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Think About It... Rumination is a mode of responding to distress that involves repetitively and passively focusing on symptoms of distress and on the possible causes and consequences. Ruminating often precedes onset of depression. However, emotional memory can be managed for those who are haunted by the experiences of their past. ~Joseph Carver, Ph.D
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Author Topic: 2.09 | Stopping Circular Arguments  (Read 46689 times)
Panda39
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1825



« Reply #50 on: October 07, 2015, 07:21:47 PM »

Hi mikejones75093,

You might want to check out information on validation. As I understand validation, it isn't that you validate something you disagree with (the thing you are arguing about).  It is about validating the feelings the pwBPD is experiencing in a genuine way so they feel heard. 

Below are a couple of links regarding "Validation"

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0;all

Also you want to try avoiding J.A.D.Eing  (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain) because they can be invalidating and keep that pesky argument going in circles.  Just something to keep in mind.

Take Care,

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink


atomic popsicles
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #51 on: May 28, 2016, 11:23:18 AM »

I was copying this to read daily...or a hundred times a day... and I was writing notes for the JADE acronym. I could not remember the "E" and decided it meant "explode". Oops!
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NoMas

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #52 on: June 25, 2016, 01:06:07 PM »

I no longer worry about right or wrong. I no longer worry about entitlement. I gave up on self-righteousness a while back.

I hate to argue. I hate it with a passion a pointless arguement.

So, I just walk away now. Even have a boundary in place to deal with this one.

"I will not allow my self to be dragged into pointless conversations/arguments that go round and round and never get any where."

I think I used to worry about being falsely accused of something. I really do not like being told I've done something when I haven't.

I wish I could just walk away. He won't leave me alone. I tried to set a boundary 2 years ago wherein he is not allowed to keep me from leaving the house if I'm frustrated and need a break (he would physically block my exit). He said he understood that when we get into circular arguments I get very emotionally upset and that I need to go for a quick walk to calm down, and he agreed that this was a good coping mechanism for me. He agreed to it but lately has slipped back into old habits. We were having a circular argument last week and I told him I needed to go for a walk and that we'd continue the argument after my walk, when I'd had a chance to cool off. He tried to keep me from leaving the house. He swears he only does it because he's afraid I'll leave and never come back. But that's a ridiculous excuse. Why would I leave and never come back with nothing but the clothes on my back? Plus, our history has proven to him (and he's admitted it) that I always come back within 20 minutes after having had a chance to calm down. Now he's insisting he is keeping me from leaving the house during arguments because he knows I am emotionally upset and he's afraid I'll hurt myself (though I've never given him reason to think I'd hurt myself). I feel trapped, and that only adds to the problems between us.
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Eightyeight

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #53 on: June 26, 2016, 05:50:47 PM »

When my girlfriend is upset (not with me), she stays quiet. Before she asked me to help her think about things that will distract her, so that's what I do. However she doesn't say anything back, it feels like talking to a wall. I get fustrated because it feels like what she asked me to do isn't working. I eventually say that I'll step out but if she needs me, she can come to me. She then gets upset with me and it adds to her already upset emotion. We start to argue because I get confused with what she expects or needs. And she goes on about blaming me for never trying enough to make her feel better or be there enough to support her.

How should I respond? Validate that she's upset in the first place and leave her alone in a room to cool down? Or stick around and pretend I'm not affected by the negativity?

What I also don't like is that sometimes she tells me I should do this or shouldn't do that to support her, but I don't see that from her when we reverse situations...
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Lonely123

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Person in your life: Friend
Posts: 4


« Reply #54 on: January 01, 2017, 04:13:10 AM »

I'm worried that my friend views it as him winning and me being in the wrong. Its like he then just thinks he is allowed to shout and argue with me because "it's my fault". I hope this makes sense and someone can help.
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kahlersj


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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #55 on: January 16, 2017, 04:18:52 PM »

I don't think I make empathy statements well and they're taken badly.  Until now I would make a comment that "I'm sorry you feel that way" and my gf would only become enraged that I was placating her that way.  Can someone recommend a better way to make a statement of empathy?
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impromptus


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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 16


« Reply #56 on: June 25, 2017, 12:35:02 AM »

I'm worried that my friend views it as him winning and me being in the wrong. Its like he then just thinks he is allowed to shout and argue with me because "it's my fault". I hope this makes sense and someone can help.
This is exactly how I feel. It seems to be condoning the behavior, in the sense that I can tell her "you don't make sense to me at the moment, I hear you are blaming me and I am going to end the conversation here". She says something like "You see, you treat me like a borderline, this is exactly what I am talking about", and so on.

But maybe it's just that they find another thread to pull, unraveling our self-esteem and triggering our defense mechanisms...
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