Weird presents - anybody else have this experience from BPD/NPD parents?

[ThursdayNext]

My uNPD father has always done this and I wanted to see if anybody else out there has similar experiences. Gives you space to vent, people, if you need!

Am late 30s and since my early 20s anything my father bought me (okay, the fact that he bought me anything was actually pretty rare and usually meant he wanted a favour, but let's skip that bit for the moment)... .

Anyway, since my mid-20s, *every* gift he's given me has been weird or broken or inappropriate in some way.

Examples:

* an old, old laptop computer, which still had all his files on it, including his business files about clients, personal diary/journal etc(ick! stumbled across it as it wasn't labelled 'journal/diary' and boy was I out of there fast; and gave computer back to him saying I would wait until he'd had time to remove his files as felt uncomfortable having access to what should be secure information; his idea was that he would use what was now 'my' computer as a backup for his business stuff, which of course would mean he could dip into my files while using 'my' computer! No way!)

* when I was early 30s, a really thick, junky glass cat that was on a plastic base; you were supposed to turn on the switch and it flashed from purple to green to whatever. A 12yr old female friend of mine thought it was great but that was the point - it was a gift for a kid.

* Christmas 2009: an outfit for a 7yr old child, bought on an o/s trip. Okay - is that for the child I'm supposed to have, the child he thinks I am or what? I don't really want to know, actually!

There are many more, so many that a guy I grew up with phones me to find out what 'dad crap' I've been given this time!

So far the 'best ever' award goes to the 'Japanese doll' - you know, those dolls in kimonos, usually orange with black trim, that stand on pedestals under glass cases. All the fashion in the 60s, 70s. The one father-dear-father bought me was a) dusty and mouldy (from a 2nd hand shop) and b) the case was broken but I was expected to repair it and treasure it.

This because for a short time when I was 11-13, I'd learnt Japanese (for about 3months) and read books about Japanese culture.

The 'best ever' gift was 2yrs ago, when I was 36. Unfortunately (oh, so sad) it broke - might have had something to do with the fact that I bashed it against a door frame until the head came off. 

Come on, share, people - I can't be the only one on the boards who has this kind of thing happen?

[sandpiper]

My mother's family liked to 'regift'.

I read Judith Lucy's memoir and gurgled when she recounted the same thing happening in her family.

My sister used to be really good at giving gifts until she met NPD husband and I think the drugs started to really fry her brain.

On the regifting subject, at one point she offered me up this ugly scratchy silk and lace underwear from BIL's last trip to The Orient.

He must have been smacked out of his brain in some opium den or other because he bought her this set that was too small to fit onto me (Asian bones + glandular fever = size 6 at the time, much stronger size 8 now)... .anyway, My Evil one has inherited the giant genes and is 6 feet tall and could squeeze into a size 12.  BIL was always on at her about her weight - I have no idea why because she's gorgeous and we're all three naturally inclined to be slim.

So she passed it onto me and I passed it onto lifeline.

She went through a phase of trying to buy clothes for me but she must have been really stoned when she was shopping because they'd all be the wrong size.  Nice things.  Or else they'd be frilly, and I'm not frilly.  (I spike, I do not frill... .)

in the end I told her I appreciated the effort but perhaps vouchers might be a better idea as I have such an awkward time getting things to fit me.

It worked for a while.

God it would be nice if you could put something in their drinking water to medicate them.  Evilsis was good company, once upon a time.

Oh well.

[joiesophie]

Welll, not from the parents - does the probably waif u BPD sister count?

She has given me stuffed teddy bears for Christimas for a number of years.  As an adult.  I never said I liked, wanted them, needed them... .

She did give me a really pretty quilt - that I have stored away for the day that I'm not so confused about our relationship. 

We're LC and right now, no contact because of her choice.  She hasn't called me for anything yet.  I invited her by snail mail to a REALLY important thing for me for church, and she didn't answer, call, e-mail. I think she talked to my u BPD mother - who can't remember things alll the time 'cause of memory issues.

I will have to say, my u BPD mother would spend lots and lots of time looking for the right card - her cards to me were spot on - maybe there is a part of her that understands what mothers and daughters can be to each other ... .I saved the cards.  The waif sends me sentimental cards - that I wish she really could mean... .  You've got to walk the walk, though.

Thanks for asking!

js

[worriedmom]

Oh yes the joys of the duh gifts!

I am a casual, jeans and sweater, socks and clogs kinda person but for years the mother each year would give me a frilly blouse or too tight sweater, a skirt and jacket or blazer. Sometimes a dress but always a pair of heels, ya know the 3" ankle buster kind. Oh, and the size was always too big because as a 5' petite size 6 she saw me, 5'8, as a giant. As I frequently still hear "I'm going to make a lady out of you". Then there was the "what would you like" question. OK I'd really like a jig saw, what I got -diamond earrings. She has always been just as tone deaf with the grandkids. It's so much easier now that she can't get to the stores she sends me so we all get something we can use/want.

The uBPDsis is just weird when it comes to presents, well, yeah, with other things too. We have given up trying to understand the thought behind the gifts although when asked there is a convoluted story behind the choice and you can always tell who is in the dog house and who is on the pedestal.

[adrift2]

One Word describes Ubpm Mother's gifts... .BATHROBES. Not only does she repeatedly give them, she also asks for you to give them to her... .and my all time favorite was when she found out that I had not been recently using a 10 year old bathrobe she had given me and wanted it back so she could wear it.

This past Christmas I told her she did not need to get us anything... .most of our extended family was not exchanging gifts this year due to  folks with iffy employment and retirement incomes.   I asked my UBPD to just donate a "little" money for a project my DD19 was fundraising for in lue of anything else. Sure enough a box of expensive bathrobes shows up just before Christmas. I returned them to the company since we did not need them and even if she was going to be majorily pissed, which she was, I felt better knowing that the money was back in her account and not being wasted.

[mainedaughter]

I get the gifts mother would like.  The gaudy shiny clothes with rhinestones and beads,    !

I'm a t'shirt and jeans person.  She loves to "dress" me up !

What is a ongoing joke - is what mother gives my dd every year, make-up.  Not decent good for your skin stuff. 

Imagine the 5yr. old kits from the dollar store. The lipstick - bright red- I could touch up the paint on my truck with. The blue and purple eyeshadow that is so dusty, if you open the cover, make sure your not breathing.    And lets not forget the perfume ! I feel almost embarrassed to donate them to charity.           My dd has gotten lucky sometimes, by returning them to the store. Most of the time it's bought at local big box stores, but we have found yard sale and sal. army stickers on some.

Oh, by the way, my dd does not even wear make-up ! 

[tenacity]

I busted out laughing as soon as I saw the title of this thread.  SO TRUE, the weird gifts they give. And then sit back like, don't you love it?

My mom is pretty good at the stuff she gives me... .most of the time. It is more my husband and kids that she buys REALLY off the wall stuff for. The worst thing she bought me was a house warming gift when we moved here, that she just kept building up... .how I would absolutely love it, it was so expensive, blah blah blah... .so I finally open it and can hardly contain my shock. It was the most butt - ugly- plant? made out of different kinds of stone with wire for stems. I am laughing as I'm writing this. It was NOT EVEN close to my style. I kept it in the linen closet for years and only brought it out when she came over, and then finally one day a couple years ago I threw it out. 

For my daughters it has been the WEIRDEST, ugliest clothes from garage sales. Things with sequins on them. Our daughters do not do sequins.   

Yes, they are so good at the weird gifts! This is a great thread!

Denise

[ThursdayNext]

Aaaahhhh.

Thought it couldn't be just me. It's all the PDs in my family, not just my uNPD father as mentioned in original post. Just didn't want to overload everyone with the weirdness!

Keep it coming - this is good for a laugh and heaven knows we could all do with one from time to time! Most of the time!

Included in the 2009 Christmas 'gift' from uNPD father was a box of chocolates of the kind we used to give to his aunt (I don't eat chocolate it gives me migraines; why would he remember that - I only lived with him for 35yrs!) Nothing was wrapped, it had been stuffed in a postbox and packed round with newspaper. His card was full of how he'd just moved and couldn't find the keys to his filing cabinet. No Christmas greeting, nothing. The writing on the box wasn't his, so I'm under the strong impression I was 'staffed out' to one of his weird flunkies (whole nuther thread - who has PDs who employ weird ones to make themselves feel sane?) My guess is flunky was told 'see that pile over there, go through and pick what you think my daughter might like and shove it in a box' Probably didn't bother to tell flunky my age, hence outfit for 7yr old!

Doesn't sting me anymore, just wish he **wouldn't send anything**! Hurts my darling mum, though, as she keeps wishing someone in the family would have some idea of who I am - other than her, that is.

uNPD/BPD bro is pretty much the same - gives me the music he thinks I *ought* to listen to (i.e. what he and his wife like), or 'trinkets' (I hate dust collectors, even pretty ones, cos I have to dust them) or one time, socks. (At that time I didn't wear socks with my shoes, was still working and wore stockings). I now get staffed out to his wife who knows me even less well and is a very girly girl and I'm definitely not.

BPDsis doesn't usually give presents - can't afford them - but if she does they're either spot on or really weird/eccentric.

Eldest sis (a non) gives generic or gift vouchers. I've learnt to cope with gift vouchers but hate them because in my family that's usually a 'couldn't be bothered thinking about it so threw money at it' kind of approach. Make it quick and simple, no thought.

Other thing my PDs try to do is get me a children's book I haven't read/reviewed (it's what I do) - now why would you do that? This is my job (okay, voluntary, but reviews are published and I get sent proofs from publishers etc). So how likely is it that they are going to find a book that I haven't already read/reviewed/heard of? It's become a competition, really. Instead of recognising the area of expertise (I'm not supposed to have expertise; I have a neurological illness they don't believe in, have been unable to work for years, so am a 'failure' in their eyes) they try and tell me how to do it.

Mum takes great delight whenever uNPD/BPD bro passes on a message of 'oh, a good book that TN should read is... .' of saying, 'oh, yes, she read me her review of that a few weeks ago. It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?' 

I've come to the conclusion that gifts for PDs are basically another way of invalidating.

And yes, they expect you to react with 'oh, how wonderful, just what I always wanted, a mouldy, plastic, broken Japanese doll from a second-hand-shop, gee thanks, dad' kind of untrammelled joy.

uNPD father used to do the same to mum. (Unless I organised the gift, which I did for years for mum's sake until I worked out it wasn't helping her realise the reality of the situation). Mum likes dramatic, chunky jewellery - she's tall and slim. Things that are a bit different. So ***if*** father-dear-father bought her jewellery (blue moon occasion) it would be small, neat, appropriate for a short petite person with very conservative tastes - like his mother.

Flowers were the same. He always gave mum the flowers his mother like - red or pink carnations. Mum hates carnations. And has told him so for years. But his mother like them, soo... .

Okay, keep sharing, people - this is going to be fun.

[sandpiper]

I await the day when my 16 yro niece turns up at these boards and tells of how, aged 7, her mother The Queen went out and bought the kid g-strings because she was complaining about how uncomfortable her sports underwear was.  (maybe NPDad had given her a matching set of Asian Whorehouse knickers like they dumped on me)  

Sis had a good long btch to me about her daughter's ingratitude and how she'd insisted that she'd get used to it and would find them much more comfortable.

Generally I have an answer for everything but with BPDsis, I'm just speechless at how much crap she would share with me with no comprehension that I would find it bizarre and off balance.

I tried to tell her that this sort of underwear is something that a woman might choose and just because we are comfortable in them doesn't mean others are... .I told her lots of my friends my age prefer cottontails or whatever and its one of those choices that her daughter can make when she's old enough to go out and shop for her own clothes.

Of course it didn't sink in.

[ThursdayNext]

Ye gods, G-strings for a ***child***?

And can  you imagine what the poor kid had to cop from her peers? Not to mention what any teacher who found out would have thought. (I used to teach - that's a sexual abuse warning loud and clear, seeing/hearing of a child wearing that kind of stuff.)

Yeesh. And I thought your lingerie 'regifting' was a doozy.

Poor kid.

[sandpiper]

Yes.  I was horrified and I rang the school.

I have no doubt that Evilsis was abused when she was in an orphanage aged 4.  I'm trained to see signs of sexual abuse and hadn't seen them in nephew or niece so just interpreted it as 'mother inappropriate and stoned'.

Their father doesn't like children and being a heroin addict I don't think he's likely to have much of a libido anyway, he just wants drugs and his ego fed.

I'm open to the possibility that I could be wrong and if my nephew and niece ever come to me and tell me that x, y or z happened, I will believe them.

[sandpiper]

Oooh!  Tenacity, that fake plant... .that's hilarious.

Last year DH dragged me off to a fundraiser ball for his work... .I was very uncomfortable in the pretty dress but once a year I think its fair to discard the boots, the jeans and the t-shirt   and  don the murderous heels and the frock to make him happy.

So I'm sitting there, thinking, as I do in a dress 'I am a freak, why did I come here?' when the MC drew our attention to the Lovely Plant Sculpture on all of our dining tables.  If you remember the set of Lost In Space it looked like one of those alien plants, crafted all out of metal and melted plastic.  Very ugly, very spectacular.  It was the first thing we'd bonded over when we all sat down 'My, that's ugly.'

So she announced that one lucky person at each table would win this Lovely Plant and we should all rush to check under our seats to see if we'd found the gold star.

DH got lucky and came up with the star.

His workmates, who I don't know all that well, looked at him in horror and said 'Oh no.  What are you going to do with it?  That's horrible.'

I shrugged my shoulders and said 'I dunno.  Christmas, mother-in-law... .problem solved.'

They all just cracked up.

I was amazed how many people took the ugly things home, though.

[adrift2]

Another thing that started transpiring the past few years was Mom taking things I had just purchased and promising that either she or Step Dad would do something to improve it, and I would not see the item again for months if at all and the promised improvement never got done anyway.

I bought a lovely unframed water color  at an art show during a visit to my Aunts house in Sept, right away Mom takes it from me and says Step Dad will build me a wonderful frame for it. Okay... .finally got the picture back at Christmas with a cheap store bought frame.

At the same time I had been hunting for a cheap wrap for my daughter to use at the home coming dance, Mom and I stop by the fabric shop so I can get a yard of something that will match her dress but no one will mind if it gets lost or stolen. Right away Mom takes the fabric and says she will take it home and send it back to me hemmed. They ended going on a last minute trip somewhere and I never did get my fabric back, had to make a last minute run to a fabric store near my house and luckily found the same fabric.  

Another time she starts about how she is making me something very special for another Christmas, made a big fuss about for months even showing my daughter it in July. Finally I get the gift, the box feels empty. There is a note saying they ran out of time and could not get a frame for it. I open it up and find a croched doily the size of an envelope, my last is written in pink highlighter, this is her special gift she's been working on since July. My daughter says tha's  pretty much how it looked in July except for the pink highlighter part. My Aunt and Cousin are both excellent at needlework and quilting, I guess Mom is trying to emulate them.  

[Bunny]

I'd say the theme of my mother's gifts was inappropriately sexy.

And let's not even get into what a totally un-gracious gift recipient she was.  Even when we were kids, if the gift wasn't perfect, she had no qualms about showing her displeasure.

[tenacity]

Ewww- the whole displeasure with your gifts thing! Been there too. Very obvious when they don't like your gift. And you sit there thinking, you have got to be kidding! At least I put some thought into it and tried. AND IT'S NEW . She has even 'threatened' to give me my gifts back, because " what am I supposed to do with this?"  'This' being some delicious chocolates that I bought her because she was going through a very chocolate addicted phase... .how silly of me to think she might like them? 

This whole post is so funny to me. So typical of them. Remember the bedazzler? She would get my kids clothes that looked like someone was learning how to use one, when they made them. Hilariously "dazzled" outfits with GIGANTIC roses and crooked gaudy flowers. She bought my one daughter an outift that my daughter 'lovingly' referred to as her prison outfit... .you guessed it lots of horizontal stripes. And none of it was new---- nope--- garage sale stuff

Denise

[sandpiper]

Oh god, chocolates and the 'nothing is ever good enough'... .listen up, girls... .

I put together a bit of a care package for evilsis's 50th BD.  She went totally psycho, took off out of town where nobody could find her or knew where she was.  I was the only person with enough ESP to figure out where she'd gone and wish her a happy BD.  Was before I knew about the illness but understood CONSEQUEncES of displeasing madam HRH all too well.

So, she gushed over the things that I'd given her and told me that she loved them.  Within days of this I'd fallen foul of her and she'd gone No Speaks, despite me being the only family member to remember her BD... .bizarre - the rest are all forgiven... .anyway, she sent back the gifts in disgust, all except the bag of chocolate coated coffee beans (nobody does them like our local Greek deli)... .DH looked at the crestfallen look on my face as I rifled through the rejected gifts and said 'Its all here except the coffee beans,' and he said 'Maybe it'll come in the next mail and she's just waiting till she's had a bowel movement to send you the nugget.'

I love that man.

[Sasha026]

A plastic bird that chirped and sang "Groovin". Not only that, but you could never turn the darn thing off. A plastic garbage can and lid wrapped individually and last but not least a personally autographed glamor shot of herself.

She took the picture back because it wasn't displayed properly in a spot of distinction. I don't know, I thought the "john" was perfect!

[apples30]

Speaking for my husband.  His uBPD mother has given him some odd gifts in the past 3 years.  The two that seem to really stand out are a small bottle of Bath and Body Works body lotion, Candy Apple.  My husband at the time was 39, we both just shook our heads, why in the world would she give her adult son a bottle of body lotion?  This past birthday,(fall 2008) she gave him a framed picture of herself, this was after all of the more serious issues began in August.  She is on a fixed income and the picture was nice so in some ways we understand.  It was a church directory photo. We both agree it was her way of getting attention, "don't forget about me".  She even asked a few days later if we had put it up in the living room somewhere.  (?) We both agree is was nice but why again would you give your son a picture of yourself for his birthday, she even commented to him as he was opening it , that she hoped it wasn't too "corny". It is very odd with this disorder, She doesn't give him a gift card to a store, an article of clothing, a movie video, typical Guy gifts.  I think he could remind me of other odd gifts in the past but none come to mind other than the ones I mentioned.

[methinkso]

Long overdue for a good gift thread, .

Twice, motherinlaw sent us their family photo for our Christmas gift.

The first one was taken at motherinlaws request for DH to fly to their state (wife's were not allowed in the 'family photo' so this afforded me an excuse to not attend the photo op, ). Another SIL was very angered by this, but you can bet her H didnt' receive just a photo for his Christmas gift. Probably another home.

The second was taken when H flew there for another reason. While I was in the dark about personality disorders then, the message was not lost on me. THIS was the REAL family.

My SIL gave me a photo of her, her DH (my brother) and thier children at the Christmas family gift exchange one year. THAT got some looks from others!

[ThursdayNext]

The photo thing is interesting. Hadn't thought about this much as it's so 'normal' in my family!

Eldest sister (a non) was big about giving family photos when her kids were young - sort of a 'this is your grandchild' kind of thing. I think it was fairly normal from her - no hidden meanings.

But uBPD/whatever Knight Brother is very big on the photo thing - again, the grandchildren. Especially as he doesn't think that my mum is being a 'proper' grandmother as she still works full time and so isn't available for constant babysitting, doesn't visit every weekend etc. (That's a current social issue, too, don't you think? The idea that our parents should mind our children, despite having already 'done' their bit by raising us. Well, for those of us with PDs, they didn't really raise us but you know what I mean.)

Anyway, after birth of his first daughter, shortly after my darling mum left uNPD husband of 47yrs (Knight Bro threw complete hissy fit and treated mum very badly because she didnt' consult him about it - apparently thinks he could have stopped her; accused her of having 'killed' dad etc).

Anyway, after birth of first daughter, Christmas present was a photo of baby. The one he gave mum, darling child had her face all screwed up and looked like she'd just passed wind. Mum was very hurt. Knight Bro was 'all surprised' - though she would 'find it funny'. So mum politely asked for another photo with nicer expression that she could happily 'put on display for others to see how beautiful her new granddaughter was' (my suggested wording. Photo arrived by first mail, appropriate words having been said.

Sigh.

Anybody else get the 'controlling' gifts? The ones that are about interfering with something that is a hobby/interest of yours so that they invade that part of your life as well?

I like photography, have a great new digital SLR, gift from mum c18months ago. Bro only discovered that I had new camera just before Christmas 2008. Gift for Christmas? Gift voucher for the UV filter he thought I ought to have. Sounds nice, right? But thing is that I have a chronic neurological illness which means I have extreme light sensitivity, so can't go outside (unless cloudy or stormy) between 10am and 4-5pm. Has been the case for years, all the family and most of my friends know this. It's just part of my enforced lifestyle.

UV filter is only needed if you are taking photos in intense sunlight or high reflectivity (e.g. water at noon etc). So... .

You get the drift.

My family specialises in the subtle insult via gift, also the controlling present. (i.e. this is what you ought to want/be doing/etc).

Really puts you off birthdays, Christmas etc all the more, doesn't it? Not just the 'drama queen' issues that always arise, but the 'crappy gift' or 'manipulative gift' stuff that happens as well.

Friend had the reverse, though - had an ex who specialised in giving a gift that would press her pleasure buttons, giving something he knew she would really treasure. Not because he loved her, but because it enabled him to control how she reacted. Sort of 'even though you are really angry with me and are threatening to leave, I can still make you feel... .' Ick.

Haven't come across that one much. Anybody else?

[sandpiper]

I think the photo stories deserve their own thread.  Its too weird how we all have the same stories.

Um... .MIL doesn't acknowledge my birthday but every year she sends a birthday card to The Dog.

I pin them up on the toilet wall for the entertainment of our guests, and just in case I ever need concrete evidence that she's completely and utterly cracked.

[Cassy]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcX6rYNp1SI&feature=channel_page

This is what my parents gave me. They gave me other small gifts, too. None were as newsworthy, though. LOL They didn't show up on Christmas because of mother drama... .again!

[DeeEsse]

A sewing machine for my 30-something-th birthday.

Okay this doesn't sound too bad, considering I sew. But get this. It was a heavily used "floor model" obviously bought at a steep reduction. It was packed in the box of a different sewing machine and came with the user's manual of yet another sewing machine.

Okay, all this would be entirely acceptable if:

a) I had needed a sewing machine and couldn't afford one of my own.

b) I lived in the same city instead of just visiting from clear across the country where I would now have to shlep my "new" sewing machine back home on a plane and over public transportation along with my other luggage.

c) it worked properly - it has a serious issue with the bobbin tension that causes huge tangly loops of thread to form on the back. just when you think it's working okay again, out of nowhere, there's the horrible wad of thread. (Wow there's a metaphor here somewhere)

d) she didn't try, painfully transparently, to trick me into thinking she had paid full price for it.  She feigned embarrassment at having left the price tag on the box (while pointing it at me instead of trying to quickly rip it off), but she had also neglected to take off the REAL price tag which was written in bright red and stuck on the machine itself.

[mainedaughter]

Love the sewing machine present !  The dog b.day card is pretty twisted too ! 

I'd forgotten about this one:  I broke my foot a few years back. In a cast, non-weightbearing for 6 weeks. I was miserable !  About 3 weeks go by, no card,flowers-nothing.          She realizes that she needs me to color her hair. Calls me crying, her roots ( yah, 4 inches of dry grey, can't color hair) need re-touching. She has a holiday party at the local bar the next night.

She will come pick me up and drive me next door to her house.  Why, I ask, can't you bring the color products to me, I'll do it here. I'm on crutches, with heavy foot to knee cast. Yes, it's winter. Snow and ice.        Here I am, crying that I can't even vaccum my floor.    She says, I don't want anyone to show up at your home with me having hair down.   No offer to clean my place.    --oh, by the way- I have a get well gift over here for you. I don't want to carry it outside.  ----- Do I buy into everything... .you bet.  Hook, line and sinker !

She drives the 200 ft. to get me, I color (or attempt to -don't know why a wig wouldn't be better), as she gets ready to bring me home, I ask about the gift------- it is a candle tart warmer. The thing is all of 4 inches high, 3inches round.  the painting of the apples is off-center, the handle is crooked. One would think the included tart is apple, no- peach !  The smell I hate above all ! She knows this.  It is chipped and cracked on the side.  This "gift" surely is from the dollar store.  She hands it too me and says it is my get -well gift. And tells me she bought herself and sis one too.      I just shake my head.     

Do I still have this lovely piece, NOT !,  I wrapped it in newspaper and a cereal box when I threw it out. I was embarrased the trash guy would find it !  --Oh, the good ol'days !

[Sumtin]

Mother is all about the big promise, the showboating, the I'm-such-a-wonderful-mother bragging points only to not follow through, show up with something completely different as a big F-U, or to balk and say she never promised such & such.

Many years ago she promised my nephew a new bike. It was winter and snowing so she had a few months until spring to follow through and get the new bike. Winter came and went and not only did she grab an old bike a neighbor had put out for free but she made my sister come and get nephew's new bike. Her response, he'll never know it's not brand new and why should I have to pay good money for a new bike? Money is not an issue for her.

She's gotten so lazy (waify?) over the past few years. My favorite was when she offered to bring dessert to a family gathering. She bragged and bragged for weeks about how she was going to make this fabulous homemade dessert that someone else in the family made a good 10 years ago. Mother has been raving about that dessert for those 10 years and has promised to make it numerous times and never followed through. This time would be no different, no one expected her to actually make something herself. She can barely boil water. So sure enough she shows up at the gathering with a store bought cheesecake. That's fine, there was no need to make something homemade but don't brag and then not follow through. There are some great cooks/bakers in my family and she likes to think she's in the same league. But the funny thing about the cheesecake is most people at the gathering were dairy intolerant and/or diabetic. Only one slice of the cake was eaten as only one person at the party could eat it. She knows everyone's diet restrictions. The reasoning behind this seems to be that she had set herself up for failure by bragging and then not following through so she decided to bring something hardly anyone could eat to punish US for her shortcomings.

I'm an adult but you'd never know it you saw the gifts she gives me. Things are most suited for a pre-teen or toddler. For example, items with Sesame Street characters on them. She'll say, I know how much you loved that show. YES, when I was 5! She also thinks I'm bigger than I am so I get clothes several sizes too big and in bright juvenile colors and patterns. Everything goes straight into the Goodwill bin.

There are so many incidents that fall into the 'I never promised that' category. They mostly followed this pattern: mother would promised to buy you XYZ if you did ABC. So my sister and I did the ABCs, such a getting all A's in school, cleaning the house, running errands for her, etc. The XYZs never came. Instead we got the 'you ungrateful child' rages that would go on for days and end with several weeks of the silent treatment.

[era]

my mother in law also gives her son crazy presents, my favorite was the gift certificate for a facial at a spa 30 miles away from us. If she had given any thought to who her son is this would make her laugh as hard as it made us laugh. He is not a facial kind of a guy, and we are not going to drive to some random suburb for this. They lives thousands of miles away so they have no connection or experience with this spa, and i'm sure had hundreds to choose from within our small city alone. Bizarre.

As for me, she chose great gifts for me until her son proposed to me, once we were engaged i started getting ecards, and nothing else. The only reason she gave us a gift for our wedding shower was because she was expecting a public gift opening, for those events she is always *extra* generous, god forbid someone else seem more generous than her.

[methinkso]

Cards. Dogs. Oh do tell.

DeeEsse, if you are reading, and still own the machine, tighten the tension on the bobbin. The foot tension is too tight; they need balanced.

Cards/dogs. I think this qualifies as a gift.

DH was going to be away for weeks and early on Mother's Day would fall. Though we lived across the country, MIL/SIL knew I'd be home alone.

I was childless and SIL had her first baby ~ a toddler now. I got not one, two, but THREE mother's day cards from MIL/SIL, the third included a picture of the toddler. I was flabbergasted. Horrified actually. Told my psyche and we decided that warranted a call to them. I called SIL's home as MIL was always over there. I told her whether I was childless by choice or not, to not bother sending me any more Mother's Day cards. SIL responded, "Well you ARE the mother of a DOG aren't you"? Then I heard giggling. MIL was on the extension phone. I think this was one of the final acts that nailed their coffin as far as H was concerned.

MIL/FIL drove to our home across the country in a small car for their '2nd time this year intrusive visit'. MIL HAD to buy SIL a new vacuum. She paid the same for that vacuum as she could have bought in their hometown, then drove it sitting upright in the back seat of the car all the way home. One of her favorite past times was to show us how we got nothing.

Her last visit to our home was two days before H's B-day. Once in a blue moon she'd send him a card with a very small check in it which we eventually stopped cashing. Anyway, she arrived at night and one of her first worries was that she get the B-day card to SIL's H  mailed to the town she just flew in from. H 'had' to take her to the post office to mail it the following morning.

The following day, we got a letter in the mail from out of state SIL ORDERING us to take MIL to a certain amusement park. NOT.

Of course MIL didn't mention H's B-day, but she bought many gifts for SIL/BIL/granddaughter. The night before she left, she picked over them with great distress and finally gave H a tiny bell but she made him know it would cause a conflict with the others, LOL.

The only card I recall ever getting from MIL for my B-day was one of those gift cards one could buy at the gift wrap dept of a dept store ~ not mailable now because of post office regulations ~ thank God somebody was using their head.

Stephen King fathered these people.

[debbiejoe]

My uBPD/NPD father would always buy me the gifts that he wanted for himself... . or were his interest...

One year, he gave me a knife that was in a lipstick holder and you turn it to make the lipstick come up and it is a knife blade... .  Then one year, he gave me a leather holder with a can of pepper type spray in it... . one year, he gave me a buck knife in a leather case... . on and on it was always weird... . 

My uBPD sis would ALWAYS, without fail, every christmas or my birthday buy me some kind of "sister" thing - it could be a plaque, a statue, it is funny - I have a whole box of this in the basement from over the years... . She woudll also get my mom real delicate things made of spun glass or ceramic stuff, which isnt' my mom at all... . 

Interesting... .

[thebible]

yes!  there is an article that is linked on occasion here about the Narcissistic Mother.  One of the descriptions is that she gives terrible gifts and yes my Mom has given me the weirdest gifts throughout the years.

As an adult(maybe my 20s?) she give me a Mickey Mouse clock, a precious moments rag doll.

Just last year, she gave my son(turning 8 yrs) a coke glass and other coke items from an Estate sale.

Your Dad's gifts are wacko.  Sure sign to me that he has NPD

[Camadd2]

Oh my gosh... .seriously!  At first I read this post... .and thought, NO- I really haven't had that kind of experience... .but the more I think about it... .I HAVE!

When I found out I was having my first little girl... .for my baby shower, my uBPD mother gave me all BOY STUFF!  As it being my first child... .I was kind of offended... .like "What the hell is this"  Not to mention it was all stuff from Garage Sales... .  I didn't think much of it then... .until gosh, right this moment... .

The last time I went up to go and visit over 2 years ago, she brought out all of these big kid clothes for my daughter(who was 1 at the time).  The clothes were for like an 8 or 9 year old kid.  So finally I asked her, why the heck did you get these?  I can't use these?  My daughter is ONE!  She preceded to tell me that they were on sale. And I asked, well didn't they have baby clothes on sale instead?  I was a single mom at the time... .and really honestly could have used some clothes for my 1 year old... .  so its not that I didn't want to accept her gift... .but I just figured if you really wanted to give me a gift... .why not give me something I could use now... .instead of in 6 years.   She then threw a tantrum, and yelled and screamed about how ungrateful I was, etc etc... .

How crazy... .I never put two and two together... .until now. 

Great post.  Really got me thinking.