After 3 months apart, my ex is getting married!

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Thats right, she is getting married next weekend. I found out about it today. I dont feel anything about it, nothing so far, but wonder whats in store for me. I would appreciate any input on this as I am confused about my indifference.

[PDQuick]

Thats right, she is getting married next weekend. I found out about it today. I dont feel anything about it, nothing so far, but wonder whats in store for me. I would appreciate any input on this as I am confused about my indifference.

[criticalmass06]

wow..., 3 months...your life keeps getting better..

what do you think?

[PDQuick]

I really dont think anything about it. I talked to her tonight, and wished her the best. She wanted to fight, and I refused. I dont know what to, or how to feel. I know it is stupid. I know that it is not a good thing for her. I just dont feel a thing. scared of what I might feel.

[criticalmass06]

I think what you feel is normal

she wanted to fight, or she wanted you to tell her she shouldnt ?

is she palying tag you it ?

[csandra]

Is this the same woman who struck her daughter in anger today ?  Something is really fishy about the timing of this, considering the dinner last night, physical altercation today.  Seems pretty convenient that she would suddenly have news of her engagement.  Why would she wait even 3 months ?  She knows you.  She knows that this would hurt you.

I filed for divorce 10/20/06.  We had lived apart for 10 months though were in counselling as recent as 10/2/06...both saying how much we wanted to have things work out.  On 11/28/06 he purchased diamond ring for woman he had been hooking up with since 9/06.  My daughter found the ring along with a love letter.  He didn't know that I knew about the ring(or that daughter had found it) for at least 3 weeks.

He returned the ring 12/04/06(doesn't look so good, days after having attorney send letter that you will no longer pay the mortgage).  He has since broke up with gf, went on match.com, now has new gf.  We are due to go to mediation in next 2 weeks.

I have definitely had my "poker face on" when I do communicate with him(very LC).  I feel awful.  I feel like damaged goods.  I feel pathetic.  I feel dorky. I would say he doesn't know how I really feel.  We have been together 21 years.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.  You don't deserve it.

[thomaso61]

Fast and furious life of a BPD huh? Your out of sight, out of mind. Strange isn't it. This must be her true soulmate this time PDQ.

Seriously, did you expect anything less of her considering she is BPD? I think you've done your homework as we all have.

On a positive note, she'll be out of your life for now.

Tom

PS um...so much for not posting  

[criticalmass06]

this is your ex- right ? not the women you posted about- M. correct ?

ps

welcome back Tom, where the hell you been ?

[Ave Marina]

Quick,

Please go back and read my response in your other thread where you describe how your ex struck her daughter and drew blood.  You need to read this and take what I say seriously. There are children at stake here.

Ave

[Silas Pseudonym]

You called it!  QUICK!

By the time I got the estranged out of our home I felt I could move on the next day, as he did, more or less.  No one in the wings for me...I am glad he has someone else.  I do look forward to hearing about her getting raged at, but now he still has me for that, since we are still married.

With any luck you will hold on to the detachment.  It is great you did not buy into the squabble (haven't read the other post).

This new woman sounds so promising too, good luck & hopefully the ex will find another to focus on for good.

Silas

[csandra]

Oops, guess my high school speed reading class has failed me yet again.  I see that your ex is getting married within the week.  Now THAT makes more sense coming from one with BPD : :'( :

This new love interest of yours sounds pretty encouraging.  Can I give a little advice ?  I would try to keep her out of the drama for now and forever if possible.  I'd hate to see your loony tunes ex get any more "air" time than she already does.  This might be too much information for new relationship.

I say this because I can't imagine becoming involved with anyone until the drama has died down.  It's natural for someone to want to help/show concern for new love interests.  Let the focus be on getting to know NEW woman, rather than fixating on the ex.  And keep in mind, that you still are vulnerable.  Be PDQuick, be PDstrong, be PDNC.

[eastmeetswest]

Hi PDQ,

I am glad I saw this - I was trying a small hiatus of a couple days while getting my taxes together.  I am sorry PDQ.  I know that somewhere in there it hurts and is confusing.

My thoughts are that when I first heard I was numb and possibly suppressing stuff.  You might be in a bit of shock.  I mean for me, she was crying to everyone but right out the door she hooked up with the love of her life.  In less than a month. She is going home to NY for a meet/greet with Family. 

At first I was numb, but one day my buddy David called and offhandedly said something and I burst into tears.  Like somebody died, sobbing uncontrollably.  I was totally surprised by my reaction and it took me a bit to get over that.

The illness - the big empty - the black hole.  It is so sad.  It is crying out from the moment we are out of sight.  The first dry dock and they rush in. 

I can imagine she called to fight.  Mine sent a nasty email with her trip plans to NY followed by a million calls. (None answered - all deleted)  The motivation?  It is as sad and deep as the illness.

[Peace4us]

PDQ

I want to challenge you on your feelings, with respect to where you are and in favour of  and support of you moving on.

You wrote her a long senstive letter , your confused about her choices, you have spoken to her and her ex husband.(You haven't spoken or contacted her this much in the last 3 months) Your focus has been on her and yet you say you feel nothing.  I do think you are feeling confused and unresolved. You should its only been 3 months. You spent what 13 yrs with her?

She has clearly deep seated issues. She has anger issues and is an inadequate mother. She is running into a marriage with another man who has 3 failed already.  I sense disaster all over it.

I know even though I made the choice to end my marriage, the fact he was "committed" to another woman within the month after 10 yrs together made me feel sick, under valued and immediately replaced like I was nothing to him.

I suspect with the amount of focus you have had on all of this you must be feeling more than you are accepting or acknowledging

Feel it if it's there sweet man.  SO that it can go away forever.

If I am wrong, I will take it all back, but my gut says there is something there P and I want to be a good friend and say, It would be more abnormal that you didn't feel anything, than if you did.  IMHO

(((((PDQUICK)))))))


Peace4us

[criticalmass06]

PDQ, respectively I would concur with Peace, the chain of events could have a delayed reaction/effect with you. I hope for the best in your life.

[Spook120]

PDQ, I too am waiting for that shoe to fall.  Perhaps in some way it will give closure to you, and soon, maybe to myself.  I keep checking the paper for the announcement or that her house is on the market.  I have no idea why as she and the girls already live at his place.  Perhaps I am just a glutton for punishment.  I wish you the best.  I am not sure what my reaction will be.  You at least have the "advantage" of some communication with your ex.  Mine painted me totally black and has not looked back.  I am not sure which of us is the "lucky one".  Listen to Peace, she is a wise lady.  Spook.

[gambaru]

PDQuick -

My view is that right now you are in a combat situation and have at some level decided it is therefore not in your best interest to feel much of anything right now until she is safely down the aisle and out of your life.  I think on some level, you know this.  If you were to switch all the feelings on right now, G-d knows what you might do; beg, stalk, plead, cry, totally humiliate yourself, get into a fight with her "intended"...all manner of unpleasantness.

If so, no worries - the pain will come when you are sturdy enough to bear it and/or when the repercussions of indulging those feelings are less potentially catastrophic.  I agree with Peace that eventually, you'll need to feel it and process it in order to move through and past it.  However, the body has its own wisdom.  Right now may not be the time for you.  Ask your T.  If you go too long in that bizarre sense of numbness, your T. will likely call you on it.  But in my experience, this is the equivalent of physical shock.  It's a temporary protection mechanism.  There's nothing wrong with you.

Trust me, the pain will come.  We'll be here for you when it does.  The pain will also eventually go.  We'll be here for you then, too, to celebrate.

Hugs,

Gam

[lennic]

That is one of the terrible injustices of this disorder...it defines love with heartache and worry..

Even in our detachment we find reasons for both,,in some ironic view of love...

Like Gam says,,we use blame and denial to keep the bad weather outside...but at some point,,when we are better prepared,,we'll open the door and brace for the gale...by then,,often,,it is just a stiff breeze...

Lenny

[PDQuick]

God, I hope not. I have cried too many tears, lost too much sleep, and agonized too many days over this useless excuse of a functioning mass of flesh and blood. I grow tired of the pain, confusion, hate and discontent. I am sick of the emptyness inside of myself, longing for an answer, or closure, or something that I am really not sure of. What I want, no, what I need, is to be done with it all, chapter closed. I cant seem to put that book down, and hope that it comes with the impending marriage. I dont know guys, I dont want her, dont want to be with her, dont like her, and am not in love with her, but I feel her. I feel her very presence inside of me. I am looking for her in every turn of my head, with every blink of my eye, with every breath I take. I sense her with me, in very close proximity, yet cant see her. I just dont know...I cant put my finger on it. I cant put my finger on this feeling, this pain. Deep down gam, I know you are right, I am fooling myself right now. I couldnt logically not care, as it is not my nature. It is a front, the kind that I hated in her. Is this sane, or insanity manifested in my very soul? When will the answers come out and show themselves. When will it be time for my understanding, not me understanding everyone else? Is my day in the sun going to be a moment in the rain? Or will this uncertainty live on forever. I wish the walls would fall and let me feel one legitimate emotion as it happens, not hide away, waiting for a convenient time to not hurt anyone! What is it? Why is it? Can I not acheive a peace in this moment in time?

[Peace4us]

PDQ

I was afraid of that.  Oh dear.  You have a right to feel this way. It sucks to see you hurt, but I understand it. The mind and the heart are not always in sync. You will get thru this P, I swear you will. You are strong, sweet and so darn smart.

Hang in there. I do think the next week will be a trial of emotions, just let it roll, don't suppress it,   but also do not dwell.  Be gentle with yourself and do something nice for you.  It time for a time out of the insanity and you deserve a break.

I know you can get thru this, and at the end you are going to be stronger and wiser. You are not alone.

Peace4us

[pizaluvr]

PDQ,

I started reading a book by Dr. Zev Wanderer called "Letting Go."

It is a 12 week program to overcome a broken heart.

I focused on my ex's disorder so much that I forgot my heart was broken.

Focus on your broken heart, live through it, grieve.

The book is cool, it's got some humor in it, it has helped me.

Your ex's crime was not that she loves someone else, it's what she did to YOU.

Hang in there!

pizaluvr

[gambaru]

I think it's an internal battle called "acceptance".

Sucks, I know.

It won't kill you, my friend.  It'll just make you wish it would.  But it won't.  And there's sanity and serenity on the other side of it.  One day at a time.  It's going to be OK.  The answers are on their way, they don't all have to be there today, though, okay?  But they will come.  They will.

[eastmeetswest]

Try to let it rest.  When it is time it will happen.  Remember in sports whenever you force it, it never happens. 

[JoannaK]

PDQ, it takes time.  And you are still involved with her mentally, especially since you really want a relationship with her daughters. 

But it's only been a few weeks...  and you were with her for 13 years.  You are so used to her and her drama, that it is normal that you are still working through this.  Be gentle with yourself.   

[Silas Pseudonym]

Sheesh!

Joanna!  Have you had your coffee yet?  He doesn't "want" a relationship with the daughters.

PDQ YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER DAUGHTERS!

Just because you never married, you are the only FATHER they have known.  At this age, that will never change.  The elder is an adult, the younger nearly one.  No man will ever mean as much until they find the ones they want to spend their lives with.

A Father has a huge influence on a young woman.  Without that relationship...well that's a whole other thread.  When you add the fact the Mother is a disordered wreck, your influence on their lives is part of who they are, EVEN IF YOU DID DROP OFF THE PLANET THIS SECOND.

Being in a similar situation at this time in MY life, I think much of the ambivalence you feel, is wrapped up in trying to maintain any position in their lives without becoming more enmeshed in hers. 

You are grieving, not just for the relationship, but that lost status as Father.  You have lost that aspect of your identity (but really not, buck up!).  Perhaps the girls will put that in words if you ask.  Grief has it's stages, one not often mentioned is Limbo.  You may have felt that, if there were ideas of reconciliation, but also that knowledge (or lack) the fatherhood was never legalized, was also a type of limbo.  You even went as far as trying to adopt, without marrying her.

As a Father, you have to disapprove of the exes' behavior.  The speed of the courtship & marriage, the secrecy, & apparent desire on her part to hurt you.  She is marrying for the wrong reasons.  You see what a silly example she is being for YOUR children & it hurts.  Not so much her at all.  It is about the girls!

I want to say there is a man (& I have mixed feelings about him, but this is his good side).  He lived with a woman 16 years.  He had a son, & she had 3, they had one more together.  For 15 of those years they "lived" together, the last they married.  Divorced in a year.  (He did hook up with a girlfriend of mine in 6mo, too soon.)  Those young men, the 3 Stepsons, still consider him Father & show up on many holidays.  All are adults, & I think finally bringing Grandkids into the mix.  One of the stepsons was killed a few years ago (motorcycle), he grieved as any Father would have...

Your status as their Father will not end, it may evolve.  I have no doubt they will continue to be part of their lives.  When you find out WHAT you are feeling, you may find it is more about THEM than HER. 

Silas

[PDQuick]

Silas, I think you read something wrong. I DO want to be their father. For all intents and practical purposes, I AM their father. And yes, this is all about them. I stayed in that hell hole because I wanted to be the halfway sane person in their lives. Momma, is NOT a good influence. I have tried since we got custody, to minimize their exposure to it, but she flaunts it around like its ok. I am saddened because now the youngest has two looney tunes she is living with, and I am cut off completely! I cant even call her because her mom will have me locked up. I stayed because of them, I hurt because of them, I love them both, and I worry constantly about the youngest. It is about them, only I see that here though! And it is maddening as hell.

Its my ex that I dont want a relationship with. I want my kids!

[Peace4us]

PDQ

I can appreciate the hurt and pain of this. My SO is a widower.  His former partner died of lung cancer.  He was a step dad to two kids, a son and a daughter. When his finace died, her family in their grief went crazy a bit and wanted all of her assets. They of course were combined with his.  Imagine the day after the funeral, her family came and expected the house to go up for sale by the end of the week and to clear our the bank accounts.  They came and picked thru the house taking things and looking thru the drawers and stuff.  He had just lost the woman he considered a wife and they did not give him a moment to breath and or grieve. He shut them out and asked for some respect. The next day they had a lawyer and started proceedings.  It was worse than a divorce and thru it they made him a bad guy who was witholding funds from these kids ( 16 and 21 by the way, not babies).  The kids wanted nothing to do with him, not even a card.  The daughter was coming to get my SO's and his wifes dog even, he was losing everything.  Then she never came for the dog after all cause she was told by her dad she'd have to take care of it. He had years of memories and stuff ripped out of his hands with no regard.  Had he not had insurance, he would have walked away with nothing.  He took a leave of absence to  be able to fight the court case and lost his job in the meantime. In 3 months he lost everything.  And some of her bills he has paid off in good faith and they took those things too. He gave them more than half of everything and then had to pay the legal fees too, which used up his money.

The unregistered step dad has no rights, but so much emotionally invested.  I have written documentation that protects him now in our case and he has risked getting close to my kids despite this whole scenario. My kids are now his kids and they call him dad most of the time. They have now lived with him more than their father.

I feel for you and wanted you to know I have first hand knowledge of the pain you are feeling for missing the kids.

Peace4us

[PDQuick]

Bless you Peace for respecting him enough to realize his emotional investment in it all. I look upon you with new eyes. It is terrible the steps a scorn woman will take to hurt a loving man who cares selflessly. I am a good, loving honest man. I have been used up, discarded, and left to rot by ex. Most any woman with children would love to find a man like me, because I am capable of loving kids, other than my own. I do not have children yet, but hope I do in the future. If my future SO, or wife has children now, and we have a child, I would challenge you to tell the difference. I have not been the best father. I have done some things I am ashamed of, but the difference is, I havent done these things in their vision, and I did what was best for them, not me. Not unlike the ex BPD. Children are a blessing, not a curse. They should be taught right from wrong by way of example, not by recourse. I have learned alot from this "woman" and it all has to do with what not to do!

[PDQuick]

Silas, after reading your post again, YOU ARE DEAD ON! Im sorry, but the second reading was way different than the first. My brain is foggy right now. I am their dad, and I do love them, and the Limbo that you are talking about is exactly what I have been in for years! I can most likely let that go now, and move on with my life. I hear what you are saying, and it sounds so good to me right now. Thank you.