Essential Family Guide - Randi Kreger

[SadWifeofBPD]

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/essential-family-guide-borderline-personality-disorder

One thing that has really struck me was when she used the example that pwBPD have a sort of hearing dyslexia.  Similar to those with dyslexia who don't see letters in the right order, those with BPD don't "hear" words/messages correctly.  

This makes so much sense.  

I've been hitting my head against the wall wondering why I kept getting asked the same questions or I kept getting the same accusations even after I had shown/explained the truth.  

Several times, H has asked (in anger) where a certain item is.  I repeatedly tell him that it's in storage, yet another month will go by and he'll ask again (while accusing me of refusing to tell him where it is.)  For a LONG time, I thought my H had early-onset Alzheimers because of these repetitive questions.  

[Clearmind]

What tools does the book suggest to use?

[Clearmind]

shamrock, radical acceptance is crucial - I agree. Can you help us understand how this may assist in this instance?

[shamrock]

You must accept that things are not as they should or could be. This does not mean that you agree with what you are accepting but using this inormation as a start to work from.

You cannot fix what you do not accept is broken

[Clearmind]

Thank you Shamrock.

I agree - its accepting what is apparent and accepting we cannot change it. We can however change our perception and reaction to it - we have the control over us - we cannot change another.

Attempting to change another will only lead to resentment, rumination, unhealthy venting and undecidedness.

Agreed our relationships have limitations - we either accept who our partners are OR move on from the relationship. A relationship cannot heal if the 'healthy' one in the relationship chooses not to accept.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Her book has reiterated the need to avoid circular arguments. 

I know to use SET based on this site, but reading about pwBPD essentially having "hearing dyslexia" (or aural dyslexia), it just made everything more clear. 

I can't tell you how many times I've had to repeat the same answers to the same questions. 

However, I do think that sometimes a 3rd party can "break thru" one of these circular arguments and this "aural dyslexia" doesn't occur in those instances.   so, in my opinion, this problem is a selective one.  When dealing with particular people (spouse), this hearing dyslexia seems to be much more of a problem.

For instance, last year, H was out of town and was not expected to return for a few more weeks.  I had forgotten that he had lost his house key.  I had to leave town as well for a few days, so I locked the house up before I left (a normal thing to do).   H returned home (VERY unexpectantly) and couldn't get into the house.  His brother was with him.  H called me up and raged and raged and raged that I had somehow done this "on purpose."  I kept stupidly repeating that I had no idea that he'd be coming home early, and I had forgotten that he had lost his house keys (frankly, that was his responsibility to take care of).   The raging went on and on and even included some accusations that our recently dead dog died because of me.  At some point, his brother overheard the raging, realized what H was raging about, and ordered H to get off the phone.  After H got off the phone, his brother explained to him that I had done a reasonable thing... . lock up the house when leaving for a few days.  His brother also reprimanded H for his ridiculous yelling.  (H told me about this later).  They ended up at a hotel that night and H said he cried himself to sleep.  The next morning he texted me and apologized (a rare thing).

His brother hadn't said anything that I hadn't already said.  But, when I said those same words, it wasn't penetrating H's brain at all.  Yet, when his brother said them, not only did the words get thru, but H felt great shame about what he had done. 

This has made me more aware of the need to avoid circular arguments. 

I don't know what I represent to my H, but it surely must be something that I don't understand.

[Clearmind]

Yes you are right - circular arguments are invalidating for you both.

Your H's

- reality can be distorted

- recall of events is different to yours

- processing of events is different to yours

Your H is different to you - this is the level of acceptance we need to get to. Once we acknowledge the differences we either embrace it using the tools we have or make the decision that we cannot work with it and find ways to detach.

I encourage you sadwife to move towards some level of acceptance around BPD and your H - and begin to problem solve.

[SadWifeofBPD]

The more I understand BPD, the more I can accept it.  I don't do well with mystery.  I need the "aha".

[SadWifeofBPD]

Yes you are right - circular arguments are invalidating for you both.

Your H's

- reality can be distorted

- recall of events is different to yours

- processing of events is different to yours


Your H is different to you - this is the level of acceptance we need to get to.

WHY is their recall of events so different?  (even events that "just happened"? )   

The event that caused our separation was a physical altercation between my son and my H.  My H instigated the fight, my H got physical first, yet he insists that our son started the fight.  I refuse to LIE and agree with H, which is what he's demanding.  I'm not going to throw our son under the bus because if I did, H would FOREVER keep bringing it up that our son CAUSED the fight and that I agreed with H.  That's not happening.

[Randi Kreger]

I am having an emergency in that the two editors I work with who have had PD spouses are not available.

I would like to see if there is a full time professional editor or writer here with at least five years of experience somewhere on here.

I know you don't like cross posting though, and I can't just pick one thread.

Can you help me at all; it's very important. I can write something up. Thanks.

[jedimaster]

I have probably read a dozen books on BPD so far, but have not yet gotten to Stop Walking on Eggshells.  However, in support group last night the facilitator highly recommended her newest book, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder."  I downloaded it to my Kindle as soon as I got out of the meeting. (I don't keep any hard copies of BPD related books around.)

I just got started but it seems like it's going to be a good one.  Has anybody else read it?  What are your thoughts so far?

I'm a fast and voracious reader, but I can only read about BPD in small chunks (including on this site).  Otherwise I find myself spending all my thoughts thinking and strategizing about how to deal with my uBPDw.  I'll be d#$%^ed if she's going to monopolize my thoughts when she's not even here. 

[takingandsending]

I haven't read that one. Does it have some sections on how to help your children deal with BPD mom?

My S3 was saying ":)arth Mom" yesterday instead of ":)arth Maul". Not sure if it was typical 3 year old playing with sounds or a brilliant leap of his sub-conscious to identify with the archetypes present in our house. 

PS - BPD mom was grumbling at the kids for playing with their Legos for 2 hours when I got home. The horror! Little kids actually amusing themselves with their toys - the delinquents!

[Randi Kreger]

Hi there. I was looking through a list of the recommended books, and I see someone wrote this about my latest book

The Essential Family Guide to B... .P... D... .This book is for family members of a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD). If you are only going to have one book, or if you are purchasing your first book, this would be our recommendation. Ms Kreger discusses five tools to make home life more manageable for family members and more constructive for the person affected with BPD.This is a follow up to the popular "self-help book" for families - Stop Walking on Eggshells. While Stop Walking on Eggshells is probably the most often recommended book by therapists, both the author and the state-of-the-art advanced significantly in the 10 years between the books and is, frankly, a better book.

Thank you for the review! The thing is, however, it is only recommended for siblings and parents. I am not sure why since the five tools will help everyone. adult children, partners, inlaws, grandparents, etc. As you can imagine, I spend three years of my life toiling and updating all the info in SWOE, and EFH has 15 pages of footnotes.

It is much more updated than SWOE since I wrote it a decade later and has learned a whole lot between the two books. I would be forever grateful if it could be listed as helping everyone rather than just being recommended to siblings and parents (it has no special info for those two groups) especially since it says "If you're going to have one book this should be it."

By the way, of all the books listed there, there is only ONE listed for partners (High Conflict Couple) although this group has the most number of people in it. Also HCC author Alan Fruzetti says at the outset of the book that it is directed to instances in which BOTH partners are working together on the problem--which it seldom is.

Thanks!

[Randi Kreger]

Hi. I am asking for a change on the site for recommended books. SWOE is listed for people with a BPD parents. However, there is an entire chapter on what to do if you have a BPD child. Also, everything in there could apply to partners as well.

Could you either recommend it for everyone or let me know why you listed it as you did?

For the Essential Family Guide,  https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews, I see it is still recommended just for partners.

Since your review says it's for everyone, could you modify that and say it's for all family members? 

Me new book, SWOE for Partners will be just for partners.

Thanks!

[Randi Kreger]

Please don't delete this request again.

Please keep it up until you answer it.

On April 5 I asked:  

... .Hi. I am asking for a change on the site for recommended books. SWOE is listed for people with a BPD parents. However, there is an entire chapter on what to do if you have a BPD child. Also, everything in there could apply to partners as well.

Could you either recommend it for everyone or let me know why you listed it as you did?

For the Essential Family Guide,  https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews, I see it is still recommended just for partners.

Since your review says it's for everyone, could you modify that and say it's for all family members?  

Me new book, SWOE for Partners will be just for partners.

Thanks!

[Randi Kreger]

I only gave a mark of good as the book is more valid for people in a relationship. That said there is a lot you can  learn from it about your exs behaviour and your role in it. I have shown this to my uBPD exw when discussing my exgf and she seemed to have a lightbulb moment when reading the dsm.I havr also leant it to my exmil and a friend who thinks her mum has BPD. They have all thought it interesting and useful.I would recomend it to anyone dealing with someone with BPD.

I have a new book out called The Essential Guide to ... .P... .D... .you gave it a very good rating. Could you start a thread here about it?

Here are the first few reviews on amazon:

A Must Read for family, friends, clinicians and judges By  T. CRAWFORD   on November 25, 2008Format: Paperback Very few books can actually change your life. Randi Kreger has written two. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE) changed my life and the lives of many others. "The Essential Family Guide" now offers the tools to family members and professionals to help deal with BPD with great efficiency and effectiveness."The Essential Family Guide" hits the nail directly on the head and drives it home. Where SWOE left off, the Family Guide picks up. It is critical reading for everyone - including counselors, psychologists, and legal professionals - living with or dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (a "BPD".After reading through the first few chapters, I realized that "The Essential Family Guide" is the next step in my own recovery in dealing with my BPD ex-spouse and in caring for my children exposed to this disorder. If you are coping with a BPD - personally or professionally - you must read the Essential Family Guide.I think of and hear from others out there dealing with the craziness of a BPD in their lives and searching for understanding. If I can convince one person to read The Family Guide and get the benefit that I have received from Randi's books, then I will have done a good thing. 3 Comments    Was this review helpful to you?  Yes No     90 of 96 people found the following review helpful



On a scale of one to five, this rates a ten! By  Barbara A. Oakley   on December 8, 2008Format: Paperback Verified Purchase  I thought nothing could ever top the first book Randi Kreger co-wrote ("Stop Walking on Eggshells" but her newest book does it---I wish I could give ten stars instead of five. This seemingly simple book is one of the top five most useful books I've ever read in my life---I've already reread it twice, and will be reading it again in the years to come to help keep me in the right mental place. If you want to not only understand emotionally troubled people, but also do something concrete to help yourself, push the button and order this book right now.There are so many powerful and easy-to-use tools provided in this book that it's tough to figure out which ones to mention in this review. They all give concrete answers to the seemingly unanswerable question that always arises whenever you're faced by a troubled personality--what do you do about it?For example, I've always heard that you need to "set firm limits" with people who would overstep your boundaries. But personally, I never really quite understood what the word "limits" actually meant, and I certainly didn't know how to set them. Nothing I ever read on the topic helped much, because what little I found was so vague.But Randi gives example after concrete example of what limit setting actually means in a variety of situations, emphasizing throughout that it's important to understand your own greater sense of what's fair and right for yourself as well as for others. Her chapter on uncovering what keeps you feeling "stuck" provides a terrific explanation of a problem in relationships with people who are troubled. In the chapter on communication, Randi describes precisely how to communicate and actually be heard.Read more ›

[Randi Kreger]

The Wikipedia page says:In 2007, R. Skip Johnson, a former member of the discussion group, acquired the 3,200 member database from the book author, Randi Kreger, and merged it with the content website "bpdfamily.com". ... .

The coauthor of SWOE, Paul Mason, was never involved with BPDcentral or the Nook. In fact, he didn't know the Nook existed. Also, the Nook was not a standalone message board.

Please correct it to say the Nook was on BPDcentral.com, which is a site belonging to Stop Walking on Eggshells coauthor and owner of BPD Central Randi Kreger.

Thanks.

Thank you.

[Randi Kreger]

Hi all.

I hope this is an appropriate place to ask this question. If not, please tell me.I have been asked to put some webinars together--one free one outlining the course and the rest paid for (90 minutes to 120 minutes).

The first one outlining the course would be free.There would be 5 others training people how to use the tools. They would be for everyone (parents, sibling, partners, etc.)

These really need to be done in order. That's what I explain in Essential family Guide. Not just info but training and faq.NPD vs BPD.

Step 1 What to do and not do when  you find out. First steps to take. Going through grief and acceptance. Putting together a plan that helps you decide what decision to make and how to make them. Take stock on the prices you have paid.

2. Going through what makes you stuck. Special exercises to help you set some goals and figure out what you want. Explore best case and worst case scenarios.

3. Communication; all about it.

4. Setting consequences, putting together plan hoe to do it, what to do if you let them go. What to say and do when hcp breaks them

5. Closing thoughts and putting it all together. Resources. Book and such. Online and in person support groups.

Naturally this costs money. The guy I am working with suggests about $260. A lot for what you get and no travel.

These would be repeated so you can take them when you want.

I don't see just buying one because the point is that they build on each other.

Would you be interested in such a thing? Is $260 or so too much?

Please let me know.

[Randi Kreger]

My post was posted as an "Essential Read" by Psychology Today! It has a lot to do with jealousy.

Essential Posts are extremely hard to get, especially for a specialized topic like BPD. I am proud to say that after 4 years, I have 6 million hits, which probably makes me the second or third most-seen PT blogger out of a few hundred. There are some posts that get featured in someplace big, but those are outliers.

I have a ton of posts on other topics having to do with BPD and NPD.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201507/sex-and-the-single-borderline-woman