Toxic Parents - Susan Forward, PhD

[Skip]

Toxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life Author: Susan Forward, PhD Publisher: Bantam; Reissue edition (September 1, 1990) Paperback: 336 pages ISBN-10: 0553284347 ISBN-13: 978-0553381405

Book Description
This book was #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List in 1991 and has sold over 1 million copies. Toxic Parents is a great resource for anyone who is suffering abuse at the hands of a parent.  It is about learning to recognize family incidents in our lives that adversely affect our behavior and our emotional well-being.  Toxic Parents explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional family in a very easy-to-read format. The types of toxic parents the are discussed include inadequate parents, controllers, alcoholics, verbal, physical, and sexual abusers, as well as the family system and why parents behave this way.  It will also confirm that many of your emotional habits, such as letting people walk all over you, or not standing up to others because you don't want to make them angry, are because of the way you grew up.

A short coming of this book is that it lumps so many kinds of abuse into one book that you don't get advice for how to deal with the specific type(s) of abuse that you experienced. It also doesn't give the reader any tools. Yes, it validates that you were abused, but it doesn't talk about how to move yourself forward.  This book will probably not make you feel better about your past or help you with the difficult issues in your life - you will need another resource for that.

As with other "self-help" books of this era (20 years ago), Toxic Parents places the blame on others for one's unhappiness and self-destructive behavior. Some criticize this book as a way out for people that are unwilling to accept that they are responsible for their own actions.  More contemporary thinking is that, while we are the products of or environment, we are also fully responsible for our own actions.

Lastly, the book recommends that you confront your abuser.  Caution is urged - this is not sound advice in all cases.

About the Author
Susan Forward, Ph.D. earned her master's degree in Psychiatric Social Work at University of Southern California.  She then went on to earn her license as a Clinical Social Worker and later her Ph.D. in Psychology.  Forward also hosted her own ABC talk radio program.  She two mega-books,  Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, kept her at the top of the major bestseller lists for 44 consecutive weeks. Toxic Parents was her follow-up. In addition to her private practice, Susan has served as a therapist, consultant or instructor for several Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities.

[Almost_Nobody]

My review on this book : EXCELLENT ++

If you have encountered a  BPD /NPD /Incestous/Incomplete/Nonavailable/ Toxic parent in your childhood you have many things to repair in your personality.  A must read for those who encounter these parents.

Many people in this board ask this type of question.
                        
"My mother did not allow me to go to college as she was an undergraduate. Is it a BPD thing?"  

A simple answer is  - this is PARENTAL ENVY and not an essential symptom of  BPD, and may even be present in a parent who does not have BPD.

PART 1
Godlike parents
Inadequate parents
Why cant they live my own life
Alcoholoic Parent
Verbal Abuser
Physical abuser
Family system Why they behave this way
PART 2 RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE
DONT HAVE to forgive
Im grown up why dont i feel
the begining of self definition
Whos really responsible
Confrontaion road to independence
Healing Incest Wound
Breaking the cycle
Epilogue Letting go of the struggle
Suggested reading

Here is a checklist from page 9:
IS YOUR ADULT LIFE IS LIKE THE FOLLOWING
1.Do you find yourself in destructive relationship?
2.Do you believe if you get too close to someone they will hurt you or abandon you?
3.Do you expect the worst frm people?
4.Do you have a hard time knowing sho you are?
5.Are you afraid that if people know the real you they wouldnot like you?
6.Do you feel anxious when youre successful and frightened that someone will find you as a fraud?
7.Do you feel angry for no reason?
8.Are you a perfectionist?
9.Is it difficult for you to relax of have good time?
10. Despite your best intentions do you find yourself behaving like your parents?

[Randi Kreger]

The book The Dance of Anger really changed my life and is the basis of a lot of the stuff in both Eggshells book.If you have a BPD mother, Toxic Parents is a MUST.

[dr j]

I agree that this book is amazing. It gave me the courage and the tools to confront my mom in therapy.

[fugi-girl]

I's one of the many books in my library.  Very very worthwhile.

C

[Coraline.]

Though it doesn't directly touch on BPD this is a general book about toxic parents ranging anywhere from abuse, alcoholism, controllers, etc. It focuses a lot on being able to detach yourself from the parent, and understanding just what a toxic parent is. I found it a huge help for me and recommend it to others with BPD Parents

[MotherSpirit]

Just finished it.  I couldn't put it down (except when I had to :P ).  I found it so helpful, so enlightening, so interesting and so validating, that I want to get myself a copy (I borrowed it from the library) and one for everyone I know with a toxic parent.  A lot of what she wrote rang true for me and the things that didn't scared me into realizing how much therapy I still need, how much healing I still need to do and how hard it is going to be to do the work that needs to be done and say the things that need to be said.

What I really liked was how she broke everything down into chapters of controlling, manipulation, verbal, physical and sexual abuse and then into the healing process of how you can finally regain peace.  I love how she explained the psychology of the toxic parents way of acting and how and why the toxic family responds to keep the "toxic balance".  I also came out of it feeling like I don't NEED that diagnosis of BPD anymore and whether my parents have any mental illnesses doesn't change the fact that they are responsible for what they did.  It does of course help to explain WHY they act the way they do and why they won't seek the help they need, but it seems she's seen a lot of toxic parents in her days and never pointed out that they probably had a mental illness that prevented them from getting help or from acting like healthy, normal parents.

Great book!  I now wish I had bought it from the used book store when I had the chance!

[Coraline.]

the only thing i disagree with in this is that it suggests strongly that you must confront the parents. With a parent with BPD that generally wont work in your favour and I doubt most of us would gain confidence from the experience as the book suggests

[serenityNOW09]

I read this book and it definatley helped open the door to realizing that something was going on and it wasn't necessarily me!  Good book to read

[kelly]

I think the book was excellent.  Although confronting the BPDm is not going to change them (she states this in the book) it can lead to healing for the person that finally confronts them after keeping quiet for years.   

Kelly

[Waiting to Exhale]

So I've read "Will I ever be good enough" and now I'm reading Toxic Parents.  Both these books have made me feel like someone was writing my entire life story.  I can relate so much to a lot of the stories in Toxic Parents.  I am just confused as to how my parents can be both controlling AND emotionally vacant.  As well as throwing in the normal handful of verbal onslaught.  It's almost like my mom and dad have used this book as a guide book on how to be the parents they are.  It's hard processing all of these things because I'm still not sure whether mom's BPD or NPD or whatever.  Not sure about dad, codependent or pd'd himself.  I've blocked them both from calling me but I'm wracked with the guilt of "what if something does happen, do I really want to last thing my mom heard me say be that I don't care to speak with her?"  I'm sure it could be worse... I've told her I hated her a few times, but I'm not even sure if it's hate or disgust or just anger.  I haven't been able to figure out my emotions.  I know right now that I don't feel like I hate her or dad, just sick of the games and feeling like crap all the time.  I can't be perfect, I can't keep tiptoeing around on eggshells afraid that everything is going to be blamed on me.  If someone gets sick it's my fault because I'm fighting or disagreeing or whatever.  If things where normal they wouldn't feel the need to blame anyone.  I'm not the reason why moms sad or depressed or anything.  Reading the book I read one line where the person quoted his father saying "You're killing your mother." and it made me think about my family and how they both say that I'm killing them. 

[MotherSpirit]

That book really hit home for me and I saw "Will I ever be good enough" (actually a friend saw it first and pointed it out to me!) and have wanted to get it to read it as well (hoping I'll find it at the used book store ).

It really is mind boggling how people can be the way they are.  I especially appreciated the book when had the piece about "but they had rotten lives, too.  They didn't know any better." to which Susan replies something along the lines of "Would you treat your daughter like that?"

It was SOO validating to me and really brought me out of this "but maybe it IS me... .look at everyone else, they don't seem to be suffering the same way". 

Like you, I'm sure my mom is either NPD or BPD or both but am not sure about my father.  His abuse was more overt and he was always the bad guy, but he doesn't have the insane manipulation that my mother has and he's never attacked my character or MADE THINGS UP like my mother has.

*hugs* to you! I actually emailed Susan Forward to ask her if she hears from her clients and how they are doing.  She says most are doing very well, send her cards of thanks and some even come in for "tune-ups" every once in a while.  So, there's some good news for us!

[BlueCat]

Toxic Parents was the first book I read, before I even found this board or the concept of PD. It really helped me. I was shocked at how much I recognized in that book. It was after reading it that I stopped denying that I had been abused as a child.

I've got Will I Ever Be Good Enough from the library but first I'm reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Quite the eye opener. I no longer have any doubt that mom is BPD. The first section describes BPD and it's like they know my mother.

Sorry about your dad 

[Rbrdkyst4]

Toxic Parents was my first read as well, right beside going through the SWOE workbook. It was stunning how accurately it described uBPDm! It was a horrible thought!

It's been tough. Recently came to a decision that I would for all purposes consider my uBPDm "dead" and that all or at least 99% of all communications will be to my enDad, since uBPDm hear about it anyways through him.

I'm definitely going to read Understanding the Borderline Mother, but ultimately I want something that tells me how to deal with her. Tired of understanding how screwed up she is and how her toxic influence has messed me and those around me, up.

I'm living my life the way I want to live.

[Silver08]

This was my first book also.  It really opened my eyes and snapped me out of denial about my uBPD mom.

[MotherSpirit]

Guess what book I found at the used book store today - Toxic in-laws: Loving strategies for protecting your marriage!  Yes, it is also by Susan Forward and it looks like it's great for those dealing with an in-law with (or without) BPD (or to give your spouses if your relative is the BP).  I have half a mind to send it to my SIL, but she is too enmeshed with my bro and his denial (I think) that I think she might find it offensive - like how dare I send her a book calling my mother toxic! Surely that won't help either of our relationships with her (yes I think she still feels she and/or my bro can "make things better".

For those interested, here's her checklist:

Do your in-laws:

1. Have a cold or volatile relationship with each other? (my parents do, yes!)

2. Fight a great deal?

3. Drink excessively or abuse drugs?

4. If widowed or divorced, resist making a new life for themselves and expect your partner to be surrogate spouse?

5. Regularly turn to your partner to meet their needs?

6. Regularly set up situations in which your partner is forced to choose between your needs and theirs?

7. Regularly criticize one or both of you (yes, both Bro and SIL have told me this)

8. Make derogatory commensts about your appearance, work, political, or religious beliefs, or things and people that are important to you (mom has criticized SIL for going back to work, for treating her parents better than her, etc)

9. Bribe you and your partner to get what they want?

10. Consistently try to make you and/or your partner feel guilty if you say "no" to them?

11. Consistently give unsolicited advice? (for everyone!)

[Ngonz]

"Toxic Parents" was the first book I read before I even knew that my parents are BPD.  I make all kind of notation in it.  It really was about my life, too.  I sent a copy to my sister, who also recognized our parents in it.  It was an extremely helpful book.  I also recommend "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me."

[bunnylake]

It was the first book I read that really helped me deal with issues. I highly recommend it. It's not specific to BPD but it's still excellent.

[Clearmind]

bunnylake, I haven't read it. I think I will though - thanks for that.

I am curious what you learn that helped you?

[P.F.Change]

I did read it quite a while back and remember liking it a lot. At the moment though, I can't remember details. She also wrote Emotional Blackmail--also good.

[sandpiper]

Slightly diverging from the topic, I read & bought 'toxic in-laws' first and it really helped me to deal with why my MIL did the things she did and why FIL went along with her (anything for peace, basically - meaning so long as she was targeting someone else, she wouldn't target him).

I got 'toxic parents' out of the library so I can't remember a lot about it - just that the author was spot on about the motives of the FOO and she had her finger on the pulse as to how our families operated. She used a lot of examples of foul behaviour that you commonly find on the threads here. She's met our parents, that's for sure.

I have the Toxic In-laws book here & I can tell you that she divided the dysfunctional FOO into categories:

* Critics

* Engulfers

* Controllers

* Masters of Chaos

* Rejectors

(All of the above, if you have a BPD parent!  )

She then posted chapters on explaining why they do what they do, and on strategies such as how to shift our focus (i.e. get yourself out of the triangle) and how to enlist your spouse as an ally. I found it really useful.

My parents are dead so I didn't feel the need to buy the book - for me it was one of those 'Aha, that's why they did X & Y' things.

If they were still alive, trust me, it would be a valued and much thumbed addition to my collection.

[bluecup11]

I read it - very validating! It was a few years ago  but I think it even has suggested no contact text.

[Sara M]

Yes, I have read it.

Excellent book and I highly recommend it.

Even though I have a disordered sis, the book gave me lots of insight.

[BlueCat]

Me too. It was the first book I read when I finally realized how hurtful my mother's behavior was to me. It was the first book that made me finally accept and admit my childhood was actually abusive. It's my number one recommendation for anyone who has problems with a parent's behavior - whether they are BPD, alcoholic, whatever.

[Sir5r]

BPDw read it, I'll have to ask her... .

Sir5r

[Invisigirl]

I thought this book was incredibly validating; the only thing I did not like was the author's insistence that in order to heal, the adult child MUST confront the parent(s) with a detailed list of wrongdoings, and the no contact letter/conversation examples in the book all follow that standard. That may work for many people, but not everyone. As I've learned the last couple of weeks, revealing all your past hurts may just give your parents more ammunition to hurt you in the long run. Sometimes it's best to just tell them you're leaving the family, and be done with it.

Otherwise, two thumbs up  ... .even though the little smiley face guy only does one thumb up... .oh well!

[bunnylake]

Yes, it's a great book. I had a feeling a lot of you may have read it. It's SO validating and covers all kinds of abuse and scenarios. That was the book that first suggested that one doesn't have to forgive in order to heal and move on, which for me was very empowering. For those of you who haven't read it - please check it out. It's not too wordy, an easy read.

[Penguinectomy]

I thought this book was incredibly validating; the only thing I did not like was the author's insistence that in order to heal, the adult child MUST confront the parent(s) with a detailed list of wrongdoings, and the no contact letter/conversation examples in the book all follow that standard. That may work for many people, but not everyone. As I've learned the last couple of weeks, revealing all your past hurts may just give your parents more ammunition to hurt you in the long run. Sometimes it's best to just tell them you're leaving the family, and be done with it.

The way I've always interpreted that (and I don't remember exactly how the book puts it, so maybe this is mental gymnastics) is that writing out the detailed list of wrongdoing was the important part, and calling them to task about it EVEN IF ONLY on a piece of paper that you never send.  The drafting of the letter can be very healing, even if you never send it.

[Sara M]

; the only thing I did not like was the author's insistence that in order to heal, the adult child MUST confront the parent(s) with a detailed list of wrongdoings, and the no contact letter/conversation examples in the book all follow that standard.

I agree, I don't think it is necessary to write the no contact letter.

[gypsychild]

Just finished it. It was a way easy and fast read. I would recomend it because so far it had the most 'in the solution' section with almost the whole last half being dedicated to working through and growing from your past and your negative familial relationships. More than other books I have read (so far)

The thing I like best was the qoutes and conversation examples and the difference of RESPONDING not REACTING.

Other gems:

"You must be prepared to significantly change your relationship with your parents, or even to sacrifice it."

(non-defensive statements)

"I'm willing to talk about your anger, but I'm not going to let you yell or insult me."

"I'll come back and talk about this when you're calmer"

"I'm sorry your upset'

My part of the crazy was letting my fuse get lit, responding to her antics. Its frustrating because a normal reaction of anger, sadness,, frustration, or self defense is only construed as an attack to be met with hostility, lies, and sometimes violence. Even the above non-defensive statements are met with the crazy. There is no winning or fixing, there can only be you keeping your side of the street clean, and taking care of yourself.

I also am not convinced about the absolute need for confrontation to heal. I do see her point, Im just not convinced that her version of a confrontation is what would be appropraite in all cases.

I cant afford therapy so I'm reading my lil butt off trying to make progress on my own untill I can afford it.