Toxic Parents - Susan Forward, PhD

[BlueCat]

I liked it so much because it spelled out that abuse is not a contest, and it doesn't matter if someone else had it worse - abuse is abuse.

My whole life my mother told me (and I believed) that since her childhood was worse than mine, I didn't have anything to complain about. So apparently the reason I was struggling with depression for decades was because I was a whiny little brat.

Toxic Parents really drove home that it doesn't matter how someone else was treated. Were you hurt, yes or no? If the answer is yes, then that's all that matters.

And the book was also clear that emotional and verbal abuse counts too. I got very little physical abuse in my childhood so again, I was made to believe I was just whining and over reacting ("too sensitive" to be hurt by the constant emotional abuse I put up with.

So for those still telling themselves that it wasn't that bad, that they are over reacting, those still stuck believing that they are the problem for being "too sensitive" - those people can really get a lot out of this book.

For confronting - I didn't follow her advice there either. I get her point though. I think if someone has never confronted their parent then even just writing a letter and not sending it will help (I still do that sometimes). But at that time in my life I had directly confronted my mother many, many times and I no longer felt it would benefit me (though, when I finally decided I didn't want her in my life anymore, I did send her a letter spelling some stuff out so I guess I did do it again).

The author is clear that you will almost definitely not get a wonderful, after school special reaction. She said it's the minority who step up to their responsibility and apologize, but that's not the point. The point is to feel that you stood up to your abusers and told them that you remember, or that you will no longer let them hurt you (if it's ongoing). It's an empowerment thing really.

But even if you don't get anything from that part, the overall book is just amazingly validating.

[P.F.Change]

I liked it so much because it spelled out that abuse is not a contest, and it doesn't matter if someone else had it worse - abuse is abuse.

That is such a good point. I think frequently people minimize their abuse as a means of denial. We have to be able to recognize that what we went through was in fact abuse if we are ever going to heal.

[sandpiper]

I liked it so much because it spelled out that abuse is not a contest, and it doesn't matter if someone else had it worse - abuse is abuse.

Thanks bluecat.

That's a really good point. Sadly, I think that discounting, minimizing, and turning everything into a competition or an opportunity for victimhood or one-upmanship is just part of the toxic air we breathe inside these families.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD in my early 20s, my T encouraged me to tell my sisters about my diagnosis and to share her opinion that as I'd been so badly damaged by my experiences with FOO it was possible that they too had sustained some emotional injuries and it might be helpful for them to talk to a T.

Evilsis's response to this was to wail 'How come YOU'VE got PTSD? we had it so much worse than you, and WE'RE alright.'   

This from the woman who's relationship was disintegrating because she wanted children and her spouse felt that she was too emotionally volatile to cope with the demands of motherhood (smart man- he has no idea how lucky he was to get kicked out on the junk heap) and who, once she drove him away, would ring me in the middle of the night announcing that she was going to commit suicide.

Ensis, when I shared my diagnosis with her, became so enraged that she pursed her lips, left the room, ignored me for several hours and when she reappeared, she changed the topic, acted like what I'd said had never happened, and expected me to follow her lead.

Clearly she was experiencing the exact same reaction as crazy Evilsis but wasn't equal to the task of expressing herself in any other way than Silent Rage.

Thanks for starting this thread - I am starting to feel like I should read Toxic Parents again and I should definitely add it to my collection. It's good to reread things from time to time. I always get more out of it on the re-reading, and I think when I first went on my BPD knowledge scavenger hunt, I was probably still very emotional about the discovery & now that my psyche is less frazzled I'd probably get a whole lot more out of it. 

[ShadesofGray]

Has anyone else here read Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward?

It was the first book I read that really helped me deal with issues. I highly recommend it. It's not specific to BPD but it's still excellent.

I read this book about 12-15 years ago. It was the very first self-help book I ever read, and one of the most influential, other than Surviving a Borderline Parent, and Understanding the Borderline Mother. I saw my parents in almost every single page. It's what really helped me on my journey toward healing from all the pain... .

[red_fox]

It was one of hte first books I bought to help me start healing from my toxic upbringing. It covers many bases, many different types of toxic parents (BPD and NPD parents in there, definitely) and I highly recommend it to EVERYONE.

[gotbushels]

Generally outstanding.

I found it a good way to explore things I suspected about my life after handling a upwBPDSO. It allowed me to connect issues from the relationship to other important and chronic issues in my life. It was comforting to see informed opinions that are consistent with things I thought about but wouldn't ever have come up in a discussion outside of a P or T's session.

I gained a much greater appreciation and respect for some Ps and Ts in this area of family work.

Liberating. Insightful and practical.