where to start?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

I am the mother a 19 year old, newly diagnosed BPD daughter.  We are looking into residential treatment options, but all will require moving.  We live in a small town in deep south Texas.  I have 3 other daughters, and am wrestling with how much upheaval is fair versus remaining chronically under-served here.   I would love to hear how many other folks uprooted everyone to find adequate treatment for one.  I feel like we need to be 'all in' and family therapy is a necessity, but I'm not sure how much upheaval is reasonable. 
I am just thankful to find a place where my family's stories' can be shared.

[Penny_JJ]

Hi,

I am the mother a 19 year old, newly diagnosed BPD daughter.  We are looking into residential treatment options, but all will require moving.  We live in a small town in deep south Texas.  I have 3 other daughters, and am wrestling with how much upheaval is fair versus remaining chronically under-served here.   I would love to hear how many other folks uprooted everyone to find adequate treatment for one.  I feel like we need to be 'all in' and family therapy is a necessity, but I'm not sure how much upheaval is reasonable. 
I am just thankful to find a place where my family's stories' can be shared.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Penny_JJ! 

You are definitely in the right spot for support, welcome!

My daughter is 26, diagnosed at age 18, so long before so many resources became available. I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you and share their experiences.

Is your daughter accepting of the dx?

I hope you'll settle in and become part of the family here, experts agree, a strong support network is critical.

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[stampingt1]

Welcome Penny_JJ,

My only child an 18 yr old son was diagnosed w/ BPD traits a few months ago. His T doesn't really agree w/ the "BPD traits" diagnosis. Some medical professionals like to wait until they are a little older when their brains are fully developed. DS18 is still undergoing further testing for an adrenal gland tumor & we just ruled out temporal lobe seizures. I would hate to see you move your entire family to a different city, only to find out that DD19 has something different wrong w/ her.

Unfortunately, we also live in an underserved town. Relocating isn't an option for us, so we are doing the best that we can w/ the resources that we have. He sees a local therapist. Then has to travel an hour & a half to see his new psychiatrist & will be starting in a STEPPS program in that same town next month.

Every family is different. I understand that you want to receive family therapy & be "all in". You would have to consider how much your DD19 actions are affecting your other 3 children, plus how easy would it be for you to find a similar job, schools & housing in the new city. Could you drop her off at the residential treatment program, since she is over 18?  Would it be possible to telecommute for the family therapy part?

I recommend that you get some self care, such as reading books on BPD, exercising & possibly seeing a therapist yourself. Reading books, seeing a T & being a part of this online group has really helped.

 
Stampingt1

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello PennyJJ
I join the others in welcoming you to the group and assuring you that you are in the right place. Stamping1 makes a very good point about self care. Loving someone with BPD can really take its toll on your health. It is important to have a way of replenishing your energy. I love how you put it about needing a space to tell your family's stories. That is great self care. What else could you do to strengthen yourself on this journey?

[wendydarling]

Welcome Penny_JJ

As our friends here say, start here with us.

Advice is families with residential firmly stay home. You need to live  healthy life for your other children and your 19yr learn how to be independently healthy. Parent's visit RTC and have family therapy online, catch up by phone. I'm in the UK so I'm sharing with you what USA parents share from my 4 years here. Staying home is healthy.

You can be 'all in' from home, how do feel about that? How is your RTC search going?

 bpdfamily has been life changing for me and parents here.

Welcome again  

WDx

[livednlearned]

Hi Penny_JJ,

You might find this 12-month journal of RTC to be helpful (mom and daughter are both from TX, too 

It doesn't answer your question specifically, altho it's a very detailed account of how lbjntlx experienced her daughter's long-distance RTC experience.

Does your D19 know about residential treatment? If so, how has she responded?

[Penny_JJ]

Thanks all for the lovely welcome. 
D19 was diagnosed with depression @7, then with generalized anxiety @12.  Neither of these diagnosed fully jived with us.  I am an RN and my husband is a pediatrician, so we know a little, but obviously, not enough.  After the most significant rage/self-harm incident yet, we knew that we had to change the game plan.  We signed D19 up for a 5 day Comprehensive Review at Menninger's in Houston.  This is where we got our new diagnosis of BPD with dependent and narcissistic traits.  Everything (well, at least a lot) makes far more sense now. 
D19 knows of the team's recommendation for RTC.  In peaceful moments she acknowledges that she needs more aggressive care to help her though she is far from excited (can't really find fault there), in escalated moments, she is beyond resentful, and sees this as punishment.  I think it has become the new trump card du jour that can be played when anything goes off. 
The trickiest part in the quest for RTC, is location.  I am from Canada, all of my family is there, and my eldest two daughters (D19 included, provided she is re-admitted/is safe enough to attend again) attend university there.  We normally spend our summers there.  I have found a centre in Montreal (2 hrs from summer HQ) but no nothing about its reputation other than its own website.
How important is the continuum of care post-residential?  Houston has staggered, transitional care, but Montreal shifts to a once a week outpatient appointment. 

Thanks again, it feels so good to know that at least in cyber-land, we are not alone. 

[Only Human]

Thanks again, it feels so good to know that at least in cyber-land, we are not alone. 

I know just what you mean, Penny! Everyone here is so supportive and kind, helpful.

Again, I have nothing to offer in regards to RTC stuff, sorry. I hope you'll find some good stuff in the link livednlearned posted. I do, however, want to sing the praises of the value of learning the communication skills we are all practicing. I don't know if you've had a chance to look around but the vast number of clinically responsible articles is priceless. A good place to begin is the thread pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE It's got many of our best articles with links to more. Have a look and come back here and talk about it with us. We are open 24/7 

~ OH

[PeaceMom]

Penny,
Menninger is top notch but DBT is at least a 1 yr program. They require one on one 1 x week and group 1 x week if they follow the Linehan model. RTCs act as a reset but they do not get into trauma work at all. I think a 30 day program could be a great jump start to calming the brain and getting in healthy habits of exercise, diet, starting the DBT coping skills. You will need to assist your DD put the aftercare part together. Unfortunately, if the don’t have that weekly accountable, then they will lose the skills. We are also Texans and my 19 y.o. UBPD DD attended a PHP then IOP for DBt but discontinued it after 8 weeks and seems to have forgotten most everything she learned.
I read mixed messages and theories on RTC, mainly because
some experts believe that the skills need to be practiced in real life vs the bubble of a center. I’ve read that when young adults return to their childhood home, many old habits and patterns return after RTC. Menninger has a great step down program where they ultimately live independently. So that might work for your family. Best of luck!

[Penny_JJ]

The 12-month journal was so wonderful.  Thank you for sending me that way.  It gave me great insight, and some hopefulness, which is a welcomed change. 
We started our DD at Menninger's on Monday.  Her sisters are relieved for the break but her father and I are in quite a slump.  She is pretty low, and quite emotional, which is totally understandable. It is very hard to talk with her because there are no words to make things better for now, other than we love and miss you, and that seems rather flat. 
I will be attending our first family session tomorrow.

[wendydarling]

Hi Penny, you made your decision! I guess it'll take time for everyone to settle at their own pace, it's been a tough week. What is your daughter's treatment plan?
There is hope they can help themselves, my DD is and I wish that for you and your family Penny.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hello, Penny!

First of all, welcome.
2. sorry I'm late to the party, but YES to everything posted up there.
3. I freaking ADORE Residential Treatment!  My DD was in one for 7 months.
4. I'm so glad you and DH decided on staying put and not moving 5 people to serve one.
5. How far away is the RTC from home?  Far enough that you don't have to visit every day?
6.  Keep posting.  We know.  We understand. We have been there or are there now.

You're not alone.


jyw

[PeaceMom]

Penny-
Menninger is top notch. The quality of care will be excellent, no worries there. She will likely only be there 2-3 mos max, right? They have excellent step down care-a PHP then IOP then OP to assisted independent living. Are you in the u.s. except for summers in Canada? And you think she may need to go back to Canada to resume college?

I would absolutely do your normal summer and just fly to family weekend and possible other required visits. Patients are there from all over with families far away.

My advice is College will always be there and this is a window of opportunity for growth during what appears to be the very worst time for young women with BPD.

As I read thru this blog I’m astounded at the similar stories especially of girls our daughter’s age 17-22. Seems like these are the critical and possibly more challenging years from what’s reported here.

I wish our DD could have gone to Menninger, but we spent the money on son there, instead.

Please feel free to send me personal messages with questions, if needed. After care is critical!

Hugs to you and your family today.