How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

[Slate]

I just read How a Borderline Relationship Evolves in the Articles section.  INCREDIBLE!  That is my life for the last 5 years.  I have lots of formal education, 20 plus years clean and sober in AA, have been in therapy for 25 years, but never, read anything so important to me.

Any men that are new to the BPD family like me and think they may be in a relationship with a BPD woman, read this now!

I have just realized recently I am codependent / love addict but I always thought I was being to sensitive and rationalized away the behavior of my BPDw2 (I was married to a BPD1 and had a BPD mother).  All undiagnosed and and in denial.  This may be the first day of my REAL recovery.

The way I have been treated is real, it is not my imagination, and is not my fault (other than staying in and not doing enough work on myself).  I really did not realize that BPD was real (in fact I just posted a query to that effect). I now know this is real.  How do I recover, how to I approach the BPDw, how do I set boundaries, how do I protect myself? These are the challenges.  Until 3 days ago I thought I was alone.

[Skip]

Here is the link... .

Article: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.

At first, a Borderline female [or male] may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued" - looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But, suggests Roger Melton, MS, listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. This is the "number one" rated article on this site.

... .See this feature article

[rescue1]

To all: Melton mentions the four controlling types of BPDs. He doesn't mention the self-blamimg types of this disorder.  Has his book been published or doe anyone know the self-blaming types.  I assume the waif mother may be one.  I think it might also help anticipate the actions of the BPDs in our lives.

Anyone have any information or thoughts?

Thanks!

[diega]

Here is the link... .

Article: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.

At first, a Borderline female [or male] may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued" - looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But, suggests Roger Melton, MS, listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. This is the "number one" rated article on this site.

... .See this feature article

skip, this article really scared me. it made me think i am borderline based on the first part of the article.

i DO feel strongly about this person i like... .and i am shy around him... .i dont know if it shows that i hang on his words... but i feel this way.

he's an instructor in an art class... .many women flirt with him etc... i never do... but i feel stronlgy about him... think he's great... .etc etc.

my god... is this unhealthy? am  i nuts?

[textodd11]

WOW!

This article is EXACTLY how me and my current wife's relationship evolved!  I can't believe how accurate it is.  I always thought that, just as Melton mentioned, there was "something" changing and it was confirmed recently.  My current (2nd) wife was just diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago after she started having incredibly wild mood swings following a change in her anti-depressant medicines.  It's gotten progressively worse and now the "Hater" has emerged.

I told her that until she gets regulated, she should go stay with her parents whenever I have custody of my son. (Every other week)  This caused extreme anger in her.  The difference is that she usually bottles it up and becomes extremely depressed until she physically breaks down.  This time, the anger has reared its ugly head and I can't have her around my son.  It's not good or safe for him or me.

[Sea Glass Maiden]

I posted a link to this video and got some very grateful responses and dialog on my Facebook page.  My BPD fiance posted many inappropriet things on my FB wall and then posted  that I was attempting a suicide and for everyone to call him, although he left a bogus phone number and the incident was not true... .many of my family and friends had already had concerns about his outragious behaviours but there was no explaination for it.  I couldn't explain it either.  I also couldn't understand why I was so attracted to him.  After doing some reasearch it all make sense and now my heart is able to catch up with my head. 

[Chief]

Yes this article really hits home.  During his rages I'd say "You act like you really don't like me."  and "If you hate me so much than just go."  "I've never in my life had a relationship where we argued like this one" 

He tell me that it's normal.  At least I know better

[ange2278]

My husband pointed this article out to me, and my first reaction was total shock that this is how he sees me (yeah... .that's my victim mentality  ). Although the article was spot on with describing how I progressed in my relationship with my husband, it offered no solution. The article had a very accusatory tone that led me to believe this was a man venting and berating past relationships with BPD women... .not a good way to come across to your audience when you are trying to help.

My only suggestion is that the author not only point out the big white elephant in the room, but give some examples of how to deal with it other than a short disclaimer that it is about a BPD not in therapy. If all BPD are as stubborn as I am, it will take more than pointing out my flaws. In fact, that seems counter-productive in this case. After all, we love to play the victim card!

[GottaBTru]

I found this was exactly the progression of my relationship with my BPDSO, but my SO was completely asexual 95% of the relationship, avoiding nor giving affection.

[cehlers55]

This article is totally top notch. The beginning of the relationship is great. DEEP connection. A deep intimacy and sharing. No normal testing of the water from her... .Then a few small cycles of crazy that I am constantly rescuing her from. and rescuing our relationship (she never backs down or admits any fault). Little by little I say and do so many things that I know aren't true (all to satisfy the insanity in her) I do so many of these things that I lose myself in the process. I lose my sense of knowing what is right and normal. My belief in the good of other people and relationships that I thought were good. (You can only be told that your closest most important people in your life are devils so many times, after months and months you start to believe it). I became isolated, lost and confused. Outwardly no one knew. In public, even among close friends, all was "normal" and fun. After a few more serious months of trouble she revealed herself. 2.5 years married at the time and she tells me "If we have a child, I'll never be comfortable with the child alone with ANYONE in your family". A child. A child of mine. If conceived, will only be a pawn in a never ending power/control struggle.

So I left.

[KezBPD86]

Regarding the article 'evolving relationships with a Borderline Personality Disorder'. 

I can acknowledge that the article is aimed in the interests of achieving greater understanding of BPD and does outline some of the core traits of BPD. However, the article appears to be condemning of BPD sufferers and fails to acknowledge that a BPD sufferer has a serious illness. The article portrays BPD as a consciously malicious set of behaviours and does not include the fact that BPD sufferers can have meaningful relationships and are capable over coming the barriers of their illness.

      I am psychology student and a BPD sufferer. BPD does present many negative behaviours, many which the article does give an honest account of but it lacks factual information of BPD, foremost, that the sufferer posses any qualities beyond their illness. One does not choose to suffer from BPD, in a similar way one does not choose to suffer any painful illness. A serious illness: is a serious illness and requires the help and support, the article written does not explicitly recognise this.

In my opinion, the article should acknowledge the illness in all it's entirety or not at all. If I read the article without an educated and experienced point of view I would possibly believe that those with BPD are void of honest, genuine emotions and are bad people. For someone with little understanding of BPD this is a serious mis-representation of the illness and is not an accurate or helpful account of the illness.

  :sign_attn:I would strongly recommend that family/partners and sufferers themselves look at how positive relationships can be achieved with a BPD sufferer. My sole reason for posting is that one could read the said article and believe that life with or as a BPD sufferer cannot possibly be happy or honest and that is not true. 




I would like to conclude that the article should be adapted to offer a more informative and recognise BPD as an illness that is not a matter of choice and that a sufferer will need help from a healthcare professional. Promoting the awareness that BPD can be a life-threatening illness and avoid stigmatising the disorder.