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Author Topic: BPDs and relationships  (Read 671 times)
DontGiveUpOnMe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 217


« on: August 04, 2015, 09:02:34 PM »

I don't really think I'm ready to talk about whats been going on lately in terms of my life situation and how I'm still stuck here. But as a general question, I wonder about your BPD parent and their relationship. Did they allow or encourage the person they were with to abuse you? did the significant other end up being abusive as well? Does the BPD sufferer naturally choose abusive people?, and allow them authority to abuse not only them but maybe their scapegoat kid? (in this case me)
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Kwamina
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« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2015, 12:14:36 PM »

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe,

I don't really think I'm ready to talk about whats been going on lately in terms of my life situation and how I'm still stuck here.

That's ok, you can talk about this when you feel ready.

But as a general question, I wonder about your BPD parent and their relationship. Did they allow or encourage the person they were with to abuse you? did the significant other end up being abusive as well? Does the BPD sufferer naturally choose abusive people?, and allow them authority to abuse not only them but maybe their scapegoat kid? (in this case me)

My parents divorced when I was baby, but I have seen similar dynamics as you describe here with my siblings. I have two older sisters, the oldest is also uBPD like my mother and was treated as the all-good child. My other sister however, was treated as the all-bad child. I also have a narcissistic brother and both he and my uBPD sister were allowed by my mother to get away with abusive behavior towards my other sister and me without my mother intervening. Particularly my mother and uBPD sis would also gang up on my other sister.

How are you dealing now with being treated as the scapegoat child? Do you feel that this has affected you and if you do, in what ways? If you haven't already I strongly encourage you to read about two BPD behaviors, splitting and projection, that I believe your mother is engaging in:

Excerpt
Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?"  We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?"

Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life.

Excerpt
In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

You can read more here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection
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