Closure from an BPD ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have not posted much here, but I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards every day. I am still amazed at the similarities of the stories concerning our relationships with our BPD exs. One of the things that I picked up on is the lack of any closure once the relationship is over.

In reading some of the excelent articles I have been directed to through here I have found that  it is common, almost a given that the BPD will leave the relationship up in the air even after they have obviously gone on to seduce a new target and have become involved with a new lover.

I guess it is in thier very nature (Fear of abandonment, even if they are the ones doing the abandonment) and the fact that they are so emotionally inmature.

The other thing that struck me was that it didnt seem to matter how short or long the relationship was, thier behavior regarding closure did not seem to differ.

I think that maybe my (our ) biggest issue, the one that drives us so nuts, is that we as normal people can not begin to understand how someone who had spent years with us could just turn and leave without an explanation without expressing regret etc.

I think that we got so used to the push pull rythems (especially in the longer relationships) that when the final push comes and there is no recipricating pull , we feel like the tide has gone out and it never came back. We are left high and dry whatching the object of our affection sail off with a new lover.

In my case it was a 5 year relationship. My understanding that there really are three seperate and very identifiable phases to a BPD relationship has helped me to get over quickly the anxiety I felt about not having closure. Seduction phase, clinging phase, and hate phase.

I am sure others have thought of this before, but I thought it would be a good exercise for us to write ourslves our on Closure letter.

It is something we would never get from them and it could be written from the perspective of the damage we KNOW they did to us. Something the would never admit to even if they realized or cared.


Here goes mine.

******************************************************

Dear Kevin

I want to take this rare moment of clear cognative thought to express my deepest regret into having hurt you so much over the years.

I Know you really loved me and it scared me because I really didnt love you. I cant love. When we met I realized that you were someone I could pretend to love, someone I could spend time with and decieve into thinking that I was the woman of your dreams. Once I had you there I felt like I could control you and manipulate you to fill ALL of the needs I have. How wrong I was. You were a wonderfull, even tempered man, and all you wanted was a normal mature healthy relationship. It drove me crazy. Didnt you know that when I would rage at you over nothing. Of course I picked an issue but you were stupid enough to believe every time that the issue I was screaming about was real , it wasnt.

Then you would bust your ass to please me over an issue that I really didnt even care about and I just saw you as pathetic. Didnt you know that you could never do enough, say enough, love me enogh, support me enough?

Of course I acted normal around you most of the time. You trusted me believed  in me and loved me. But I was never happy, even when I acted happy. It was all an act.

And then something happened. I dont remember what, it dosent really matter. But i knew that you were not the one. It had to be you, it couldnt have been me. I dont know what I ever saw in you in the first place. 

I was done with you but I couldnt just leave you. You were my security, my saftey net. I HAD to find someone else first. I HAD to have that time to work my special seductive act on them, get them to rescue me, get them to want me, just like I did you in the begining.

So you see it wasnt really cheating and lieing it was just as neccessary for me as breathing. I HAD to.

But you, you and my sister ruined everything, I wasnt ready for you to find out yet. I really didnt have time to sink my hooks in this guy yet. HE is everything you arent. Of course I had to lie to you, but you didnt fall for it you wouldnt take me back so that I would have time to finish my plot.

YOU abandoned ME.

Now who knows if I can really reel this guy in.

Dont you WANT me to be happy? why would you do that.

I am sorry you hurt ME so much.


Tracy

**********************************


Well I think that is about as much of an applogy/closure that we could ever expect. What do you all think

[hooverproof]

I have not posted much here, but I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards every day. I am still amazed at the similarities of the stories concerning our relationships with our BPD exs. One of the things that I picked up on is the lack of any closure once the relationship is over.

In reading some of the excelent articles I have been directed to through here I have found that  it is common, almost a given that the BPD will leave the relationship up in the air even after they have obviously gone on to seduce a new target and have become involved with a new lover.

I guess it is in thier very nature (Fear of abandonment, even if they are the ones doing the abandonment) and the fact that they are so emotionally inmature.

The other thing that struck me was that it didnt seem to matter how short or long the relationship was, thier behavior regarding closure did not seem to differ.

I think that maybe my (our ) biggest issue, the one that drives us so nuts, is that we as normal people can not begin to understand how someone who had spent years with us could just turn and leave without an explanation without expressing regret etc.

I think that we got so used to the push pull rythems (especially in the longer relationships) that when the final push comes and there is no recipricating pull , we feel like the tide has gone out and it never came back. We are left high and dry whatching the object of our affection sail off with a new lover.

In my case it was a 5 year relationship. My understanding that there really are three seperate and very identifiable phases to a BPD relationship has helped me to get over quickly the anxiety I felt about not having closure. Seduction phase, clinging phase, and hate phase.

I am sure others have thought of this before, but I thought it would be a good exercise for us to write ourslves our on Closure letter.

It is something we would never get from them and it could be written from the perspective of the damage we KNOW they did to us. Something the would never admit to even if they realized or cared.


Here goes mine.

******************************************************

Dear Kevin

I want to take this rare moment of clear cognative thought to express my deepest regret into having hurt you so much over the years.

I Know you really loved me and it scared me because I really didnt love you. I cant love. When we met I realized that you were someone I could pretend to love, someone I could spend time with and decieve into thinking that I was the woman of your dreams. Once I had you there I felt like I could control you and manipulate you to fill ALL of the needs I have. How wrong I was. You were a wonderfull, even tempered man, and all you wanted was a normal mature healthy relationship. It drove me crazy. Didnt you know that when I would rage at you over nothing. Of course I picked an issue but you were stupid enough to believe every time that the issue I was screaming about was real , it wasnt.

Then you would bust your ass to please me over an issue that I really didnt even care about and I just saw you as pathetic. Didnt you know that you could never do enough, say enough, love me enogh, support me enough?

Of course I acted normal around you most of the time. You trusted me believed  in me and loved me. But I was never happy, even when I acted happy. It was all an act.

And then something happened. I dont remember what, it dosent really matter. But i knew that you were not the one. It had to be you, it couldnt have been me. I dont know what I ever saw in you in the first place. 

I was done with you but I couldnt just leave you. You were my security, my saftey net. I HAD to find someone else first. I HAD to have that time to work my special seductive act on them, get them to rescue me, get them to want me, just like I did you in the begining.

So you see it wasnt really cheating and lieing it was just as neccessary for me as breathing. I HAD to.

But you, you and my sister ruined everything, I wasnt ready for you to find out yet. I really didnt have time to sink my hooks in this guy yet. HE is everything you arent. Of course I had to lie to you, but you didnt fall for it you wouldnt take me back so that I would have time to finish my plot.

YOU abandoned ME.

Now who knows if I can really reel this guy in.

Dont you WANT me to be happy? why would you do that.

I am sorry you hurt ME so much.


Tracy

**********************************


Well I think that is about as much of an applogy/closure that we could ever expect. What do you all think

[the lucky one]

Hi re-engageproof I think your letter hits on a lot of points but dont take this the wrong way I believe it has one major flaw, BPDs do  love in fact they feel everything multiplied by ten,the good and the bad they cant handle it,normal relationships are difficult imagine experiencing all of your emotions ten fold,

[Spook120]

Are you sure we didn't date the same woman?  Spook.

[D_Art]

re-engageman,

That is oh so well written. I can even picture mine ranting the last few lines at me, hands on hips, and the pathetic, shrill, plaintiff wail. More degrees than you can shake a stick at, but the voice of a wronged 14 year old.

However, for authentic termination, I think you should add a final sentence along the lines of:

"HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY IMAGINE hit_  hit_  hit_  hit__  hit__ ?"     (Blanks to be filled in to suit individual cases / moods / day of week, etc.,  as appropriate.)

Art

[tracer]

great letter.

i can relate.

i dont think i will ever hear from mine tho... .

[Ripe]

Well done Kevin!  Your letter is a classic.

[Tinroof]

re-engagement, That letter is funny as hell! Great job.

[Michael396]

re-engageproof,

Good letter.  I wish I was strong enough to leave her before she was sure about the next guy.  I hung around and was dumped when she was sure she had him. 

Michael   

[hooverproof]

Hey Lucky One

Maybe some do.

Mine actually admitted to me that she couldnt during the last super re-engagement attempt after I found out about the affair.  She said "I love you as much as I can"   WTH is that?

Spook

Considering what I have learned about BPD behavior I would say, yes it is possible we were dating the same woman 

Michael396

believe me when I tell you. leaving first doesnt make it hurt any less. Sometimes I think maybe more. But god man, ... .we can only take so much.  I couldnt get past that one. I lost all respect for her... .sick or not.  Hell give it a try... write your own letter... .it kinda made me feel better.


You to Tracer


I have been reading your posts... .write your letter... .They dont deserve US!

[willowtree007]

I can't imagine a letter of closure from ex BPD bf and I can't write one for him. His behaviour is unfathomable, beyond comprehension and that is probably why *he* can't give closure. I truly believe that he doesn't understand why he does the things he does and feels the way he feels. On some level his behaviour gives him shame but he quickly blocks the fleeting feeling off.

The only letter of closure I can give is the one from me to him, but it is a waste of time and effort for, as unbelievably intelligent as he is, he cannot make sense of it - "it's like breathing Cream of Wheat", he once said. As simple as I've tried to make things, it becomes a racing jumble for him. What a sad waste of an excellent human being!

[missingu2]

Yep, there is no closure from a relationship with an untreated BPD. I spent 7 1/2 months with an untreated BPD ex and when the final push came, there was no pull. She never contacted me again, and I was left wondering what happened. She painted me black to everyone and even went as far as to get the legal system involved.

While it killed me the first few months after she broke up with me, I am now in a much better place. I understand and accept that there will never be closure from what went on between us and I have accepted that that chapter in my life is closed, forever.

[ardnax]

In my case, part of the reason HE is so angry with ME (he says) is that I haven't participated in any closure.  As if!  The whole last 2 years were closure in a number of ways.  And he was upset because after I had moved out, I didn't call to suggest getting together to have a game of cards or a nice dinner together where we could come to some closure about our relationship.  This is what sent him over the edge.  What a nice tete-a-tete we could have had.  Now I have missed my chance (poor me).  I didn't ask him why he was doing better, and now I have received a threat that he will make me sorry if I EVER ask him how he is or wish him well.  It could send my head spinning if I were to let it!

[dusk]

I REALLY JUST CANNOT BELIEVE how similar everyones stories are to mine!

CLOSURE?

I have had no explanation, no discussion... .NOTHING! Together 6 years, married 3, we have a child and I have other children that he wants to maintain a relationship with but me? Nothing! We are married for heavens sake! And now that seems to mean nothing. It's like we are strangers. Like he never knew me. He's forgotten the 6 years of hell he's put me through. It's over and I don't know why and he won't tell me his side.  I know it's over as I won't put up with his abuse anymore but what's HIS excuse?

I was loving, forgiving, kind and selfless. I bent over backwards to make him happy but it was never enough. Now this is his THIRD marriage down the drain with NO explanation... .

[liberateddad]

re-engageProof   Great thought, Gret letter.  But unrealistic.   There is no closure from them.  They have moved on to the next victim.   Yes the scenario is virtually always the same.  Some worse than others.  In my case, she has moved on, married (poor guy)but yet still wants control.  She called yet last night stating she needs my help.   I did not answer of call her back.  NC is the rule.  Unfortunately I live in a small town where we do know many of the same people.  i walk around with my spiderman sense always on alert.   So for me there is no closure... .only time.           LD

[elphaba]

Unfortunately we are the only ones rational enough to write a closure letter, the only ones who are able to see our own part in the breakdown of the relationship, the only ones to be able to see things rationally.

I wrote a closure email to my stbxh

I am writing to give myself some closure and it is something I need to do for me to help me close this chapter of my life.

Wanted to officially say goodbye, I know that you got the financials into the lawyer finally so you should be getting a copy of a Seperation Agreement soon.  I would ask as a final favor that you allow this to pass and sign it without making it any harder than it is.  Final divorce hearing should be scheduled in the next couple of months and then you can officially be free of me.

I sent you a message on myspace but since I did not get any kind of response, not sure if you got my myspace message or if your little  gf is updating that page for you now, or if you just don't give a sht enough to respond to me.

I wish that we could have ended this relationship (since it had to end) with some sort of mutual respect or friendship, but, you did not allow that to happen.  I wanted to believe that you were with me because you honestly loved me, but, I know now that any woman who showed you any attention would have easily had you stray and get you in bed.  It really honestly makes me wonder if you cheated before... .although I guess that is a mute point now.

I have no feelings left for you except dissapointment and the knowing that you are just like every other ∂ƒ∫∆˚ out there.  11 years were wasted of my life and my girls on caring about you, shame on me.

You have moved on and are living your NEW life, re-living the years in your 20's that apparently you resented spending with me.  Now you have all your 20 something friends and I am simply a part of your past.  The fact that you are still out, having fun, enjoying your freedom, enjoying your lack of responsiblities and not even bothering to look back to see the damage you have left in your wake is a true testiment to who you are.  The fact that you cannot honestly feel badly for what you have done to my family, how you have further proven to MY girls that men will always hurt and dissapoint them, is very sad.

11 years, and you are not even missing a beat... .I would have thought that your first really serious relationship would have somehow meant more to you... .I would have thought that all of those years and all that we've been thru would have meant something, I wanted to believe that you actually loved me,  I would have thought my friendship meant more to you - once again, I am proven wrong on all counts.

I must move on too, in life and love, I will need to find a right time to tell D the truth, I will need to deal with violent xhusband being back in the area and the one person I could have/would have counted on to help me through could not possibly care any less about me... .

I'd like a response, just to know that you even still acknowledge my existance, but, have learned not to expect very much empathy from you.

Goodbye xxxxx, to you as the friend I once knew, the husband and lover, the musician I admired and supported - goodbye... .



Cathartic for me, of course it got not response, no empathy.

[csandra]

My early emails said much the same thing.  In fact, he just replied to one from 2 months ago.  I responded much too quickly, but did point out that the email was from 2 months ago. 

The real irony is that I sent an email to him informing him that our daughter(while visiting him) had found a love letter and diamond ring in his pants pocket.  In the subject of email I wrote: "No response please".  Well, wouldn't you know it, he responded within hours... ."I will discuss this with the kids".  Of course by now he is saying that the relationship is over, didn't mean anything and the ring was not diamond(LOL).

[Peace4us]

Try this on.

Closure is not something someone else gives you.  It is something you give to yourself.  Often even if an ex  says " I am sorry" it never feels good enough. 

When you choose not to let the past control your future, and you leave it back there where it belongs you will experience a sense of closure.  I forgave my ex for not being capable of being what I needed and wanted, BECAUSE he was not capable.  That forgiveness was not for his sake but mine.

Not saying I forget.  Not saying I forgive him currently for his assinine behaviour I endure with co- parenting.  I just chose to move on and end the grip of power he had in my feeling pain.


I had a huge sense of relief this past weekend while I was collecting my children from him, and he snapped at his wife, in defense of me over some simple comment "She knows that" he said disrepectfully to her. And in my head I said "Glad its not me anymore"

That was proof to me of closure.

Peace4us

[csandra]

"end the grip of power he has over my feeling pain".  Yes, that is what I want.  I do not want to spend my remaining years bitter and angry over someone who did not have the capacity to love me/continue to love me as he may have intended.  Don't know if I will ever be able to face that maybe he never REALLY loved me.  We both had dreams. 

[missingu2]

Try this on.

Closure is not something someone else gives you.  It is something you give to yourself.  Often even if an ex  says " I am sorry" it never feels good enough. 

When you choose not to let the past control your future, and you leave it back there where it belongs you will experience a sense of closure.  I forgave my ex for not being capable of being what I needed and wanted, BECAUSE he was not capable.  That forgiveness was not for his sake but mine.

Not saying I forget.  Not saying I forgive him currently for his assinine behaviour I endure with co- parenting.  I just chose to move on and end the grip of power he had in my feeling pain.


I had a huge sense of relief this past weekend while I was collecting my children from him, and he snapped at his wife, in defense of me over some simple comment "She knows that" he said disrepectfully to her. And in my head I said "Glad its not me anymore"

That was proof to me of closure.

Peace4us

Yes, I can't agree more with you, Peace4us. Closure is something we give ourselves. Like you, I have chosen to move on and end the grip of power that my ex undiagnosed BPD had over me.

[Sapphire]

YOU abandoned ME

This line jumped out at me, and I had to comment because... .

I heard almost the same words from Jigsaw at the end of our relationship:

"I knew you would abandon me! You're just like everyone else!"

The thing that really got me about that remark is that HE was the one who was making plans to leave the state, leaving ME behind!

Talk about projection... :

Peace4us is correct in her response: the only closure you'll ever get is the closure that you give yourself. I had to write my own closure e-mail too - just like Elphaba did. Because I knew I'd never get any closure from Jigsaw.

~S~

[NHBeachBum]

Jeesh - so many letters I could write to my exBPDgf (I think re-engageProof dated her too).

Let's see - since she acted so immature I could go with the "little Kid" theme:

Dear sicko,

You hurt me where my feelings are! Why did you have to act like such a meany and a poopy-head? I hate your guts. Get off my play ground you wicked witch of the west!


Here could be the "angry guy" theme:

My dearest darling,

You suck! F you for being such an a-hole and mis-leading me. I hate you, you lying, cheating, miserable, abusive, pysco-path, excuse for a human being! What the hell is the matter with you anyway? You broke up with me but then you just HAD to swing by uninvited to rub a little more sand in my open wound. Thank you for letting me heal, helpy helperton! I hate you witch. Thank you for ruining my life sleaze bag. BTW - did I tell you that I hate you? But I'm not bitter! 

Luv, Me

P.S. I really think the anger management classes are having an immensely positive effect on my life. Is it too late to try again one more time babe? I miss you. Call me.


Here's my "short & sweet" theme:

Dear A-hole,

F you and the horse you rode in on. Go stalk someone else who may actually give a crap. Don't call me... .ever psycho!

Kindest, warmest regards,

Your soulmate... .NOT!


Peace & Sapphire hit the nail on the head - there is no closure from them!

-NHBB

[Sapphire]

I'm happy to see you're still keeping your sense of humor, NHBB! :P

~S~

[willowtree007]

I love it, BB! I'm having a hard time picking my favourite - hmm, I think the last one!

Wil

[Sapphire]

Although the following is not a "closure" e-mail per se, it is a closure e-mail in a sense as far as MY closure was concerned in letting out how I felt towards Jigsaw's abuse that he inflicted upon me. I never sent him this particular e-mail, but I did feel better for writing it all out: it was good therapy for myself. I think some of you will be able to relate: most of us have been there.

 

I hate you for what you have done to me; I pity you for your desperation. I understand now that you "orchestrated" this whole thing between us, to keep me "hooked" because of your own fear of being abandoned. But in your desperation, you ended up sabotaging everything we could have had. I understand your fear now, as a result of what you have put me through. You have put me in your own pathetic world - I feel everything that you feel. But I would never do to someone what you have done to me. Because, unlike you, I also feel compassion & empathy - something that you are incapable of. I hate you for making me feel fear that I have never known - I hate you for pretending to love me - I hate you for betraying me, again & again. I hate you for abusing me mentally, emotionally, & sexually - I hate you for taking my fears and using them against me. I hate you for bringing me to a cesspool of a place, and then leaving me here, while you go on with your life with someone else (in a much better place). I hate you for cheating on me, while I remained true to you. I hate you for conning me to give up another man who would have been good to me, just so you could make yourself feel better. I hate you for all your lies & promises & false vows - I hate you for making me believe that you're someone that you're not. I hate you for making me doubt myself, and causing me to have self-hatred. I hate you for conning me: conning me to give up my life - conning me back into your arms again after kicking me out - conning me to give up another man - conning me to move back in with you again - conning me to wait for you while you "get your life back on track" again - conning me to believe all your bullsht. I hate you for trying to turn everything you've done to me around, and trying to make ME feel guilty. I hate you for trying to project YOUR bad behaviour on to ME, and for trying to take the blame off of yourself by justifying your actions with excuses. I hate you for not being a man, and allowing another woman to do your "dirty work" to try and hurt me further. I hate you for being a coward, and for not being able to face me so I can tell you how I feel. I hate you for having so little compassion for me that you don't even call to see how I am doing, when you know what it's like to live in this stink-hole. I hate you for never helping me out when I needed help, and you could have, but were too self-centered to care. I hate you for all the tears I have shed over you, while you gloated. I hate you for allowing me to stand by you thru all the bullsht, while the whole time you never had any intention of standing by me. I hate you for using me like a cheap whore, just so you could get your own personal sexual gratification. I hate you for so many things, just as much as I once loved you. But I also pity you too: you are pathetic and weak and incapable of human emotions. You tried to turn me into your shadow, but couldn't, although you almost succeeded. You tried to take everything away from me, so I would always depend on you and never leave you, while conning me to believe that your way was right, and mine was wrong. I remember all the times you tried to project your bullsht onto me: your warped way of thinking, your negative emotions, your total unrealistic view of the way life is supposed to be. I hate you for allowing me to believe that my way was wrong, and letting me look for reasons to justify your bad behaviour, and giving other people excuses to cover up your bullsht. I hate you for taking away my stability & security, and for trying to stick me in your wasteland world, wandering around like a lost ghost. The whole time I was with you I was always in a turmoil, and a constant state of confusion. But now that you are gone, I have peace of mind, and I can sleep at night again. I am beginning to feel like a human again, like I did before you came into my life and sucked the life out of me. I am starting to feel joy again, instead of all the anger & self-loathing that I felt when you were here. And I'm hoping that some day soon, I'll be able to love again too, before you came and took that away from me also.

Even though I used the word "hate" throughout the e-mail, I didn't really hate him. I hated what he did to me, and for a time I "hated" myself for allowing him to manipulate me, but I don't hate him. I hate the illness he has, and what it has done to me, him, and others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You are a monster - you are evil. If I understand your pathology, and now I finally do, you are in constant agony. That's what you have shared with me; that's what you have given me -- pain. You were already suffering, but in betraying & torturing me, you have only added fuel to your own emotional & mental hell-fire. You hurt me like I have never been hurt in my life. But I'll get past it soon some day. I'll start to feel like I did before, which was pretty good. But you? You will be in hell for as long as you live. And that is where monsters belong... ."

<<author unknown>>

The above is not something I wrote myself. I came across it somewhere at bpdfamily and copied it, b/c it was something that was just so befitting to Jigsaw's & my relationship. Do I believe he's a "monster" or "evil"? I don't know: monster & evil are strong words to use and aren't very nice, and I HAVE used them in reference to Jigsaw several times in the past. I believe he's sick, and I believe he's incapable of truly caring for anyone but himself: whether or not it's fear-driven and he re-acts the way he doesbecause of his fears, or b/c he IS a "monster" is something that only he knows. And it doesn't matter. What DOES matter is he hurts people, and should be taking responsibility for his behaviour towards others. And if he isn't willing to do so, he is a "monster" of sorts... .

Evil? I don't believe so. I've seen evil: Jigsaw is sick & pathetic & pitiful, but I don't believe he's evil. Evil is Hitler or Saddam or Bin Laden. Jigsaw may be mean & spiteful & cruel at times, but not evil.

I'm getting off the subject -- sorry!

The point I'm trying to make is that if you want any closure, you have to make your own. Writing those e-mails is therapeutic, and helps to "cleanse" your soul... .even if you DON'T send them! I've written many of them myself, and each time I did, I felt a weight being lifted off myself. Some of them I sent to Jigsaw, some of them I didn't. But just being able to express my feelings was a relief in itself. And even though he never "heard" all of what I wanted to say to him, it helped me to gain my closure... .

~S~

[elphaba]

Wow... .Sapphire many of those lines in your post really hit home for me... .

I hate you for trying to project YOUR bad behaviour on to ME, and for trying to take the blame off of yourself by justifying your actions with excuses. I hate you for not being a man, and allowing another woman to do your "dirty work" to try and hurt me further. I hate you for being a coward, and for not being able to face me so I can tell you how I feel.  I hate you for never helping me out when I needed help, and you could have, but were too self-centered to care. I hate you for all the tears I have shed over you, while you gloated. I hate you for allowing me to stand by you thru all the bullsht, while the whole time you never had any intention of standing by me.  I hate you for so many things, just as much as I once loved you. But I also pity you too: you are pathetic and weak and incapable of human emotions

The word "HATE" fits for me right now, maybe someday I won't hate him (as much) but, for now the hate is fueling my ability to get past this and never want to go back.  I do hate him for all those reasons above and more and because he refuses to see his own illness or do anything about it... .and because he could never understand/accept the fear and pain he brought back into my life or take ANY responsibility for it, I am left regretting the entire relationship, no happy memories... .the bad just outweighs the good by far too much.


And this... .I'm really tempted to post this on my blog.

"You are a monster ... .If I understand your pathology, and now I finally do, you are in constant agony. That's what you have shared with me; that's what you have given me -- pain. You were already suffering, but in betraying & torturing me, you have only added fuel to your own emotional & mental hell-fire. You hurt me like I have never been hurt in my life. But I'll get past it soon some day. I'll start to feel like I did before, which was pretty good. But you? You will be in hell for as long as you live. And that is where monsters belong... ."

Closure is a gift we must give ourselves if we are ever to recover... .

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146

[bewildered2]

"Closure", BP style, is when you, the Non, don't think about them anymore.

I can't wait for the day.

B2

[Peace4us]

I think real closure is when you just don't care anymore.  One way or the other.  When you no longer really need to use "F you" A**hole.  I took along time to get past that.

But the bitterness and anger, and diappointment only effected me.  The stuff I carry belongs to me, and I choose not to carry it any longer.

Besides no matter how I felt, had not one bit of effect on his life.  So the bitterness just made me bitter and for what reason?


Peace4us

[Cyndi]

Best closure?  Don't count on explainations or apologies, don't try to get through to them, close it off yourself.  You take back your power and your dignity.  They will never see it coming, and it will upset the sht out of them.  I can live with that

[SunriseDreams]

Seduction phase, clinging phase, and hate phase.

This statement is in my opinion, the gold standard dynamic of a relationship with a BPD person.  I don't think anyone could have said it better.  Kudos to you!

[SunriseDreams]

I'd like to add this from my own experience with my BPDexbf.

Seduction phase: No dating, just making out, rushed sex, him telling me all about how he was hurt by his terrible exgf's, and him begging me to move in with him after two days.

Clinging phase: Two years down the line he spends more time screaming at me, hitting me, and then begging me not to leave him while he stands there in tears holding my car keys. Meanwhile, when he's not raging at me, or hurting me, he spends almost all of his time playing RPG video games on the computer. He had no job, I supported him and his bad habits. After I finally get the courage to leave him, and to try to learn not to be a co-dependent weakling, he sends me 10 emails a day, and calls my mobile phone roughly 20 times a day; leaving me message after message about how he desperately needs me to come back to him, to come "home." Meanwhile, I find out he's been on the internet seeking a new gf for several months, while he was begging me to return.

Hate phase:  He then decides to smear me on the internet to his new (all female) friends, telling them all that I am the bad one, and that I hurt him. The smear campaign was in full effect for at least a year.  He moves in with an old friend of mine who has "turned against me" because I "hurt" him. I tell her that he hit me in an email, and I try to warn her. Her response is "you must have done something to deserve the beatings."