Fears.....

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Fear ah yes something I can certinaly relate to love this thread thanks for the person who started it! Well lets see where do we start . Fear that I will again fail my very complcated test and be defeted once again by my learning disabilty (which I am growing out slowly ) and have a hard time building the confidance I need to have in the work world. Fear of faiular in general and definally rejection had a lot of it in life. MOST of all fear of dieing alone. 22 never had a boyfriend last single one out of my friends and afried it will never happen to me. But most of all fear the reason I am not in a relanationship is cause of my momster. She didn't excatly build up my confidance when I was younger espically the weekend shopping trips where we would go in a dressing room together and she would complain about my body and tell me I needed to lose weight constaly. She still does it to this day last Monday "Your a beautiful girl and got everything going for you but all you need to do is lose a little weight then you would have the whole package." I was thinking when she said this to me Umm I should already have the whole package my weight shoun't be a huge deal. When I get married I am gonna have babies and get fat again anyways so why should I waste my time making myself into this plastic barbie to get a guy then just ruin it all? Said ok momster thanks for the advice. Even if I did lose weight I am still going to be the short 5'2 1/2 curvery girl. I am never gonna be a tall model. And it doesn't happen over night. Seems momster doesn't believe this. Whatever. Cause of her contsant nagging at me I hate my body. Am working on it now I have a little seperation from her but still hard espically on vists. Thoes are my fears! ha ha any advice comments go ahead!  

[Jewls44]

Fear ah yes something I can certinaly relate to love this thread thanks for the person who started it! Well lets see where do we start . Fear that I will again fail my very complcated test and be defeted once again by my learning disabilty (which I am growing out slowly ) and have a hard time building the confidance I need to have in the work world. Fear of faiular in general and definally rejection had a lot of it in life. MOST of all fear of dieing alone. 22 never had a boyfriend last single one out of my friends and afried it will never happen to me. But most of all fear the reason I am not in a relanationship is cause of my momster. She didn't excatly build up my confidance when I was younger espically the weekend shopping trips where we would go in a dressing room together and she would complain about my body and tell me I needed to lose weight constaly. She still does it to this day last Monday "Your a beautiful girl and got everything going for you but all you need to do is lose a little weight then you would have the whole package." I was thinking when she said this to me Umm I should already have the whole package my weight shoun't be a huge deal. When I get married I am gonna have babies and get fat again anyways so why should I waste my time making myself into this plastic barbie to get a guy then just ruin it all? Said ok momster thanks for the advice. Even if I did lose weight I am still going to be the short 5'2 1/2 curvery girl. I am never gonna be a tall model. And it doesn't happen over night. Seems momster doesn't believe this. Whatever. Cause of her contsant nagging at me I hate my body. Am working on it now I have a little seperation from her but still hard espically on vists. Thoes are my fears! ha ha any advice comments go ahead!  

[Jewls44]

Oh ya a few I missed another huge fear is becoming like my momster yikes! My brother has even said "You sound like mom." AHHH! . And believeing the things she says about me is true. Or the things I have heard her say about me.

[Dani0613]

Dani0613, I feel all of those things too! I could not quite express it the way you did... I think a part of me is still a bit shut down.  I am with someone new now, and I fear everything you put on your list.

Good luck.

Hang in there Teri...just go slow and allow yourself to feel.  I need to practice what I preach when the time comes, but I have to remind myself that we can't punish another for what the previous person did to us. That's unfair to us and them.. 

Good Luck to you too!

[Up From Here]

Most of the time our fears are about something that hasn't happened yet, or a reaction to past experience in some way.  Very few of them have anything to do with "right now."  I think if most of us sit back, in this moment and recall even just yesterday we'll see not only the same fears but also that few...if any, have actually manifest themselves as we imagine them, if at all.

So what do we do when a fear proves it self to be a reality?

One of the fears that seem common is that we experience some kind of rejection toward or from our former partner and bring it in to our present day world.

It's kind of funny as I have observed myself over the years in my denial of how I actually felt about, and perceived my former.  My denial was so strong that every time she would prove my "fear" to be correct, my "Ah-Ha!" moment would be anti climactic in the least, and no where near liberating rather, even more confusing.

"I caught you being as I feared!"

That's the funny part for me as I then have to ask myself exactly what I was expecting.  Did I expect her to prove me wrong?  I went to her for more lies for 7 years so that she could prove me wrong but as lies go, the cold comfort was short lived as it would give way to the reality of her actions.

Take this to a spiritual perspective in how ever one may view God.

It's like praying for what we don't want.

So, what do we do when our "fear" was founded?  Is it only then when we are forced to live in the reality of a situation that we are forced to overcome our fear...we actually will, or will be build new fears around the reality and continue the cycle of living in them?

I can't tell you how many times I said, "Ah-Ha! she actually was a con artist. liar, thief, sidewinder, etc" like I was surprised or something (there's a gift of self realization in that) and now to recall all of the people I have known in my lifetime, taking stock of exactly how many of those kind of people I have loved and my answer is...

Only one.

So maybe it can be about...let the "patterns" belong to those who painfully choose to live in them, recognize our own patterns based on fears as "false evidence" as well as fears based on past hurts, as well as fears based on being all-too-well acquainted with reality, and reshape our own reality...based on reality, on right now, and on the fact that we were right about them...so okay...now what about me?

I can't make right what never was right and I can't make what WAS right anymore right...by fearing it so it has to be about making me right inside (not righteous)...making up with myself for the hurt I caused myself in fear and denial and judging from everyone here...hey...we made it!  It didn't destroy us...they didn't destroy us and we haven't destroyed ourselves cuz at least...we're here typing away...at best...we're taking one day at a time and living in each moment and being mindful that everything really is...okay.

I'm betting dollars to doughnuts (flattened or otherwise) that in each and every one of us here, when we are in our freedom, there is a smile within each of us that seriously lights up some ones day.

Here's to those moments and the reality of them and making them the norm rather than that other thing...what was that called again?  Never mind...it's not important.

Peace, UFH

[teri]

Up from Here,  THANK YOU!

[Up From Here]

Wow!  You're welcome Teri and thank YOU! 

I also reflected on what I wrote this morning and I do hope that I didn't offend anyone or lend the impression that fears can be denied or minimized.

If my post had that effect on anyone, I apologize and it wasn't intended that way.  I too believe it's important to get those fears out...confess them instead of hiding them and to do so with the intent of examining them and examining ourselves.

I can fear all day with the best of 'em and Lord knows that I have some tough days.  That's why it's important to me to at least build on a solid foundation of understanding that right now, this moment in time, I am okay.

Some moments in my life have been preferable to others, that's for sure and I am so thankful that I'm here despite all those less-than-preferable moments and so thankful that they didn't all happen at once....

I've realized that by re-attaching myself to the past it is just like living through all of those moments at once so I have to ask myself, "why on this beautiful earth would I want to do that when in reality...I'm really okay?"

So, yes and as PDQ started this thread so we can choose a path toward healing our fears (thank you again, Brother) I'll list mine (did it) too and look at them and choose this path...

Right now, I'm loved.

Right now, I'm sheltered.

Right now, I'm safe.

Right now, I have the freedom to feel exactly what I need to.  (Boy, that's a biggie)

Right now, I am fed.

Right now, there isn't a lie from yesterday that will become magically true...tomorrow.

Right now, my perceptions of what's around me are intact.

Right now, I'm as worthy as anyone is and aren't we all?

Right now, it's safe to list my fears and they won't get taken advantage of or used against me.

Right now, it's safe to let 'em go and nothing/no one will creep in when I'm not looking at them.  I hope it's the same for everyone here.  If not...I hope it gets there real soon.

Right now, I'm enough and you are way more that I thought I could ever be blessed with so...

Thank you...everyone...for you...right...blinkin'...now.

Peace, UFH

[Rufaro09]

My biggest is fear that I'm not enough

I can't/don't love enough (kids, SO, family, friends)

I don't do enough

I'm not good enough

not pretty enough, skinny enough, happy enough, care enough, positive enough, smart enough, give enough, on and on and on . . .

I always feel I could do more, be more, have more, if only I would try harder. . .

I'm my worst critic. But I set the bar so high that I will never measure up so at times I give up trying. I don't fear failure because I live with it everyday and have come to accept it as part of my life. I can fail, I'm good at it   What would I do if I were "successful" in my eyes or someone elses? Now that is a scary thought to me because to be put up on that pedestal means that someone else can come and knock me off. What would I do if I were set above the rest for everyone else to see?

Are you my long lost twin?

I sympathize... I have alot of the same fears...

I also fear that i will screw up andy thing good that happens to me...I fear that i may fall into another toxic relationship...

most of all i fear becasue of my bad choices that it will have a long term affect on my kids. I believe i need to try to remain single until they are grown so that they have a more consistant life but i fear as it is with alot of single parents that as hard and stressfull as it is that i'll end up meeting someone who is nice and seems to care and fall for it and again be involved in a toxic relationship.

[arjay]

List your fears, and what you see in yourself that it keeps you from doing. No fear is too small, and no action is insignificant. 

My fear, like so many others, is that my dBPD-xw was "right" about most of what she said about me, that she will be happy; that she did do the right thing leaving.

I fear her pulling up in her nice new sports car one day, looking at me and smiling saying "God I can't believe I actually stayed as long as I did.  I just wanted you to know my life is grand and I am glad you are and old memory.  I can't believe I married someone so pathetic"...

The "fear" of that happening has diminished over time though.  I am getting to the point where I really don't care how her life turns out. 

Peace

[hopethereishope]

My biggest fear is that I'm unlovable and undeserving.

[csandra]

I fear her pulling up in her nice new sports car one day, looking at me and smiling saying "God I can't believe I actually stayed as long as I did.  I just wanted you to know my life is grand and I am glad you are and old memory.  I can't believe I married someone so pathetic"...

Hey, this really DID happen to me.  My uNPDxh traded in his family station wagon for a sports car with leather interior.  He started buying vintage clothing, all had to be dry cleaned.  He started wearing one of those hats that men wore in the 1950s.  He went on match.com long before our divorce was final and met another "love of his life". 

I realized that probably close to 20 years, he was just going along with things...he liked the appearance of being a happily married family man but like he said, "the kids are almost grown and on their own (then S17, D14), so what am I suppose to do with the rest of my life ?".

[Headspinning]

1) I'm scared of the same thing Ruby Slippers is scared of, especially the part about it being all my fault.

2) I'm feeling a little better today, and I'm scared that tomorrow I'll wake up depressed again.

3) I'm leaving my house soon to meet some girlfriends and I have to stop at the store first. The ex lives two blocks from me, and right now I'm scared to death of running into him, either alone or with a new girl, at the store or of him passing by me on the street. My heart will sink and it will set me back.

4) I'm scared he's going to leave me a voicemail or email saying "hello headspinning, I've gotten back together with _____ (ex girlfriend) and I just wanted to let you know first before you hear it elsewhere or see me around town with her. You see, she's agreed to have sex with me in my truck in the driveway. (ha, just had to add that last part in).

[arjay]

I fear her pulling up in her nice new sports car one day, looking at me and smiling saying "God I can't believe I actually stayed as long as I did.  I just wanted you to know my life is grand and I am glad you are and old memory.  I can't believe I married someone so pathetic"...

Hey, this really DID happen to me. 

Oh geez...I am so sorry...The one thing that keeps me going however, is that even with an outward "new and improved" appearance, on the inside they are still a festering mess...

Peace

[Natasha Tomicic]

I'm frightened of my own head and the place I take myself.

...yes..me too. *sigh*

Am afraid one day will finally berserk and win the battle or lose it all. Were it only my ass on the line, would not be a problem, am responsible for others...and that is a problem.

Reads so black and white, all or nothing...unfortunately, for the most part, such is the case.

The berserker in me,...is tired.

[my_memories]

I'm afraid that every choice I have made in regards to my career and livelyhood have been based on survival instinct.  I find myself wondering what I would have become if someone had ever said to me, "You can do it!"

I'm afraid that the way my UBPD mother (and family) sees me really is the way that I am - and that I have just convinced myself that that is not really me.

I'm afraid that my H (who is both hot with a great career) will find a cute student and run away with them.

I'm afraid that I don't know how to live my life without stress as it has always been there.

And to add: I'm afraid to have kids, I'm afraid of repeating what my UBPD mom repeated, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and be just like her.

[my_memories]

My fears have led me to embrace a career that has left me unsatisfied and curious about what could have been.  But I am challenging that and have recently applied to go back to school.

As for the others - well, I talk openly to my H and my friends about my insecurities.  They know my fears and that helps me to feel better.  The only person that can love me more is me.


And as for kids, I don't know.  In the past, I actively embraced the attitude that I didn't want kids.  Ha!  But now I know that I want them - that I am simply too afraid because of my family to try.  I am working on it, maybe I will take the plunge next year.  Maybe I will never take the plunge.

And the stress?  I just try to get healthier, I am looking for that stress free life where-ever it is.  I will find it one day.

[ennie]

Fear of my partner losing his kids makes me not stand up to his BPDx.  Fear that he would leave me if he lost his kids, as he handles grief in a very solo way, makes me not always be the person I want to be if I did not fear this.  Fear of Being rejected if my partner's needs are not met makes me prioritize his needs over mine.  Fear of BPD's rages makes me not engage with my SKIDS like I would if she was not raging.  Fear of her rages makes me not interact with her in ways that I would feel would be more respectful to her mom-hood and would clarify the stepmom role. 

I fear being viewed as "another one of the crazy ones" with school officials and others, so I do not always speak my mind when BPD has lied about me. 

I fear letting my partner do this stuff himself, especially legal stuff, as I fear he will let BPD take over our lives to avoid conflict. 

I am afraid that my partner's passivity will result in physical danger to me and his children from his BPD x.

Fear is very powerful.  It makes me focus on lots of sad and hard things, when every moment contains potential for joy, also.  My close family friend, who played an uncle role in my growing up life said, "I would worry night and day if I thought it would do a bit of good." 

Some fear is like an alert to look out, and can bring a danger into more awareness.  Sometimes I wish my partner had more of this. 

Some fear, especially the worry and anxiety that my parnter's BPDx triggers in our lives seems counterproductive and results in conflict between my partner and I where no real conflict exists. 

Ouch.

[Up From Here]

Something I have been thinking about is what I have read and is a common fear of seeing ones ex, with the appearance of success.  I have identified with this as well so I had to ask myself the question from the better places inside of me, what can we lose by another person’s success and happiness?  Yes, they caused great hurt and harm and that in our pain we consider that there should be a system of checks and balances.

Why should the "criminal get away with the crime?"  Right?

I understand...truly I do.  One of the (but not the primary) breaking points for me was that after pilfering the household goods and admitting it was a wrong thing to do in an effort to reconcile, there was no real movement toward restoration of the material aspect...just allot of talk.

I expected as much and in fact, after I closed the deal and established NC, in one of her smears, she did recant her convictions about any wrong doing.

After I moved to my new apartment, replacing everything she took, I eventually invited her over for coffee and just to talk.  When she walked in, she was visibly upset that I was able to refurnish my surroundings with even better stuff that I had bought (the majority of) for us when we had lived together.  It eventually morphed into another emotional blackmailing effort on her part which I won't go into but given what I've shared so far I'm sure most can guess.

So...what?  Her opinion of me and the events between us that caused our hurt became her emotional justification that I should live somewhat "less" as some kind of punishment for the way she was feeling.  Was any of this rational?  Nope.  Did my furniture make her any more wrong or make me any more right?  Nope, again.

If I harbor the same enmity for her quest for happiness then I'm no different regardless of the reason and that is indeed a scary thought.  I want better for myself and in an ideal world (as long as I'm talking about checks and balances) I truly do want better for her as well especially better than getting tweaked over how I choose to furnish my surroundings or for me to get tweaked who her next partner is.  I'd like her to get well and be happy...in an ideal world.

It's really not another persons success that affects me...it's my own and as long as I'm in fear of her success I'm certainly not concentrating on my own...which I already have.  Is my job perfect?  Nope but I have one.  Do I always have enough money so that I don't have to worry about paying the rent and the bills?  No again but I always seem to manage.  Am I really alone?  No.  In addition to being okay in my own skin I have friends that are great, my faith, and was adopted my a stray cat last Oct so I have connections with other human beings and one furry thing that thinks she's a human.  I'm a success...I'm so very blessed.

I guess...if it happens...if they go to all that trouble by pulling up in a fancy car or flaunting their latest appearance (Things aren't always as they appear to be are they?) of a successful relationship in our face, or contact/network just to say/spread hurtful, gloating things...I think I'd rather smile and respond with...

"Congratulations.  This too...shall pass,” and get on with my own success and happiness. 

Nothing is forever, especially not in Oz and if it all becomes about flaunting...it isn’t the real deal anyway.

Peace, UFH

[life is a journey]

What a coincidence...

lats ı have  night in my dream ı was in fear with my parents again..My mom has BPD undiognosed  but my t found out when talking to hear about and haşf an hour  and the things she does in life..He says BPD and I have PTSD father is affected too..

SOo in this dream ı was  just doing things that ı do in my daily  life..

I was soo scared they were in RAGE and AND SCREAMİNG BLAMİNG...that ı spend too much this is always the issue or ı eat too much and doo thşngs wrong according to them...((

I woke up in sweat and very disturbed..

yess my fear is always still ı did nt not get over ı guess is to be BLAMED nd PUNİSHED by THEMM..

Sİnce 2 weeks ı am away from them in our summer house..soo  may be things get piled up and show themselves a t a peaceful times..ı mean the negative feelings..


This is a great post  ..thank you just the right time right moment

life

[holdingouthope]

"Maybe you have pantaphobia", Lucy said. ":)o you think you have pantaphobia?"

What's pantaphobia? asked Charlie Brown.

"It's the fear of everything"

"That's it!" Charlie replied...



so much on here I can relate to.

I fear failure, a lot.

I fear I've lost myself in this exercise.

I fear I never had a whole sense of who I was before, which made me even more vulnerable to losing myself.

I fear letting people down.

I fear, so much, letting my kids down.

I fear that I'm doing this wrong. No one other than on a board like this or in a therapists office seems to understand.

I fear that I'm throwing my life away by staying.

I fear I would be throwing my kids lives away by leaving.

I fear I won't ever know what a real and healthy, loving relationship is.

I fear I'm damaged goods.

I fear being the disappointment she feels that I am.

I fear I haven't gotten stronger but weaker.

I fear I don't know as much as I think I do.

I fear it will get worse, not better.

I fear I'll get desperate at some point.

I fear I'll find her dead, one day, by her own hand.

I fear feeling guilty for the rest of my life.

I fear the judgement of others.

I fear my judgement of myself.

I fear I won't be able to hold all the strings together forever.

I fear her resentment.

I fear my family's disappointment.

I fear my own wants.

I fear that I'm selling out my life.

I fear that I'm selling her short.

I fear that no matter how much I practice and demonstrate, it will never be what I consider normal.

I fear a lot more, really. I think I was fearful before I met her, and this relationship has, over time, made me feel as though so many of my fears were in fact well founded, when really what you hope for is to have fewer and fewer over time.

HOH

[Reneehsv]

I'm afraid that I don't know how to live my life without stress as it has always been there.

That is me. I fear I don't know how to live my life without stress and drama. I fear I don't even know me well enough to know why.

I'm currently in a good relationship, but I seem to upset it periodically with some strange drama scene that could be avoided if I only said how I feel or what I'm thinking. I don't know why I don't communicate, instead of creating the drama to get what I want. I don't get that anyway because most "normal" people don't like the drama to begin with so it's not like it gets me my way.

I fear being screwed up the rest of my life.

[my_memories]

I'm currently in a good relationship, but I seem to upset it periodically with some strange drama scene that could be avoided if I only said how I feel or what I'm thinking. I don't know why I don't communicate, instead of creating the drama to get what I want. I don't get that anyway because most "normal" people don't like the drama to begin with so it's not like it gets me my way.

I fear being screwed up the rest of my life.

I completely know how you feel!  My H is wonderful, supportive, but sometimes I just flip and don't know why.  We are trying to figure it out together, I always work hard to take responsibility when I am just creating unnecessary drama.  To be honest, over time it has gotten less and less.  I think I am learning to talk to him better.  For me, I have learned that people actually prefer the Brutal Honesty that rests inside my head.  A few years ago, I had a friend tell me that he found my constant filters exhausting - he would ask me, "What do you REALLY think right now?" and when I was truely honest, he would laugh and laugh.  He taught me it was okay to really talk about how I feel, that most people care and want to know.  That when people know the Real Me, they will still like me.

  But yeah, I struggle to find a normal balance.  I really don't think that I know what normal feels like, I wonder if I ever had it or if it had all been an illusion. 

[survivorof2]

What do I fear?

I fear that all the work I am doing to change towards those I love will not make enough of a difference for them to accept my love or even care..

[mindatrisk]

The one thing that comes to mind is a fear of being too different to be truly close to someone.  I feel a little alien at times, and now I am realising that the one person who did seem to love and accept me was fecking BPD!  Arghhhhhh!  I wonder how I will meet another girl, someone I really like and will get along with, I suppose I almost feel at times that I blew my chance with her... y'know, I found someone who accepted me for who I am and it all crashed down around me.  But I know this is irrational, but I guess that is the core nature of fear.  All fear is irrational.  I guess I don't want to be lonely.

[lbjnltx]

i am afraid that i will die with my BPD12 still hating me.

[ennie]

i am afraid that i will die with my BPD12 still hating me.

Ouch.   xoxox