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Author Topic: TOOLS: How to deal with a jealous partner  (Read 26529 times)
Auspicious
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« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2008, 11:32:12 AM »

I'm still wondering, perversely, if I should be offended that my dBPD wife never suspects me of infidelity wink
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« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2008, 11:42:51 AM »

No, it is a great sign that she has faith and trust in you, and that she does't doubt you in that area. It means you have one less area to work on, so rejoice over that one 8)
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Steph
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« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2008, 02:05:40 PM »

 So here is my guess on the new employee:

Shes BPD. He is BPD. He gets emotions. He gets the outbursts..He can feel it.

 Ive seen this with my H and my adult BPD daughter. He "gets" her and when she is in total meltdown mode, no one else can reach her but him. What I am trying to say is... in my made up scenario,she likely got triggered with the yelling.He gets that, and felt sincerely bad because he felt her pain. Literally. And the guilt poured in because he was responsible and he is BPD and had to do it the way he did because he couldnt handle the repercussions. Poor boundaries, yea..but being BPD, his are pretty fluid, anyway. Anyway, its a more innocent possiblity to think about.

  Its got to be really, really hard to wonder about what someone you are trying to build your life with, is doing, and with whom. Its also got to be hard on him to feel that you dont trust him, and to be shown he isnt trustworthy. Just feels icky to me. What is the T saying about this?

Steph

 
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« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2008, 05:33:15 PM »

Tentative One, Yes, it is 'icky'. It does not feel good to have to wonder about his all the time. He has been directly and factually secretive and hurftul with other women.  And, if it's not a romantic thing, the boundaries have still managed to cause a buch of craziness and chaos.  About a year ago, he had an another attractive younger woman come work for him. She was good a what she does. He was so enamoured of her abilities, that he went completely ape sht about her. It was not so much a romantic thing, it was just sort of like...he worshiped the ground she walked on. So, in his zeal to empower her, her gave her carte blanch to manage employees. Well, her style with employees was much more strict and authoritarian than his. Actually, the place probably really did need to get tightened up. But, he felt uncomfotable with her style. Instead of being honest about that, he started talkingto employees behind her back. The new manager ended up feelign totally betrayed, especially after the near idol worship fuss he had made over her and about her to everyone who would listen (including me)...including the same excalmations he now is making about this OTHER new female employee...that he just LOVES HER!  Well, it all went to hell in a hand basket w/ the manager. She left, and very bitterly, feeling like she had been set up and betrayed. The busines suffered considerably for six motnhs in the aftermath of this debacle, and this woman now competes int he same market as he does and has taken away some of his business. So when my bf comes home and starts talking about how much he loves his new female employee, it concerns me for a variety of reasons, like...is he going to betray me romantically, but also, is he going to blur the lines so badly with this woman that it will end up a huge cluster-fhit like it has in the past. One that affects are peace of mind, the business, and our financial stability.

I have not spoken to our counselor about these two current issues I mentioned here yet; but she knows about the past history.  I feel very uncomfortabel brining up either the email or the employee issue.  What would you do?  Did your husband have any of these issues?
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« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2008, 07:26:34 PM »

 No, we didnt have those issues at all...I had zero tolerance with certain things and that was one of them and those boundaries were honored.

 I think I would drag it out of the closet...maybe have an alone session with the therapist, even on the phone, and then you can think about the ways to best frame it.

It just feels badly..its something I couldnt tolerate. For me, I endured so much before his recovery that this sort of betrayal would have just nailed it done.

 I really think it makes sense to draw the boundary. It may also involve you letting go so hard of the reins, too, as this is simply something that you cant really control. If cheating is a bottom line for you, he has to know it. And you have to be prepared to follow thru, or live with the consequences. Remember who you were when he first fell in love with you...and try to find that person again.

Steph

  Steph
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« Reply #15 on: December 01, 2008, 08:35:13 PM »

It is interesting...I actually feel nervous about bringing up the email issue and the employee issue up in our counseling session because of HIS reaction but also, I don't know what this therapist's take will be on it.

One reason being, we are still fairly new to her. There's been no diagnosis of bpd...she only knows he got a label of cyclothymia from a previous thx and she herself proclaimed him to have generalized anxiety disorder last time we met. She knows the previous thx fired him. And, she knows of our history, and I'm an MFT in training, so when I describe what happens I try to use language that is clear but also technically accurate. I suspect she knows what I suspect from what has happend and the language I use...but I've not thrown any labels out there. 

She has been clear that the point of therapy is NOT about finding an 'identified patient'. She was specifically indicating she did not want him to turn into the Identified Patient.  This is therapuetically sound in general, but as the partner of someone who seems to need treatment for an illness, it can also feel like you are not being heard or that you are not being taken seriously. On the flip side, if he sniffs attacks in any way, he would probably stop therapy..especially someone w/ bpd/NPD...so she may be working very hard to establish trust w/ him and that means making sure there is not even a HINT toward him being in some way the bigger problem.

If I explain the enitre email story...what if, depending on her outlook as a therapist, she considers it an invasion of his privacy that I have access to his email AT ALL, even though he has consented to it. She could do this for a variety of reasons for taking this stand... some of which I myself might... as a therapist, agree w/ too especially if I did not have a full grasp of what I was dealing with yet.

And, if I have to just let go and concede to not ever look at his email...if that's better in the long run I probably would be willing to do so and let the chips fall where they may. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat.

 However, I don't think my bf would interpret such a change in attitude based on a therapists opinion the same way I would.  I think it would, in a sick way, bolster his already defensive attitude about anything he perceives as an attack on him...I'm afraid it could undermine the in-roads I made with setting very clear boundaries and making my bottom line very clear...that he has been dishonest and therefore I expect total transparancy going forward.

I also look forward to the day (will it ever come) when I am not having to strategize and think about these kinds of things anymore. That's the ME I was when I met him. That's the ME I want back.
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« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2010, 02:59:57 PM »

I tried to "manage"the jealousy issue with a BPD for almost 5 years. In my situation, I found that it is simply unmanageable. I tried to do everything I could to avoid any situation that could possibly be misconstrued, even to the point that it was negatively affecting my career. What I found was that the need to be jealous seemed to really be rooted in the very deep insecurity that is the root of the BPD disorder and the BPD needed to find a way to make jealousy surface no matter what.Sort of like trying to "avoid" situations that trigger rage -- it is impossible because that rage has to come out eventually. Same thing with jealousy, or so I found. It is a damned no matter what you do type of situation. But in trying to do all that you can, you often sell your life right up the river -- and for what reward? You still get accused... accused... accused.

Anyone that seems to care for you, that human bond is completely foreign to a BPD. They have such little self-worth they can't even imagine anyone caring about them because they feel unworthy. Likewise, they assume everyone else is too. They can't imagine anyone could care about you, just because you are a good person worthy of it, so they assume that what they are seeing is based on something inappropriate.

About a month before I decided to split and end the insanity, we were visiting my parents in a town where I lived when I was about 5 to 8 years.  And during those years, my closest friend was a girl that was the daughter of my mother's closest friend. She was home visiting her mom too, so my mother let her know I was in town and invited her over. Well, first, my BPD ex might as well have pee'd on me right in front of this lady to mark her territory.The tension in the room, all emanating from my BPD ex, was immense.  She had that fake smile plastered across her face trying to hide her ugly real self and emotions. Not long after that my ex raged at my mother and brought that incident up -- how my mother had tried to manipulate and/or orchestrate some scheme to get me and this lady together.

I never cheated on my ex in any way shape or form. Not sexually/physically, not emotionally. No extra curricular anything. Completely true to the commitment I made to her and under God. Yet this type of BS is what I lived with. Now that I have walked away, I can see it was so much more unhealthy and insane than I was ever aware of while smack in the middle of it. And my take away is basically that I was probably a fool to have been so faithful to her. I can't even recall the number of rages I endured because she was convinced I had cheated or was about to. If you have to endure the punishment, why not bask in the bliss of the crime?

Well, because that isn't the type of person I am... but realy my take away is a realization that jealousy isn't found in any relationship of anyone I know that is healthy and long lasting. That is the bottom line. A healthy relationship and jealousy are mutually exclusive. My current GF is at a new year's party today, hosted by a friend that I also know and populated with a number of people I know. I am unable to attend because I have my parents in town and also it is my Holiday time with my kids. I am not the least bit concerned and my mind is not wandering one bit about what she is or might be doing. There are two reasons for that -- 1) because I am confident in myself and value my self very much "good enough" in every way that the least thought from her mind is to be looking for another dude, and 2) I trust her completely. And enough situations have presented where the tables are turned where I know she is likewise confident with her own self esteem and trusting of me. Trust me folks, this is so much better.

Trust has to come from a very deep place within a mentally healthy person. It just can't be faked, managed, etc with an unhealthy person. And if you go out of your own way to try to make it "easier" for the BPD to trust you, avoid triggering jealousy, etc. that is a form of walking on eggshells.

Lastly, I will say this -- my opinion is that since the BPD can't comprehend the idea of trust, fidelity, commitment, etc. there is a very real likelihood the BPD is projecting when he/she is making jealous accusations. We all know from experience and hearing storied on these boards that BPD's are rarely monogamous and true to fidelity. As far as I know, my BPD ex was not unfaithful, but my gut is telling me that I only know the tip of the iceberg. I have a feeling she probably did much of what she accused me of doing. And in fact, in the midst of "marital counseling" she did admit that in past relationships they all ended because she thought they were cheating so she went out and cheated as revenge. So probably, I am better of not knowing what I don't know.

Please consider this as you decide whether jealousy is something you want to add to your list of dysfunctions to "manage".

Sorry if I took the spirit of this workshop off track.
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« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2011, 12:49:47 AM »



Quote

Signs of suspicious jealousy include, among other things, constant negative emotions toward the partner; prowling around and checking on the partner's activities; spying on the partner's telephone calls, messages, and e mails; going through the partner's personal belongings; and being suspicious and feeling insecure when the partner gives attention to someone who may be a potential rival. Insecurity and an active imagination are crucial aspects in suspicious jealousy. These thoughts are irrational most of the time; they are painful at all times...


...Suspicion has a dynamic of expansion; it is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The initial seeds of doubts about the partner's fidelity give rise to a larger scope of doubts and uncertainties. The person's suspicion becomes the prism through which the world receives its meaning. Suspicion colors the person's picture of reality and supplies a permanent device for interpreting the partner's behavior. The person is constantly testing the partner's behavior. Every type of behavior, every action or word starts to be interpreted as a sign of something else, an indicator that supports and exacerbates the sense of distrust. Thus, in an infinite vicious circle, the more reasons the person finds for jealousy, the more solid the suspicion becomes and the easier it is to find more such apparent reasons. The violent energy of jealousy accumulates inside the lover and devours him from within.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200909/darling-are-you-suspicious-me

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« Reply #18 on: August 04, 2012, 11:51:55 AM »

Luckily I stumbled upon this old workshop as I have been feeling peeved with my husband's new jealousy spree. I have validated, validated and validated. It seems to help every time, but then he gets wrapped up in the negative self-talk and convinces himself again that I am cheating on him. And there I go again: "It must be hard for you to think that I am cheating on you, I can see you feel scared and insecure about it. I haven't cheated on you and have no desire to do so. I won't do it." Top with a hug.

What makes dealing with this easier this time around, is that I am actually aware of what triggered H's jealousy and why. It was my fault for lying him about a teeny tiny detail, saying that I had deleted some file from my personal computer that in a very disregulated state he demanded me to delete. I had told him I won't do it because it's a boundary of mine to be able to be personally in charge of what I keep on my computer and what not (it wasn't anything illegal or pornographic or anything). He went bonkers and I thought what the hell just to shut him up I'll say I'll do it. Weak of me, of course. Then I eventually hald forgot and half decided not to do it anyway. He found out and got mad. And is now convinced that I lie to him about everything.

Fun times.

However, the fact that I know there was something specific that I did that caused him to start feeling insecure makes it easier to bear the jealousy. I can heartfully agree that I shouldn't have lied, that it was wrong of me and I can see why that would make him trust me less. I validate his feeling of insecurity but then state my truth. And inside I know that I will never make such a stupid mistake again. I will be honest with him, even when he is sure not to like it, because once he feel reassured again I'm sure I'll be so sick of repeating the same SET-response, that I'll have learned my lesson.

Well, I just came her to rant about it because it was getting on my nerves. Just seems unfair at times that can tell me: "You are too insecure. I think you have problems with your self-esteem and that is why X is going wrong." _
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« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2015, 01:14:09 PM »

Do you have any resources for teenagers dealing with a jealous partner?
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