15. Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD

[blackandwhite]

According to Skip, Christine Lawson was continuing to focus on her private practice with no plans to release another book. We can only thank her for the tremendous contribution she made through publishing Understanding the Borderline Mother. It has impacted many people's lives for sure.



B&W

[Skip]

We spoke to her two years ago.  She is practicing in Torrance, California and focusing on that.  She is not active with the promotion of her book or writing.

[KHat]

I read this book this summer and thought it was incredible.  Since my brain is always asking "why" and trying to create order from chaos, this book helped immensely.  It even helped me with some of my own mother's hermit behaviors.

However, it wasn't as helpful to me as I had hoped, in being a secondary non hoping to have the tools to counteract my stepdaughters' mother's influence on them.  Nearly every point was directed towards ADULT children of borderline mothers, and I was hoping to learn some ways to mitigate damage while they're still young.

Still, I'll keep this book on the shelf and handy during the coming years.  I just wish there were some kind of guide for those of us coparenting with disordered mothers, especially Queens who lack mirroring and cannot separate from their children.

BTW, to those looking for an inexpensive way to get your hands on the book, try abebooks.com or half.com.

[sabrosita7394]

I received the book today. I skimmed the book for a few minutes. My mother is definately the queen, the witch towards me and usually a waif also (she thinks she has every illness known to man, and then a few not known  ). let me know if you have read the book and what you thought about it. I am going to start reading it thoroughly tonight. I hope it doesn't cause me to get upset, but then again almost everything about my mother makes me cry.  :'(  Thanks in advance for any input about the book!

[MovingOnInMyLife]

GREAT book!  Very validating! 

My mom is Witch with me and Queen with everyone else... .

[Skip]

I've seen it for as little as $15 on our bookfinder... .

www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords=0876306342&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=

[gypsygirl79]

I bought it 2 years ago and love it. It has been my go-to book lately. Especially when I'm feeling like maybe it's me - not her. But as soon as I start reading I get the reassurance I need. Definitely her.

[cwotton]

I didn't have a BPD mother (probably the farthest thing from it), but my grandchildren do (my daughter). I have bought it for them against the time when they fully realize that something is terribly wrong, and need to understand it. (They are beginning to reach that point.) Meanwhile, I'll read it myself, to help me understand my daughter's behavior.

[freerangechicken]

Understanding the Borderline Mother was so helpful to me. To try to understand my childhood and my selfhood including myself as a BPD parent. I was new in (this round of) therapy, and in the bookstore looking in the psychology section. I didn't even know much of the diagnosis as it hadn't been spoken out loud to me yet.  I pulled the book from the shelf out of curiosity and opened it randomly and there was my mother described, in the Queen section. No way could I leave that store without that book. That was 3 years ago. From what I learned in the book, I took the diagnosis to my therapist and asked if she thought the diagnosis fit me. She did and had thought so for a while. It was freeing to have more information and clarification, but mostly to have validation of the very intense feelings and things I struggle with.

So, I a both a person who struggles with BPD and at least a 3rd generation person BPD.

    2

[Phaedrus]

So I just finished this book. It took me awhile for a lot of reasons. For one, it was too accurate and brought to mind so many things I'd forgotten about. I'd find myself after a few paragraphs daydreaming (or daymaring) about past events some over twenty years old. Also so much of it is scary in it's accuracy of things that have already happened that it's predictions of what will happen in the future left me so unsettled I couldn't sleep after reading it. Plus I had to read it secretly because I don't won't my kids to pick this one up yet and my wife doesn't like that I spend so much time trying to understand my ex-wife, (even though I only do it so I can find a way to reduce conflict with her since she is still so present in our lives - eleven and half years later. Plus I want to understand the emotional turmoil my kids are going through and figure out how to deal with it).

After reading the chapters on each type of BPD mother (as opposed to the summaries in the beginning) I actually found the queen to be practically 100% a description of X.  At the end it mentions that one of the messages the Queen sends her family is "What's mine is mine what's yours is mine." X didn't just send that message, she actually used to say it to me regularly and then laugh like it was a joke, but she clearly felt that way and still does to this day.

I found the witch to be about 75% accurate though as well, very frightening but also very reassuring because it let me know the vicious and expensive custody battle I waged this past year was definitely the right thing to do. The author mentions that Witch mothers may take a child's dog to the pound. My ex did that, then after I rescued the dog, she got them another one only to then threaten regularly to drop it off on the side of the road while they were at my house.

The section on the all good son is 100% accurate to our son who she treats as all-good, including the issues of depression, anxiety and guilt. The section on the no-good son mentions how their grades suffer as a result of their mother's treatment but their mother's never realize it. That's an exact description of what's been happening for years. My son who she treats as the no-good son once was inducted into the Beta club and there was a ceremony and he was so proud about. On the way to the ceremony his mom called to say she was too tired to attend. His whole demeanor changed and the rest of year his grades plummeted. When she called to bhit to me about his grades falling (because for some reason it was my fault even though he lived with her then) I mentioned to her how deflated he was when she showed no interest in attending the ceremony and her only response "oh please, you're actually blaming me?"

I could go on for pages about the accuracy of this book to my own situation, but I'm still not sure about the breakdown of the four types - waif, hermit, queen, and witch. I think it just comes down to the fact that not all BPD are 100% the same.

[bunnieone]

I found this book so life changing and amazing, it was the first time I read a description of my mother - she was a bit of all the archetypes.

It made such a fundamental difference to me, confirmed I wasn't mad (at my worse when she upsets me) and enabled me to see the whole thing in a different context, in a more detached way I suppose and most importantly made me see I was not alone!

I remember being particularly convinced about it when I read that they don't remember all the nasty things that they have said so you are on the floor with grief and anguish them having wiped the floor with you and they say whats wrong with you? Thereby making you feel as if you are mad.

I did write to thank Christine Ann Lawson and I just had the feeling that she didn't have that much feedback about it and I would love for her to feel what an amazing book she has written and how helpful it is.

Perhaps we could send her a thank you petition or something?

[MindfulJavaJoe]

As a parent who is looking to minimise the impact that my stbuBPD/uNPD wife has on our 3 children I cannot praise this book highly enough.

It should be regarded a "the bible" for adult children who are seelking to understand their borderline mother and how her behaviour may have shaped their ubringing.

It is well reseached and referenced and yet presented in a form which is easy to understand and digest.

Although not inexpensive it is well worth the asking price.

If your mother has BPD and you are looking for a good place to start then this is it.

[blackpowder]

  I am aware it is dangerous for laypeople to diagnose. However, this book in certain chapters was literally written about me and my uBPD exwife. I recommend it to everyone. With young children involved I feel it a must own.

[exbpdgf]

Uh, wow, wow, wow. This book was so enlightening to me-and at this point, about the 5th or 6th book I've read on BPD.

I'm so grateful to my T who helped me figure out that my ex uBPDgf was most likely (understatement) BPD and that my mother is also BPD.

Now I'm clearer about what sort of BPD I believe my exuBPDgf to be, my mother and unfortunately a few other people who've been in my life. I joked to a friend today that I am now seeing BPD everywhere! Seriously, though this book helped me also figure out where my dad fit into all this (I now think that both my ma and stepma plus my mother's mother all were BPD).

And lastly, this book helped clarify behavior of my MIL (mother of my ex-I now think she's a waif-so clearly) and helped me see ways/patterns I fell into too.

NOW I get that I am a friggin' miracle -having been raised by alcoholic queen/witch

[doubleAries]

This book was literally life changing for me.

When my T told me he thought my mom is BPD and I should research it, it just wasn't really clicking for me (especially the DSM criteria--she fit some but clearly not others. Like a borderline Borderline  )

Then I came across Lawson's book. The waif, the hermit, the queen--those didn't fit. Then I read about the witch. It was as if Lawson had been using my mom as the template for this chapter. My mom is one of those rare BPD's that is primarily a witch, rather than one of the other types who sometimes becomes a witch. It's a miracle my brothers and I are still alive.

I found this book to help me understand much better why BPD's are not the same (the inner experience of the waif, primarily, is victimization, etc, the inner experience of the witch is annihilating rage--obviously, the outward behavioral reaction to these differing inner experiences are going to be different, with certain things in common--example: seriously out of proportion emotions).

I actually cried in giddy-ness when I read the chapter about how to live with the witch without becoming her victim--even though I've been NC for 22 years. I finally understood why I was the "no-good child" and that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do--it wouldn't have changed it. I also finally understood why I made many of the choices I did when I "grew up". I even understood my stepdad better (a perfect fisherman).

This, in my opinion, is THE best book about BPD available, and written in "layperson" terms. Even though it's fairly expensive (Amazon sells used copies!) I bought extras for my brothers, who also were overwhelmed by the book.

[eureka2013]

I just finished reading this book yesterday. It was not cheap - $30 on Amazon and it's a paperback. But I consider it money well spent. I saw my childhood in it, especially the chapters about the Waif mother and the Witch mother. I actually found myself writing "OMG!" in the margins at a lot of parts; it was almost as if the writer had been there for my childhood!For some reason I find it reassuring to know that there was definitely something wrong with the way I was brought up. It was not normal.

I highlighted so much of this book that rings similar and have passed it along to my sister. Then I will give it to my brother. We are all finding it helpful to realize what we are dealing with. I am breaking this horrible cycle with my children. I am not a perfect mother (who is?) but I know I am not like the women described in the book.

[oglobaith]

I also found this book enlightening and helpful in understanding my uBPDdd and the effects of her behaviour on my grandchildren.  Had it not been so expensive to buy, I would have been wanting to send a copy to every children's social work department in the country as social workers seem abysmally unaware of what goes on behind closed doors in these families. 

[mosaicbird]

I finally read this book recently after wishlisting it several years ago and then avoiding it. The day I got it, I opened it up just intending to do a quick skim before delving into it, and instead I found myself sitting down, transfixed. I had flipped to the Waif chapter, thinking I was most likely to find my mother in there, and I was right. I can't tell you how many times I exclaimed, "Oh my god!", out loud, because it was my life. Down to little details like her driving off recklessly when upset, and threatening to drive over a bridge with me in the car! 

[TheRightPond]

Reading this was half liberating and half traumatic. I bought it partly for educational reasons and I expected to read about my deceased aunt's and my maternal grandmother's behavior. At the time, I hadn't realized that the rage I was consistently subjected to by my mother while growing up was a manifestation of BPD. My grandmother's Good Child turned into the Waif and her Bad Child turned into the Witch.

It is liberating to know that my set of experiences fall under a certain header and that there are people with similar experiences. I would be able to find someone further along in their journey who could offer reassurance or advice when/if I ever decided to dive into processing and integrating the first 18 years of my life.

The traumatic bit springs from my habit of maintaining a poker face. Reading my patterns of behavior and thoughts in a book made me feel like I gave myself away somehow. Someone had figured out that under the flat affect, reliability, detachment, and intellectualism there is a pit of pure terror. Exhibiting fear, sadness, or anxiety was always blood in the water.

[Krudula]

The book was lent to me recently by my social worker and support person. I am a nonBPD gr.mother looking after my grandson. Our son had a relationship with his now ex partner who has dBPD. They have separated but there is still so much contact because of the gs. Ex is firmly in denial of her diagnosis, only owns up to bipolar traits and eating disorder, or if in need of sympathy PTSD is thrown in. She picks and chooses whatever is more convenient and depending who needs to be manipulated.

I have found the book very helpful but it also raises more concerns what the future will hold for my grandson. Parenting arrangements are still before the courts, meanwhile gs and nonBPDs are living with us. She probably fits the Queen as described in the book, with Waif as supporting actress!

We are doing our best to be the stabilising, secure people in gson's life.

[Justme1]

I read this book after first having read "Surviving a Borderline Parent". I found both to be beneficial for different reasons.

While "Surviving a Borderline Parent" was shorter, it was filled with activities, most of which required a good deal of time and reflection, which I found to dramatically stir up my emotions. It took me several months to finish it due to this reason.

"Understanding the Borderline Mother" went into much more detail on the specific types of BPD. Perhaps having read the other book first, I was better prepared to read what it had to say, as I finished it in two days with no emotional breakdowns.

I would definitely recommend both books. This one does an excellent job of describing the specific experiences that each of us may have faced. It's enlightening and validating.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I waited for weeks to get UNDERSTANDING  THE BORDERLINE MOTHER from the library and finally got to skim though it. I always skim first, then read. When I got to the chapter entitled Make Believe Children. Under the bold heading  



"Characteristics of the All-Good

":)oes not develop borderline  personality  disorder ".  

Lawson reasons , because  only the idealized parts of the mother are projected onto  this child.

Under the bold heading "Characteristics  of the No -Good child"

":)evelops borderline  personality  disorder "

":)oes not develop borderline  personality  disorder ". [/b]

Lawson reasons , that it is only a matter of time before the borderline's  no-good daughter becomes a borderline mother herself.

Help Please.

Why do I say this?

1  My  u BPDs (the all- good child)  has been a source of great pain my whole life due to BPD behaviors toward me, classic distortion campaigns, mood changes, hatred and accusatory  mistrust  of me despite my attempts to heal the relationship. She fulfills 6 of the 9  criteria. All this due to my uBPDm 's  constant instruction of her that this was all true (I  am the no-good child)

2   Despite seeing accurate knowledge of BPD in all the rest I read so far ,  I would never share the book with my mom .  She is 86 , on enough antidepressants and antipsychotics to be emotionally stable, and is actually  now able to apologize  to me and discuss her own feelings about her own BPD mother... I think she would have loved to read it to understand the roots of her own unloved childhood.

3  My sister lives with my mom and I know if my sister found out my mom read it and liked it, she would have read it too. And what I quoted above would have SEALED MY FATE  as the sick one, the bad one,the cause of all the family problems.

4  And finally, because those unequivocal statements had the effect of throwing me right back I to the FOG,  having me questioning my sanity yet again. I believe those statements , because they leave no room for another possibility  are downright irresponsible  to those of us who are trying to heal our hearts.

[Harri]

Hi Sparrowffh.  UTBM is a book I love to hate in large part because of those very generalizations that have upset you.  I cringe inside when I read them because according to Lawson, I am BPD.  

Even though I know I really only have a couple of the behaviors on the list to the point where they are interfering with my life, I still get upset and sort of put a haze over part of my mind when I read that part or think about it.  It is a very black and white point of view.  The other thing I use to try to balance her statements and my reaction is to remember that the one thing that will save an all bad child from being BPD is the knowledge they were loved.  I was in another survivors support group and this issue came up and it was discovered that even the unconditional love of a pet could counter balance the lack of unconditional love from a BPD parent.  Did you see the thread here  titled something like "who/what saved you"?  some of us found that acceptance in our own imaginations or from a supportive teacher, etc.  A friend of mine got her validation from her dog.  When she cried, he would sit next to her and lick her tears away.  As a kid, that love and concern saved her.  

As for the all good child not being BPD because only the good parts of the BPD are projected on them, I have to question that conclusion as well.  The all good child will have as much of a problem with developing a sense of self as the all bad child and may in fact have a harder time accepting criticism and challenges faced in the real world.  

So, you are not alone sparrow.  You are living proof that Lawson is over generalizing and is just plain wrong!  

Edited:  sorry, I was so focused on wanting to console you that I forgot to comment about your mother.  You could always just chat with your mom about what you learned.  I think it is wise to not have her read the book.  But you two could spend some time talking about it and then if she wants to read it, she can and may know enough to not let your sister know.     BTW, I am reading surviving the borderline mother for the first time and it seems less black and white and is more focused on working through the issues by having the reader reflect through exercises.  You might want to check that out next if you haven't.  I made the mistake of buying the e-version and wish I had a paper copy to write in.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Thank u Harri for your ,as ever, thoughtful  comments.

Yes, I will give  the  book  more of a chance , but a statement like that tends to make me take less seriously what I read thereafter. But I  know there are some  valuable insights within the book.

on the topic of whether or not a non actually has BPD themselves... .

come on, people (LCSW 's  included) let's distinguish between a freaking horrible case of fleas and real  BPD.

Can we make that distinction? Any insights?

[Harri]

Hi again sparrow.  I did not intend to cut the discussion short about Lawson's book.  I am not sure how helpful my comments were if they caused the convo to end and I do feel bad about that.  I am sorry, that was not my intention. 

I can imagine you must have been disappointed after waiting a while only to come across *that* info.  Listen to your gut.  I was simply offering my take and a way around dismissing the book as a whole.  I am on my second read through of it and I took a look at the chapter again after I posted and sure enough, I still had to remind myself of the things I posted otherwise---> I = :'( 

As for fleas vs traits, in terms of what I have to do to change my behaviors and heal the wounds that causes me to have them, there is no difference and it does not matter what I call them.  I don't want them regardless.

I will be interested to hear how others feel about the distinction between fleas and behaviors/traits.

[Louise7777]

I didnt read the book, but I want to give my 0,02 too.

My mom is not BPD, although I believe her mom was and 2 of her sisters are uBPDs.

Ill tell you my experience and its very similar to yours. Im not a BPD child, so you cant suspect Im biased on this, but Im close enough to witness the dynamics.

This uBPD aunt has 2 daughters, one is clearly the golden child and the other is the escape goat. In my opinion, the golden one is BPD. She has HUGE histrionic traits, her husband was an uNPD (a classic combination). The escape goat has her own issues, but she´s not BPD, imo. Now I think this uBPD cousin is the favourite cause she is so similar to her mom. I really dont know if she was chosen GC and then turned out BPD or the other way around (Im more prone to think the other way around).

Strangely enough, my uBPD cousin is very close to her uBPD mom and our uBPD aunt... .I wouldnt think thats possible, its too much histrionism altogether, but she gets along with BPDs very well... .I get repelled by all that attention-seeking behaviour and Im the one they gang up on sometimes... .

[trees]

I just finished the book too and that part really stuck out at me and triggered my fear that I might be BPD because I def. have a few BPD traits. (esp. because my mom was mostly a Witch, and to a lesser extent a Queen.) I keep hoping they are just fleas because the one thing that is so different between my mom & I is that my emotions are much more regulated. Of course, one of the exceptions is when I'm thinking about traumatic events in my childhood or when my mom is raging at me in my face & I'm in a situation where I can't physically get away (e.g., if it's on the phone, I usually can keep calm); then all the fear/upset/anger comes rushing back.

Lawson also seems a little dismissive of migraines but that might just be me projecting (I've had chronic migraines since I was a little kid); she uses them in her examples of the BPD moms only & I just never quite got the sense that she ever believes that their pain is real or debilitating.

What was also interesting to me is that she doesn't talk about BPD moms who treat kids as both black & white. Maybe they don't and maybe my mom really isn't BPD because that's what happened with my sibling & I. Sometimes I was the good child & my sibling the bad one and then two hours later it would switch.

Now that my mom is older, it takes longer for her to switch; e.g, for the last year or so, my husband has been the good child & my sibling, his spouse and I have all been the bad ones. The funny thing about that is that my mom absolutely despised my husband in the beginning & did everything in her power to try to break us up & ruin our wedding.

[Takehiko]

I just read this book: "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and I finished it at the weekend. The day after I was feeling horrible all day and eventually ended up in floods of tears because I felt that Lawson had me pegged COMPLETELY. (I was the all-good child.) It was so disturbing to have myself described so accurately and have my inner personality basically turned into a pathology. It was honestly terrifying ... .also I didn't want to read the parts about the no-good child, because I didn't really want to feel any more horrible about what my sister must have been and must still be suffering.

I guess the thing is, that any book is going to give generalizations, and that some of them will chime with some of us more than others. I don't think that you should take it as saying for a fact you will be BPD, or one thing or another, and that your sister is one thing or another, everyone is different, instead that it is a kind of guideline, telling you about probable outcomes not definite ones. (Lawson does phrase it in a pretty unequivocal and not very friendly way though, admittedly.) So I just wanted to say: don't worry, a book doesn't know you better than you know yourself. I know it's hard because its so personal but try not to let it eat at you. 

My thoughts on that line: "It is only a matter of time before the borderline's  no-good daughter becomes a borderline mother herself." were "not if she doesn't have any effing kids!" because as far as my family's concerned there's not likely to be another generation.

It's a great book, I don't want to give it back to the library, but it definitely isn't one for when you're feeling fragile.

[caughtnreleased]

I just read this book: "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and I finished it at the weekend. The day after I was feeling horrible all day and eventually ended up in floods of tears because I felt that Lawson had me pegged COMPLETELY. (I was the all-good child.) It was so disturbing to have myself described so accurately and have my inner personality basically turned into a pathology. It was honestly terrifying ... .also I didn't want to read the parts about the no-good child, because I didn't really want to feel any more horrible about what my sister must have been and must still be suffering.

I guess the thing is, that any book is going to give generalizations, and that some of them will chime with some of us more than others. I don't think that you should take it as saying for a fact you will be BPD, or one thing or another, and that your sister is one thing or another, everyone is different, instead that it is a kind of guideline, telling you about probable outcomes not definite ones. (Lawson does phrase it in a pretty unequivocal and not very friendly way though, admittedly.) So I just wanted to say: don't worry, a book doesn't know you better than you know yourself. I know it's hard because its so personal but try not to let it eat at you. 

My thoughts on that line: "It is only a matter of time before the borderline's  no-good daughter becomes a borderline mother herself." were "not if she doesn't have any effing kids!" because as far as my family's concerned there's not likely to be another generation.

It's a great book, I don't want to give it back to the library, but it definitely isn't one for when you're feeling fragile.

Thanks for your insight takehiko.  I was the scapegoat, so technically that should make my sister the golden child... .but somehow, I don't think any of us were the golden child. It's just my sister didn't get the same rages that I was subject to because she didn't confront as often as I did.   It was mostly other people's children who were the golden children, and we were the ugly, disobedient, inferior children... .My sister has told me about being harassed by my mother for what my mother saw as her ugly physical features... .especially her nose, her weight, imperfections on her skin... .etc.

Now my sister is a mom, and I can't seem to find a relationship that is not fraught with BPD or NPD traits.  My sister has all the typical BPD waif attributes... .and possibly married to a BPD type husband... .he has serious attachment issues with his children, and control issues with her.  It's very sad, because I am watching a lot of the pain and sadness that has forever been present in our family slowly be transferred to these two little innocent children who, like all of us, simply want to be loved and cared for.   

[enlighten me]

Life changing book for me, too.  Having continually struggled with the effects of my BPDexW on me, I was only beginning to understand the effects on our children... .

I had my bright and perceptive 17 yo read the few pages on how waifs exaggerate the behaviors of their children to their spouses... .How many times did my ex call me at work and scream about "my son's" abuse, (how many times did she present self-inflicted bruises to our son's headmaster, blaming her own offspring), how many times did she have him arrested, how many times did she say to me, "If you were a real man, you would protect me from him... ." - And after my son read the excerpt, he said, ":)ad, I know mom is borderline - what's the point?"  "The point, son, is that I want to apologize to you one more time for always believing your mother... ."  Fortunately, he had forgiven me long ago.

My brother in law called yesterday, his wife has been receiving phone calls from my ex and her boyfriend with his concern that my son is plotting to kill his mother... .police and attorneys and therapist notified, of course, son is aware and on alert.  That BPDs can recruit sociopaths and other PDs into their web of scams and schemes (even against their own children) is probably underappreciated, but discussed in Lawson's book

My ex wife used to make up things about our sons especially the eldest. The amount of times that Ive told him off for things that he never did broke my heart. After splitting from their mum I realised that she had been lying and I apologised to the boys and they forgave me. I now worry that she is still doing this with her new husband as she says he doesn't get on with them.