To what extent has this rs damaged my life?

[stoic83]

As a sit here facing a high probability of homelessness after my business has stalled and not taken off, I am wondering to what extent I can blame my involvement with my exwBPD.

One thing is sure, I spent so much energy trying to satiate her needs and be a "rock" for her, that I neglected my business to some extent. I probably missed some opportunities, and I probably had difficulties in my business relationships out of frustration and projection.

As I sit here facing a high probability of homelessness after my business has stalled and not taken off, I am wondering how much of a role the PTSD symptoms have affected my dealings with others. Sometimes I am paranoid, and afraid of being taken advantage of... . sometimes I look for red flags, I have a hard time trusting my gut, I ask the advice of others too often.

I doubt my own perception of things, because what seemed so real in the past involving my exwBPD, was not what it seemed. It caused me to start questioning my emotional intelligence, my intuition, my own emotional stability, etc.

I have been in therapy for about a year... . I am finally at a place where I feel better emotionally and have explored my FOO issues, etc. However, I am wondering what the extent of the long term damage has been on my life.

I know she is in AA, received an inheritance from her father dying, and in a new relationship. Her life is probably in a better situation than mine. Society helps her out, because she has a disability, her alcoholism. She plays the victim, and people help her out and she finds a way to garner sympathy from others, the system, etc.

Myself. Not so much. I am not too proud to ask for help. But on the surface, I look able bodied, intelligent, educated... . etc. Little do they know the hell I have been through, and I don't expect handouts. Im not a victim, im a victor. Im not a whiner, Im a winner.

People must assume there is something wrong with me, to be in this situation, when externally I seem like such a capable person. Good morals, virtues, intelligent, empathetic... .

I know that I have made some poor decisions. When I needed to catch a break, I haven't been able to. I am an entrepreneur. Much like the roller coaster that was this relationship... . so is my career.

It's almost funny knowing that my exwBPD is in a much better spot than I am. Strong social support network through AA, financial inheritance from her molesting father, and new relationship.

Me. Weak support network (lost a lot of friends during BPD rs), no woman wants to be with a broke entrepreneur, and almost penniless. Life sure is funny. I know I only have myself to blame for this. In trying to make a rs with a BPD work, I took a huge risk... . this is my reward. Not only did I lose her, but I lost myself, my previous life, and almost my well being.

Well, we will see what becomes of me my friends. Please don't assume it's for lack of trying. A CEO dangled a lucrative contract in front of me, and ripped it away yesterday night. I was counting on it. Since when do CEO's go back on their word? He said X amount of dollars, starting today.

Life can be really cruel sometimes. There has to be a lesson in all of this. Is this karma? For trying to love someone that couldn't love me back? For trying to help someone heal, and realize their potential? Was it selfish for wanting something in return? I heard that true, unconditional love, is unselfish... . I tried. It was supposed to be rewarding in itself. But I needed support, I needed love, I needed attention.

I'm no Jesus. Was this aarogant of me to try and be heroic? Is it hubris? In any case, I welcome homelessness. It can't be as bad as the rs with BPD. I feel stronger than ever. Bring it on!

Rawwwwwwwwwwwwwr!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Stoic, Sure, you can play the blame game and no doubt your r/s with a pwBPD affected your finances in a negative way, but so what?  Time to move forward.  Chalk it up to experience.  Put her out of your mind and focus on what you need to do to get back on your feet.  LJ

[stoic83]

Hey Stoic, Sure, you can play the blame game and no doubt your r/s with a pwBPD affected your finances in a negative way, but so what?  Time to move forward.  Chalk it up to experience.  Put her out of your mind and focus on what you need to do to get back on your feet.  LJ

Isn't that what I'm doing? I don't really understand the purpose of this message. It sounds kind of resentful.

[Lucky Jim]

Sorry about that, didn't mean it that way.

My BPDxW ruined my finances, too, so actually I'm sympathetic.

Perhaps the ending of your r/s will provide an opportunity for growth in your business.

LJ

[heartandwhole]

stoic83,

That is so tough, I'm really sorry to hear that the CEO took back the contract, and that your business isn't doing well.     In that situation, I'd be really anxious and upset.  I think you are handling it very well.

It's understandable to ask those questions about your r/s with pwBPD.  Similar to you, one thing that made me angry about my r/s was that he is the kind of man who will always have women "taking care of him," while I am alone working hard on my recovery and rebuilding my life.  I seem to have had several men like that around me, including my dad and other boyfriends.  Yup, I guess I was that woman who wanted to take care of them - yikes.  My choice, and it still made me feel like I got the short end of the stick!

One thing I heard once about unconditional love really stuck with me, because I used to think that "real" love basically accepted everything.  Then I realized that accepting something doesn't mean living with it.     Unconditional love has no conditions, but relationships do.  I can love and accept someone, or a situation, with every fibre in my being – and still choose not to be with that person/ be in that situation.  What I want and need matters, and making that a priority is not selfish, it's self love.  

[musicfan42]

I know she is in AA, received an inheritance from her father dying, and in a new relationship. Her life is probably in a better situation than mine. Society helps her out, because she has a disability, her alcoholism. She plays the victim, and people help her out and she finds a way to garner sympathy from others, the system, etc.

Myself. Not so much. I am not too proud to ask for help. But on the surface, I look able bodied, intelligent, educated... . etc. Little do they know the hell I have been through, and I don't expect handouts. Im not a victim, im a victor. Im not a whiner, Im a winner.

People must assume there is something wrong with me, to be in this situation, when externally I seem like such a capable person. Good morals, virtues, intelligent, empathetic... .

I know that I have made some poor decisions. When I needed to catch a break, I haven't been able to. I am an entrepreneur. Much like the roller coaster that was this relationship... . so is my career.

It's almost funny knowing that my exwBPD is in a much better spot than I am. Strong social support network through AA, financial inheritance from her molesting father, and new relationship.

Me. Weak support network (lost a lot of friends during BPD rs), no woman wants to be with a broke entrepreneur, and almost penniless. Life sure is funny. I know I only have myself to blame for this. In trying to make a rs with a BPD work, I took a huge risk... . this is my reward. Not only did I lose her, but I lost myself, my previous life, and almost my well being.

Well, we will see what becomes of me my friends. Please don't assume it's for lack of trying. A CEO dangled a lucrative contract in front of me, and ripped it away yesterday night. I was counting on it. Since when do CEO's go back on their word? He said X amount of dollars, starting today.

Life can be really cruel sometimes. There has to be a lesson in all of this. Is this karma? For trying to love someone that couldn't love me back? For trying to help someone heal, and realize their potential? Was it selfish for wanting something in return? I heard that true, unconditional love, is unselfish... . I tried. It was supposed to be rewarding in itself. But I needed support, I needed love, I needed attention.

I'm no Jesus. Was this aarogant of me to try and be heroic? Is it hubris? In any case, I welcome homelessness. It can't be as bad as the rs with BPD. I feel stronger than ever. Bring it on!

Hi Stoic83... even your name here is quite revealing... It implies that you're stoical as a person, choosing to get on with it by yourself. I can relate to a certain extent. I'm a really proud person too and hate the thought of asking for help and/or taking a hand-out. I like being self-sufficient.

But at the same time, you're only human. Everyone needs help from time to time and there's nothing wrong with that.

You say that you needed support. No, you need support right now or else you wouldn't be here. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. That's why I'm here too... because I need to get some stuff off my chest... out of my system.

It's good to have some kind of support system. I think that asking for help is a sign of strength, not a weakness. I remember being on holiday and not wanting to ask for directions in case I looked stupid. But now, I think "what's the big deal about asking for directions?" I was hell-bent on figuring it out by myself... figuring out the directions by myself... having that sense of accomplishment... that I did it... There's nothing wrong with wanting me trying to figure things out by myself but sometimes, my pride has hurt me. I've suffered in silence at times... by not talking about things, by not asking for help. I totally understand your point of view but even in that map example, I would have found my way quicker had I asked someone for directions. By trying to do everything myself, it made me stressed out and things probably took longer.

I think that you need to find a woman who will love you regardless of how much money you have... that she just loves you for you and not for what you have... that she just likes spending time with you, respects you, likes your personality etc.

[stoic83]

Musicfan42,

As far as finding a woman who accepts me for me and loves my personality, etc... . etc... . It's easy to say, but I think it's idealistic. I agree that money isn't everything, but I think that a third party person would have a hard time thinking I'm a stable person with the situation I'm in. It's easy to generalize, and say "this guy has made mistakes, otherwise he wouldn't be in this situation." I've tried dating, and while a few of the women seemed open minded, in the end it seemed pretty certain that they view my situation as a red flag. I can't say I blame them.

I'm too concerned about my lower level needs to be in a relationship. It would be nice to have that though.

I have been pretty vocal in my suffering and have sought out therapy and assistance from the community center, etc. I can't say I've found much in the way of help. I do have some friends, etc. People are very flaky where I live, and it's frustrating. Everyone needs help from time to time, and that is the situation I am in. Hopefully, someone helps me.

I am trying to help myself, but can't catch a break!

Thanks for the positive message, I will keep trying:)

Stoic

[seeking balance]

I am sorry about the contract Stoic - I know you were counting on that.

Sometimes life is just plain hard - it doesn't stay that way, but lord knows if feels like nothing is working when in the middle of it.

I like what musicfan says about asking for help - sometimes the greatest strength is the ability to be vulnerable.  Maybe, just maybe, it is time to think of a temporary plan while you sort through the reality of your business.  Many successful business entrepreneurs fail many, many times before they take off - so, this lost contract is one step closer to success!  Sometimes, we must play these headgames with ourselves so we can pick up and keep going.

If life were a game, it is clear that none of us have the same starting point or the same end point... . so, your life's game may look different than your ex's and focusing on hers is only causing you pain and pushing those "not enough" buttons.  Trust me, I know it is hard to reprogram your mind, but it can be done.

You mentioned before your family is back in CO and you are in CA - do you support back in CO?

[stoic83]

Sorry about that, didn't mean it that way.

My BPDxW ruined my finances, too, so actually I'm sympathetic.

Perhaps the ending of your r/s will provide an opportunity for growth in your business.

LJ

I didn't say she ruined my finances. I said that my rs with her most likely caused problems for me in my business. It has been a year, and I'm just trying to share that the damages caused to my life out of my own involvement with her continue, although she is completely out of my life.

I am sorry that you had problems too as a result of this rs. My business is completely on the backburner. I am just trying to avoid homelessness. However, at this point, I am embracing the possibility. It could be exactly the break I need to get my life back on track. I live in a warm climate, and it could be nice. My only concern is my dog, whom I love with all my heart. Having a hard time figuring out where he can stay. I realize that I will most likely be uncomfortable and unhappy in my homelessness, but that it will be an opportunity to take a breath and figure things out. It's seeming more and more impossible to try and keep this roof over my head. I'm trying to force it, acting desperate, and in turn it's pushing people away.

People are very selfish here, generally speaking. I have found some kind and caring people during my journey, but few and far between. My exwBPD seemed like such a caring and empathetic person, and that's what drew me to her. It wasn't exactly an act, it's just that she was emotionally unstable and incapable of consistent caring and empathy. It was totally selective.

Stoic

[stoic83]

I am sorry about the contract Stoic - I know you were counting on that.

Sometimes life is just plain hard - it doesn't stay that way, but lord knows if feels like nothing is working when in the middle of it.

I like what musicfan says about asking for help - sometimes the greatest strength is the ability to be vulnerable.  Maybe, just maybe, it is time to think of a temporary plan while you sort through the reality of your business.  Many successful business entrepreneurs fail many, many times before they take off - so, this lost contract is one step closer to success!  Sometimes, we must play these headgames with ourselves so we can pick up and keep going.

If life were a game, it is clear that none of us have the same starting point or the same end point... . so, your life's game may look different than your ex's and focusing on hers is only causing you pain and pushing those "not enough" buttons.  Trust me, I know it is hard to reprogram your mind, but it can be done.

You mentioned before your family is back in CO and you are in CA - do you support back in CO?

Hi SB,

My parents are not good for me. I believe that one or both of them suffer from mental illness. I asked my Dad if he could watch my dog, and he screamed at me NO, NO, and NO! And told me I was only nice to him when I wanted something. It was a bit crazy, and I just laughed.

My Aunt and Uncle are both child psychologists, but my Uncle is a bit strange. He seems to think that I can just get a substitute teaching job easily, not understanding that it's very difficult to get a position and that their are fees and licenses required. They have already given me money the last time I was in a bad spot, and I don't want to ask them for anything else.

I am not finding it easy to get a job. I have bad credit and my last "regular job" was four years ago. It seems everyone around here is looking for a specialist, and I have been juggling trying to sell crap on ebay, hold the business together, and applying for jobs, etc...

I have a friend in washington state. He lives in a strange town, where there is very little opportunity. But he has kind of offered me a place to stay. He is NPD. But we are good friends.

I have a lot of skills and I'm one of the smartest people I know. I double majored in Math and Philosophy. I know how useful I would be to companies, but I am just having a hard time being patient because now my landlord is subtly threatening me with eviction over 800 dollars, even though I have lived here for 4 years and have spent over 80000.

Sigh... .

It's nice to hear from you SB.

Thanks for remembering me:)

I watched pursuit of happyness, and I am ready to be homeless and enjoy it! I will get a gym membership and shower there. I just need a place for my dog. He's a mixed breed lab/terrier and I rescued him from the high kill shelter during better times. My friends are being jerks. They are tired of me being in bad situations and I leaned on them too much, and wasn't a fun friend during BPD breakups... . I empathize with them, but I wish they could be more understanding. Oh well... .

I am a victor, not a victim. I am a winner, not a whiner.

I have these problems, and I'm looking for solutions. Of course, I'm trying to land some work... . but the holidays hurt my job search and I'm just about at the end of my rope and need to get out of this high overhead situation before things get worse. I have 40 dollars and car insurance and cell phone about to hit.

Well, that's how it goes!

Stoic

[seeking balance]

I am a victor, not a victim. I am a winner, not a whiner.

Good attitude to have!

So, your plan as I understand it:

Live homeless, give your dog away, shower at the Gym... . ok that can all work.

What is your actual plan to earn money? 

[stoic83]

I have a friend whose website i built who may have a project for me. I've been applying for jobs. Tech jobs, product management, etc... . Im not applying for retail jobs, because it's not enough money to live off of... . if I go homeless I will contemplate it. But most likely will focus on saving business and will try and land contract work to survive. I have food stamps.

I had a great meeting with Nike subsidiary last week, and I saved their company 250k a year and they owe me an opportunity. Trying to link me up with CEO, but he's out of town.

The homeless plan, is actually plan c.

Plan A, is hold down the fort with ebay, online poker and web contract work. (trying!)

Plan B, is go to washington to live with NPD childhood best friend in a dead end area rent free and do some of the same.

Plan C, is homelessness with a positive attitude and good planning.(place for dog, and storage for valuables)

Plan D, is well homelessness as a last resort... . kicked out with nothing... . no place for my dog, or valuables.

What makes the most sense... . what direction do I take? I won't be able to see my therapist anymore... . they already gave me two free sessions. I emailed the CEO of the center and asked for help. Was denied by financial lifeline assistance program, due to the fact that my situation is so unique.

Stoic

[seeking balance]

I have a friend whose website i built who may have a project for me. I've been applying for jobs. Tech jobs, product management, etc... .

SoCal is a tough market without contacts - I know.  The interview process takes time, so surviving during that is something you really need to consider... . if eBay and online gambling works for you, then great.

Im not applying for retail jobs, because it's not enough money to live off of... . if I go homeless I will contemplate it. But most likely will focus on saving business and will try and land contract work to survive. I have food stamps.

Honestly, this is a not going to fly with me - sell it somewhere else.  You can have a roommate situation, work part time and be ok - I live in SoCal and I do know this to be true.  Is it ideal, nope, not at all - but it is feasible.

I had a great meeting with Nike subsidiary last week, and I saved their company 250k a year and they owe me an opportunity. Trying to link me up with CEO, but he's out of town.

A lesson I have learned the hard way, in business NOBODY owes anybody anything.   This is a good contact and you have a good track record, so offering them your skill set at a discounted rate might get your foot in the door and very worth the effort.  This does sound like a viable option - good luck here.

What makes the most sense... . what direction do I take?

Depends on what is the most important thing to you right now... . only you know what lengths you are willing to go to in surviving.  Setting aside an ego is hard (I know this too).

What I do know is this, you have a college degree and a math skill set - this alone is a huge attribute for teaching or technology.  SoCal is expensive and frankly the way you describe the people here, it doesn't sound like you like it - so why are you staying?

Stoic - nobody can bail you out... . you say you don't have people resources, so you are going to have to change something and that only thing you can change is you.  What are you willing to change in your life for some stability?

[stoic83]

I have a friend whose website i built who may have a project for me. I've been applying for jobs. Tech jobs, product management, etc... .

SoCal is a tough market without contacts - I know.  The interview process takes time, so surviving during that is something you really need to consider... . if eBay and online gambling works for you, then great.

I have some contacts. They won't stick their necks out. Too worried about their own situations.

Im not applying for retail jobs, because it's not enough money to live off of... . if I go homeless I will contemplate it. But most likely will focus on saving business and will try and land contract work to survive. I have food stamps.

Honestly, this is a not going to fly with me - sell it somewhere else.  You can have a roommate situation, work part time and be ok - I live in SoCal and I do know this to be true.  Is it ideal, nope, not at all - but it is feasible.

I'm over it. I didn't go through all of this pain and suffering to work for 9 bucks an hour. I know it's not a dead end job, but I've done this before and I've come to believe this a stupid strategy. You waste all your time working for 300 dollar paychecks a week that don't do anything other than cover partial overhead. I have been in a crap financial situation for four years. I can't do this anymore. I need to LIVE.

I had a great meeting with Nike subsidiary last week, and I saved their company 250k a year and they owe me an opportunity. Trying to link me up with CEO, but he's out of town.

A lesson I have learned the hard way, in business NOBODY owes anybody anything.   This is a good contact and you have a good track record, so offering them your skill set at a discounted rate might get your foot in the door and very worth the effort.  This does sound like a viable option - good luck here.

Thanks. Yeah it's not going to amount to hit. It's nice to dream and hope though. My friend works in IT, and he will cockblock me. He's a hater... lot of them around here. Lot of people don't want you to fulfill your dreams, because they don't have the balls to do it themselves.

What makes the most sense... . what direction do I take?

Depends on what is the most important thing to you right now... . only you know what lengths you are willing to go to in surviving.  Setting aside an ego is hard (I know this too).

What I do know is this, you have a college degree and a math skill set - this alone is a huge attribute for teaching or technology.  SoCal is expensive and frankly the way you describe the people here, it doesn't sound like you like it - so why are you staying?

Stoic - nobody can bail you out... . you say you don't have people resources, so you are going to have to change something and that only thing you can change is you.  What are you willing to change in your life for some stability?

I have made a lot of sacrifices to get my company to where it is. And I refuse to give up. It's not about my ego. It's about my life's purpose. I'm not sitting here complaining. I'm sitting here trying to figure it out. I don't want to go work in some retail store. I don't want to kiss ass. I ask for help and advice, and people give me criticism. It's so easy to talk down to someone in this situation.

I am sitting here sending out resumes. I made some bad decisions and this is where I am at. You are completely right. I do not like where I live and it absolutely needs to change. I like Socal... . san diego, and los angeles. But I do not like Orange County and neither do other creative, empathic people. It's bad energy all the way around.

Homelessness w/ income is a transition. Working at a retail job is not. You can't save any money working at a retail job. And I need money to move. Retail job buys me time to land some dead end 85k/year job that doesn't allow me to fulfill my life's purpose. I'm done wasting time. i know what I want out of life, and I'm going to fulfill my purpose and my vision. I'm so tired of this 50's ideology of work hard, and blah blah blah. It's a messed up system. There is enough for everyone on the planet, and everyone should do what they want to do. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I'm not going to throw it all away for fear of homelessness.

I'm not afraid anymore. I've crossed a threshold. 

[seeking balance]

I have made a lot of sacrifices to get my company to where it is. And I refuse to give up. It's not about my ego. It's about my life's purpose.

I'm not sitting here complaining. I'm sitting here trying to figure it out. I don't want to go work in some retail store. I don't want to kiss ass. I ask for help and advice, and people give me criticism. It's so easy to talk down to someone in this situation.

I am sorry you see an option not in your wheelhouse as criticism. 

I am sitting here sending out resumes. I made some bad decisions and this is where I am at. You are completely right. I do not like where I live and it absolutely needs to change. I like Socal... . san diego, and los angeles. But I do not like Orange County and neither do other creative, empathic people. It's bad energy all the way around.

Again, why are you staying where you know it is expensive, you don't have a job, and you don't like the people?  You own your own company, now seems like a great time to look at the bigger picture and figure out where you want to be.

Homelessness w/ income is a transition. Working at a retail job is not. You can't save any money working at a retail job. And I need money to move. Retail job buys me time to land some dead end 85k/year job that doesn't allow me to fulfill my life's purpose.

I'm done wasting time. i know what I want out of life, and I'm going to fulfill my purpose and my vision. I'm so tired of this 50's ideology of work hard, and blah blah blah. It's a messed up system. There is enough for everyone on the planet, and everyone should do what they want to do. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I'm not going to throw it all away for fear of homelessness.

Sincerely, good luck with your direction and it doesn't sound like homelessness is in your near future.  I do hope you get that break you are looking for.

[stoic83]

I have made a lot of sacrifices to get my company to where it is. And I refuse to give up. It's not about my ego. It's about my life's purpose.

I'm not sitting here complaining. I'm sitting here trying to figure it out. I don't want to go work in some retail store. I don't want to kiss ass. I ask for help and advice, and people give me criticism. It's so easy to talk down to someone in this situation.

I am sorry you see an option not in your wheelhouse as criticism. 

I am sitting here sending out resumes. I made some bad decisions and this is where I am at. You are completely right. I do not like where I live and it absolutely needs to change. I like Socal... . san diego, and los angeles. But I do not like Orange County and neither do other creative, empathic people. It's bad energy all the way around.

Again, why are you staying where you know it is expensive, you don't have a job, and you don't like the people?  You own your own company, now seems like a great time to look at the bigger picture and figure out where you want to be.

Homelessness w/ income is a transition. Working at a retail job is not. You can't save any money working at a retail job. And I need money to move. Retail job buys me time to land some dead end 85k/year job that doesn't allow me to fulfill my life's purpose.

I'm done wasting time. i know what I want out of life, and I'm going to fulfill my purpose and my vision. I'm so tired of this 50's ideology of work hard, and blah blah blah. It's a messed up system. There is enough for everyone on the planet, and everyone should do what they want to do. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I'm not going to throw it all away for fear of homelessness.

Sincerely, good luck with your direction and it doesn't sound like homelessness is in your near future.  I do hope you get that break you are looking for.

You know what. I am thinking about things all wrong. Reading my ramblings from a third-party perspective I don't even like myself. I sound like a real brat of a human being.

Maybe Orange County doesn't like me. There are a lot of apparel companies here, and in la... . I dont have any money so how can I move?

[stoic83]

SB, I got a 3-day or pay notice or leave yesterday night as well. I'm sorry for being crass with you yesterday.

I am just in a terrible spot.

[seeking balance]

SB, I got a 3-day or pay notice or leave yesterday night as well. I'm sorry for being crass with you yesterday.

I am just in a terrible spot.

Stoic - I do wish you the best.

[Moonie75]

It broke me wide open!

But I needed to get broken so I could see inside myself.

I need a bit of work, but once complete I'll be better than before. Best Ive been since my formative years!

It's the silver lining on the blackest cloud imaginable!