My first meeting with therapist tomorrow! Any suggestions?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am meeting with a therapist (PHD, if that means anything) tomorrow, and I am excited and scared. I dont know what to expect from it all. Have been to see a few before, but it was always with my exBPDgf. I went a couple of times after she was diagnosed with BPD, but then had to stop because of exBPDgf. Is there any protocol for this stuff? I feel like I am going in there with all of this figured out. I cant wait to tell her of the revelations that I have had and what I think has been going on in this foggy head. But part of me is thinking that I will walk into a wake up and smell the coffee session. I really dont know if I am the one to blame or my ex. It doesnt really matter because that chapter of my life is over, but I feel it is important to figure out why I got drawn in and stayed for soo long. I am sure I have some issues, but how deep?

[PDQuick]

I am meeting with a therapist (PHD, if that means anything) tomorrow, and I am excited and scared. I dont know what to expect from it all. Have been to see a few before, but it was always with my exBPDgf. I went a couple of times after she was diagnosed with BPD, but then had to stop because of exBPDgf. Is there any protocol for this stuff? I feel like I am going in there with all of this figured out. I cant wait to tell her of the revelations that I have had and what I think has been going on in this foggy head. But part of me is thinking that I will walk into a wake up and smell the coffee session. I really dont know if I am the one to blame or my ex. It doesnt really matter because that chapter of my life is over, but I feel it is important to figure out why I got drawn in and stayed for soo long. I am sure I have some issues, but how deep?

[johnfl]

 BPD,

I have been going to counselling for a long time.  Its good and also a good sign that you have chosen this for yourself.  One thing I know from my experience, it that its important to have someone you are comfortable opening up to, because you will need to.  Not all Therapists are the same.  Also, write down what you want to get out of the experience.  You may also want to do a little family and relationship tree"  Then make a list of some of the behaviors that you see yourself doing that has contributed to the situation...

Most importantly, don't worry too much...it takes a few sessions to really get into things...This is good that you have decided to take this step for yourself.

[PDQuick]

Thanks John! I do appreciate it.

[crazyhorse]

BP Buddy,

You are doing the right thing. Counseling has helped me so much. Your first session might not be that enlightening as the T will be trying to get a picture of who you are. But keep going. In the beginning, I would focus on your feelings, not so much on your ex's behaviors. That will come soon enough. I know you are looking for validation much as I have been.

I get the sense in your posts that you know what you need to do to get on with your life. It is a very postive thing that you want to become more aware of your own issues.

Good luck.

[PDQuick]

Crazyhorse, I dont know you, but feel like we would be friends. I see alot of me in you, and derive strength from you. I feel we will make it through this all. We have alot in common it seems to me, and I want you to know that I appreciate you and thank you for being there for me and, as always buddy, I will be here for you. ( Besides the fact that I have a 16 year old Mare that I know is crazy, everytime I see your name, I think of her)

[crazyhorse]

I feel the same BPBuddy. You are my brother in this recovery. Lets keep the learning and supporting going.

[garyw]

but I feel it is important to figure out why I got drawn in and stayed for soo long. I am sure I have some issues, but how deep?

Thats exactly the right reason to go...exactly.

If you find yourself having a good experience like I did you won't care how deep you have to drill to hit solid ground.

[PDQuick]

Well I hope her drill bit is sharp and her drill's batteries are charged, because I don't ever want to go through what I have endured ever again. Let the drilling commense. Thanks for your kind words.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi yah Dummy...oh that's fun...thanks! :D

One thing jumps out at me.

"I really don't know if I am the one to blame or my ex."

(How y'all highlight that?)

Blame is something that tells me the person doing the blaming has "stuff" to work on.  In relationships you own 100% of what happens. If you weren't there, there wouldn't be anyone to blame.

When I think about the people in my life who do a lot of that, they all have boundary issues.  That being said, I spend a huge chunk of my life with a crazy person, & to be told he was not capable of love & what I was allowed, did not qualify..makes me feel a little saner.

It does help knowing what you want for yourself.  Personally I have trouble with the whole what am I doing with my life, career wise.  I am still administrating a business he will buy me out of...15 years self employed, I don't see myself as an employee, but I still feel like I'm banging my head against a wall...I do know I want to be in love, have met someone I could love forever & as yet, it's not reciprocated, & a new man, who any girl would be a fool not to, but it's just not there (darn if I'll say so today!)...at least I know I can even feel that strongly...Of course I do not want to carry any of the mistakes I made into my future.  They say that is about boundaries & listening to your gut...The T has something to say about all of that...

The PHD means, the person is ambitious enough to want to hang a shingle with the word Doctor on it.  My friend, a nurse, wanted that for herself, but refused to become one of THEM, an MD.

Silas

[PDQuick]

In relationships you own 100% of what happens. If you weren't there, there wouldn't be anyone to blame.

Thank you for the insight, Ill explain the highlighty thing later. I didnt understand this quote initially this morning till after the session with my T. Now it speaks volumes. She enlightened me that I let all of it happen. I permitted it. I was in control of my actions, and I decided to stay and take it. Thats what the issue is here. working on the why I chose not to do something about it and chose to take it is the question to end all questions. We cannot decide, controll, of think for our SO's but we can decide, control, and think about ourselves. I am one messed up individual!   But one on the road out!   and hopefully one day...

[PDQuick]

(How y'all highlight that?

Damn, messed up the highlighty thing...sorry

[Silas Pseudonym]

You get it!  Holy Sh*t Batman that was quick!  Hahaha!

Silas

[Starry]

Check out if he takes Personality Disorders serious. It will save you a lot of time and disappointment. A therapist must really know what the impact is of BPD and how you FEEL.

Good luck,

Star

[PDQuick]

Actually she does, her first experience as a psychiatrist was with a borderline. It frustrated her to the point of no return. Her mentor helped her through it and she became very interested in it. So, she has had quite a bit of experience with them. But as she mentioned, If I am done with the relationship, and I hope that I am, it is more important to focus on me rather than the BPDEXGF.

[johnfl]

BPD...I wanted to give you a high five... /:) for doing what you have done the last few days...Given where you are, you seem to be doing all the right things and have already sought out counselling.  How do you feel this is going to help you?

[PDQuick]

Well John, I dont know how or what it is going to help, but then I dont know why astrophysics works either, but it does. I can only hope that I can get back, as closely as I can, to my former self of years ago, 13 years ago to be exact. There was once a time in my life that I was brimming with confidence, self esteem, amd self assuredness. I knew what I wanted, and I had a plan on how to get there. This was highjacked when I met my ex.

For what ever reason (remember this as it will become relevant, the reason, that is) I lost control of my hopes and dreams, my confidence and self esteem. (Or as my T would have me say, I decided to let them go, as we are ultimately responsible for our own actions). I became enthralled with this woman, this very sick, twisted woman who blindsided me and used me for her own personal gain and agenda in life. She sucked everything out of me, and I mean everything. Fast forward later to a shell of ones former self. A skeleton of what once was a man full of life. A broken, stagnant, lost soul walking down a path to nowhere.

I know that because of a few childhood issues, that I looked to a woman (my mother) for love and acceptance and validation, but because of her traumatic upbringing, she couldnt convey her feelings very well. So I beleive that I sought attention from her by doing things for her. Change the channel on the TV, doing this, cleaning that, and somehow I turned all of this over to my ex. She became the woman in my life, and I became her tool to get things done. Her skills where much more honed to using than my mind was to not trusting. I lacked the knowledge and the skills to stand up for myself, making me the perfect BPD prey. I did what she wanted and tolerated everything she dished out, just to get a little love, validation and caring, or so I thought.

The reason I preluded a little while ago that I want to address is what in me made me feel this was ok to do to me, or me to accept. All of us nons have seen an affair start with our SO that didnt last long because there are people who figure them out and move on. Its us, the ones who are willing to be doormats that stay. This is a flaw in us, not them. We want love, validation, and caring so much that we are willing to compromise our own souls for it. If we werent, we would have left along time ago. This doesnt make us bad, actually, its makes us more tolerable to a relationship. We realize that if we fall in love, its the forever kind, especially if you nurture us.

What I want out of my therapy is my self esteem, my confidence, my pride and the tools to recognize a good woman, and a good relationship, but most of all, I want happiness. With this small wishlist, if I am truly able to acheive it, the woman that I fall in love with, and falls in love with me will be set for the most joyous life I, or her, could ever imagine. Is that too much to want?

[Silas Pseudonym]

Oh D

You know, it feels really good to have someone hear me!  If it was my idea he disagreed! 

You sound like you hit it off with the T.  There was a poster here lately who didn't.  Lucky you.

Silas

[PDQuick]

Silas, I dont understand please elaborate

Oh D

You know, it feels really good to have someone hear me!  If it was my idea he disagreed!

[Silas Pseudonym]

D

You listened to what I had to say & it feels great to hear that.  Haggis is not the only validation junkie here.  ...that is something we should have within ourselves, but I'm the first to admit, I'm damaged & I need the boost!

With the estranged, no matter what I said, he disagreed. 

There were times, I went around him, & he embraced the idea. 

Then this happened... 

Last summer (separated) he borrowed my big horse rig, to move his boat.

He had to have the boat, couldn't ride with me without having a meltdown or getting tossed! hahaha I should have let him walk out, he threatened to often enough,...as I ride away...a bottle, here's some water hun!...see ya!   

Anyway...so he's haulin' the thing a minimum 5 hours, out of a place he can only use it max 3 months out of the year...the lakes freeze & the rest is desert.  I suspected, he was taking his new lady friend, for a week!  This a man whose weirdness, kept him at work, or lied about where he was...took me away alone twice, two times!  & only over night!  in 23 years!  Partner, Mother of his children, love of his life!  He just got back from a ski week with her!   So he's picking up the truck, & I say, "Why don't you look for a place to store the boat up there?  It will be NINE months before you can use it around here.  Maybe you could get back up there in the meantime..."  His neck snapped around 90 degrees... I swear it looked like the exorcist!  Eyes bugged out, mouth open, he said, "That's a good idea, I hadn't thought of that."

If I ever heard that before, it was only once.  I mean it.  Never!

Silas

[johnfl]

BP,

That was very well written out.  You have a good understanding as to what happened, what it was, etc...There's no denial on your part and that is great b'c as you are truly ready, of course you can have that wish list and more. 

You believe that you are worth it...you are going to work on you...I am in a very similar place...similar background...had been with 4 BPD/NPDs over the last dozen or so years...The good thing is that where you are NOW can and will be a very good time in your life full of growth and self-discovery...Here's to it!