I was seeing a guy for the past 6 months

[Depression = 72% of members]

A quick recap of my first post here. I was seeing a guy for the past 6 months. It was a roller coaster of a "relationship".  There was lots of push/pull from his end and demand/withdraw between us. The demands were basically me wondering where this relationship was going, and if it would ever be anything more than casual. He has had FWB in the past and I didn't want to be one, but it looks like it ended up that way. He love bombed like crazy in the beginning and after a bout a month the silent treatment would start and last a good week each time. It usually came after my inquiries into "what this relationship was". I never got any answers, he'd always beat around the bush and it would go completely ignored after ST was over, as I was too afraid to bring it up.

He's someone I have to seen during the week. And I've been dealing with the ST again but this time for the past month... .It was about 2-3 weeks ago I was sending texts that went unaswered and I started to feel stupid so i stopped. Didn't interact with him at all until today... .

I decided to ask what his deal was... .I know I should've left it alone but I am feeling so disgusting and hurt from being treated this way.

so I asked today ... .And  I got a lot of passive BS. When I asked about all this quiet he said the expected - I've been busy. And then threw it back on me; saying I've been quiet too. Well after spending a full week texting him and not hearing back, no kidding I've been quiet. He wouldnt man up and tell me any truth or tell me anything I wanted to know. Just beat around the bush. He said that I have seemed like I didn't want to talk to him (which has been my attitude when I've had to see him) I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old here! He even told me it was normal for men to go quiet and I'm just being "a girl" and reading too much into it. Umm a month of silence? Who wouldn't read into that? I'm so tired of this crap. I'm just hurting again now... .We had a sexual relationship and I just feel like he used me completely and maybe just moved on and left me to figure it all out on my own from the silence. I really didn't want to believe I was used, it's such a disgusting feeling. And now I'm angry again because he didn't respect me enough to be honest.

He's put me through hell and played with my emotions for months only to chuck me away like a piece of garbage  I went thru a dark time with the loss of a pregnancy that he didn't show any emotion over whatsoever. I feel like I went to the basement of "rock bottom" and had to pull myself out of it all alone.

I should've left it alone today, and I should've not shown that I care. I honestly just wanted to put him on the spot and ask in person since he has avoided my texts. He's a great avoider! And such a jerk

I feel so broken and stupid right now.

:'(

[Puzzledpieces]

A quick recap of my first post here. I was seeing a guy for the past 6 months. It was a roller coaster of a "relationship".  There was lots of push/pull from his end and demand/withdraw between us. The demands were basically me wondering where this relationship was going, and if it would ever be anything more than casual. He has had FWB in the past and I didn't want to be one, but it looks like it ended up that way. He love bombed like crazy in the beginning and after a bout a month the silent treatment would start and last a good week each time. It usually came after my inquiries into "what this relationship was". I never got any answers, he'd always beat around the bush and it would go completely ignored after ST was over, as I was too afraid to bring it up.

He's someone I have to seen during the week. And I've been dealing with the ST again but this time for the past month... .It was about 2-3 weeks ago I was sending texts that went unaswered and I started to feel stupid so i stopped. Didn't interact with him at all until today... .

I decided to ask what his deal was... .I know I should've left it alone but I am feeling so disgusting and hurt from being treated this way.

so I asked today ... .And  I got a lot of passive BS. When I asked about all this quiet he said the expected - I've been busy. And then threw it back on me; saying I've been quiet too. Well after spending a full week texting him and not hearing back, no kidding I've been quiet. He wouldnt man up and tell me any truth or tell me anything I wanted to know. Just beat around the bush. He said that I have seemed like I didn't want to talk to him (which has been my attitude when I've had to see him) I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old here! He even told me it was normal for men to go quiet and I'm just being "a girl" and reading too much into it. Umm a month of silence? Who wouldn't read into that? I'm so tired of this crap. I'm just hurting again now... .We had a sexual relationship and I just feel like he used me completely and maybe just moved on and left me to figure it all out on my own from the silence. I really didn't want to believe I was used, it's such a disgusting feeling. And now I'm angry again because he didn't respect me enough to be honest.

He's put me through hell and played with my emotions for months only to chuck me away like a piece of garbage  I went thru a dark time with the loss of a pregnancy that he didn't show any emotion over whatsoever. I feel like I went to the basement of "rock bottom" and had to pull myself out of it all alone.

I should've left it alone today, and I should've not shown that I care. I honestly just wanted to put him on the spot and ask in person since he has avoided my texts. He's a great avoider! And such a jerk

I feel so broken and stupid right now.

:'(

[Dhand77]

You ARE NOT stupid at all. You're a normal human being with normal feelings and emotions. The silent treatment is on purpose. It's emotional abuse. By him cutting you off, you yearn for him to stop. You want nothing more than for him to talk to you. He knows this. Which is why he does it. It's control.

I see my exBPDgf 5 days a week at work. We're ghosts to each other now. It kills me that it has to be this way. That someone I loved and thought loved me could be so cold, heartless and rotten. But, that is the sad reality. I HATE no contact. It's not me, I'm big on conflict resolution. No contact sucks. But, it's a necessary evil, so I don't make myself feel like crap anymore.

Just see it for what it is Puzzled, CONTROL. Notice that he's controlling your emotions by doing this, and remember no one controls your emotions but YOU.

[Puzzledpieces]

You ARE NOT stupid at all. You're a normal human being with normal feelings and emotions. The silent treatment is on purpose. It's emotional abuse. By him cutting you off, you yearn for him to stop. You want nothing more than for him to talk to you. He knows this. Which is why he does it. It's control.

I know  I just feel stupid because when I do confront him in person, and he gives me stupid excuses that I know are lies I just clam up and almost accept them cuz i completely lose my train of thought. When he tried to jab me back by saying "you've been quiet also" I almost lost my mind! What a thing to say! I spent a week reaching out and gave up talking to myself... .Does he seriously expect me to keep on attempting contact? Is that what they enjoy? It's so frustrating. Do you think they chose the vague ending over closure so they can keep that door open with you? It's interesting that he commented on me being "unapproachable" at school with my attitude... .How else does a normal person digest being ignored? Clearly he has no clue!

I see my exBPDgf 5 days a week at work. We're ghosts to each other now. It kills me that it has to be this way. That someone I loved and thought loved me could be so cold, heartless and rotten. But, that is the sad reality. I HATE no contact. It's not me, I'm big on conflict resolution. No contact sucks. But, it's a necessary evil, so I don't make myself feel like crap anymore.

I feel your pain here! It's tough when you don't have the choice  our kids go to school together so I will at least get summer off from having to see him. I find my hardest days are the school days, they always seem to take me back to square 1 after dealing with the ST in person, like i don't exist.

Just see it for what it is Puzzled, CONTROL. Notice that he's controlling your emotions by doing this, and remember no one controls your emotions but YOU.

I'm really trying to  I have read more than enough on this to know how it all works and what I should expect, i suppose I'm just having a hard time accepting it. Another reason I feel stupid... It shouldn't be this hard, I should be loving myself more than this.

[Stripey77]

... .there is actually another way of reading ST, actually, and that is that it could well be a defence mechanism (I agree, a very poor and emotionally immature one) as much as it is intended to punish.  As it is that we're not inside the minds of our exes, we can only hypothesise about why they are doing it and what they intend by it. Yes, it hurts like hell, and it is definitely about control, but maybe that's because it's one of the few ways they still feel able to exert control. I speak as someone who has just gone through 6 months of the same horrific scenario you both describe, and believe me I know the hurt, bewilderment and void it creates. I can also tell you that 3 weeks ago, my ex, having bumped into me on a night out, suddenly decided that this was the night he was going to start talking to me. Obviously, each of our experiences is different and the details of our respective cases also different, but, without wishing to give false hope, don't assume that they will never ever speak to you again. I know many on these boards advocate NC and embrace being ignored/ST. For me, it was a living hell. I wanted to at least be acknowledged that I was alive, but instead had to stand back in amazement as my ex slowly but surely deleted and blocked me from every aspect of his life.

Now, he was angry about something that occurred between us, or should I say, in a conversation involving others, and I daresay I was painted blacker than black all this time. He had some just cause to be upset, but in his mind, he has conveniently forgotten that he had in fact, at the time of this incident, already left me a 2nd time and informed me that it was 'for the best' that we didn't speak at all to each other. Not that I'd done anything wrong you note, he finished with me, having sought me out to get back with me, by saying that he knew how much I loved him so it wouldn't work. So  in fact, when he went 'over the top' and stopped talking to me AND deleted/blocked me, in fact the only change was that I was blocked on social media. But the mental and emotional effect on me was astronomical, because, as you have both alluded to, the pain of being stonewalled by someone you loved/love deeply, and who loved you in their way, is almost unbearable.

ST is learned. It's something that's been taught to our exes/SO, at some point in their lives, probably early on. I read a very interesting article about this elsewhere on another BPD site if I recall. Yes, it's cruel, it's about control, it's painful, it puts us at a loss. But we have to remember we are dealing with emotionally disordered people, whose first priority is to defend and protect their 'self'/their inner core.  The secondary effect of the pain it causes us, the recipient, is not in my opinion the main intention. I quickly realised that my ex was angry with me and was deleting everything he could because the mere sight of my face annoyed him. This was confirmed for me when he did start talking to me and told me that  I no longer exist to him, I'm a ghost etc. and that he didn't want to follow me on any social media or know what I was doing. The sight of me put him into turmoil so he dealt with it by removing those visual triggers. I think by putting us into a box and compartmentalising, he was able to kid himself that I had disappeared down a black hole somewhere. He was perhaps hoping I would leave the island and hence relieve his guilt/negative feelings about what he'd done, who knows. What I was sure of, even when I hit rock bottom, really the very pit of despair, was that he would one day want to talk to me again.  How right I was.

Indifference is everything. I stopped well meaning family members approaching him to appeal on behalf because  I didn't want him to know how much I was suffering. I felt that if I gave an inch, he would take the proverbial mile. I let my heart break in the privacy of my home and with friends but every time I stepped out, even to the shops, I made sure I looked good and held my head up. It was terrifying, I didn't want to see him and be rejected again, so to my regret, I've spent months avoiding parts of town at certain times. If I saw him out, I never let him know I'd seen him (and it happened several times) I mirrored the ST, I ignored his presence. I wanted to sweat him out and show him that I wasn't bothered, which was of course not true. But no one was ever bowled over by someone pulling at their trouser leg begging them not to leave. We as a species are attracted to independence, confidence, self love... .we know it means we can't push someone around. It IS about control, but you don't have to be controlled, you can show (even if it's not true) that you are cracking on with your life. They can carry on acting like a child who is lashing out the only way they know how, but you're not playing anymore. Fake it til you make it, as they say.

The point is, and I appreciate that we were all in different relationships etc. but... .I do believe they will talk to you again. I am sure. Don't hold your breath, do the opposite, go out. have fun, socialise, etc. etc...

More on this later. Good luck!

[Puzzledpieces]

Thanks for responding:)

A few days ago I had his mom ask me why she doesn't see me anymore. I didn't want to get into great details of my struggles or make myself look crazy so I didn't explode my every feeling on to her, but I was honest and said I had reached out asking where the relationship was going, and He has been quiet since.

She did mention that his dad is very passive. (His mother is the dominating one I can tell) and they remind me of both of my own parents to the extreme!

A huge part of me knows he's disordered in some form because this isn't typical behavior, but sometimes I wonder if he's just a gigantic jerk that used me and didn't have enough respect to end things properly.  I'm assuming that's not the case as the ST has been frequent through out the "relationship" and he always came back when i backed off. Maybe this time seeing how it's been longer than usual, he's either moved on to someone else or he's decided that I've asked one too many times about where this was going, and he can longer put up a charade regarding it.

I try to remember this isn't really about me, but I take it personally of course because it hurts and I'm sure he can see that.

He plays dumb in every way... .Acting like he doesn't realize it's been a month since we've talked...   I asked why he didn't respond to a past text about popping by before work and he said he had already left for work and forgot to reply. Which is crap because I sent it hours before he had work. His  answer to my "why've you been so quiet?" Was never answered, it was questioned back with "why have you?"  So much passive BS going on. I don't understand the lies! Why so vague? It literally drives me crazy!