BPD boyfriend broke up with me... I'm lost in confusion and anxiety

[DesiresHappiness]

I've been reading these boards for the last several days, and have to say this has been an incredible source of solace and understanding for me.  The long and the short of my reason for being here is that my almost 5 month relationship with my BPD boyfriend came to an end last week and I have been utterly confused and just short of devastated by it.  I never saw it coming, and he couldn't give me a reason other than he has a "strong feeling that we shouldn't be dating anymore."  Truth be told, I don't think the break up had a whole heck of a lot to do with me... .

Other than a minor misunderstanding at the end of the night last Sunday (a week and a half ago), we had an amazing time on Sunday.  According to him, some time between Monday and Tuesday, it occurred to him that he needed to end things with me.  He wants to remain friends if we can, although both of us recognize that can't happen right away.

A little background... .  We started dating after Valentines Day of this year.  We met at our 10 year high school reunion, and had kept in touch every now and again up to the point that we went out on V-Day.  We didn't know each other in HS, but as it turns out, had a number of close friends in common.  At the reunion, I had an instant and strong attraction to him.  I initiated the relationship, after I realized he probably wouldn't (5 months after meeting).  Both of us are shy, which is why it took both of us so long to get together.  But, hey, true love is worth waiting for.

The first three months were amazing.  We were in a long distance relationship (2 hours apart).  Other than a few "misunderstandings" that got resolved relatively quickly, we seemed like a match made in heaven.  My BPD ex boyfriend, has never told me he has BPD.  I wondered if he wasn't trying to hint to me that he does though, because I found a self-help book on the topic on top of a pile of folded clothes at his place a while back.  I don't snoop.  I didn't that day.  It was laying in plain sight, and I caught a glimpse of the title as I walked by.  Later that weekend during breakfast, I went to the fridge for some milk, and next to the juice that was already out, I saw a pill.  When I returned the milk to the fridge 5 minutes later, the pill was gone.  I kept the info to myself and researched the topic on my own the next week.  I think the pill was Zoloft.  That's what it looked like in the Google images.  I cried when I read up a little on BPD, because it seemed so terrifying and sad.  However, since nothing truly bad had happened between us, I figure he was managing the disorder, and that most of our "misunderstandings" were just potential triggers for him that made him react a little.

Just for the record, my BPD is not violent.  He's very sweet 95% of the time.  He doesn't intentionally punish me when something is bothering him - I believe this truely.  When he gets upset with me though, he is silent, won't look at me, and my otherwise touchy-feely bf would hardly be able to handle me touching him.  If we are not together and he's upset with me.  I may get emails ignored, or if we do talk on the phone, it's just kind of awkward and unfulfilling for me.  Once he's over it, we seem to be back to good, although I'm well aware that nothing has been forgotten.  (A few times, we've touched on some of the past incidents, and the feelings he had seem to be still lying just under the surface.)  He was sexually molested by a same-age girl for two years when he was under 10 years old, used to cut but the scares are white, tried to commit suicide in HS, struggles with an eating disorder, sees things in black and white, often asks if something he does is good or bad, has low self esteem issues, and has generally been the "rule maker" of the relationship. I'm good about loving accepting people for who they are, and because none of his "rules" (although we never referred to them as such) were outlandish or disrespected me or our relationship, I just kind of accepted them as they came.

As for me.  I tend to be pretty laid back.  I have a couple issues, but can be resolved in a relationship setting with a little positive feedback.  The things that I was concerned about sharing with him, he handled so well.  I was nervous to share, but when I did he just held me closer.  He was exactly what I needed him to be and more.  I felt loved after telling him the bigger stuff I needed to share.  My fear of abandonment subsided when he reassured me he had no intentions of leaving me.  I handle most tense situations calmly and with resolve to find solutions.  Definitely an attribute walking into this relationship.  Also probably why I didn't realize I was jumping through hoops when I look back at certain situations with him.

Today, after 5 days of no contact from either of us, I emailed him.  I literally just wrote, "I miss you."  Didn't know what else to say.  Don't know if he'll respond.  I'm sad.  I want him back.  All of him.  Not just the good.  I love him for who he is, and want to know how to love him in a way he can feel.  I'm not mad.  I'm just so sad over this.  I haven't been able to eat much of anything for days (lots of water though).  I've lost 7 lbs.   :  I don't do the hunger strike thing, so I'm a bit confused by my bodies response to this.  I can't handle the idea of anything but small portions of bland food.  I want him back, but, at this point, won't beg (although the panic I've felt has at times over the last several days tried to encourage me to do so).  I don't want to lose myself in this relationship.  So far I haven't.

There is so much more to this story, but I need to take a break and get back to some other things.  I will try to post more later, but anything you all could share with me regarding what I've shared with you would be very much appreciated.  I am not ready for my relationship with him to be over.  Don't know that I'll ever have a choice in the matter.  It just doesn't seem right, since things were going so well overall.  Hehehe... .Ironically, I've bragged to my sister just 2 weeks ago that this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in... .  Don't know what to say at this point.

Thanks all for giving me an outlet to share and feel cared for.

DesiresHappiness

[DesiresHappiness]

Sorry about this... .  Meant to post it on the [L1] New Members Please Post Here First board.  Would an Administrator or Moderator please repost it there?

Thanks,

DesiresHappiness

[ben22]

I've been reading these boards for the last several days, and have to say this has been an incredible source of solace and understanding for me.  The long and the short of my reason for being here is that my almost 5 month relationship with my BPD boyfriend came to an end last week and I have been utterly confused and just short of devastated by it.  I never saw it coming, and he couldn't give me a reason other than he has a "strong feeling that we shouldn't be dating anymore."  Truth be told, I don't think the break up had a whole heck of a lot to do with me... .

oOther than a minor misunderstanding at the end of the night last Sunday (a week and a half ago), we had an amazing time on Sunday.  According to him, some time between Monday and Tuesday, it occurred to him that he needed to end things with me.  He wants to remain friends if we can, although both of us recognize that can't happen right away.

A little background... .  We started dating after Valentines Day of this year.  We met at our 10 year high school reunion, and had kept in touch every now and again up to the point that we went out on V-Day.  We didn't know each other in HS, but as it turns out, had a number of close friends in common.  At the reunion, I had an instant and strong attraction to him.  I initiated the relationship, after I realized he probably wouldn't (5 months after meeting).  Both of us are shy, which is why it took both of us so long to get together.  But, hey, true love is worth waiting for.

The first three months were amazing.  We were in a long distance relationship (2 hours apart).  Other than a few "misunderstandings" that got resolved relatively quickly, we seemed like a match made in heaven.  My BPD ex boyfriend, has never told me he has BPD.  I wondered if he wasn't trying to hint to me that he does though, because I found a self-help book on the topic on top of a pile of folded clothes at his place a while back.  I don't snoop.  I didn't that day.  It was laying in plain sight, and I caught a glimpse of the title as I walked by.  Later that weekend during breakfast, I went to the fridge for some milk, and next to the juice that was already out, I saw a pill.  When I returned the milk to the fridge 5 minutes later, the pill was gone.  I kept the info to myself and researched the topic on my own the next week.  I think the pill was Zoloft.  That's what it looked like in the Google images.  I cried when I read up a little on BPD, because it seemed so terrifying and sad.  However, since nothing truly bad had happened between us, I figure he was managing the disorder, and that most of our "misunderstandings" were just potential triggers for him that made him react a little.

Just for the record, my BPD is not violent.  He's very sweet 95% of the time.  He doesn't intentionally punish me when something is bothering him - I believe this truely.  When he gets upset with me though, he is silent, won't look at me, and my otherwise touchy-feely bf would hardly be able to handle me touching him.  If we are not together and he's upset with me.  I may get emails ignored, or if we do talk on the phone, it's just kind of awkward and unfulfilling for me.  Once he's over it, we seem to be back to good, although I'm well aware that nothing has been forgotten.  (A few times, we've touched on some of the past incidents, and the feelings he had seem to be still lying just under the surface.)  He was sexually molested by a same-age girl for two years when he was under 10 years old, used to cut but the scares are white, tried to commit suicide in HS, struggles with an eating disorder, sees things in black and white, often asks if something he does is good or bad, has low self esteem issues, and has generally been the "rule maker" of the relationship. I'm good about loving accepting people for who they are, and because none of his "rules" (although we never referred to them as such) were outlandish or disrespected me or our relationship, I just kind of accepted them as they came.

As for me.  I tend to be pretty laid back.  I have a couple issues, but can be resolved in a relationship setting with a little positive feedback.  The things that I was concerned about sharing with him, he handled so well.  I was nervous to share, but when I did he just held me closer.  He was exactly what I needed him to be and more.  I felt loved after telling him the bigger stuff I needed to share.  My fear of abandonment subsided when he reassured me he had no intentions of leaving me.  I handle most tense situations calmly and with resolve to find solutions.  Definitely an attribute walking into this relationship.  Also probably why I didn't realize I was jumping through hoops when I look back at certain situations with him.

Today, after 5 days of no contact from either of us, I emailed him.  I literally just wrote, "I miss you."  Didn't know what else to say.  Don't know if he'll respond.  I'm sad.  I want him back.  All of him.  Not just the good.  I love him for who he is, and want to know how to love him in a way he can feel.  I'm not mad.  I'm just so sad over this.  I haven't been able to eat much of anything for days (lots of water though).  I've lost 7 lbs.   :  I don't do the hunger strike thing, so I'm a bit confused by my bodies response to this.  I can't handle the idea of anything but small portions of bland food.  I want him back, but, at this point, won't beg (although the panic I've felt has at times over the last several days tried to encourage me to do so).  I don't want to lose myself in this relationship.  So far I haven't.

There is so much more to this story, but I need to take a break and get back to some other things.  I will try to post more later, but anything you all could share with me regarding what I've shared with you would be very much appreciated.  I am not ready for my relationship with him to be over.  Don't know that I'll ever have a choice in the matter.  It just doesn't seem right, since things were going so well overall.  Hehehe... .Ironically, I've bragged to my sister just 2 weeks ago that this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in... .  Don't know what to say at this point.

Thanks all for giving me an outlet to share and feel cared for.

DesiresHappiness

Well sweetie pie at least you've found the right place.   From what i have read from your post it seems your ex is a mild case of BPD.  However, is a mild case of insanity much better than a major case?

I would have to know more about the relationship to make more feedback, it seems like you are pretty involved already.  He has the classic borderline causes.  Abuse at a young age.  The eating disorders.  The self mutilation.

He gave you love and attention like you never had.  But unfortunately it was a need on his part for you to respond rather than a mutual love feeling.  That is, for sure, he is a borderline.

In time you will realize this.  I'm sorry that this is not what you wanted to hear, but you fell in love with a fantasy.  The honeymoon stage has ended for him probably.  The newness has worn off and now that the relationship really starts, it scares him.  He fears intimacy yet also fears abandonment.  My guess is cut it off before he could get hurt, or he found someone to make him feel "high" again with the adrenaline of new relationships.

It may seem terrible now but let me tell you something.  The first 6 months of my relationship with my exBPDgf were pretty good.  But by 1 year, i was dodging her fists, biting mouth, knives, and curling irons.  It's only a matter of time before they snap. And they are dangerous.

I don't want you to feel the pain i felt and still do.  DO NOT go back to him.  Let me tell, everytime you go back it enables them to act worse and reinforce their bad behavior.  Everytime my ex would act all sweet and caring, i would take her back and a week later she would be her same psychotic self. I took her back at least like 4 or 5 times.  Each time it got worse.

Oh, and the no talking?  It's a defense mechanism.  The silence treatment. 

IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.  Sorry but it's the truth.  It will be the hardest thing you ever go through but you need to let him go. You can't fix him, only he when he is ready will commit to dealing and handling this illness.  It sounds like he isn't yet.  Maybe someday, he will be and you two can get together.  But i wouldn't count on it. 


Loove Huuuuuurrrtss   

Benny Boy

[foiles]

Honey, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Everyone on this board has been in your shoes with intense feelings of 'love' and confusion and longing and devastation.  Please keep reading everything you can about BPD and what people on this board have been through.  If you haven't yet, please read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  It is the best intro to BPD and the hoops some people have to jump through to try to make it work.  I'm crying for you because I can feel what you are going through.  It is exactly the feelings I had. I am so so so sad that you have to go through this.

You say you have only been in the relationship for 5 months, and for at least most, if not all, of that time, it has been long distance (which also cuts down on the time you have spent with each other sharing life experiences).  In that short period of time together, do you see how much stuff has happened?  The constant 'ups and downs', the 'misunderstandings' that wouldn't happen between most people, the mostly one-sided rule-making, the hoops, the fearfulness of what might set his moodiness off, now the sudden break-up for almost no reason?   You say you could say more.  You could probably fill a book, huh?  So could we all and there would be incredible similarities between them.  

Usually relationships with BPDs are whirlwind, the 'love'  and 'connection' occur quickly, and then come the 'ups and downs'.  Please read How a BPD Relationship Evolves (there are so many great, informative articles on this site).  Most times the problems increase as you share more time actually 'together' because there is more stuff for him to get upset about, and as you say, those things don't disappear in his brain; they will pop up for years, somehow connected to 'new' things (family, friends, work etc.).   As these things happen, you become increasingly isolated because you don't want to upset him, and other people will upset him.

It is obvious your bf is aware of his condition and is trying to control it.  IMO, I wouldn't say it is a mild case since he has cut and attempted suicide.  If you do have more experiences together, he may begin raging at something that may trigger him or even become violent.  My BPD did rage right away but didn't become violent until later.  I hate to say this, but you can see that even with awareness and meds, it is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone with BPD.  Most often it becomes impossible and will end eventually due to the emotional toll it takes on the NON (the person without BPD) or as what happened to you, the BPD becomes so fearful that he/she break-ups with you.  My exBPDbd broke up with me over 20 times (stopped counting after a while) before I finally ended it myself to the same devastation you are experiencing (do you want to go through this time and time again?).  And no matter what you do, you cannot ease their fears, only they can do that.  :)ue to the abuse suffered, the pain becomes ingrained in their psyche and probably permanantly affected the structure of their brain and how they cope with life's challenges, even the simplest ones (which never end, right?).

Usually therapy and meds help with the more severe symptoms (cutting, suicide) but people with BPD can almost never have a long term, healthy, happy, mature relationship without the problems occurring at least sporadically (in the best cases).  You will be walking on eggshells the entire time you are with him.  

I know you don't want it to end now.  None of us did.  Only you can make that call. Only you can take the steps to learn as much as you can, mostly about yourself and why you want to live the rest of your life with someone that will give you so much pain.  I know you feel you love him enough to fight through the problems, but only learning and reading and experience and therapy will allow you to make an informed decision that you can live with.

Please keep posting and tell us what you have gone through.  We know there is much more.  It will help you process what has happened and help those that have had similar experiences give some food for thought.  Take care of yourself.  Really.  Force yourself to eat and exercise if you can.  You'll need your strength to go down this path.  

[guyinla]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Have you considered seeing a therapist? You have a lot of unresolved feelings and therapy might be a really good step. I'm nine weeks out after three years in the middle of a BPD relationship, and I'm considering therapy. I still miss my ex, but my mental stability is worth far more than any relationship.

I agree with Benny. It doesn't get better. For the first several months, my BPD showered me with dysfunctional love. She left little notes for me all over the house and constantly told me no one cared for her or loved her or understood her like I did. I would assure her that her family and friends loved her, and she would shake her head and say they didn't. I was the only one. She told me how all alone in the world she felt, and I was all she had.

And this from a beautiful, successful corporate executive. She was one of the most high functioning people I've ever known. But empty on the inside.

I loved and gave and gave and gave. In the end, I left everything behind to be with her. And virtually overnight she left me. One therapy session and she was done. At first, she blamed herself and apologized for ruining everything. But soon, she blamed me for everything. (because I went no contact on her.)

You are free. Call your GP and get a recommendation for a good therapist. Do not go back.

You know you have the capacity for a loving, wonderful relationship. Take that and give it to someone who can appreciate it and return it.

[guyinla]

Foiles posted right before me. I agree with all of it. Take care of you.

The last thing I emailed my ex was to please let me heal and get back on my feet, and to please stop contacting me until I had time to recover. I asked told her I needed to take care of myself right now. And she fired back the most hateful email I have ever received, blaming me for everything.

I deserve better and so do you. I tell myself every day, "I deserve better."

[ben22]

I sent you a pm desireshappiness.  Check your mailbox

[back2reality]

Welcome to bpdfamily.com!

Sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you found us.  This is an amazing place full of support and understanding.

No one here can diagnose your xbf, but from what you describe it doesn't sound good.

You mention your xbf doesn't punish you - do you mean that he doesn't abuse you?  You also mention that he gives you the silent treatment.  Believe it or not, the silent treatment IS a form of mental/emotional abuse and over time this will take a toll.  The silent treatments eventually will become longer and triggered by next to nothing.  Healthy people talk through issues/problems not ignore the other person.

BPDs have a sixth sense to find people who like to caretake or people who like to help others - and nothing wrong with people like that (I'm one of them  ) - but we tend to fall prey to them.  You mention that you are a loving and accepting person, but they tend to take advantage of that love and acceptance and they'll just keep taking more and more till you have nothing left to give.  And even then it won't be enough - you still won't have loved them enough, cared for them enough, done enough, said enough.  It will never be enough and eventually you will lose yourself. 

I know you're hurt and confused right now, but trust me when I say this - You can save yourself a lot more hurt and confusion if you just let this one go.  It's just not worth it, believe me, I've been there myself so I can tell you from first-hand experience and I can tell you that things never got better only worse.  It is no way to live.

His ending the relationship is probably his fear of abandonment kicking in so he abandons before he gets abandoned.  Also, it was probably getting harder and harder for him to keep his mask on and didn't want you to see the real him, no longer the illusion.  BPD is a disease of intimacy so the closer the two of you were getting the more real & intense his fear of abandoment was getting also.

I know you don't want it to end - so many of us have so desperately wanted to make it work and we know that you will walk away when you are ready.  But until then you have us to talk to!  I hope you decide to stick around and read, read, read!

[nomoredrama]

I went through something very simular with my uBPDxbf.  He ended things after a wonderful weekend together.  The silent treatment (going on 2 months) started with him saying that I should know why he ended things.  He wouldn't even give me a reason.

It gets better! I still think of him everday, but i'm getting over it!

You have found a great site for support!

Raeni~ how long was was your longest silent treatment with your ex?

[NonEntity]

"I am not ready for my relationship with him to be over.  Don't know that I'll ever have a choice in the matter.  It just doesn't seem right, since things were going so well overall."

He gave you a gift - you could have had this happen after being even more involved, or after having kids, you got an early warning that the person you thought you knew actually didn't exist. That's why it feels like a blow. You can't see it coming. Don't get knocked down over and over again. 

[Raeni]

Kannonio ~ Sent you a PM. 

[mtn]

Um... .what is it YOU want?

Its time to consider you.

Try reading through the articles at the top of this section.  You have much to process... .and it will take time.  Consider talking to a therapist... .find a good one thats accessible.  The interaction is... .very enlightening.  There are things about you that brought you to this present. 

Everyone is here for you.

Im sorry you are here, but welcome.  We want you to leave (Oz) as soon as possible.   

[DesiresHappiness]

Thank you all for all your valuable input.  Seriously, the responses I've gotten mean so much to me.  It's helping me see things from many different angles, but all with a similar theme.

Right now, I'm thinking it's best to just go NC for a long time with him.  Truth be told though, if he contacts me any time soon (the next few weeks), I most likely won't be strong/smart enough to not reach out back.  I will however keep reading, reading, reading to try and arm myself with knowledge and power.  Not an unhealthy power we all know from our BPDs, but a self aware power that will allow me to not respond from my emotional/lonely side.

Fortunately, I do have a strong support network and a number of people in my daily life I can turn to ready to hug and support me.     Hugs totally help me.  I also am so greatful for this board and its resources and members.  A big hug to you all, for I know I'd be lost without your insights right now.

I'm going to try to respond to some of the things that touched me somehow, or made me think from your responses to my post... .

It is obvious your bf is aware of his condition and is trying to control it.  IMO, I wouldn't say it is a mild case since he has cut and attempted suicide.  If you do have more experiences together, he may begin raging at something that may trigger him or even become violent.  My BPD did rage right away but didn't become violent until later.

Thanks Foiles.  I agree that it's not mild... .  I think there are environmental triggers that are making it surface more now than ever before.  His eating disorder is slightly seasonal.    He's an exercise bulimic and summertime allows him to go to extremes doing the exercise he loves.  Within two weeks of him kicking into high gear with exercise, our relationship started to experience more "misunderstandings".  He lost 25-30 lbs withing 6 weeks.  I didn't know about the bulimia at this point, I just thought it was a reflection of the human male's ability to gain muscle and drop fat fast.

Is the term "raging" another term for getting really upset over small things?  I mean, is he raging when I get the silent treatment and he can't even look at me?

Please keep posting and tell us what you have gone through.  We know there is much more.  It will help you process what has happened and help those that have had similar experiences give some food for thought.  Take care of yourself.  Really.  Force yourself to eat and exercise if you can.  You'll need your strength to go down this path. 

I did finally get a little appetite last night.  Thanks for the encouragement to post. It's exhausting to read and post, but I have to try to know as much as I can about this and deal with the break-up and healthfully I can for myself.  (Yeah for progress, I'm thinking about how I'm going to stay healthy.)   

I deserve better and so do you. I tell myself every day, "I deserve better."

guyinla - I think that's an empowering mantra.  That might be the title of the journal I right to get through some of this.  Thanks for all the feedback in both your posts.

At first it feels acceptable, because we as nons want to take the good with the bad, and we have this desire to 'stick it out'. 

That is me in a nutshell!  Thank you so much for voicing that Raeni.

It was just a twisted little game in his head, I was supposed to go rescue him from his feelings of self-doubt.  And I played it.  I missed him too, sweetie.  On occasion, I still do.  I miss the illusion of him, who I thought he was.  But I don't miss the silent treatments, the ignoring, the complete cold cutting me out his life whenever I did something that threatened his feeling of security(even if it wasn't related).  They don't move past things.  I tend to find they hold grudges, and it's a snowball effect.  Here's situation A.  Situation A never gets resolved, it gets pushed in the back of the mind.  Here comes Situation B.  Still anger over situation A, situation B is not just B by itself, but there's some A in there.  So on and so forth, until the snowball becomes a gigantic snowman.  It never is what it's really about.

My heart goes out to you.  I was there so recently.  No matter what choice you make, stay with us on these boards.  The people here are amazing, informed and understanding individuals.  You'll probably find yourself needing to take breaks on occasion, and that's good because we all need normal 'me' time.  This is a great place, I'm glad you found it. Foiles sums it up.   

Thank you Raeni.  As much as I would like to forgive, forget and move forward (not like I even have the option to do so right now, since he's the one that broke up with me), hearing you and others tell me my own story through your own experiences serves as a huge wake up call... .   :'(  A sad, sad wake up call, but one I'm trying to fully acknowledge with my heart AND mind.

What's ironic, is that if just one or two friends or family told me what you all had told me, quite honestly, I may not have listened.  Like many of us, I want this to work, even though the odds are against it... .  However, having several people who I don't know, tell me my own story so accurately, is more than just a coincidence.  I am listening and absorbing.  Hopefully, I can absorb fast enough to not go back if the opportunity does arise.  Regardless, if he does contact me, I'll post what's said and continue to reach for healthy living for me.  I'm human, which is why I can't just rip off the bandaid at this point, but I will get there.

His ending the relationship is probably his fear of abandonment kicking in so he abandons before he gets abandoned.  Also, it was probably getting harder and harder for him to keep his mask on and didn't want you to see the real him, no longer the illusion.  BPD is a disease of intimacy so the closer the two of you were getting the more real & intense his fear of abandoment was getting also.

I think you've really touched on something here back2reality.  Thanks for the insight.

He gave you a gift - you could have had this happen after being even more involved, or after having kids, you got an early warning that the person you thought you knew actually didn't exist. That's why it feels like a blow. You can't see it coming. Don't get knocked down over and over again. 

I don't think it's a coincidence that almost everyone I've talked to has said this in one way or another.  It's sad, but worth taking head of.  Thanks NonEntity.

Actually, I think one of the biggest gifts God gave me was the weekend I saw that book and pill at his place... .  I think I'd be devastated in a non-functional sense had that not happened.  I probably wouldn't have found this board, and wouldn't have the resources to make some sense of a senseless situation.

Um... .what is it YOU want?

Its time to consider you.

Try reading through the articles at the top of this section.  You have much to process... .and it will take time.  Consider talking to a therapist... .find a good one thats accessible.  The interaction is... .very enlightening.  There are things about you that brought you to this present. 

Everyone is here for you.

Im sorry you are here, but welcome.  We want you to leave (Oz) as soon as possible.   

Thanks for the sentiments mtn.  I appreciate the support and advice from you and everyone.

I need to get going.  Life goes on, and I've got to pay the bills somehow. 

Talk to you all later!

~DesiresHappiness

[TonyC]

you know BPD maybe?

maybe not... .

that alone shouldnt be your sole focus... .

this person... you trusted ... .maybe love

up and walked out of the relationship... .

just like that... .no real reason right? just a feeling?

you will never trust him again... .you will be going out of your way 24/7 to make sure he dont walk away again ... .in two months if he came back... .

you will loose... .all your self esteem... ., parts of your personality... .

you will loose your self... .

and your not in control of this... .he is... .

and your very hurt right now... .and you should be...

and im sorry... .

tony

[eniale]

I had similar experience, but after a year.  Another good book to read is "Men

Who Can't Love" -- look it up on Amazon.  It's about men who can't make commitment -- they leave not when things are bad, but when things are good, because if they see the possibility of a solid relationship they "destroy it or run away from it" (quote from the book.)  It helped my overwhelming confusion.  They also look for long distance relationships (he left me for someone he met on bus trip who lives in another country!  They Skype each other!  We had a solid relationship, or so I thought.  At the very end, he said "you deserve a stable guy."  So he has some insight.  I knew he could be difficult but never realized just how unstable he was.  Accomplished, but unstable.  It's been tough, since I really loved him, but realize all the loving things he said to me he now is probably saying to another.  These people just do not think as we do.  I mean what I say and say what I mean.  He means what he says... .  when he says it... .  but is not stable. His feelings change constantly, he is confused and CONFLICTED.  Can fall IN and OUT of love; just cannot BE or STAY in love.  Hope this helps!  Good luck!

[leftbehind]

DesiresHappiness, your story is very similar to mine.  I had 8 months of happiness, then after a magical weekend he comes to my place acting very strange and distant.  We had a squabble, which we resolved.  He told me he loved me three times the next day, and the day after that was looking to break up with me.  He told me he had a spiritual shift, and our energies don't match anymore.

I do know what you're going through.  For the first month, I had to sit on my hands or call someone else so I didn't call him and beg him to take me back.  It gets better.  Not to say that you won't miss him, or have the urge to call him.  But you will start to realize that those feelings are like waves on the beach - if you allow yourself to feel them without acting on them they pass through you and move on.  Even if you have to ride the waves 100 times a day, they are waves of emotion that will pass.

After reading so many people's experiences here I am taking in the fact that sometimes, "Rejection is God's Protection".  Meaning maybe it was for the best that he broke up with me after 8 months, instead of 2 years, before he cheated on me (assuming he didn't), before he disappeared for a week, etc. 

It seems like the BPD person has a Disney view of romance and love, and when that view is threatened they jet.  Not a safe bet for a husband, for sure!

[leftbehind]

and TonyC - thank you!  Your post was freaking brilliant! 

This person... . you trusted ... .  maybe love

up and walked out of the relationship... .  

just like that... .  no real reason right? just a feeling?

you will never trust him again... .  you will be going out of your way 24/7 to make sure he dont walk away again ... .  in two months if he came back... .  

you will loose... .  all your self esteem... .  , parts of your personality... .  

you will loose your self... .  

[leftbehind]

Sorry, came out too light... .  trying to repost here ( I can't figure out how to quote properly)

This person... . you trusted ... .  maybe love

up and walked out of the relationship... .  

just like that... .  no real reason right? just a feeling?

you will never trust him again... .  you will be going out of your way 24/7 to make sure he dont walk away again ... .  in two months if he came back... .  

you will loose... .  all your self esteem... .  , parts of your personality... .  

you will loose your self... .  

[leftbehind]

I know you posted for desireshappiness, but this helped me enormously.

[patientandclear]

It looks like this original post was from a long time ago?  But I agree that TonyC's point is key.  I chose not to resume a r/s with my ex unless he'd work on his intimacy issues in therapy because I knew I would be turning myself into an anxious pretzel trying to figure out what happened the first time and how to prevent it from happening again, unless he took on some of that responsibility.

I was hopeful for us at that point.  That was before I learned about BPD though, and realized how incredibly unlikely it was that he would take on that quest.  He didn't.  He hasn't.

Other than a minor misunderstanding at the end of the night last Sunday (a week and a half ago), we had an amazing time on Sunday.  According to him, some time between Monday and Tuesday, it occurred to him that he needed to end things with me.  He wants to remain friends if we can, although both of us recognize that can't happen right away.

Yep.  This was the exact story when my uBPDex broke up with me (and it is such a common story here).  We went away for the weekend, had the loveliest, sweetest, most intimate time.  We came back.  I got really busy at work & got laryngitis so I couldn't talk on the phone at night as had been our pattern.  After a few days of that, he had extreme anxiety dreams (of jumping off a waterfall & driving the wrong way up a highway).  I asked what he thought they were about, and he said "it was really hard being apart from you this week."  Later that day, he had an extreme reaction to a tiny incident involving my daughter -- he thought I was siding with her against him, basically.  He left what we were doing suddenly; when I saw him that evening he was incoherent; he refused to talk by phone that night; the next day, he was texting that he saw no healthy way forward and then he refused to pick up the phone when I arrived to see him as we'd planned.  After a couple weeks of painful back and forth about this by email, I threw up my hands and accepted his decision.  Then he wanted to email about other things and stay in touch in that way.

The things that I was concerned about sharing with him, he handled so well.  I was nervous to share, but when I did he just held me closer.  He was exactly what I needed him to be and more.  I felt loved after telling him the bigger stuff I needed to share.  My fear of abandonment subsided when he reassured me he had no intentions of leaving me.

This is what I've found quite traumatizing about this experience--be alert that you might have a similar reaction.  Having abandonment fears, being specifically reassured by someone that you are safe with them and do not need to fear them departing suddenly, and then having that person depart suddenly -- it's a pretty fundamental betrayal.

Today, after 5 days of no contact from either of us, I emailed him.  I literally just wrote, "I miss you."  Didn't know what else to say.  Don't know if he'll respond.  I'm sad.  I want him back.  All of him.  Not just the good.  I love him for who he is, and want to know how to love him in a way he can feel.  I'm not mad.  I'm just so sad over this.  I haven't been able to eat much of anything for days (lots of water though).  I've lost 7 lbs.   :  I don't do the hunger strike thing, so I'm a bit confused by my bodies response to this.  I can't handle the idea of anything but small portions of bland food.  I want him back, but, at this point, won't beg (although the panic I've felt has at times over the last several days tried to encourage me to do so).  I don't want to lose myself in this relationship.  So far I haven't.

Yep.  Like a lot of people on here, I experienced extreme weight loss after the breakup.  I just didn't want to eat.  Susan Anderson in her book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing describes this as a physical response to extreme danger or threat.

Ironically, I've bragged to my sister just 2 weeks ago that this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in... .    Don't know what to say at this point.

Yep.  I told my friends about 3 weeks before he left me that this was the first emotionally healthy man I'd dated in a very long time.  That's what makes this so very hard to recover from I think -- due to mirroring and their very ardent pursuit of you as the person who is The One who is going to make all the bad feelings go away, there is this sense that you are their ultimate priority and they could not conceivably hurt you.  So when they do, and to such an extreme degree, it causes this incredulous "I must be misunderstanding something" reaction that can cause months and months of ruminations and second-guessing of what you did.

Two days before he left me, I told my boss I was dating this man (he used to work with us).  I was just glowing I was so happy, but her first words were "oh P&C, I hope he doesn't leave you."  (She could see it in an instant.  Amazingly insightful woman.)  I looked at her and laughed and said oh, no -- he wouldn't do that, I'm really important to him.  48 hours later -- he'd done it.

[eniale]

After reading many posts on here where the other person pursued ardently, things were going great, and then they suddenly left, I will say again that a great book to read is "Men Who Can't Love" (note, authors re-wrote book a few years later to include women who can't love, I think title is "She's Scared, He's Scared).  Although not about BPD (this book is about people who are commitment-phobic) I have read that some people have both conditions.  My therapist suggested BPD because I told her I had been "walking on eggshells" with my ex and that he showed a lot of fear of my leaving him (abandonment fear) which suggest BPD.  But the book "Men Who Can't Love" helped ease my confusion as such men (women, too) are terrified of commitment and ONLY LEAVE WHEN THINGS GET VERY GOOD, lots of intimacy, etc.  When they see possibility of a solid relationship they will "destroy it or run from it".  Helped me a lot.  I also lost my appetite and started to lose weight.  My therapist recommended St. John's Wort for depression as I had a bad reaction to anti-depressant.  My doctor (GP) said it works for some, not all.  It did work for me and I regained my appetite.