes with the capes!

G.

================================