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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Hi folks, new here with big problems  (Read 632 times)
PDQuick
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
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Don't look outside for the answers within.


« on: February 06, 2007, 05:00:58 PM »

Hi, Ive been reading this board for awhile now and have learned alot. Let me tell you my story. 13 Years ago I met Ms. Wonderful. It started out so fun and passionate and it seemed all would be great. I immediately was pushed into the role of problem solver. She had a roomate that was arrested for drugs, had to get her out of there. Her car was a piece of crap, had to get her a car. She didnt have custody of her kids, had to go after that. I was so busy with tasks, that I didnt realize the drama and the crap that was happening. After 6 months, we were living together. She had to quit bartending to get custody of her kids, and she bounced from job to job.

   Anyway, as time went on I realized that she was using me. We always did what she wanted to do, never what I wanted, and when pushed, she raged. One night the phone rang and it was a women friend of mine that I had gone to high school with and hadent talked to her since we graduated 6 years prior. When my G/f figured out that it was a girl, she raged. She pulled the phone out of my hands with such force that she hit herself in the face. Jail trip #1.

   We broke up, and after a few weeks, a suicide attempt brought us back together.(Her attempt). We got custody of the 2 kids and thats when it got bad. I would take care of them while she did whatever she wanted. After getting really tired of it, I started demanding to be treated fairly and with respect. I came home one day and she met me in the yard with a big hug and said Honey, I bought us a house. I didnt know anything prior to this point. Break-up # 2.

   I could go on and on, but this is what really gets me, we have broken up 4 or 5 times. She is always dating someone within the first week. She always seems so happy with her decisions. The last boyfriend took her to Jamaica and bought her diamond ear rings. But she was sleeping with me alot of the time. We got back together last December, and I was kicked out again in March. Next December, she wanted me back, and I did, and now (February) I am out and she has another boyfriend.

   MY PROBLEM: I want away from her but I cant seem to stay away. I have done it in the past, even dating a nice lady, but when she found out, she wanted me back, and I went (stupid.) I want to know why she has such control over me after so many break-ups and so many new guys? During counceling, our therapist told me about BPD and told me to get to know the signs and all because of her.

   I cant help calling her and wanting to see her. Of course, right now, its is not welcomed, but I know it will be after the newness wears off. I hate myself for my heart loving her when my head tells me to get the heck out. Does anyone have any advice? Its sad, I know she is sleeping with another guy, and I am not jealous, I just want to be around her. Its almost like an addiction.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2007, 05:12:43 PM »

Yes, it is exactly like an addiction, and your brain chemistry probably shows the same responses as a alcoholic's would show when deprived of drinking, then drinking again.

This is your problem more than hers right now.  You know she's seriously messed up, but what is with you?

Have you had any addictions, drugs, drinking, gambling, porn or other sex addictions?  If so, you have to get over your addiction to her just as you got over those addictions.

We talk about "no contact", but just as many drunks can't stop drinking, some nons can't stop contacting their BPD's even if the BPD has taken out a restraining order against them and they have gone to jail.  So... .continue working with the therapist, but remember that you are the only one who can prevent yourself from calling her or contacting her... .  Staying Sober from your drug of choice, your ex BPD, one day at a time.  I'm so sorry that you helped her with custody... .  and what did happen to that house?  Please remember that usually a woman loses custody of her kids for a good reason... .it's rare that the man gets custody when the woman really should have custody.  Be very suspicious of any woman who doesn't have custody of her kids and sets out to get it back... .with your help and money.
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PDQuick
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Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2007, 05:17:23 PM »

Thats just it, I dont drink, I love black jack, but I ve only played it 4 or 5 times in Vegas, I dont do drugs. I do however smoke. I cant explain it, I have great days where I dont want to talk to her, but some days, I cant function without contact.
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Cirque
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« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2007, 05:32:40 PM »

Welcome to bpdfamily, pmcbride.  As you've seen, there are a lot of others here struggling with the same fatal attraction.  I'll be rootin' for you.

--Cirque
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Bdawn
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2007, 12:19:02 AM »

Excerpt
MY PROBLEM: I want away from her but I cant seem to stay away.

Isn't that the weirdest thing about these relationships? I used to fantasize about getting out of my borderline relationship but whenever it looked like he was really through with me I would panic and try even harder to hold on. An addiction is exactly what it is. We say that we love these people and I guess that is probably true but I don't think it's love that keeps us involved with these toxic people, it's the need to feed our addiction. The promise of the high that we just might get if it's a good day. The way out is going cold turkey and oh yeah... .the withdrawl can be hell! but it's the greatest thing you will ever do for yourself.

Welcome to bpdfamily and good luck.
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eastmeetswest
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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2007, 07:29:17 AM »

What support system do you have?  Load up on it in times of need.  You may need to see T more than 1 time a week for a while.  Support groups would also be helpful.  Find ways to fill your time in advance with healthy people engaged in healthy pursuits.  Write down on a piece of paper all the crap you go through, and have gone through, and have it available for the times when you initially begin to think about her.  Stop the thoughts early.  Have a support buddy to call instead.  In other words, I guess treat it just like an addiction.  Get any outside support and help that you can to break the cycle.  Good luck.
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bewildered2
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2007, 08:29:33 AM »

You are addicted.

As with drugs and alcohol, the addict has to hit rock bottom, and then decide that breaking the addiction is better than staying with it. You aren't there yet, but maybe you are close?

You say you aren't jealous when the woman you love sleeps with other men? I just don't understand that. But if you don't care then maybe there isn't a problem! You just see each other occasioanlly for sex, no big deal.

Will you care if you catch a STD from her?

B2
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J.C.

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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2007, 08:34:58 AM »

Hey,

I'm in a similar place that you are, only my relationship did not go on as long as your did. She would break up with me, and I would move on. I'd start to see someone who was attractive/fun, and then she would call me in the middle of the night to tell me she made a mistake, will change, was a fool to have let me go... .and back I went. ::)I kept remebering the "highs" and the good times, and forgot about the lows, until I started journaling, and getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper.  Read the threads here, and keep posting. You are not alone.
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