Nonviolent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

[NigelLondon]

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (December 3, 2006) Paperback: 222 pages ISBN-10: 1892005034 ISBN-13: 978-1572244504

About this Book
This is absolutely brilliant.  It's a technique that I think would help anyone whatever their circumstances to have a more rewarding life but for Nons it could really help a lot.  It's a sort of Jujitsu of communication.  In Jujitsu you are totally passive and channel the other person's force to prevent injury.  in NVC you use the other person's emotional energy to help constructive communication.  Apparently it can work in even the most difficult of situations.

It's apparently based on Carl Roger's techniques Marshall Rosenberg worked with Roger's for some time.  However it's more formalized and easier to understand for the layman than Roger's work, he gives a lot of examples and it's quite easy to see what he's saying.  

I find the name a bit annoying as I believe the word violence would be better reserved for physical violence but that's not really relevant to how useful the technique is.  Also I don't agree with some of the deeper philosophical points but I won't bore you with the details except to say that I don't think they matter that much because I think the technique is great anyway.

About this Author
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. has initiated peace programs in war-torn areas throughout the world including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. He is the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international nonprofit organization that offers workshops and training in 30 countries.

www.cnvc.org/nvc.htm

[Bellamia]

NigelLondon,

I have attended a few seminars that teach this concept and way of communication without actually labeling it. I feel this will be a good place to hone my skills. I will read the book... .never hurts to become a better communicator.

My experience of the importance of communication with my BPD has been very insightful. I found I had a lot of work to do on my side when it came to clear communicating. I have to be very clear, for myself, what my wants, needs, expectations are and where am I willing to be. I have had to acknowledge thinking errors in myself and in a nut shell be real clear in who I am. By doing this there is more clarity and understanding with my BPD... .there is less guess work and I feel confident when I call her on her crap. There is also a greater sense of peace and calmenss in me and my life because I am asking for what I want and need. My loved ones no longer play the guessing game we get emeshed in.

Guess what I am trying to say is that this NVC looks like a very worthy option to look into and I am going to do just that. Thank you for the link... .I'll let you know what I think about the book!

Bellamia

[NigelLondon]

Thanks Bellamia.

[jardin]

Nonviolent Communication has pretty much changed my life and how I relate to people.  While doing some research on introverts and communication styles, I came across the topic via this link, which seems to be a decent primer.

www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent-communication-nvc-process.php

I've done a ton more reading - Marshall Rosenberg is the leading person in this field.  There is also a full seminar on youtube starting with www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-129JLTjkQ

I'll be the first to admit the ear thing was funny to me, but this process really does work.  With everyone.  I'm still trying to integrate the language in the moment, but even doing it silently has helped me so much.

[almondjoy]

I think this is such a fantastic model of how to validate and acknowledge a child's needs and sense of self.

The basic belief behind NVC is that all behaviors stem from feelings and needs, and all people share the same basic universal feelings and needs. I have often heard learning NVC described as, like learning to speak another language, and it really is.

The basic method is to clearly state your observation of what is going on, not judgment this is very important, then you state how you are feeling, and what you are needing from the situation, and finally making a clear request of the other person.

Now, it's important to remember you're making a request not a demand here, and obviously the other person may not feel the same way you do about the situation, and that's ok, the point is to try not to place blame on anybody here! Not everybody will be feeling or needing the same things from any given situation, and that doesn't make the other person "wrong" or "bad", they are doing the best they can with what they have at the moment. So, it is very important for us to try to put ourselves in their shoes, look at things from their point of view, so we can best work to get everyone's needs met and find a mutually agreeable solution. This means listening deeply to the other person, validating what they say, trying to figure out how their feeling and what they're needing from the situation, and go from there to the request.

mothering.com/non-violent-communication-and-parenting

He also has a website at: www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/parenting.htm

[WingAndaPrayer]

I've been working it for a year, and I just love it.  I work with a group of people and we exercises geared toward developing empathic communication.  In conception very simple, in practice can be very hard.  There's tons of stuff online about it.  www.cnvc.org/  

One NVC tip - don't offer sympathy.  Sympathy is about what is going on for you (I'm so sorry).  Empathy is what they probably rather want, and takes a little more doing.  Even if you're not guessing right, your empathic connection will prompt them to explore what they are feeling.  That's the basic move, and of course it's not a magic button, and it can be very sophisticated and require some back and forth.  

But it's only "difficult" because we've been culturally trained to judge, compare, compete, self-negate, etc., rather than identify our needs, and express our needs.  

[foiles]

I am doing the workbook to learn how to communicate under stressful conditions or conflict, or well, just about anything.  It is really great and has served me well in relationships and at work (I teach at a local college).  You really get in touch with your feelings and needs and how to communicate those to someone in a nonthreatening way.  

I never learned how to assert my boundaries.  My typical M.O. was to be passive until I couldn't stand it anymore, and then finally lash out.  Over the years, I've been learning about assertiveness.  I don't lash out anymore, but I still get very anxious when it comes to any kind of confrontation.  Deep down, I'm expecting World War III and I feel very at risk.  I am also lacking the tools to assert myself confidently in any/all types of confrontation.  This is something I'm scrambling to overcome.

I would recommend this book to anyone working on these issues.

Foiles

[lbjnltx]

check out this article on the Articles board... .Article on non violent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203956.0

i think i am in the middle... .maybe an elephant... .big and clumsy... .with a good heart.

hope that it helps many!

lbjnltx

[harley]

I was practicing a part of what's termed "Nonviolent Communication" before I'd ever even heard of it.

Now, since discovered it & it has been fantastic.

There are tools out there if anyone here does want to change their abusive behavior. And it has certainly helped me over the past decade having to stand up in front of 50 or so undergrads a few times a week, bc there is almost always a BPD type in every room who will try to push my buttons or another student's. Nothing like having to keep my cool up there & model correct behavior. Lol, my JOB used to depend on my psychological health, you know? And I never did last long at jobs with nasty bosses.

I have a friend who I swear has some form of aspergers, bc she is always putting her "foot in her mouth" as she calls it. I sometimes wonder lately if it's a conscious strategy on her part to say whatever the hell she wants... .Most of the time I THINK before I open my mouth. It may be I'm too conscious of my communication, but I'd far rather err on the side of nonaggression than aggression.

[balancing act]

This is for everyone, I think, whether you are leaving, staying, undecided, divorced, or a parent or a child of a BPD, or any other role we find ourselves in here.


Date: 5-2006Minutes: 9:35
Nonviolent Communication Part 1 | Marshall Rosenberg


"Mindful" posted this link on the L6 board, and I watched it, then continued on to watch the series.  I know it may seem a bit intellectual, but stick with it, listen to what he is saying, especially parts 3 and 4, and you will find that you have contributed to "violent communication" in your life.  Watch and listen as much as you can, it is truly life-changing to understand this.

Focusing on the needs based style can change our lives, even if we only use that in our own self-talk, as explained in part 2.

Please watch, and reply as to what you think of this.  I am astounded, and so grateful that this has been shown to me.  Thank you "Mindful"!

~balancing act  

[butterflybee]

That was very helpful - thanks for sharing.

My T (who is amazing) brought this up to me several weeks ago, but I didn't really understand what it meant - the video helped me to understand.  There is a book about this and she made a one-page worksheet to help her clients with this way of communicating.

The context in which she brought it up was to help prepare me to discuss with HR a customer who was (and still is) sexually harassing me (I posted about this on L6).  I told her I believe he may be a pwBPD, etc., and she taught me to simply describe his behaviors and to say that, as a result, I felt unsafe.

Now, I see what she meant.  At the time, I didn't see the big picture, but I trust her and took her advice.  She shifted me from being a labeler/accuser, to a describer of behaviors, and to say that my need of safety was not being met.

I think this actually ties in nicely with Livia's recent post of the article of forgiveness, and how we can get stuck in "making a case against the person."  That actually is labeling/judging.  I know I went through that in this healing process but am glad to be through that part.

Perhaps after seeing this video, I would reframe my thoughts on my uBPDxbf to say that his needs were not being met - I was unable to meet them, and the physical behaviors he displayed (biting, pinning me down, shaking me) left my need for safety unmet.

[rooster1106]

i am a big nvc fan. i go to a weekly group that focuses on empathy (which is an nvc practice.) i'm actually going on retreat to do an "intensive" with local nvc people. we leave thursday.

if your town has an "nvc discovery weekend," go for it. i did in at the end of may and it was amazing. it was even better than i expected. if you're into this, read "nonviolent communication: a language of life" by marshall b rosenberg. i haven't read it in years. this stuff is very practical and not super intellectual when learned in a group, but it can't be tricky to change your thinking.

[united for now]

Three huge reasons to use nonviolent communication skills.

As hard as it is, taking the higher road of disengaging does a lot.

It protects us from harm (1), it prevents our partners from utilizing an unhealthy way to cope with their own thoughts and feelings (2), and it does less damage to the relationship overall (3).

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello BPD-family!

Don't know if maybe you know this one already, but for the ones who don't: I found this video and wanted to share it with you as I think it is extremely helpful in terms of communication:


Date: 1-2012Minutes: 3:05:57
Nonviolent Communication Workshop | Marshall Rosenberg


It's not exactly about conversations with BPD partners but about how to communicate non-violently and I think that this is exactly what we need to do to make our relationships work and make things better with our sensitive BPD partners and friends.
The things Mr. Rosenberg is explaining go along very well with the tools we learn on here. It helped me getting more of a grasp of ":)on't JADE" and the validation skills - although he might be calling them differently.

As it helped me a lot, I'm glad if it could help some of you, too, that's why I'm sharing it

I think those 3 hours are really worth it All the best to you in the process of bettering/ saving your relationship!

[Buzz2]

I didn't watch the video but have the book.  I had to read it for a class and highly recommend it.  I agree that it has super helpful communication tips in there.  Good for any relationship, really.

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm glad we agree on this! I think if everyone put some effort in their communication skills and listened to people like Rosenberg, this world would be a better place, not just in BPD relationships