Looking back....

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Two years ago last night, I joined an internet forum called "The Nook." I remember the evening pretty well. I was panicked, shaking, on the verge of tears, lonely, confused, hurt and scared. I was shattered from what I thought was the most horrific woman I had ever met. It wasnt new territory to me, for I had been there several times before. When I registered, I had been reading for a while, because of my womans diagnoses seven years prior. Just 3 weeks before registering, I walked out of her life with confidence, determination, and resolve. It was a great decision, and one I had looked forward to. But then, on February 5th, I crashed.

Ive had 2 complete years to think about it, learn about it, analyze it, and grow. I have spent just over 91 days online here and have accumulated over 3000 posts. I have probably looked deeper into my own being than most here have, and I did it because I dont ever want to do it ever again. So allow me to say a few things about that guy 2 years ago.

He was a pretty good guy, naive, but still a good guy. To tell you the truth, I kind of miss him. How he use to frollick around in his ignorance when the times were good. When they were bad, he cried, but seemed to bounce back really well when they turned around. I see why now, and I see what happened to set himself up for a life altering hurt, and a long road back to a person he never was, but needed to be to achieve his dreams.

This guy had a couple of problems that all came together to form the perfect emotional storm. His biggest flaw was, he put his happiness ball in someone elses court. Easy to do really. He depended on people to make him happy, and had been doing that since his childhood, because of his experiences as a child. Id say it was self esteem, but he really thought he was a good guy, righteous and moral. He knew that he could do whatever he put his mind to, and not only do it well, but be one of the best at whatever it was he was doing. He also learned that he was flexible, and could handle pretty much anything you could throw at him, and come out on top. He was an intelligent guy, but didnt go to college. He had lived a very exciting life, packing more into his then 36 years than most people do in a lifetime. Self esteem wasnt the total issue here.

What he did do was bank everything on a woman that he knew from the start wasnt right for him. You see, it was his confidence that he was flexible, and could make anything work that enabled him. He thought he could do it, fix it, deal with it, and come through it. He saw her as a diamond in the rough. He thought he fell in love with her, and in all actuality, probably did, but what he really did was get addicted to her. You see, there were these extreme highs that he just loved, and worshiped. He felt so good when those times were present. Finally, he had what he thought he deserved out of life. But then came the lows. Those were horrible for him, but he could do it, fix it, make it better. And it appeared that he did, because it would cycle back to a high, and he would feel validated in his ignorance. Seems to me that this guy is a fixer, not only a fixer, but a cocky, confident one at that.

When he left her 2 years and 3 weeks ago, he did so thinking that this was the last time, and was resolute in his thinking. He was tired, and done. He had finally given up on his ideas that he could fix her, and wanted to move on. He was admitting defeat to himself for the first time, and Ill tell you, it was a bitter pill for him to swallow. He stayed confident for a little while, but then the addiction kicked in, and he wanted back. He had been through this several times, and never really hurt like this, but then again, he hadnt admitted defeat either. This was the second strike against him, defeat, and then the realization of addiction. Time for strike 3.

Usually in the past, the break-up would last awhile, and she would always have a new boyfriend. No biggie, he knew the drill. But this time, it was different. He still thought he could fix it, but only 3 months into the break-up, she married another man. That put him down to the mat, and he couldnt get back up. It was something that never happened before, absolute finality.

After she married, just 6 days later, the "re-engagements" started. Looking back, I have a problem with this word "Re-engagement." What is a re-engagement? We all know what we describe as a re-engagement, but let me tell you what it really is. A "Re-engagement" is an opportunity for us to get back in because we want to either consciencly, or subconsciencely. You see, its only communication. The difference is either that we see it as an opportunity to go back, or we are afraid we are going to go back. Once we close the door in our hearts and minds, there are no more re-engagements, just crazy conversations. If you are experiencing re-engagements in your mind, you are telling yourself that you either want to go back, or are scared that you will go back.

I took her in twice as a married woman, against my better judgement, and against my thoughts, only to be hurt again. I was addicted. I needed help. I had started therapy, and it went really well. I slipped into a deep depression, and sought out medication for it. I wanted the albatross from around my neck, yet it was too heavy for me to lift on my own.

There are many things I have learned on my road. The first thing is that you cant derive happiness from other people. You have to give it to yourself. You also have to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone to truly love you. You also have to respect yourself. By placing boundaries and not being afraid to walk away from someone you care about because they are toxic, you respect yourself. But Ill tell you, the thing I learned most about my experience, is that people are good, and they deserve respect and trust. Sure there are those out there that dont, but if I continue to give myself happiness, love and respect myself, I will see those people pretty quickly. I have had one person who I couldnt trust in my life like all of us have had, but if I am truthfull and honest, there are almost 10,000 people here who have not only earned my respect and trust, but deserve it. 10,000 to one, how can I ignore those odds?

As for me, Ive learned to love again, trust again, and I have learned how important that guy in the mirror is. Ill never sacrifice him for something I want, or dream about something that isnt there. I will always view someones actions to see if their words match If there is a conflict, I will focus on their actions, and let the words drop. I will accept everyone that comes into my life for what they are, not what I want them to be. Instead of placing a sqare peg in a round hole, I will let people find their own spot in my life, rather than trying to force them in the empty spot that I want filled. Most importantly, I will be a friend to myself. I will live every minute of everyday with myself, noone will ever spend as much time with me as I will, so I will take care of myself, even to the point of hurting myself briefly for a longer term happiness.

Thank you all for the last 2 years, I couldnt have done it without you. 

[PDQuick]

Two years ago last night, I joined an internet forum called "The Nook." I remember the evening pretty well. I was panicked, shaking, on the verge of tears, lonely, confused, hurt and scared. I was shattered from what I thought was the most horrific woman I had ever met. It wasnt new territory to me, for I had been there several times before. When I registered, I had been reading for a while, because of my womans diagnoses seven years prior. Just 3 weeks before registering, I walked out of her life with confidence, determination, and resolve. It was a great decision, and one I had looked forward to. But then, on February 5th, I crashed.

Ive had 2 complete years to think about it, learn about it, analyze it, and grow. I have spent just over 91 days online here and have accumulated over 3000 posts. I have probably looked deeper into my own being than most here have, and I did it because I dont ever want to do it ever again. So allow me to say a few things about that guy 2 years ago.

He was a pretty good guy, naive, but still a good guy. To tell you the truth, I kind of miss him. How he use to frollick around in his ignorance when the times were good. When they were bad, he cried, but seemed to bounce back really well when they turned around. I see why now, and I see what happened to set himself up for a life altering hurt, and a long road back to a person he never was, but needed to be to achieve his dreams.

This guy had a couple of problems that all came together to form the perfect emotional storm. His biggest flaw was, he put his happiness ball in someone elses court. Easy to do really. He depended on people to make him happy, and had been doing that since his childhood, because of his experiences as a child. Id say it was self esteem, but he really thought he was a good guy, righteous and moral. He knew that he could do whatever he put his mind to, and not only do it well, but be one of the best at whatever it was he was doing. He also learned that he was flexible, and could handle pretty much anything you could throw at him, and come out on top. He was an intelligent guy, but didnt go to college. He had lived a very exciting life, packing more into his then 36 years than most people do in a lifetime. Self esteem wasnt the total issue here.

What he did do was bank everything on a woman that he knew from the start wasnt right for him. You see, it was his confidence that he was flexible, and could make anything work that enabled him. He thought he could do it, fix it, deal with it, and come through it. He saw her as a diamond in the rough. He thought he fell in love with her, and in all actuality, probably did, but what he really did was get addicted to her. You see, there were these extreme highs that he just loved, and worshiped. He felt so good when those times were present. Finally, he had what he thought he deserved out of life. But then came the lows. Those were horrible for him, but he could do it, fix it, make it better. And it appeared that he did, because it would cycle back to a high, and he would feel validated in his ignorance. Seems to me that this guy is a fixer, not only a fixer, but a cocky, confident one at that.

When he left her 2 years and 3 weeks ago, he did so thinking that this was the last time, and was resolute in his thinking. He was tired, and done. He had finally given up on his ideas that he could fix her, and wanted to move on. He was admitting defeat to himself for the first time, and Ill tell you, it was a bitter pill for him to swallow. He stayed confident for a little while, but then the addiction kicked in, and he wanted back. He had been through this several times, and never really hurt like this, but then again, he hadnt admitted defeat either. This was the second strike against him, defeat, and then the realization of addiction. Time for strike 3.

Usually in the past, the break-up would last awhile, and she would always have a new boyfriend. No biggie, he knew the drill. But this time, it was different. He still thought he could fix it, but only 3 months into the break-up, she married another man. That put him down to the mat, and he couldnt get back up. It was something that never happened before, absolute finality.

After she married, just 6 days later, the "re-engagements" started. Looking back, I have a problem with this word "Re-engagement." What is a re-engagement? We all know what we describe as a re-engagement, but let me tell you what it really is. A "Re-engagement" is an opportunity for us to get back in because we want to either consciencly, or subconsciencely. You see, its only communication. The difference is either that we see it as an opportunity to go back, or we are afraid we are going to go back. Once we close the door in our hearts and minds, there are no more re-engagements, just crazy conversations. If you are experiencing re-engagements in your mind, you are telling yourself that you either want to go back, or are scared that you will go back.

I took her in twice as a married woman, against my better judgement, and against my thoughts, only to be hurt again. I was addicted. I needed help. I had started therapy, and it went really well. I slipped into a deep depression, and sought out medication for it. I wanted the albatross from around my neck, yet it was too heavy for me to lift on my own.

There are many things I have learned on my road. The first thing is that you cant derive happiness from other people. You have to give it to yourself. You also have to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone to truly love you. You also have to respect yourself. By placing boundaries and not being afraid to walk away from someone you care about because they are toxic, you respect yourself. But Ill tell you, the thing I learned most about my experience, is that people are good, and they deserve respect and trust. Sure there are those out there that dont, but if I continue to give myself happiness, love and respect myself, I will see those people pretty quickly. I have had one person who I couldnt trust in my life like all of us have had, but if I am truthfull and honest, there are almost 10,000 people here who have not only earned my respect and trust, but deserve it. 10,000 to one, how can I ignore those odds?

As for me, Ive learned to love again, trust again, and I have learned how important that guy in the mirror is. Ill never sacrifice him for something I want, or dream about something that isnt there. I will always view someones actions to see if their words match If there is a conflict, I will focus on their actions, and let the words drop. I will accept everyone that comes into my life for what they are, not what I want them to be. Instead of placing a sqare peg in a round hole, I will let people find their own spot in my life, rather than trying to force them in the empty spot that I want filled. Most importantly, I will be a friend to myself. I will live every minute of everyday with myself, noone will ever spend as much time with me as I will, so I will take care of myself, even to the point of hurting myself briefly for a longer term happiness.

Thank you all for the last 2 years, I couldnt have done it without you. 

[TonyC]

it was all you my brother...some just cleaned the smudges off your glasses...

[harmony1]

wow pdquick..I am always inspired by your posts  that was touching 

[crystal]

Thanks for sharing and Congratulations. 

You have learned so much and shared so much.

The first thing is that you cant derive happiness from other people. You have to give it to yourself. You also have to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone to truly love you. You also have to respect yourself. By placing boundaries and not being afraid to walk away from someone you care about because they are toxic, you respect yourself. But Ill tell you, the thing I learned most about my experience, is that people are good, and they deserve respect and trust. Sure there are those out there that dont, but if I continue to give myself happiness, love and respect myself, I will see those people pretty quickly. I have had one person who I couldnt trust in my life like all of us have had, but if I am truthfull and honest, there are almost 10,000 people here who have not only earned my respect and trust, but deserve it. 10,000 to one, how can I ignore those odds?

As for me, Ive learned to love again, trust again, and I have learned how important that guy in the mirror is. Ill never sacrifice him for something I want, or dream about something that isnt there. I will always view someones actions to see if their words match If there is a conflict, I will focus on their actions, and let the words drop. I will accept everyone that comes into my life for what they are, not what I want them to be. Instead of placing a sqare peg in a round hole, I will let people find their own spot in my life, rather than trying to force them in the empty spot that I want filled. Most importantly, I will be a friend to myself. I will live every minute of everyday with myself, noone will ever spend as much time with me as I will, so I will take care of myself, even to the point of hurting myself briefly for a longer term happiness.

Words for us all to live by.

thank you.

Crys

[Shanley]

PDQ, your posts are always so inspiring! Thank you.

[PDQuick]

Just two years ago today, I wrote what was probably my most angry post here on this board. I was at the bottom, and it was this day that made me want to be a happier, healthier, more positive person. I didnt like the person I saw in the mirror here, and vowed to myself to never allow him to control me ever again. I have made a few slips here and there, but those feelings dont control my life anymore, I do.

Today is my birthday

Its is supposed to be about me

what gives you the right to invade my dreams

what gives you the right to encompass my thoughts

What gives you the right to tear me down to a crying, helpless person

i am better than this

i deserve better than you

my time would be better spent on productive things

My tears should be saved for joy, or a real person that cares

My heart deserves better

my talents are suited for better people

This is my day darn it, get out of my freaking head you worthless piece of sht butt you.

Im tired of all the tears.Tired!

I wish I had never met you

I wish I never cared

Damn you, goto hell.

You arent worth it and I am

Its just like you to ruin this

just like you

I hate you, get the hell out of my life, my head and my very existence.

Drop dead, you selfish butt. I hate you!

Are you happy now

do you take pride in this

One day you will see

One day you will see

One day, just maybe that you will realize, that you meant everything to me

and you threw it all away

and worst of all

it shattered my very existence

go away

just pick up your ..your...whatever and just go the hell away.

I hate you

i hate you

asnd worst of all, I hate me for letting you do this to me

another day wasted

another day gone,

one more that I cant enjoy

when will your hole be filled

will it

as i have no more to give

nothing left to cast into your emptiness

nothing

just go away, and take this pain and so called love with you'

i dont need it anymore

GO AWAY YOU IN hit_

[LivingWell]

PDQ,  Thank you for sharing on your birthday.  You are one of the most giving people I know.  xoxo

[Mousse]

  And look at you now...an inspiration to examine ourselves, to grow, to forgive. 

You are Dy-no-mite! 

You're the top!

You're the Coliseum.

You're the top!

You're the Louvre Museum.

You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss

You're a Bendel bonnet,

A Shakespeare's sonnet,

You're Mickey Mouse.

You're the Nile,

You're the Tower of Pisa,

You're the smile on the Mona Lisa

You're the top!

You're a dance in Bali.

You're the top!

You're a hot tamale.

You're an angel, you,

Simply too, too, too diveen,

You're a Boticcelli,

You're Keats,

You're Shelly!

You're Ovaltine!

You're Whistler's mama!

You're camembert!


(Forgive me, Cole Porter - I chose my favorite parts.  Love this song )

xoxox

[gary1958]

Hey PD.. Funny, Im out 2 years in a couple of weeks. And in reading your post it seems funny how we all make the same trip and eventually come to the same self truths. I agree whole heartedly with what you said. Maybe this was a lesson for us to look inside and fix us. I know I have learned so much about myself in these past 2 years and feel so much more healthier for it. Thanks for all of you inspiring posts, especially directed at me during my bumbling emotional basketcase stage..

[Chili]

Gary - Hey babe! How you doing?