Newbie: running down a rabbit hole, looking for a way out.

[Hope66]

Hello,
Easter this year was just another holiday I wish I could forget. I would also like to forget most of the last 17 years. The confusion, the conflict, hopelessness and stress. We knew our daughter had something different even as a child. She had seizures from 1 yr to 5 yrs old. In grade school she seemed off ~ withdrawn and upset. I took her to her her pediatrician and asked him to speak with her because she wouldn't tell me what was wrong and I thought she might confide in him. He told us she was a very sensitive child but she would be fine. Fast forward to 10 years to 14 and she was emotionally not maturing and soon her younger sister (by 4 yrs) was becoming more responsible and mature then our oldest. Then the fights started and they came on like a freight train. It has mainly been me she attacks. I had no control of her. The counselor said it was me, that I didn't "follow thru" and was inconsistent in my parenting. Fast forward through high school and our daily battles have drove my 2nd into her room to hide from "reality at home" (all this has, so, left life long scars on her) My daughter got into a very prestigious art school for college. That lasted 3 months. I tried the tough love part, said we took out a 10 month lease on her place. She would have to get a job and pay for her place until the lease was up. So the wrong move... .By Christmas she was pregnant and the father her drug dealer/boyfriend. 12 years later brings us to Thursday Morning at 3 am. I was woken out of bed buy flashing lights in my driveway and banging on my front door and kitchen window. I open the door to 2 cops and an ambulance in my driveway. As this wasn't my first rodeo with this I took the news quite well. My daughter had overdosed on naproxian and had been talking to a friend, who had called the emergency people to our home. Where was I during this... .upstairs sleeping with her 5 yr old son and 11 yr old daughter that we have had guardianship of for the last 2 years. She was sent to the hospital. I had a quiet but full panic attack mixed with shock. I tried to sleep for a bit before the children got up for school. 3 days later we were sitting in a room with the mental health unit psychiatrist, social worker and 1 very pissed off daughter (because we would not come get her when she tried to discharge herself) The Dr. said from what he could see is she has BPD. I started reading Stop walking on eggshells at his recommendation and it was like looking at my life in print. Now I am here, battered, broken, afraid to say or do anything for years because it would trigger either my daughter or husband. I fear the thought that I'm happy and life is looking up, because it is always quickly followed by a crisis that leads me down a rabbit hole. Now here I am opening up to strangers looking for help that my family and friends can't give me as they are to close and don't understand. So Hello 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[please]

Hi Hope66,
I am new here too. It is awful, just awful what this illness does. I don't have a lot of advice as I am so fresh into this hell although looking back it has been  going on for at least 3 yrs. Me thinking it would get better as she was "growing up" Nope!

I am so sorry for what has happened in your life. 
You are right no one close to us understands. I don't tell a soul I just say "everything is great" "we are doing so well".

I know there are tools on the right side bar to read and you may find some or all helpful. 
I have read a few things but really don't how to implement some of these things to help me out of terrible situations.

So I welcome you here. I hope that you will find comfort, understanding and tools to help you. That is why I am here too.

I feel what you feel. It is so so hard.

[Speck]

Welcome, Hope66!

 

I would like to join please in welcoming you to the discussion forums. We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a safe harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Now here I am opening up to strangers looking for help that my family and friends can't give me as they are to close and don't understand. So Hello 

It sounds like you have been through absolute hades, and I'm sorry for this. Did the psychiatrist share his diagnosis of BPD with your daughter? What kind of boundaries have you set with your daughter? If so, do they work?

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Hope66]

Hi please, 

Thank you for the welcome and the support. It is so very overwhelming. We have had different diagnosis before but none of them ever truly resonated with me. I would see a few traits but not enough for me to say "That's It... .That is what She Has!" now we have some light in the darkness.

I too am sorry you need to be here. ((hug)

I have read a bit, but to be honest, I had to take a break. The tole from this weekend has done me in. I do what I need to do to take care of the little ones and hide this all from them (the best I can).

The breaks I get... .I have squirreled away in a novel. My way to hide from life.

I have glanced at all the links and have a couple of books myself. Tomorrow will be my 1st day alone since this all happened. (our kids had today off school also).

I have a list of supports I need to call tomorrow to put in place for my husband and I. This is the first time someone offered us help, it was ... .that feeling a drowning person feels when thrown a life preserver.

[Hope66]

Hi Speck,

Thank you for the welcome and support. It defiantly has been a walk on the dark side.

The Dr has shared the diagnosis with her, and they are 1. trying to help her find a assisted living type group home for her to move to. We don't do well with each other over long periods. I am her emotional punching bag and after a while (about a year) I am so hurt and angry and just everything... .That I seem to set off all her triggers while she sets off mine.
2. They are working with her and with us to set up supports and get her on the wait lists for therapy.

We have no official boundaries in place, she just knows to leave me alone right now as I am clearly about to fall apart, and I am just keeping it together enough to smile, clean the house, cook the dinner and take care of her and the kids. (a bit bitter) I love those kids, but I was supposed to be a grandma not a mama.

So much to read... .so much to learn... .so hope this works <3

[Speck]

Hello again, Hope66:

We have no official boundaries in place, she just knows to leave me alone right now as I am clearly about to fall apart, and I am just keeping it together enough to smile, clean the house, cook the dinner and take care of her and the kids. (a bit bitter) I love those kids, but I was supposed to be a grandma not a mama.

I see that you are experiencing such raw pain right now. I understand and am sending you a big hug RIGHT NOW. Now... .if your daughter is currently respecting your space, then at least, there's some sort of informal boundary there. This is good. Sometimes, that's all we have with which to work.

So much to read... .so much to learn... .so hope this works <3

I agree... .it can feel overwhelming. In time, though, the more you learn about boundary setting, I think the sooner you can reclaim some peace for yourself. For now, just focus on being really kind to yourself, and when you're ready to dig in, the educational materials are here.

Please let us know how best to support you.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[Hope66]

Hi Speck,

Thank you for the hug. small win today and I will take it. I came home from taking the 5yo grandson for his OT appointment. D is laughing and talking on her phone. She has made herself lunch (glad to see she is eating) I go to the living room and sit for the 1st time since 7 am. (it is 1 pm) she heads down to her room to "nap" I cleaned up all our morning dishes and put away all our stuff. I took 3 deep breathes and really tried to calmly ask her to go back upstairs and clean up her lunch stuff.

She washed most of her dishes " the pan needs to soak " all in a good mood. She headed back to bed. Wish me luck I am about to go back down and ask her to finish so I can get things ready for supper. (fingers crossed)

[please]

Oh Hope66,
That is a big WIN. One day at a time. It is so odd, what would be considered normal, to ask to pick up her stuff, is such a big deal for us.
I am standing with you...
Way to go!
 

[Hope66]

UPDATE to DISHES: I got side tracked and went into the kitchen and ALL her dishes were washed and dried and put away! Yeah! I know to some this seems minor but to Me Right now it means the world. It was my first purposeful boundary stand and it worked out so well. I know a lot of them won't but it so wonderful to have your 1st one work out. ... .baby steps

Thanks Please 

[please]

Wow what a great day!
That is so great. I get it!
XXX

[Speck]

Hello again, Hope66!

How have things been going at home since your last reported success?

We're always here if you need to talk.


-Speck

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders