... .there is actually another way of reading ST, actually, and that is that it could well be a defence mechanism (I agree, a very poor and emotionally immature one) as much as it is intended to punish. As it is that we're not inside the minds of our exes, we can only hypothesise about why they are doing it and what they intend by it. Yes, it hurts like hell, and it is definitely about control, but maybe that's because it's one of the few ways they still feel able to exert control. I speak as someone who has just gone through 6 months of the same horrific scenario you both describe, and believe me I know the hurt, bewilderment and void it creates. I can also tell you that 3 weeks ago, my ex, having bumped into me on a night out, suddenly decided that this was the night he was going to start talking to me. Obviously, each of our experiences is different and the details of our respective cases also different, but, without wishing to give false hope, don't assume that they will never ever speak to you again. I know many on these boards advocate NC and embrace being ignored/ST. For me, it was a living hell. I wanted to at least be acknowledged that I was alive, but instead had to stand back in amazement as my ex slowly but surely deleted and blocked me from every aspect of his life.
Now, he was angry about something that occurred between us, or should I say, in a conversation involving others, and I daresay I was painted blacker than black all this time. He had some just cause to be upset, but in his mind, he has conveniently forgotten that he had in fact, at the time of this incident, already left me a 2nd time and informed me that it was 'for the best' that we didn't speak at all to each other. Not that I'd done anything wrong you note, he finished with me, having sought me out to get back with me, by saying that he knew how much I loved him so it wouldn't work. So in fact, when he went 'over the top' and stopped talking to me AND deleted/blocked me, in fact the only change was that I was blocked on social media. But the mental and emotional effect on me was astronomical, because, as you have both alluded to, the pain of being stonewalled by someone you loved/love deeply, and who loved you in their way, is almost unbearable.
ST is learned. It's something that's been taught to our exes/SO, at some point in their lives, probably early on. I read a very interesting article about this elsewhere on another BPD site if I recall. Yes, it's cruel, it's about control, it's painful, it puts us at a loss. But we have to remember we are dealing with emotionally disordered people, whose first priority is to defend and protect their 'self'/their inner core. The secondary effect of the pain it causes us, the recipient, is not in my opinion the main intention. I quickly realised that my ex was angry with me and was deleting everything he could because the mere sight of my face annoyed him. This was confirmed for me when he did start talking to me and told me that I no longer exist to him, I'm a ghost etc. and that he didn't want to follow me on any social media or know what I was doing. The sight of me put him into turmoil so he dealt with it by removing those visual triggers. I think by putting us into a box and compartmentalising, he was able to kid himself that I had disappeared down a black hole somewhere. He was perhaps hoping I would leave the island and hence relieve his guilt/negative feelings about what he'd done, who knows. What I was sure of, even when I hit rock bottom, really the very pit of despair, was that he would one day want to talk to me again. How right I was.
Indifference is everything. I stopped well meaning family members approaching him to appeal on behalf because I didn't want him to know how much I was suffering. I felt that if I gave an inch, he would take the proverbial mile. I let my heart break in the privacy of my home and with friends but every time I stepped out, even to the shops, I made sure I looked good and held my head up. It was terrifying, I didn't want to see him and be rejected again, so to my regret, I've spent months avoiding parts of town at certain times. If I saw him out, I never let him know I'd seen him (and it happened several times) I mirrored the ST, I ignored his presence. I wanted to sweat him out and show him that I wasn't bothered, which was of course not true. But no one was ever bowled over by someone pulling at their trouser leg begging them not to leave. We as a species are attracted to independence, confidence, self love... .we know it means we can't push someone around. It IS about control, but you don't have to be controlled, you can show (even if it's not true) that you are cracking on with your life. They can carry on acting like a child who is lashing out the only way they know how, but you're not playing anymore. Fake it til you make it, as they say.
The point is, and I appreciate that we were all in different relationships etc. but... .I do believe they will talk to you again. I am sure. Don't hold your breath, do the opposite, go out. have fun, socialise, etc. etc...
More on this later. Good luck!
