Fears.....

[PDQuick]

Fears lead us to do many things we normally wouldnt do. A fear of rejuection keeps us from chasing the things we want. Fear of not being loved enables us to take abuse from a partner because we sometimes think we wont find anyone else. Fear of intimacy keeps us at arms length from someone who could be what we want, but doesnt have the chance.

This topic and this thread is about you. List your fears, and what you see in yourself that it keeps you from doing. No fear is too small, and no action is insignificant. 

Who is first?

[Ruby_Slippers]

I'm afraid that this is really my fault and the new woman in his life is now getting what I wanted so much, a loving, supportive relationship. He tells friends and family how wonderful his new personal life is and that he is happier than he has been in years. The anxiety, self doubt and outright fear are omni-present.

[solstice]

I would have to say, if I am to be completely honest with myself, that my greatest fear is of failure and rejection.  I also know that I have self-esteem issues that cause a lot of self-doubt and anxiety.  Add to the mix the fact that I am shy, highly sensitive and an introvert.  I probably miss a lot of opportunities because I am not confident enough to put myself out there or assert myself.  And if I do work up the courage to take a risk but it ends in failure, I tend to withdraw even further.

Related to that would be the fear of not being accepted for who I am.  My shyness, sensitivity and introversion were criticized by my parents when I was growing up.  They wanted their daughter to be more outgoing, to have a thicker skin, to be more of a "people person".  Most days I am perfectly fine with who I am, but I can't quite dismiss that underlying fear.

[crystal]

I have made a lot of progress on my fears-- of failure, rejection, loveability..In most of my life I am doing well and really proud of myself. 

But I am still very very afraid of my ex. And this fear allows him to take far too much of my life. I am afraid of the way he manipulates our preteen son and that he is stealing him away from me (We are currently startign mediation on this very issue). I am afraid of how he rollercoasters our older children. I am afraid of his harrassing emails, and his veiled threats and his smirky face when I have to see him. 

I HAD been doing well with boundaries but he has been slowly chipping away at S13 and a recent crisis with D18 has destroyed all my boundaries, my self-confidence and faith. 

I hate this level of fear. I am so glad to have conquered it in so many other places in my life-- but this one is soo hard.   I have reason to be afraid-- he clearly wants to destroy my happiness and he is putting a lot tofime and energy into doing just that. But my level of fear is self-defeating, and actually gets him what he wants.  I know it. And I am working on it. 

Crystal

[simplesimon]

Well,

I would have to say I have a fear of abandonment, and of course the fear of rejection.  Also I fear that I will end up like my BPDm.  I fear that if I have children (debatable right now) that I will pass on the BPD to my children, and I fear that if I have kids it may "trigger" any BPD traits I have.

I am trying to move beyond it but sometimes it's easier said than done.

[life2live]

My biggest is fear that I'm not enough

I can't/don't love enough (kids, SO, family, friends)

I don't do enough

I'm not good enough

not pretty enough, skinny enough, happy enough, care enough, positive enough, smart enough, give enough, on and on and on . . .

I always feel I could do more, be more, have more, if only I would try harder. . .

I'm my worst critic. But I set the bar so high that I will never measure up so at times I give up trying. I don't fear failure because I live with it everyday and have come to accept it as part of my life. I can fail, I'm good at it   What would I do if I were "successful" in my eyes or someone elses? Now that is a scary thought to me because to be put up on that pedestal means that someone else can come and knock me off. What would I do if I were set above the rest for everyone else to see?

[El]

I know one wise thing- To live in fear means to live in half life

I have fear.   

I FEAR the death of my dearest persons.   

Hey, is it a fear of silly rejection?  I do not think so.

The rest fears i can over come.

So?

[Davestl]

I fear never being the same after the BPD relationship. I'm afraid that all the horrible things she said about me were true; that her craziness was my fault; that I'll never find love again; and that my whole life will be f***** because of what happened between us. I'm also afraid that the person she's with now is getting what I wasn't "good enough" to get.

All this being said, I'm able to have my "inner executive adult" tell me none of this is rational.

As someone on bpdfamily.com said to me once, "feelings are not facts."

Dave

[DreamGirl]

I'm afraid of being inadequate...less than what people want me to be. I'm a pleaser, always wanting everyone to like me.  I build no walls, I build bridges to let you in... whether you are worthy or not.  I will fill your cup until it runneth over with just a hope that maybe just maybe you will reciprocate. Then when you do not, my heart aches a little bit more that I may not be the valuable one.

I'm trying to determine my own self worth using a mirror rather than a window where I can barely see my own reflection...and seeing mostly a reflection in other's. I'm an alright girl, I just need to learn to be myself and let others make their own assesment based on just being me, not trying to be who you want me to be.

[oneflewover]

My divorce dangled all my fears in front of me and so I had little to no choice but to just conquer them. 

I feared living alone, got over it.

I feared not being able to financially make it, I am doing okay.

I feared raising a child by myself, so far so good.

So in essence I faced down many of my fears and they are no longer issues.

Except for one---I fear and therefore cannot bare the idea of getting cheated on again.  God that did a number on me.  And I know that I hold back just a bit, that self preservation mode, so that I will never be emotionally and physically vulnerable like that again.  I don't have a self esteem issue or even a question of my worth issue, I just keep about 15% of me solely to myself.  Damned if another man is going to knock the wind out of me like that again.  So yeah, a fear.  Funny thing is, it happened, I survived it...what is the fear about then?  Most fears are because of the unknown.  I know, I know, I know.  Still trying to figure it out.  Any man want about 85% of me?  LOL!

[Mousse]

I am afraid of following my affection, trusting, and being wrong again.  It's getting better, but the fear of the big GOTCHA is very real.  I'm afraid of being fooled and ending up in a newspaper article as another person who crossed paths with a violent partner - and didn't make it to the other side.  I'm afraid that this new, strong me will once again be horribly ashamed to admit to friends and family that she is now afraid of someone she once trusted with her heart, mind and body.  I'm afraid of those friends who helped me through DV once before thinking that I am some idiot who can't get it right and avoid bad men.  I'm afraid I'm the kind of person people like to hit, that there's something in me that provokes it.

That fear makes me hold myself back some, just like OFO.  Is it too much holding back, or is it appropriate and healthy, compared to my other instantaneous romances?  I don't know. 

I think I am really most afraid of ignoring/"overcoming" my fears, and getting the big GOTCHA 

[michelle]

I fear abandonment...like at any moment my husband will find someone better than me. I've been married for 26 years and I'm still so sure he'll find someone "prettier, thinner and younger" just like my mom always told me any man married to me would.  This is something I'm working on ALL THE TIME and so far, therapy is helping. 

Trust...it's hard for me to trust anyone.  The only people in my life I trust are my children.  I'm afraid everyone else will turn on me at some point.  I know I sound paranoid but being raised by a uBPD mom, she would turn on me in a split second.  So I hold back and keep people at arms length.  I'm working on this too, but this is a hard one for me. 

xoxox

Michelle

[Up From Here]

I now fear getting vulnerable.

I now fear intimacy.

I now fear rejection in an intimate way to the point of expecting it.

I now have fear of placing my trust in, and giving my whole heart to another ever again. (I know, that's a big one..."ever again."  It's getting better though.)

I now have fear of not being enough.

I currently have fear of seeing my ex-wife on the street in this town.

I currently have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I use the words, "now"  and "currently" for two reasons.  The first reason is because I'm at least aware at an intellectual level that it's only "for now," because I just came out of the marriage.  It's temporary but they are there at an emotional level.  The second reason is that these fears are new to me at this level of awareness and as a result of this specific (BPD) relationship dynamic.  I've never experienced anything like this before.

As a premise, I don't believe in fear.  As a reality, I have them.  Again as a reality...they kinda piss me off.  I'm not sure getting pissed-off at them is constructive but it might be.  I don't know yet.

Thank you for starting this thread.

Peace, UFH

[Up From Here]

P.S.

I meant as a premise in my life, not as a premise for a topic...

[Mellie]

Wow!  My fear...that biggy that stays in my breathing space...is of not knowing who I am AND remembering who I was before stbxdBPDh.  It's worse than amnesia, I would think, because at least those who have amnesia don't remember who they were, and I do each and every minute of the day.  It's the haunt of all haunts...weird amnesia, I'll call it. 

I was so splendidly swept away by husband that I actually said these words, "I'm stepping out on faith with him.  And, whatever comes, I can handle."  Well, the house fell on me.  I had no idea what those words would later come to mean.  He was the perfect package for me...in every aspect.  I had a child.  I would have never made the decision to change our lives had I one hint of what I bought into.  This is guilt...second in line to weird amnesia. 

Had great life...Scout leader...university director...traveller...adventurer...TO NOW...hermit living 30 miles from the nearest place to buy Italian Roast.  Holy crap, Batman. 

And, yet, I rejoice over the opportunity to make it right...starting today.   

[PDQuick]

This is really good folks. Recognizing our fears is the first step to working with them head on. I thank everyone so far for participating in this. Now, with that being said, take the next step, and actually think about your fears, and tell us what they cause you to do in your life. Understanding that behaviors are driven by fears is a key. In order to understand why we do some of the things we do, we must focus on why we do them.

One of my fears was a fear of rejection. When I was younger, I tended to wait for a woman to chase me, and tried to make her into what I wanted, rather than knowing firsthand what I wanted, and going out in search of that. Wise man once say: Man who wants roast duck will spend too long on top of mountain, with mouth open to sky, waiting for roast duck to fall in. In other words, If you want something, go get it. I tried to just let it drop in my proverbial mouth, and each time something did, it wasnt a roast duck. My actions kept me from having what I wanted, and my actions were driven by a silly fear. I was my own worst enemy.

[Mousse]

My fear causes me to push and pull - not unlike a BP  .  It causes me to be winsome and sweet, because I feel that way, but then it causes me to be suspicious and hyper-alert, because experience has taught me that when the guard comes down and you allow yourself to be sweet, spontaneous Mousse, someone will knock you into what they consider to be "your place".  So it gets in the way of experiencing people (men) as people (men), and it causes lots of emotional turbulence.

What can I do about that?  Other than slow down, focus on other things in my life, and not worry so much about intimate relationships.   Focusing on my independence, my vision of a life for myself anf my son, and being okay with the possibility of sleeping alone for the rest of my life.   I'm working on that, and it seems to be going well.  I feel more peaceful, and quieter inside these days. My eating habits have improved mostly  on their own as a result of this peace, I guess.  And it's easier to live and let live.

But that peace comes and goes.  The "turbulent" periods just seem to be a lot shorter - like it's resolved within a day or less, and it's back to navigating my course with confidence.

[Up From Here]

I have been isolating somewhat but I've also been coming out of that slowly by making friends and meeting musicians.

I also need to find a better employer and I've been coasting along with my current one, a part of that isolation and resistance to change given how things have been over the past year or so.  Now that things are settling down...and I need to make a better income..., I'm starting to put out resumes and I'm even getting help from a friend who really wants to see me out of my current job...about as much as I do.

I was taking routes around town in order to avoid the chance of running into my ex.  Obviously...or at least I hope it is, I have no interest in deliberatly putting myself anywhere near where she lives, etc and she lives (to the best of my knowledge) in a part of town far enough away from me.  It was the whole, "chance meeting" thing, for a while but I don't go out of my way anymore.  If I do see her however I have no issue with doing an about face.  I still feel anger toward her at times but it's getting better as the days go by and that the anger is mine to own...and release.

I get "flirted with" at times and my fear of rejection and trust issues are present enough to mention.  I don't give a "flrt" a second thought at this time.  It's not like I have no interest, I just don't have any right now.  I also feel that I haven't grown out of all of this far enough to be able to trust my instincts and it's not so much that I'd jump for any opportunity to connect with someone.  Quite the opposite actually.  I feel that I don't trust my instincts in the way that would tell me, "she is a good person" if I did meet someone I liked.  Here's where some of the vulnerability stuff comes in, I guess.  My fear of vulnerability at this time seems to be the anti-motivator while at the same time being truly open and vulnerable with someone I can trust is something that is very important to me.

I will be thinking about this some more and thank you again for this thread.

Peace, UFH

[snowgirl]

I fear rejection. Not meeting the expectations of friends. That I will be to depressing/strange for them or that they will get needy and wanting to have more contact than I have room for.

- Therefore I have many friends I see now and then, but no one regularly. I miss having a circle of friends or a best friend.

[csandra]

Thanks for the topic, I have been thinking about this for several days.  I made a lengthy reply, while at work, and it did not post.  I am reminded about how very grateful I am to have had many of my fears relieved.  This is as much about the fears that are gone as much as the ones that remain.

1. I am no longer afraid to leave my home in fear that I will run into him or memories of him.

2. I was afraid that I could not pay my bills on one income.  I found that I am in such a better postion now that I have control over where the money is going.  My uNPDxh had at least 3 credit cards that I did not even know about yet was responsible for half of his debt.

3. I was afraid that my kids would suffer from living in a 2 parent home. They have flourished and I am able to keep most of our traditions/rituals from before.

4.  I still worry that uNPDxh could take my kids away from me, emotionally.  He demands loyalty and I am certain that he blames his poor relationship with D18 on me.  Also, I know that S20 is subjected to a barrage of complaints against me.  I avoid making contact with the kids when they are with their dad.

5.  I am afraid, when I am feeling particularly low, that I really am/was as bad as he says I was.  My own family was subtly turned against me.  Every relationship that I had 5 years ago has been altered in some way.

7.  I too, could not bear the thought of risk of betrayal/cheating.  I worry that I attract men who would harm me.  It's funny that that was one of the things I loved about my husband...that I felt so secure and valued.  When I found out he lied, I found out that he lied about most everything.

8.  I am defintely afraid to become involved with new friends.  I wonder what they want.  I worry that I could not maintain enough committment for even casual friendship (though this is slowly changing).  I do miss my old circle of friends.

9.  I am much less afraid of fear.  I no longer panic when I feel sad/mad/bad.  I now realize that the feelings will pass because finally, I've had enough experience to know that they do.  I try not to "feed" my fears or make them feel too comfortable.

10.  I am no longer afraid of long stretches of time alone.  I keep my weekends pretty full.  I started knitting.  I get involved planning various projects like cohosting D18's graduation party with my sister and her D18.

11.  And finally, a new fear that has evolved.  I see NPD/BPD people everywhere.  I find that I had been naturally attracted to them because they seem challenging/interesting/eccentric.  Now I find my self painfully, yet rewardingly, extracting myself from other toxic relationships.

[bkay]

I fear that I'm not going to go back to the same person I was before my ex.  I fear that all of the "you're the love of my life's" weren't true.  I fear that if I ever hear that again from someone else, I will never believe them.  I fear that something is wrong with me because I actually started to doubt reality.  I fear that I've lost those dreams of true love that I've had my whole life.  I fear that I'm codependent and won't get better (but I'm working on it!). 

I feel that the craziness was my fault.  But I know it wasn't.  It is just taking time to connect all of the dots between my head and heart. 

[orion]

I fear being rejected, my partner fancyng someone else, wanting someone else.  I fear making a wrong decision and most of all not knowing myself enough to know what's right and wrong for me. 

I fear myself.  I'm afraid my  my-issuesare so caught up with my 'gut' feelings, if I knew what they were, that i will make wrong decisions about the people in my life.

I fear losing people I love. I fear making mistakes, people not liking me. I fear not ever being able to be truly happy, at peace with myself.  I fear feeling like this of the rest of my life.

I fear not having children, I'm frightened of my own head and the place I take myself.

[AnonNZ]

Fear that no-one else will accept me for who I am (not even I've figured that out yet)...

Fear that I will never live up to my own expectations...

Fear of being at fault...

Fear of not being liked...

Fear that I will never discover my own peace or who I 'really' am behind the conditioning, protection strategies and barriers I erect, even to myself...

Like bkay, fear that I won't be able to rediscover the person I was before the FOG...

[teri]

My fear is that in my new healthy relationship, I am going to freak out all the time because of all the damage my exBPD boyfriend left behind.

[Dani0613]

I fear that I will never again feel what I felt for my ex.

I fear that I've become, or am becoming, a cynic who no longer believes in 'the fairytale' love affair.

I fear that I will always allow my past with my ex to hurt me and will never forget how she enabled me to feel. (both good and bad)

I fear that the love (I thought) we shared wasn't real.

I fear being alone for the rest of my life.

I fear that I will question another's feelings for me going forward.

I want so much to forget I ever fell in love with her..and forget that I miss her, all the time...

[teri]

Dani0613, I feel all of those things too! I could not quite express it the way you did... I think a part of me is still a bit shut down.  I am with someone new now, and I fear everything you put on your list.

Good luck.

[solstice]

This is really good folks. Recognizing our fears is the first step to working with them head on. I thank everyone so far for participating in this. Now, with that being said, take the next step, and actually think about your fears, and tell us what they cause you to do in your life. Understanding that behaviors are driven by fears is a key. In order to understand why we do some of the things we do, we must focus on why we do them.

I touched on this a little in my first post.  My fears keep me from putting myself out there, from taking risks, from expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions and from asserting myself.  They cause me to second guess myself, to have a lot of self-doubt, and they make me my own worst critic.  They cause me to worry that people who know/meet me won't accept me for who I am, and so I hold myself back.

[michelle]

This is really good folks. Recognizing our fears is the first step to working with them head on. I thank everyone so far for participating in this. Now, with that being said, take the next step, and actually think about your fears, and tell us what they cause you to do in your life. Understanding that behaviors are driven by fears is a key. In order to understand why we do some of the things we do, we must focus on why we do them.

I touched on this a little in my first post.  My fears keep me from putting myself out there, from taking risks, from expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions and from asserting myself.  They cause me to second guess myself, to have a lot of self-doubt, and they make me my own worst critic.  They cause me to worry that people who know/meet me won't accept me for who I am, and so I hold myself back.

BINGO!  This is me, word for word. 

[ifsogirl26]

I fear...

the truth and so I avoid it... there are things that I can't or don't want to admit or talk about

I fear myself, my resolve and not being able to trust that I will do what is best for me

I fear staying and leaving for the wrong reasons and I am not sure which I am supposed to do

I fear hurting my family and my husband by avoiding important things and just staying in the same rut

I fear not ever having children

I fear not being honest with myself and others

I fear that I won't take care of myslef the way I am supposed to becasue I don't know what that means except that I know I am not doing it.

I fear that I will always be struggling with myself

I fear that I can't even be 100%  honest on this site or with ANYONE.


I keep to myself and avoid friends and family and pretend everything is ok.

Now that my H is treating me better, now I have to face what is going on with me and what always has been there that I have been avoiding my whole life.

I am almost crying thinking about how much I put my mom through and am still because of my selfishness and I don't really know why.

I am starting T on wednesday - this time I won't hold back. I will do the work and really get it all out.

[scrabble]

I fear that I'm not and can never be good enough.

Extend that thinking and I will always be alone. I will always be rejected. I will always fail.

As a friend (rejected) , as an employee (out of work) and as a spouse (left). 

I've allowed that fear to dictate my actions and control me. Working hard on changing that.

I don't consider myself religious, but I've experienced things that make me wonder sometimes. Seems like there's something out there that gives you just enough when you really needs it and keeps throwing it back in your face when you really need to learn a lesson. Facing fear is mine.

And yes, I'm aware I said always and never in the same paragraph.