Is this all my fault? Did I cause this?

[otisjane]

Part of me knows I didn't cause this and all of me knows that if I had known differently when she was younger that I would have raised her differently.  She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her. That's not because I'm a bad mother, but because she didn't come with an instruction manual at birth.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[otisjane]

 I had known differently when she was younger that I would have raised her differently.  She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her.

[otisjane]

She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her.

[wendydarling]

Otisjane so true my DD responded to softness, empathy and validation, that's where I started. After 6 years my DD has built understanding and resilience through DBT and therapy. And I wonder about BPD/ASD... neurodivergence. I recently took part in a women's ASD research project and how females mask, present differently. 

[Leaf56]

Interesting. I gave my 25-year-old son a lifetime of softness, empathy, and validation. Made no difference and I doubt it would've made any in your child's life, otis. Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault.

[otisjane]

I gave my 25-year-old son a lifetime of softness, empathy, and validation. Made no difference and I doubt it would've made any in your child's life, Otis. Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault.

[otisjane]

so true my DD responded to softness, empathy and validation, that's where I started. After 6 years my DD has built understanding and resilience through DBT and therapy. And I wonder about BPD/ASD... neurodivergence. I recently took part in a women's ASD research project and how females mask, present differently.  A virtual hug (click to insert in the post)

[otisjane]

Part of me is certain that she wasn't my fault, and part of me also knows that I wouldn't have raised her differently if I knew differently. She requires far more empathy and softness than I have provided. This is not because I am a bad mom, but because she was born without an instruction manual.

[otisjane]

I had known differently when she was younger that I would have raised her differently.  She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her.

[otisjane]

 She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her. That's not because I'm a bad mother, but because she didn't come with an instruction manual at birth.

[otisjane]

I had known differently when she was younger that I would have raised her differently.  She needs far more softness and empathy than I had provided for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[m_stok]

Parenting such a kid require patience and a unique skill set. My son started showing symptoms when he was four years old. Initially, I thought that the anger and the mood swings are due to his age and he is my only child. But he started behaving badly in public especially with elders. That was an embarrassing situation for me. And everyone pointed me for not upbringing him well. I also felt guilty and thought that I'm a bad parent. And I started to punish him for everything. But the situation came worse as he was not having any change. Overall, I couldn't handle the situation.  I was totally confused and depressed about this. I also lost my job due to a lack of concentration. So the first thing I did was, I consulted a counselor who explained to me about the situation what my son is going through, and what am I suffering as well. My son was going through BPD. He advised me to sit for two sessions for anxiety therapy(https://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapytoronto.com/areas-of-specialty/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/). Because I must have a good mind to look after my son. For my son, the major issue was mood swings and uncontrollable anger and fear. So for him, we always provided and kept him in a cool environment. I and my husband were with him always. We played with him, Cooked his favorite food. We made him comfortable and allowed him to do his favorite activities. Every child will be unique. So the first step is to find out your son's problems and remember you are the only one who can cure them.  . The first thing we need to do as a parent is we need to understand them. I was totally confused and depressed about this. I also lost my job due to a lack of concentration.

[Trying2Survive]

<3

From everything I have read, our parenting does play a role in our Childs BPD.  Some of it is nature and some of it is nurture.  However, how were we to know we had a child predisposed to this type of disorder.  We were parents doing what we thought was best. 

All we can do is try our best to learn how to parent differently now and to role model better going forward.

I too feel a lot of guilt about my parenting mishaps.  You are not alone.

[Leaf56]

James Masterson, distinguishing between two types of patients in his classic Search for the Real Self—those who had "good-enough parenting" but still developed BPD, and those who developed BPD because of "severely damaging developmental experiences." If you think you perpetrated the latter on your child, then it's probably appropriate to feel guilt. But if you fall into the former category, as I'm quite sure 99.99% of the parents here do, rest assured: You did not cause this.

"This lifelong inability to separate [on the part of certain patients] and become autonomous was probably due to an innate genetic deficiency. The possibility that it might have been due to severely damaging developmental experiences was unlikely since their early histories were no worse than the early histories of other adolescent patients who did better in the study. Currently there is little research evidence regarding the exact nature of this type of genetic deficiency, but we have seen that some severely impaired individuals, whose conditions cannot be directly attributed to failures in nurturance or to acts of fate, do not respond to therapy of any kind; we assume that the root of the problem in these cases lies in a genetic or biologic deficiency. For example, studies have shown that the infantile psychotic will not respond to even the best mothering. In these cases, it appears that some innate deficiency, not inadequate mothering, is responsible. So nature has seen to it that we will not go through the first three years of life with the same ease or difficulty. Some of us will separate from our mothers and express our own uniqueness more easily, some of us will have a harder struggle to do so. Nature has not endowed each of us with the same psychological seeds for developing a real self, and as adults each person has her own unique range of strengths and weaknesses in the real self's capacities. What is present at birth will grown and develop, just as in a tree, the fruit, flower, leaves, bark, and structure are contained in the smallest of seeds."

[Iluvthe80s]

My adult daughter has been diagnosed as BPD. She’s in therapy and has also done a lot of reading on it. As a family, we’ve been in this storm for the last 15-16 years. Her symptoms started in adolescence with impulsive behaviors and explosive emotional outbursts. We were left wondering what happened to our happy kid. Even  in her recovery I feel shattered on a regular basis. She wants us to acknowledge that we’re to blame for not being the parents she needed and for not asking counseling early on. Each time we have an in-person visit, there’s a blow-up of blame. I can’t go back in time to be the right kind of parent. I’ve acknowledged that I could’ve done better. I’m so scared that we’ll never be able to move on to a more positive relationship because she is so intent on focusing on how we “screwed up” as parents. Part of her recovery has been very public social media posts, some of which blame us for her BPD. Is there hope? We have some good times together but I’m always in fear of stepping on a land mine.