Lonely and Missing Her

[WoundHealer]

So it's just about a month NC for me. I've been doing alright but it's been hard because on top of that other stuff has been going on too. Anyway tonight I kept very busy, did a lot of cleaning and organizing and now I'm just done with that for now and sitting here. And then it hit me. I could feel it underneath the whole time but I was blocking it out by focusing on other things. But when I stopped and just let myself be still I realize how badly I miss her.

It's really the little things. And it happens a lot of times when things are going well. Everything else is in place and going ok and that's when I miss just having her to call and say hi to and talk sweetly to. And then I just have such a feeling of wanting to tell her how much I miss her. It's that inner child. I won't let myself contact her and I assume it would make no difference. But that inner child wants to tell her so bad.

It's like when mom is out of town and the kid wants to talk to her so bad. So dad will say "Let's write mommy a letter." And the kid feels better knowing mommy will see him and there will be some connection. I guess that's how it feels. The inner child wants her to know he's there and to know that there is some connection cause it feels like a death. It feels so unnatural for someone to be so intimate and close and then just gone overnight as if they left the face of the earth.

I don't really know what else to do with these feelings but pour them out here. It's just so lonely and empty. It doesn't help that the other people closest to me are mostly BPD or N too so they aren't going to have any sympathy. So it's just me and these awful feelings and everyone I would most want to turn to for support only makes it worse.

What a lonely night. I miss her so much

[Riprock]

I missed the sex, all the other chaos, I don't miss at all.

[another_guyD]

You will proceed through many stages wounded,

You will reach a point that you will ask why in the he! did I miss her.

I hate her. etc

It is lonely at first.

[TonyC]

id love to tell you something... heart warming but i cant...

there is going to be pain...and thoughts... and your gonna stumble on a momento,. hear a song...

dont hold it back cry it out...thats all you can do...

youve been doing the best thing you can do ... stay busy...

but im sure your not missing all the drama.. and the rest of the sht...

every day it gets better...

di you clean the garage ,yet, repaint the living room... thats what i did...

and most dont approve..of my way of dealing with it...but i dated...

just for company... and to shift my brain...

family is good too... hang out with a brother or sister,maybe even that cousin you

rarely call... use em all ... maybe get back in the family you probably pulled back from..

tony

[mtn]

Yep...these are pretty normal feelings.  The loneliness is probably the number one motivator for re-engaging.

What helped me was thinking about why missed her.  But deeper than just her.  Was it the sex?  The validation?  What needs did she supply?  So...really, it wasn't exactly her I missed.  The laundry list of what I didn't like about her and her behaviors is long.  The next step (and Im in this step and will be for the rest of my life) is to find healthier ways of meeting my needs.

WH...I think you are in a vulnerable position.  Think positive and be courageous.  There are many good people out there.  There are so many better options and decisions you can make than returning to that toxic relationship.  Recognize that it will take time to heal.  It will take time for those memories, good and bad, to fade.  The constructive decisions and work you do now can pay off with happiness in the future.

take care dude.

[nomoredrama]

I completely feel what you are going through!  I cry over the stupidest things.  The worst part for me is that I work with him!  It makes me sick, not going into his classroom to say hi or to see how his day went. I'm starting to tear up just thinking about it.  It's going on 3 weeks of NC.  I have written him letters, notes, given him cards, called more than I should. I have two good days of being strong, then wham I just have to let him know I'm still here.    The worst part is that I have no idea what I did!  He said that I should know! WTH!  This is the longest NC that we have been through.  Most last a week or so.  We start by talking at school, then i call him and we are back to normal.  Not so much this time!

I know what's it like to feel so lonely.  My friends are sick of hearing it too.

[pianolady]

Dearest WH,

Can I send you a hug?

Seriously,What you express is the most painful part of what I am going through. And yes it happens many times when things are going well.

What makes you assume it will make no difference? Is it your NC or your BPD's or both?

Hugs and lots of them.

Pianolady    :-*

[WoundHealer]

Thanks all. The hard part for me is I'm not new to this. I've been here before many times. I know the process. I know eventually it will pass. But what's happened for me is it passes and then eventually the same thing happens. Why? I think because there is some trauma underneath that I can't figure out to heal that makes these relationships so comfortable. Only those with trauma of their own can really relate to mine so it feels comfortable with people like this. And yes I've done therapy and lots else. I've peeled away many layers, but that deep trauma still keeps me in touch with the tragedy of these situations. And really they are tragic regardless. Even if I never talk to her or any of the others again, it's still tragic the way the abuse makes us incapable of lasting connetions with so many people. And as for turning to family, there is plenty of personality disorder there too so that's not much refuge at all. It's a very lonely sad place.

All the coping mechanisms are useful in their place. But at some point some of us just remain aware that the whole thing is really tragic. It ruins lives, it is all over the place in our society. There is so much missed and lost because of all the abuse that goes on.

[Appalachian]

One for the love who chose to betray me,

a real fine love who wouldn't be true,

One for the man that she betrayed with,

nice enough fella, she'll betray him too.

Nice enough fella, she'll betray him too.

I sing that a lot, just gotta remember that.  We'll recover, just can't let it happen to us again.

[WoundHealer]

Only problem is, through some miracle, all of them are still with the latest person for a long time now! It's almost as if I shake them up so much because I call them on everything that after they leave, the next relationship works. We never know what happens behind closed doors, but it's really confusing when there are several of them and they are all in lasting relationships after me when with me they were gone in a matter of months.

[Appalachian]

Hah, true, that can be confusing, but I assure you, in a relationship with a BPD, their leaving has nothing to do with you.  In fact, none of the relationship had anything to do with you.

Try thinking about when you're on your deathbed, or when your health starts declining late in life.  Would she have been there for you?  Is she even capable of being there for anyone?

[WoundHealer]

I disagree. I think when they are with someone who understands BPD and is actually calling them on their behaviors, they are a lot more likely to leave than in some other situations. If we think of them as constantly wanting supply, they are a lot more comfortable with someone who they are sure they can constantly get supply from. When someone sees through them, they know that it is riskier.

[TonyC]

well ususally when the non has been enlightened... they look at things a little differntly.. and dont accept things as easily as before...

and that changes the realtionhship for both...

and the non who is up on BPD...expects the BPD to change ...and some do , most dont...

[Appalachian]

I do think they can be driven away, but not by anything other than respecting yourself enough to stand up and ask questions about their behavior.

[WoundHealer]

Well that's what I do And then some.

[JoannaK]

Wound Healer, you don't know what those relationships are like.  I stayed with my exh for 20 years.  The gf he dumped just before he met me might have thought the same thing...   what did she do and why did he stick with me?  Well, I probably was more tolerant than she was in some basic O.K. way, but that wasn't it...   I also tolerated a lot of crap (never any cheating or physical abuse).  She probably did not.

My exh has moved on to another long-term relationship (together 6 years now), and I also wonder what is going on in that relationship.

We tend to think that boundaries mean that we can maintain our relationship with the BPD person, but some with BPD just run when you try to erect and maintain boundaries. 

It sounds as though you feel a deep affnity for a BPD-type person, but you do have boundaries.  When they encounter your boundaries, they run, leaving you with those feelings of affinity and strong boundaries.

[another_guyD]

Wounded Healer,

  Do you really think the BPD relationship is going any better than yours? There are people here who stayed

20+ years (I think Unreal is one and there are several) with BPD's. The length of the relationship has more

to do with the person opposite the BPD. Length does not equal good, it does not equal happiness.

When you were in the relationship with the BPD, what do you remember? The manipulation, the jealousy,

the lies, the tearing down of everything significant and the pain? Guess what? It is all happening agian.

People don't change their true colors; even treatment of BPD is to control the personality; it does not even

attempt to eliminate it.

Since the realtionship lasts longer; it does not mean the new one is better, to the contrary it means they have less self

esteem, less self confidence and will be in more pain longer.The other person is just more naive, more enmeshed,

more unwilling to let go (more codependent) and more gullible. If you are out; you are the lucky one. It might take

awhile to realize this; to burn away those feelings, but it will come.

Your saying.. "Well ex left me..." Well guess what; some gifts don't come gift wrapped, some gifts hurt (like a

gym membership) and some aren't even realized till much later. My ex filed first; my ex kicked me out ~

and I have come to the point were I have realized that ex gave me a chance at a REAL life. Not the ex's self

induced hellish vision of a world that I "played" in.  Besides God and my mother and father; ex has given

me a amazing gift (actually two; a son also).

~AgD

[Appalachian]

Wounded Healer,

  Do you really think the BPD relationship is going any better than yours? There are people here who stayed

20+ years (I think Unreal is one and there are several) with BPD's. The length of the relationship has more

to do with the person opposite the BPD. Length does not equal good, it does not equal happiness.

When you were in the relationship with the BPD, what do you remember? The manipulation, the jealousy,

the lies, the tearing down of everything significant and the pain? Guess what? It is all happening agian.

People don't change their true colors; even treatment of BPD is to control the personality; it does not even

attempt to eliminate it.

Since the realtionship lasts longer; it does not mean the new one is better, to the contrary it means they have less self

esteem, less self confidence and will be in more pain longer.The other person is just more naive, more enmeshed,

more unwilling to let go (more codependent) and more gullible. If you are out; you are the lucky one. It might take

awhile to realize this; to burn away those feelings, but it will come.

Your saying.. "Well ex left me..." Well guess what; some gifts don't come gift wrapped, some gifts hurt (like a

gym membership) and some aren't even realized till much later. My ex filed first; my ex kicked me out ~

and I have come to the point were I have realized that ex gave me a chance at a REAL life. Not the ex's self

induced hellish vision of a world that I "played" in.  Besides God and my mother and father; ex has given

me a amazing gift (actually two; a son also).

I agree with all of this, and can personally relate.  I know that when I was with dBPDxgf, I often told myself I had to get out, and that I knew that her exes (who never called, never contacted her, and were with her for less time) saw me as weak.  They knew what I was being put through and I couldn't shake the idea that they were feeling pity for me.

When we were in the honeymoon stage, I wondered how anyone could've let her go.  She had a longterm on/off boyfriend, her first 'love' but he never called or contacted her at all.  I wondered how that could've been...

Someone so beautiful and smart and nobody misses her?

[Ginger]

Dear WH:

I totally agree that you never know what's going on behind closed doors.   I have every reason to believe that my soon to be xhusband's behavior will transcend every romantic relationship he has going forward, unless he gets some serious help.   See if you can follow this without a flow chart!

I am married to him with 3 kids (25 year relationship) although I am trying to extricate myself from this marriage.   Enter gf#1.  She's been with him since 2005.  This is an emotional relationship and they're 'best' friends.   I think the only thing that has stopped him from sleeping with her is she's 500 miles away (although it wouldn't surprise me if they've found some way to hook up in the past).   She blogs regularly; here is her post about him this week.

And all the pain and sadness and lies and heartache you've filled me with have been totally called for?  Yeah.  Right.  Only in your holier-than-thou mind.  Which I don't even need to say is freaking insane...and it goes on.

Enter gf#2.  She's been with him over a year.   She openly engaged in this relationship completely aware that he was married with 3 kids.   He led this duplicitious lifestyle until I caught him in the fall.   At first, she naively thought that although he was lying to me, he was completely truthful with her.   I don't believe gf#2 is aware of gf#1.   He's still involved with gf#2 too.

A couple of months back gf#2 finds out he's been pursing gf#3.   She sends gf#3 this 'warning' in an effort to scare her off...When I first met him, I thought he was a nice guy, and it took me many months to uncover all the lies [I trust people, and it never occured to me to think like that] and he's been involved in these extracurricular affairs for years...it goes on about his violent outbursts etc.   She forwards this email to me in an effort to ensure she destroys my relationship with H too.  By the way, my H has pressured me for months to reconcile our relationship while he has been carrying on with these women.

As I said in my introduction, this relationship will someday earn me a spot on the Jerry Springer show.   I suspect there are more women, however I am past the point of caring.   If I ever have any thought of reconciling, I think I'll just need to reread this post!

So WH, the 3 women that I know that my H is still involved with, have either had the same experience as I have or they've been warned.  They're still with them.   Jeez, I put up with this guy for 25 years.   I smugly think however, at least I figured his behavior out.  I am not sure how long it will take them to realize he'll never change. 

[Steph]

WH,

  I hear you are really going thru some heartbreaking stuff. It sounds awful.

I also heard that you have been there before, many times.

I wonder what it is that draws you to the BPD? And what it is that lets you keep hurting yourself this way?

   Steph

[WoundHealer]

Part of me is sure that they're putting the new folks through hell too. But I think one of the main differences between us and them is that we are at least willing to question if it was us. Not even question whether we did something wrong, but just if it was a bad match and with someone else things work better for them. It's hard to see them each go on to the next person, each be with them for years and each show not a single sign of any problems.

The part that knows they can't change that fast reasons that the new person must be more of a pus than me. But that doesn't hold because, for instance, the new person in the most recent relationship doesn't seem that way at all. In fact, they seem like someone who would take less crap than me.

Steph, I know that's the classic question and it's one I've dealt with to a massive degree. I'm quite aware of why it happens. It isn't that I'm missing that point. It's that even knowing and understanding why it happens, it still is a tragic thing for everyone involved and the whole thing just makes me sad a lot of times. This disorder creates lose-lose situations for everyone involved and no matter how much you understand it's just a very sad thing that it exists and the trauma and pain that lies behind it for everyone involved.

[bfd58po]

Why is it that i feel like my udBPDexgf and her new boyfriend ( this is second time she left in 6 months ) are just having the time of their life and i am the one to blame. There has been n/c for three weeks and relationship broken up for 2 months .More on why i feel she is BPD in newbie section later. This feeling is killing me knowing i did ething possible and her and the new guy seem to be perfect. Well i was perfect to when we first started ,at least that is what she said.

[CrunkChipmunk]

Everyone who starts up with a BPD is their "white knight" for a time and is treated oh so wonderfully while she is doing the sweet girl act.

Any new light and happiness you see in her eyes is only reflected off of the new guy's soul.

It won't last as she will vampire every last bit of good out of him and leave him a hurting husk very much like how she truly is inside and like all of us are left at the immediate end of our BPD experiences.

[ben22]

Everyone who starts up with a BPD is their "white knight" for a time and is treated oh so wonderfully while she is doing the sweet girl act.

Any new light and happiness you see in her eyes is only reflected off of the new guy's soul.

It won't last as she will vampire every last bit of good out of him and leave him a hurting husk very much like how she truly is inside and like all of us are left at the immediate end of our BPD experiences.

I think that some relationships last longer than others because of the amount of opportunities with a borderline.  If they see a backup and they are "found out" they bail.  But if not, you are the greatest thing in the world.  Even thought they are unhappy with us, it seems they convince themselves that we are the greatest thing ever, but sometimes when things go wrong we are painted black.  I think certain NONs work better with borderlines, and some don't.  My ex is still with her new bf for 6 months but really that isn't very long.  The real stuff isn't going to happen until about a year or so.  At least that's how it was with mine.  I'm sure no matter if they get married and end up with someone that their behavior, if untreated, is always there in some way or form. 

[mtn]

I agree Ben.

I look at the history of the BPD I knew.  Married twice.  I think the first lasted a coupla years, then they divorced.  She probably had some relationships in between the next husband (who was bipolar)...and that lasted...maybe 2-3 years, I think.  He left her...and Im really guessing here, but I surmise because they didnt have sex (due to his meds according to her), she probably cheated on him and he bailed.  Just a guess.  6 mos after hubby #2 exits, she brings back hubby #1.  That probably lasted, on good terms, for about 6 mos.  Then she found me, pulled me in, pushed him out.  She had a fling, at least, during her tenure with me...and now has a new victim.  I think thats going on month 2 for them.  IF it is in fact still going...don't know for sure.  But the crap will start soon - she'll begin tearing this one down... and she'll stray...as always.  Rinse, repeat.

[bfd58po]

The first time she left we were together for 8 months ,everything good i thought , three days before she left i got hallmarks in mail they were all good then when she left for the new guy i was not giving her attention or love ect it was my fault so i took the blame . Kept in contact emails ect. and the new guy lasted 11 weeks and she came back .I knew nothing about BPD. Just thought i did wrong but her reaction was extreme. I was slow in some areas but for her to leave was not warrented

[2sheeps]

Hey Bud. I am lonely lonely loney and missing her to the point of breaking my NC rule. It happens to all of us though. Believe me if you read the articles on this and i am sure you have then they WILL ring true. Every SINGLE time i have gone back to her I have been crushed and crushed again. Over the years this took time, but it got less and less at each point. I now know that if I were to call her or to answer her calls with in 3,4,5 minutes her sweet sweet persona would disintegrate into dragging up the past, making me feel  guilty for the things that she had done and then telling me how she loves her new man so so much more than she ever did me. Infact she thinks she never did really love me etc etc.crushing my heart once again but everytime to a pulpy mess bigger than the last time. If you think about that example and ask yourself as I do me...then why is she trying to stay in touch with me? then yopu will see the answer clear and true. She need a conection...a bond with the past...to make her who she is. She has no persona of her own. Just what she had with you. If you take that away from her then she will loose that part of herself. If you give her one blink of an eye back in that world then she will take your SOUL.  If you are not strong mate and keep letting this happen to you I am telling you now it will literally kill you! They will not stop at anything to hurt you whether you belive this now or you dont. They are not wanting you back. They want themselves back. DO NOT if you have truely chosen NC under any circumstances give it to them unless you can and are sre you can reasonably set boundaries that they are capable of respecting. Even then. It is more than likely that if you are feelin about her still this way then i would say it is not a desirable choice. You will just be sucked back into that adouring beautiful sexy enticing blackhole that will mush you up and spit you out. I said to a friend of mine those exact descriptave words of my BPD girlfreind years ago. And hey do you knbow what now I have read books and read forums etc.. those same descriptive words about a BPD have been repeated over and over again by people I have never met. I got told just a couple of days ago that BPDs mimick you. and who you really fall in love with is yourself. I could of told myself that 9 yrs ago instead of wasting nine years of watching her mimick other guys till they fell in love with her...slept with her and then she came running to me saying they had raped her. Dot fall for it pal. You are better off with her out of your life. For good!. It is incredably hard. very! You just have to go for it though. Bear in mind that she WILL do this again to the next person. WILL. And the fact that she might be slepin with another dude will upset you ut be strong. She will ___ his head up as well. There is some one out there for you thats a million times better mate. You just cant see it yet. She is damages goods and get shot. As with me though I would look into the reasons why you are feeling like this about a woman that gives you so much trouble. I have struggled with it myself. Apart from their allure and intense attraction. Why can some men see that they are not real and others not. ?Look it up dude. You may have troubles too that has allowed you to be sucked in like this. All the best anyway. Take good care of yourself and be strong tomorrow is another better day with out her even if you dont think it yet. Thats my phylosophy anyway.  

[OnceConfused]

Woundhealer:

You are right, we have to forgive ourselves of whatever in the past. The more we can peel back all those layers, the more we will liberate our soul and mind. Once liberated we can grow and enjoy new relationships

[Skip]

This reminds me a lot of me... I went through this in the same time frame.

How are you doing now?

[SinisterComplex]

Hah, true, that can be confusing, but I assure you, in a relationship with a BPD, their leaving has nothing to do with you.  In fact, none of the relationship had anything to do with you.

Try thinking about when you're on your deathbed, or when your health starts declining late in life.  Would she have been there for you?  Is she even capable of being there for anyone?

Appalachian, this may be one of the best things to point out to help others who have been in these relationships heal. If someone can't be there for you back in return in your time of need don't waste time on them. You tell them go kick rocks and its onto the next! Any relationship where you feel it is one sided that other person is just a space filler for you.

Cheers!