1.22 | Are You Supporting or Enabling?

[united for now]

Butterflies




It takes a lot of time and effort for a caterpillar to change into a beautiful butterfly. Scientist tried to intervene in the process, with tragic results. Nature is unforgiving and is designed so that only the strong survive.

Before a butterfly can emerge from it's cocoon, it has to first break a hole in the cocoon and wiggle it's way out of this small hole. This can take hours and hours. Once fully out, the butterfly hangs to not only dry off but to also regain it's strength.

To speed this process along, scientist experimented and cut a small incision in the cocoon, allowing the butterfly to emerge faster and with less effort. Sadly, few of these butterflies survived long, since it was the struggle to emerge that gave them the strength to evade predators.

When we step in and "do" for others what they can and should do for themselves we are contributing to keeping them weak. We are sending the message that they aren't capable of doing for themselves. That they need us to survive. This need of ours to save/rescue/fix/do for others is our side of the dysfunction.

[flatspin]

This is a tough one for me.  Enabler?  Supporter?

By nature I am a supporter and was from the beginning.  _

[truly amazed]

Great thread.

In my RS with my BPD ex I was an enabler. I thought stupidly I was a supporter and love or patience or understanding or kindness would eventually lead to improvements. No they were just enabling her.

It still remains an issue I have to fully address. I still am an enabler as opposed to being a supporter. Yes I support in all the correct ways but enable in much too many other ways and must stop myself and change. Reading this thread has helped and honestly have to take action so thanks.

End result was being a doormat and not actually resenting it at the end of the BPD RS was even more telling of what state of mind I was in after being dumped and having enabled almost totally the whole relationship. Not a good thing.

Time to go make a plan and take action

[Vindi]

great topic, another poster mentioned resentment... .and i know i harbor alot of it, probably cuz of my silly enabling, thinking that would help and it only did harm.

I think this topic can make me stronger... .I like to feel that i can "be real" with me, NOT enable, yet support and be fine with the results.

I just sometimes feel my bf is like a kid, he doesn't like to clean out his cooler after work (eating lunch, with empty scraps and soda cans) well, i am not his mom, and he is an adult, so when he puts his cooler on the counter, I "used" to clean it out, and now stopped, its up to him. Something that minor, he can do on his own.

I think lil' steps each day, to be true to YOU makes a world of difference.

[oglobaith]

I find it hard to separate supporting from enabling in our situation as our grandchildren's welfare is at stake, not just our relationship with our daughter, their mum.  For instance we recently had an order from the court (which we fought hard to get) to have contact with our grandchildren twice a week - however we are the ones who have to collect and return the children as we'd never see them if it was up to her even though she has more time and is capable of bringing them. Also she has asked us to have them more than the ordered time for her own reasons (whilst before the order she was keeping them from us), and we agree to having them as often as possible for their sakes. It feels like enabling as it does infringe on our lives, but we have read a lot about mitigating the effects of BPD on small children and we want to do all we can for them (there is no Daddy around.    I don't find it at all easy   

[poiuy]

quote from Gary Chapman's 5 language's of love:Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”

Where would this fit in between enabling or support?

[qcarolr]

This is often very murky for me.

I am a great rescuer and do have resentment at 'doing it all'. Sometimes I let others know what I need them to do and I stop doing it - housecleaning, yard work, scooping poop. It doesn't get done. My tolerance level gets reached, and I do it. Lots of resentment there.

When I can choose to find a sense of self-fulfillment with having a clean house, green lawn, unstinky dog run, etc. then that resentment reduces.

This is what I consider the more 'normal life choices'. Not supportive of anyone but myself - mostly damaging to myself. I am learning to set solid boundaries -- each person has their personal space and I do nothing to take care of that. gd8 - if there I cannot walk a clear path into her room than I do not sit with her at bedtime to read a book. So her room is messy, but there is a clear path. If she is asked to put toys away and I pick them up, I get to choose where they go. Often in the shed for days.

I can apply these new skills with gd. She responds to these 'normal' ways of avoiding enabling. DH example - I order his med refills. HE does other things for me. We have learned to talk about this as shared care-giving with each other. This communication piece has evolved over past 6 years in coping with raising gd8 and coping with dd27 increasingly messy life in and out of our home. I am less resentful with dh as we have become more supportive with each other.

So I have been practicing lots of skills. to be continued. my computer is locking up.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Now with BPDDD27. Much harder to discern what I do that is enabling and what is supportive. This thread is much needed for me to sort this out a bit. She is soo hard to tolerate when new boundaries being enforced. Defiant, raging, being in house when unable to manage self-control... . But we stuck out the 'no overnight friends, no pot smoking' rule. It took 3 months, but she seems to get it now. She chooses to not be in the house when behaving badly, though not perfect.

Sometimes I think there is some PTSD that pushes me to react to her from a place of fear from past responses with her. And then I get distressed and become non-functional in all areas of my life. This is something I have to work on with myself. Supporting myself - not enabling my own emotional craziness. Then I am inconsistent in how I react to DD. She is actually trying harder, making baby steps toward accepting she owns some of her issues and they are not all my fault.

Supportive: calling mental health crisis line when she is acting suicidal - cracks in her shell of toughness. I drive her to appts. she allows me to talk to T's.

Enabling: driving her to appts. when she can get there on the bus.

Supportive: looking up the bus schedule for her, reassuring her when she calls fearing missing the bus that it will be there in 5 minutes. She really cannot read the schedules - her learning disability is real.

Relief if I accept it: she is asking for help with bus. she is asking for help with her meltdown and going to appts.  she is using the bus to see her friends unless it is on my way to work -- my convenience -- and doing this with a 'thanks mom'.

So things are much better in so many ways. Why am I such a mess!  I do not expect the better times to last - a down cycle always comes. At least until she chooses to accept the dual-treatment that is soon to be offered to her. So the fear of my triggering her to turn away from treatment can get in the way of being consistent with the supportive boundaries... .

qcr

[Suzn]

You driving her to T appts can be a fair trade for her being willing to go. Why are you speaking with her T? Is it maybe you have a need to know what's going on there being a way to alleviate your fears?

Noticing our motivations for why we do things for someone is good. A good way to help decide what's ok and what is too much is to think of it being either to help you or help her. We do things to help ourselves, that may not really be helpful, more than we realize sometimes.

Learning ways to step back is difficult however doable. You are an example for her even at 27 and most definitely for your gd. Taking care of you, taking breaks now and then, is seen. You are not invisible. Working on some healthy coping strategies and following through with them when you start feeling stressed will help. You say you talk to your H when your stressed, what about a brisk walk? Or go to the gym? Expelling some of that energy.

[qcarolr]

I am talking to the T for a couple reasons.

These are new T's and DD does not share her history honestly = not getting the services she needs. I observed that after I spoke to thme, they were asking validating questions that got DD to ask for what she needs. This is partly due to her NLD, and partly due to her sense of stigma, embarrassment and denial. IMHO.

When I mentioned the testing back in 2009 when BPD dx given, outside of their facility, the T responded "well those are paper records burried in storage." She was not willing to waste time looking. I offered to get her copies, she declined. DD has been going to this clinic since she turned 19 and went on medicaid when pregnant with gd8. It is amazing how many times her records have been lost.

I have commented to DD's case manager - when advocating for her to get housing - that they do not even have a line in the water for her. THeir expectation that she will 100% independently and with motivation pursue the services she needs is letting her down. She is willing to come in -- they need to reach out to her a little more assertively. I think my exact words, ":)D is drowning and not able to swim to shore and you do not even have a line in the water for her to reach out for". He acknowledged this, and things have stepped up a notch.

And DD was so dysregulated that she was being a more whole picture of self with them in the recent crisis.

I am trying to be an advocate for her - and yes the line is fine between what she can do for herself and what she really is unable to do on her own.

Geez - I hate excercise just for the sake of excercise. And I have lots of pain that is made worse if I am not very cautious about how I go about it -- even walking. Trying to take in our beautiful sunsets though.

qcr

[oolia]

Thanks for this, all.  It's an eye-opener to see how much of an enabler I was to my BPD.  Yikes! 

[Monarch Butterfly]

I haven´t known for long that my uBPDH has what he has (is what he is). This is relatively new for me, but what caught my attention to his self-awareness thread was how I realised somethign was wrong. My uBPDH was always tagged as difficult, and peopel elft it at that. So I always thought I had to do more to have a meaningful realtionship. 

I would never have classified myself as co-dependent. Ihave always had a strong persoanlity and was very independant. I would like to be by myself even lived in a different ohitry by myself for a year. One day I was crying in the middle of the night, in the bathroom after a long argument about something I can´t even remember. I would cry there so he wouldn´t hear or see my tears. In the middle of the night, crying by self I thought: what in the world am I doing? To what extent have I come? Why am I so afraid of crying infront of him? Why do I have to hide my emotions and feelings - so yes, I have crawled down the ladder of being so self-assured and confident to someone I don´t even recognize. So yes, now I am co-dependant and enabling.

I have been in this relationship for 16 years, and it doesn´t hit you at once - it´s bit by bit. Letting go of something I want to avoid conflict... .Letting go of my wants to fit his desires... .  Then 16 years latter wham - I´m in a pit so deep I can´t get out. I´m hidding my tears at 3am because he can´t understand why I´m so upset. It´s irrational to him why I would even have complaints, since he´s the provider, caregiver and so perfect!

So co-dependency has been a real part of this dysfunctional dance. When and where I started doing it - I can´t remember. How to stop? I´m still scared that if I confront him I´ll wind up in the bathroom again.

[qcarolr]

Update on how DD in jail has helped dh and I work on our supporting vs. enabling.

First, we cannot do anything for her in jail except her daily phone call, and put money in her commissary for personal hygiene items. We suggest she ask for what she needs in response to her complaints. She is doing this.

Second, she is forced to take some classes in her pod. She is also doing required therapy, and has asked me to do therapy with her when she transistions to probation outside of jail.

We are solid in not allowing her back in our home. We are planning on helping her with housing with some boundaries, but this will not happen for a couple of months after her release. She has to choose the transistion housing options or be homeless again. For the first time in 4 weeks she said yesterday "I am thinking about this".

Time away from DD, with her in a safe environment that includes mandatory recovery resources, has given us the time, quiet, space to work on the changes we need to make in ourselves before she is released. We accept this will be hard, but feel more confident that we can be successful. Also gd8 is adamant that her mom not be in our home for her own sense of safety. This keeps us on track.

qcr

[modafinilguy]

I agree with this in principle.

But I don't think the line between what should be considered "enabling" and "supporting" is always as clear cut as it may seem.

I definitely agree, I here some shocking stories of people blatantly enabling highly unacceptable scenarios.

But it must be remember, that a person who has BPD (of varying severity, and may have other co-existing disorders), has a fundamental impairment in managing their emotional state, and controlling their impulsive behavior. To some degree, and in regards to capacity to tolerate stress they are less MENTALLY capable than a "balanced, high functioning" person without any such disorders.

If a person has a physical disability, or limitation to a degree it is natural for the partner to try and compensate. Why is it always different with BPD?

I have helped a lot of my friends out with BPD and children, because they simply could not cope with the full demand, you could say I was somewhat enabling them I guess, but the truth is they would not have coped otherwise, and overall it was beneficial to the situation.

Various times, BPD people are often notorious at managing money, when I am reasonably able, I will still help them with things they need to afford, to what I consider a reasonable agree. This improve the situation, you can view it however you want, but if the person is not going to change and start functioning in the absence of support, then how can you say it is not a good thing?

Indeed my brother, is much better off financially than me. I am not very good with my money. If he did not help me, I would probably starve at times. If he withdrew all financial support would I change? Evidence does not suggest I would. I used to frequently go hungry (once for 9 days in a row without food) when I was younger.

Helping to a degree, in REASONABLE matters, not enabling bad behavior, but helping with a person maintain reasonable standards in their life and environment, that you have reasonable confidence would not be maintained if you did not help, well I think that can often be justified.

Yes if my BPD friends are especially upset over something, say something has happened, they are down and upset, then yes I will probably to a degree be supportive. That is good as long as not taken too far.

One young BPD woman that does not live with me, has a highly abusive boyfriend.

He has beaten her and choked her seriously various times.

She keeps going back to him despite my advice.

A couple times recently I have gone over to protect her- physically stopped the guy- from hurting her, when he was threatening to seriously harm her.

I am enabling her? Should I have just stood by and let the man beat her?

That is an extreme example, I agree certain types of behavior should NOT be enabled, but I don't agree with a general philosophy which assume total independent self reliance. I help the BPD woman that lives in her house, when I truly judge things are beyond her mental capacity to deal with, and it is a reasonable thing that should be done in the better interest of either her, both of us, or the house.

I guess I just have trouble fully applying this concept to complex scenarios.

I am willing to take some degree of weight off her shoulders, and I am quite certain it is overall doing good.

As I said however, I DEFINITELY believe, you can be supportive of the WRONG things, or foster an unhealthy level of dependence on your CONSTANT support. I have seen people become dependent on others at the cost of basic responsibility but I think that is different to what I do.

[qcarolr]

... .I agree certain types of behavior should NOT be enabled, but I don't agree with a general philosophy which assume total independent self reliance. I help the BPD woman that lives in her house, when I truly judge things are beyond her mental capacity to deal with, and it is a reasonable thing that should be done in the better interest of either her, both of us, or the house.

I guess I just have trouble fully applying this concept to complex scenarios.

I am willing to take some degree of weight off her shoulders, and I am quite certain it is overall doing good.

As I said however, I DEFINITELY believe, you can be supportive of the WRONG things, or foster an unhealthy level of dependence on your CONSTANT support. I have seen people become dependent on others at the cost of basic responsibility but I think that is different to what I do.

I have read in several places about validation to be cautious about 'validating the invalid'. This is like validating the untrue or distorted facts or behaviors instead of the emotions underneath. A safety issue always calls for intervention of some kind. It might be providing the woman in the abusive situation with contacts with a safe house or other domestic violence advocate, being available to help her choose to get out of the situation - holding some funds or emergency clothing, keys, etc for her along with the contact info for the domestic violence advocates. Being willing to call 911 for a safety check - they are trained to deal with the violent abuser - even though the woman may not appreciate this 'interference'. Being able to support these actions without any judgement if she chooses to stay in the r/s.  Putting myself at risk of harm - I would be very cautious with this. I have known of family and friends injured or killed trying to save someone else directly. It was their choice to get this involved, I have to accept that.

I used to allow my DD27 to harrass me, threaten me, push me, follow me when I tried to leave... .without calling the police. I was in a severe place of fear and triggered emotional state. I could not think clearly, just as she was not thinking clearly. I have learned to reach out for help, for myself and for her. My first concern has to be to take care of myself and others in the family.

The enabling also comes with bailing her out of jail, when the best result has now come by the judge 'forcing' me to leave her in jail. He set the bond the 3rd time too high for me to accept. And the judge personally intervened in the legal system to offer her the best they had for probation and advocacy. To be sure she does not fall through the cracks. She failed his initial sentence within about 15 minutes of walking out of the courtroom. He heard her harassing me in the hallway. And DD's lawyer asked the sheriff to walk her out of the building instead of arresting her, because the consequences would be harsh. Within 5 days she had violated the no contact order with exbf, in my house, in front of my gd8 who had a very very intense reaction. I finally got it how distressing a traumatizing this was for gd. I stepped up to protect gd, filed a complaint, DD spent 45 days waiting in jail for her hearing, and is not allowed in our home or in contact with gd until she accepts and procedes with therapy in this program. We are providing temporary housing (month to month) for 6 months, while program works to find longer term housing (or she fails probation and ends up back in jail), and we pay for her cell phone (a safety issue for me). The case manager has asked me to 'stay out of DD's way'.

I needed this support for ME before I could really step back and see things clearly enough to stop enabling DD's bad choices. I continue to need this support around me to daily shift from ruminating about her situation. To fill my mind with other things, to make space for other parts of MY LIFE to evolve.

As a parent here, and not a partner, this letting go while staying connected is especially hard to endure. Support is detachment with love instead of abandonment. When I have tried to cut off all contact, to disconnect instead of detach, I have failed over time. I need to keep a relationship with my DD.

Does this make any sense? How have others found the self-validation and support to convert the enabling to supportive actions?

qcr

[livednlearned]

This is such an important topic for me! I struggle to see the difference in enabling and supporting, especially raising a child.

S12 has expressed how uncomfortable he is with me dating new guy (we've been seeing each other for a year now). Reading the difference between supporting/enabling made me realize that I am enabling S12. I told him that I am going to continue dating new guy, and that S12 does not need to like him, although he does need to be respectful. But whenever new guy comes over, I tell S12 in advance so he can get whatever he needs from downstairs so he doesn't have to come down when new guy is downstairs. A couple of times, S12 forgot new guy was here, and came downstairs, and kinda froze, and everything felt very awkward

I think I'm enabling S12 by trying to prevent encounters.   

A few times, I have even taken food up to S12 so he doesn't have to eat downstairs when new guy is over.   

I feel awkward when new guy and S12 are in the same room together, so I think the enabling is as much to prevent my own negative feelings as it is for S12.

I'm also guilty of over helping S12 with homework. I've "rescued" him a lot, and am trying to be better about supporting him instead of enabling. Maybe picking him up from school is enabling too. He sometimes takes the bus, and has missed it a few times, gone past our stop, etc. Which ends up creating a headache for me -- but he's 12, so sometimes (maybe to convince myself) I think not supporting = neglect.

[Quantendynamik]

This is a great workshop! 

I have a question: what if the task is expected to be done by both of you and affecting both of you, but pwBPD freaks out and use all kinds of traits (projection, rage) to avoid her part of duty.  Should we totally fail the situation to avoid enabling? 

[Surnia]

Hi Quantendynamik

difficult to answer without knowing details about the task. Sometimes total failing can be a solution, given there is no third party collateral damage. Or too much damage falling back on you later.

[an0ught]

This may well be about your values, their priorities and your boundaries. Can your afford failure? And if yes it may be worth questioning your motivation - is it about you or is it about the pwBPD? How do you balance additional unfair investment to save vs. writing off your own sunk investment. Can your course one which you can sustain? And are there other concerns like intermittent reenforcement?

[qcarolr]

It is really timely for this workshop to pop to the top of my reply window today. I am puzzling with my BPDDD27's situation.

She has avoided doing her court ordered treatments under probation on harassment charges.

She was kicked out of detox for her unrelenting, escalating behaviors and refusal to wear bandages on contagious infections on her face. (she did not want to be in this program)

She missed her meeting yesterday with probation officer (PO) - there is warrant for her arrest on probation violations.

DD has great fear about being in jail, yet refuses to do probation stuff. Yes, there is a substance abuse problem I try my best to be in denial about along with all the mental health issues.

We have provided a room for her in local hotel to live in this winter while she is in treatment based program (outpatient until detox, which failed). She got released into probation treatment program after 2 months in jail end of October last fall.

It is really really cold and snowy outisde (in Colorado). Her room rent expires on Saturday. Do we renew her room for another week if she is not in jail by then?

How do I tell her she is on the street homeless again? Note: being homeless did not motivate her to make any changes in her life, as my dh and I had so hoped. She is certainly not like me - I would be in a transitional housing program ASAP! She lived homeless full time for 2 years and part time for past 2 years.

Do I tell the PO where she is? I spoke to PO today as I asked for verification if she showed up at her appointment yesterday. She confirmed the warrant was issued, and did not ask if I knew where she is. If I am asked directly, I will state what I know.

It is so sad for me to experience the level of avoidance of taking responsibility my DD has for the choices in her life. I have accepted that this is who she is at this time. All I can do is love her with my whole heart and stay out of the way, allowing the consequences to find her.

Her living in the snow right now feels intolerable to me. We will reach our financial limit, stated last fall, in about another month at weekly hotel rates. What do you think about the hotel room for next week?

Or do I turn her in and not have to worry - she would be safe in jail?

qcr

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks for your reply, Surnia and an0ught.

Here are a few examples about both of us:

1. Whenever we do our tax together (oh, no she won't use an accountant, and she won't do book keeping at all even if I found tools and show her how to do it, so her part is always a mess in tax season.  I am actually doing the book keeping this year to void the mess, I guess I am enabling!), she would freak out and focus on blaming me (yeah, she will find something to blame at anyways) rather than do the work or even provide information of her own.  If not enabling means I go ahead filing my own part alone, she will definitely NEVER get it done, and the fine would come to me, unless I would  separate with her financially, which is a huge move.

2. We are on vacation out of country.  She freaks out on the day we needs to be back.   Should I just leave her alone?

3. Preparing a party, or going out camping with friends, or some important event.  Freaks out when too late to cancel, or even in the middle of it.

For this questions.

Can your afford failure?

Well, I can survive the failure, but I do not think I can afford the failure.

And if yes it may be worth questioning your motivation - is it about you or is it about the pwBPD? How do you balance additional unfair investment to save vs. writing off your own sunk investment. Can your course one which you can sustain?

I think I do not like to write off my own sunk investment.  I did bail out once on one of our camping plans including our friends. 

And are there other concerns like intermittent reenforcement?

Yes, sometimes I have trouble letting things fail. 

One example is the tax, here is another one about her:

she put her cell phone, keys any where in the house, but then forget about the location (and the phone is muted sometimes).

When she has to leave in 2 mins, she will ask me to help her finding her stuff. 

I feel she is justified as the situation is urgent, although this happens a lot (and I told her being more organized like putting stuff in a fixed location would help).

This may well be about your values, their priorities and your boundaries. Can your afford failure? And if yes it may be worth questioning your motivation - is it about you or is it about the pwBPD? How do you balance additional unfair investment to save vs. writing off your own sunk investment. Can your course one which you can sustain? And are there other concerns like intermittent reenforcement?

[Quantendynamik]

QC, I am so sorry to hear about this situation.

I read that we should not assume the role of care taker, but sometimes, it feels cruel to leave them to consequences.  Maybe we should start stop enabling only at small incidents as a start.   

It is really timely for this workshop to pop to the top of my reply window today. I am puzzling with my BPDDD27's situation.

She has avoided doing her court ordered treatments under probation on harassment charges.

She was kicked out of detox for her unrelenting, escalating behaviors and refusal to wear bandages on contagious infections on her face. (she did not want to be in this program)

She missed her meeting yesterday with probation officer (PO) - there is warrant for her arrest on probation violations.

DD has great fear about being in jail, yet refuses to do probation stuff. Yes, there is a substance abuse problem I try my best to be in denial about along with all the mental health issues.

We have provided a room for her in local hotel to live in this winter while she is in treatment based program (outpatient until detox, which failed). She got released into probation treatment program after 2 months in jail end of October last fall.

It is really really cold and snowy outisde (in Colorado). Her room rent expires on Saturday. Do we renew her room for another week if she is not in jail by then?

How do I tell her she is on the street homeless again? Note: being homeless did not motivate her to make any changes in her life, as my dh and I had so hoped. She is certainly not like me - I would be in a transitional housing program ASAP! She lived homeless full time for 2 years and part time for past 2 years.

Do I tell the PO where she is? I spoke to PO today as I asked for verification if she showed up at her appointment yesterday. She confirmed the warrant was issued, and did not ask if I knew where she is. If I am asked directly, I will state what I know.

It is so sad for me to experience the level of avoidance of taking responsibility my DD has for the choices in her life. I have accepted that this is who she is at this time. All I can do is love her with my whole heart and stay out of the way, allowing the consequences to find her.

Her living in the snow right now feels intolerable to me. We will reach our financial limit, stated last fall, in about another month at weekly hotel rates. What do you think about the hotel room for next week?

Or do I turn her in and not have to worry - she would be safe in jail?

qcr

[Greenmeadow]

Wow... thanks for this. In the black and white of this I am an enabler. Completely.

It's finding that line between, supporting and enabling that i continually find so blurred and stuggle with.

I do stand by not validating behaviours in any way, though.

Hmmm I need to give this more thought, such an eye opener.

[Supertrouper]

This is interesting. My BPD bf always says at times that i am an enabler. In respects to my children i have had to be, but now that they are older, i am trying to be more supportive, but sometimes i do slip back into that roll of doing things for them, but it is getting less. In the respects of my partner, i wants to be supportive, but sometimes he wont let me, and sometimes he wants me to be an enabler, which i wont, he then moans that im not supporting him by not being enabling.

[Purplex]

I think enabling can also be an easy way out. Sometimes it's just more convenient to do something myself instead of encouraging my partner to participate or do things on his own, especially if the task at hand is much more difficult for him then it is for me. It's likely for him to get frustrated in the process, so I need to be able to catch and support him emotionally as well.
I don't have children, but I can imagine that it takes even more energy, time and patience to be supportive towards kids -- ressources that just aren't always available.

In the respects of my partner, i wants to be supportive, but sometimes he wont let me, and sometimes he wants me to be an enabler, which i wont, he then moans that im not supporting him by not being enabling.

I think offering help is already beeing supportive, even if he doesn't want to take you up on you offer. You are signaling to him that you are there if he needs you, not to solve his problems (enabling) but to assist him. By respecting his refusal, you are still indirectly supporting him in his decision to adress the issue on his own.
 
Support can be very nuanced. Listening, advising, giving space, demonstrating or teaching something, planning together or asissting hands on -- all of those and many more can be supportive actions.
I think it's about meeting somebody where they are stuck and joining them in their search for a solution, without beeing directive or controlling.

That's my take on it at least, what do you guys think?

[gotbushels]

Purplex

Have you been the subject of emotional blackmail, where they tell you to fix/solve/save them or else?

What does support look like to you?
 
What does enabling look like to you?

Blackmail- probably not in the conscious manipulative sense. With my UexBPDgf. If I didn't continue to function as something of a part-self that helps her not face the consequences of her actions, then she would implicitly threaten the continuity of the relationship. The chain she'd follow is "you've changed"; "break up".

Supportive seems to me to help her get a key piece of equipment for work. It was a one-off that she couldn't do herself- her work team had a flight schedule. I left work for about 2 hours bc I seemed to be able to schedule helping her out on this despite having a busy day.

Enabling seems to me to help her perform her self-soothing function on a once-a-week basis for 2–8 hours. I say self-soothing now, but since then I learned that soothing can be a very different experience for others. In the case of this ex- soothing to her seemed to be fighting with the primary relationship's person as a way to somehow maintain her personal psychological equilibrium. I saw the pleasure I seemed to unconciously derive from that, and today I'm happy to choose to live without this 'pleasure' and linked cost of doing someone else's self work for them.

Nice topic. 

[Turkish]

My ex and I tend to be supportive.  Yet she owes me $2500 according to the shared child expenses per the custody stipulation.  Yes, I let her know,  yes I'm resentful.  She told me tonight that she's taking the kids to Universal Studios in southern California for D7's birthday.  Yet another vacation rather than paying her obligations.  

She's told me several times about other things,  despite my child support, "you can afford it!" Over 5 years later since we established CS, I now make a lot more than she knows,  even though my medical insurance, originally included in the CS calculation,  has gone up $200/mo. I don't complain,  I'm providing for my kids.  She suggested tonight that I give the kids spending money to use on their vacation.  Yeah, right.  I've enabled her irresponsibility enough. 

[Sadly]

I thought I was being 100% supportive and if my ex had not had BPD then it would have been. It was a shock to learn I was actually being enabling. I feel guilty because when I did find out about BPD I carried on enabling. It is difficult when you are enmeshed and still love the person.