Thanks an0ught
I want to be clear that I have never tolerated pornography. There was a period of time I didn't know about it. We separated for a time when I found out and when I found out after reconciliation that he lied about stopping, I asked that he stop and go to therapy or leave. He has been in therapy for almost 12 months and to my knowledge the porn stopped. My boundary is that I can't be in a relationship with him when he is doing that but I will when he stops. Is that tolerating it? I feel quite confused at the moment about what I am doing.
I reviewed the lessons while I was on the undecided board and they are helpful. I've been using dearman and set, and all the active listening skills I have, I think I'm getting better at using the various validation strategies.
The thing is there isn't anything to validate at the moment. He hasn't said anything about even one of the perfect storm of issues or being under pressure or anything. I spoke and he said I'm not willing to work on our marriage anymore and I'm leaving. Then he said will you help me get my visa? I said I'd think about is and then agreed. Since then nothing. He sits alone in our room on his computer and doesn't speak to me and he is sleeping on the floor.
I guess in saying that, the answer seems obvious. Just give him space since that is what his behaviour seems to be asking for. On the other hand, he often says "what I really wanted was for you to come and comfort me" but if I try he rages about me for coming near him. I am really confused, I think.