Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 29, 2017, 04:37:03 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Borderline personality disorder: statistics Read here
Administrator: heartandwhole
Moderators: Meili, once removed
Member support team: gotbushels, Tattered Heart, Turkish, wendydarling, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
Pages: 1 ... 3 [4]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship  (Read 71556 times)
JoannaK
DSA Recipient
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 26354



« Reply #30 on: August 13, 2009, 03:39:25 PM »

Quote
Do  accept that she’s doing the best she can with limited capabilities

Perhaps...  if she has acknowledged her issues and is in/considering recovery.  But some with BPD will at times actually want to hurt the non intentionally... they may want to "get back".
Logged



HeartOfaBuddha
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 469


« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2009, 08:57:28 AM »

You know - it's good to see someone with experience say this.  I think sometimes on the staying board we be too inclined to excuse deliberate behavior with  "they can't help it"  and maybe sometimes they can?  I wonder what the line is?  How can we tell? I honestly don't think things can get to a healthy point unless the BPD person does acknowledge the issue.

Peace & Metta
Logged
JoannaK
DSA Recipient
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 26354



« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2009, 10:05:29 AM »

Well, in a way "they can't help it" because their brains are not wired in a correct, healthy way.  But that doesn't always mean that there isn't negative intent.  My exh said to me at one time that he spent all of our money because he knew that would hurt me.  So the miswired part of his brain needed to get back at me (for no particular reason), but he did know what he was doing... There was intent in that he wanted to hurt me.

Someone with BPD may be doing things to hurt the partner...  because they are sure that the partner deserves the hurt.  That's where boundaries come in... no matter what the intentions of the BPD person, we can't allow our boundaries to be violated.  In my case, I should have been more careful with access to money so that he didn't spend all of it.

 
Logged

Ice Man
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 115


« Reply #33 on: December 25, 2009, 09:15:40 AM »

but if they're beating themselves up emotionally, what do you do- agree? Say, no you're not? I tried just about every reaction.

In my experience, there wasn't any magic pill.  Finding closure, or meeting of the minds in real time, oftyen just couldn't be reached.  Things could only be left in some state of chaos... edgey.

Maybe the only relief is within you and your ability to disengage and step away from it.  Accept the chaos and the edgey-ness and the way thing must be and learn how not to worry about it - find emotional relief some other way - with someone else. 

When HE finally wants to talk about it, there is always Randi Kreger's formula; Puvas

Pay attention

Understand fully

Validate emotions

Assert yourself

Shift stuff where it belongs

I found this very helpful.

Emotionally satisfying? No.  A sign of a healthy relationship?  No,   just life with a BPD partner.  And if (or when) you can't find it in yourself to accept this anymore -  you probably need to get out of the relationship.

Just some thoughts - although, my relationship ended, so these are like golf tips from the worst player on the course  smiley

Skippy

Hi Skippy, just have a question for you. I'm sure I'm a worse golfer than you are. Question is:

1. What if she comes back to you and there's something telling you that things might just work out this time after a long time battling this, you and her..? Will you revive it?

*I wonder since you're initiator of this Site and sound really compassionate and helpful, after all this work, . . don't you want to achieve something ?

and also there profile of yours don't say much about the whole story, and how it is ending, is she living alone now?

Thanks for this Site.

and Merry Christmas !       

john.
Logged
united for now
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Other
Posts: 11103


Talking about solutions create solutions


« Reply #34 on: July 09, 2010, 09:46:59 AM »

Change isn't easy. The way you feel about them ( RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ), the way you listen to them ( EMPATHETIC LISTENING ), the way you comm with them ( VALIDATION ), the way you respond to them ( BOUNDARIES ), all of these are tools that we use to stop making things worse so that we can begin to make them better.

It takes time and a lot of practice, but as you change - they are forced to change too.

If we stop following and instead take the lead we will see a difference   messenger3
Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
LivingWBPDWife


Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 40


« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2015, 02:35:56 AM »

Skip,

This is so great to hear, its funny since all these things have been rolling around in my mind, and as I read more and more BPD experiences and tactics to survive, its almost scary how similar everyone's experiences are -- on the other hand, its also depressing since everything you say is correct IMO. And I did NOT get married for this. But, we had a baby, and now until I have a better option that splitting up this family I am stuck. So, I have to learn to live with it.
Logged
unicorn2014
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 2545


« Reply #36 on: September 06, 2015, 03:50:01 AM »

Quote
Some of you are thinking  you've got a patient and a project not a partner.

I look at it as  someone who has suffered abuse.

Its all in the wording and wording reflects ones feelings and thoughts about people.

I don't think its productive to keep thinking in terms that your partner is just a patient and a project.

This puts them in a "less than"  pitying type of framework   



Perhaps thinking about a BPD partner as a patient or a project does put them in a "less than" framework, but, on the other hand, a non simply cannot expect the same kind of relationship with a person who has BPD as he/she can with someone more emotionally stable and mature.  It's a different relationship, and the person trying to connect with someone with BPD needs to understand that.  All of the Dos and Don'ts wouldn't be necessary if one was dealing with a partner, an "equal".  It doesn't mean that they are worth less as a human being, but it does mean that you have different expectations, different "rules" if you are interacting with this person. 

Many of the frustrations of non's in these kinds of relationships are due to having the same expectations of the relationship as one would have with someone who doesn't have BPD.  If you want to survive in the relationship, you need to cut your expectations down, wayyyy down.  You will have to be a parent, a project leader, even a "doctor" at times, even as you work to maintain your own dignity and sense of self.  If you are trying to have a romantic relationship, a marriage, with this person, you have to accept these roles, these functions, and give up your ideas about what a romantic relationship, a marriage "should" be.  Even if the BPD person is in active recovery, it may take years before you can have the envisioned relationship.. if at all.

"Radical acceptance"...   Doesn't mean it is necessarily bad or good, but it means that it is different, and the person in the relationship needs to understand and accept that.

thank you for this, they are some of the wisest words on this thread. Expectation management is key. Of course the same issues are going to happen over and over again. We can respond differently however.
Logged
Helpmate

Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #37 on: March 06, 2017, 06:25:37 PM »

I truly appreciate these posts.  smiley  I have also decided to stay in our relationship, and indeed people have no idea how to help you as Mamabear expresses.  I am not blaming them.  I was there before my current situation.  I am new here in this site.  My dear husband has BP traits and other issues that have been diagnosed.  He has suffered much in his life.  I know I want to be there for him, but I have come to realize that I first need to deal with my issues, take care of myself and build a support system, so I can be there for him. 
Logged
SurvivingBP17

Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #38 on: May 20, 2017, 08:43:00 PM »


In my experience, there wasn't any magic pill.  Finding closure, or meeting of the minds in real time, oftyen just couldn't be reached.  Things could only be left in some state of chaos... edgey.

Maybe the only relief is within you and your ability to disengage and step away from it.  Accept the chaos and the edgey-ness and the way thing must be and learn how not to worry about it - find emotional relief some other way - with someone else. 

When HE finally wants to talk about it, there is always Randi Kreger's formula; Puvas

Pay attention

Understand fully

Validate emotions

Assert yourself

Shift stuff where it belongs

I found this very helpful.

Emotionally satisfying? No.  A sign of a healthy relationship?  No,   just life with a BPD partner.  And if (or when) you can't find it in yourself to accept this anymore -  you probably need to get out of the relationship.

Just some thoughts - although, my relationship ended, so these are like golf tips from the worst player on the course  smiley

Skippy

Skip

I am siting in this dilemma right now.  Communication lines have been completely cut off and I am going to try the method of weathering the storm.  Hopefully I have the strength.  In the past I would cave to the irrational desires in order to stop the SI.  It has been incredibly difficult thus far.  And while I don't worry about any lasting harm, I know that down the road there will be regret and pain. 
Logged
Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

Google+(Member)
Google+ (Professional)
BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Pages: 1 ... 3 [4]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

RSS Feed Widget
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2017, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!