Physical trauma from long term emotional abuse can develop PTSD and C-PTSD.

[Frankee]

I had a moment of panic.  I was scrolling emotional health articles and came across one talking about narcissistic abuse.  There is doctors who have studied neuroscience and found evidence of actual physical trauma from long term emotional abuse.  People can develop PTSD and C-PTSD.  I remember what you said Cat about C-PTSD.

I have to honestly say that this is troubling.   I don't think I am allowed to share outside links, but anyone who reads this, please look up shocking impact narcissistic abuse has on the brain.  Gives me a while different perspective on my situation.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you have a counselor, Frankee. And you’ve been dealing with a lot, emotionally, and physically.

You underwent surgery for melanoma while you were in school, working, and being a mom to two youngsters. And during that time, you kept your grades up. 

Yes, those of us who’ve dealt with DV know how emotionally and physically exhausting it can be, and yes, it can lead to PTSD and C-PTSD over time.

I encourage you to fully share your concerns with your counselor. That way you can be assisted in maintaining the best psychological health while you have so much on your plate. This summer, when you’re not in school, will be a good opportunity to learn strategies to become more emotionally resilient.

[Cat Familiar]

I have to honestly say that this is troubling.   I don't think I am allowed to share outside links, but anyone who reads this, please look up shocking impact narcissistic abuse has on the brain.  Gives me a while different perspective on my situation.

What specifically do you find troubling?

[Frankee]

I find it troubling that there are studies that show actual physical damage to your brain after long time expose to emotional abuse.  I was already concerned about my mental state of mind, now It's actually damaging my brain..

I am losing it.  We got into a pretty heavy conversation.  I got to the point where I said I am not going to participate in this conversation anymore when he took another jab at me not acting like a woman.  I knew that was traveling down a very hairy path. 

He kept on.  Making comments about how he would like to see me leave.  He would like to see me try to do everything on my own.  Oh wait, I would just jump in bed with another man since I like working at hotels.  Telling me since so don't want to fix it that he was just going to leave.  Classic, well if you don't do this, a I'm going to do this.

He tried to blame me not comforting him a couple nights ago when he came unglued, screamed at me, said horrible things in front of the children, took a knife, tried to shove it in my hand and said if you won't help me, then kill me, and tried to push the knife at himself.  Then when I bring it up today, he gets upset I "threw it in his face". Even said that if I treated him better, he would treat me better.

I already called non emergency police department and a bay area resource center.  They told me the only dv shelter here is the one I went to.  I am trying to hold on until my parents come pick up my oldest one for the summer, but that is two weeks... I am afraid I might not make it before ending up at the dv shelter again.

[Frankee]

This is the second incident in 2 and a half months where he become extremely hostile and aggressive.   He tried to down play it and tell me he hasn't been treating me the same as he use to.  That is also troubling. 

[Cat Familiar]

This sounds scary. Do you have friends who can be supportive now? Have you packed a go bag?

Could your parents possibly pick up your older son sooner?

[Skip]

I find it troubling that there are studies that show actual physical damage to your brain after long time expose to emotional abuse.  I was already concerned about my mental state of mind, now It's actually damaging my brain..

I am losing it.  We got into a pretty heavy conversation. 

Is this the article you were reading?
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage/

Neurological studies have shown that stress alters the brain. Depression alters the brain. But we already know that, right? It's one reason it is often said not to make life changes when you are depressed or stressed. The situation ultimately reverses when we move out of the depression or stress.

It’s also responsible for the fight or flight reaction.  Victims of narcissistic abuse live in this state almost daily.  Over time, the amygdalae remember the things we felt, saw, and heard each time we had a painful experience.   Subliminal hints of such stressful events (even photos) will set off the organ’s attack or escape routines–triggering avoiding behaviors or internal turmoil (another good reason to refrain from stalking your ex on social media).

Is this happening with you?  Triggering?

[AskingWhy]

You may wish to read the book by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, "The Body Keeps the Score," about complex PTSD.

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22429941-200-the-lifelong-cost-of-burying-our-traumatic-experiences/

https://besselvanderkolk.net/index.html

That said, the brain can be reformed using techniques of meditation and psychotherapy.  Dr. Daniel Amen has done a number of studies of brain scans of people who have changed their brain structure thanks to neuroplasticity.

[Frankee]

Thank you for the article links.  Second paragraph in one talks about csncer... really hits home.

I feel this does describe myself and my current physical state.  I find I am tired... a lot.  I use to be a go go go person.  Now when I get home, sometimes I just want to sleep.  I had heartburn real bad yesterday. My stomach has been all messed up.  I see the signs.

I am at war with my past self and current self.  The current me, trying so hard to pave a brighter and stronger future.  My past self, telling my current self, it is time to emotionally process what happened to you. I keep flashing back to the recent outbursts my bph has had.  In a way, I am holding on to it.  So I remember why I am leaving. 

I love him and care for him, I know I always will.  I know he loves, in the only way he knows how.  I just know that you can't choose who youbkove, but you can choose who you are with.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am glad those links helped you.  

My own health has been permanently damaged by my R/S with my uBPD H and I was also going through a difficult time in an abusive workplace.  My auto immune system was trying to tell me something and I wound up with a chronic illness that I will have for the rest of my life.

My own FOO is also dysfunctional with siblings with addiction disorders and enmeshement with their adult children.  I have to stand back and take stock of my own life now.

Frankee, self-care is in order now.  Start to treat yourself well for a change.  We can disengage from our partners and see the abuse for what it is.

Our partners, according to my T, said pwBPD are in a great deal of agony.  They do not choose to be BPD.  This does not excuse the abuse, however, and we have the option to leave an abusive R/S at any time.

 

[Frankee]

I agree with that.  I understand that these mental health issues my H have are nothing that he chooses to have and are a result of his childhood and trauma.  I however took a long time to also realize that his disorder is NO excuse for the abuse.  He was also told he is bipolar which compounds the amount of ups and downs.  I have done a lot of researching and reading about every aspect of my situation.

I felt obligated for a long time to stay with my H because I felt like I was the only one who understood him, that could help him, that loved him, etc.  There was always a crisis, always money issues, health issues.  Even now, his money management  is shot, he needs to go get a heart test done, and He's doing the guilt trip.  I have accepted that it won't change and I am.not going to participate in this cycle anymore.

When I leave, I known in my heart that I can't go back.  He needs help.  A lot of it.  I can't be his punching bag or crutch anymore.

[Frankee]

I am feeling pretty good about my choice to leave him for good.  It is almost a freeing feeling I am having.  Not only today did he miss work, but it was my fault. 

I am going to be the reason why he loses his job, I am going to be the reason why social services comes and takes the oldest child for missing too much of school, I don't help at all, He's the one with bipolar (waiting for him to use that) and is functioning fine, if I don't want to spend time with him, plenty of women do, I haven't been diagnosed with anything except mild depression, yet I am the one giving up, I am thebone yhat doesn't want to do anything with mylife.

I am sure all of us had heard some sort of emotional and verbal bashing such as this.  I am not letting it be my truth anymore.  I just went about my business of doing what I was doing.

I am now seeing that he expects me to continue on listening to and taking this emotional abuse.  He's right.  I have given up.  I have given up on trying to be his dancing monkey.  I am so done and I can't wait till this Friday.

[I Am Redeemed]

Good for you for not buying into his distorted truth, Frankee. I did that far too long in my r/s, and it finally occurred to me that I was letting an unstable person define my reality.

There was nothing I could do to change his perceptions, because they were all based on feelings and not reason.

[Frankee]

Good for you for not buying into his distorted truth.

There was nothing I could do to change his perceptions, because they were all based on feelings and not reason.

Thank you   It was a very hard thing to come to terms with.  No matter how hard I tried to convince him that the accusations weren't true, he always saw black or white thinking.

He knows it was his fault.  He knows that he treated me horribly, he says he knows he is F*ed up and he doesn't want to be, thinking of losing me or me not loving him hurts too much.  All the time he was talking about how he never felt this way before, all I could think was... I need more time.

Now is a very hard time for me.  I can see he is trying and he wants to get better.  The problem is, even when I was talking to him, I did my best to bring down the conversation to reality. My feelings for him are really gone.  The "wife" he wants, will never come back.  She is still part of me, but I also know he no longer deserves that part of me.

I feel bad.  I know what is coming.  I have laid out an extensive plan, talked to and told people I need too.  All the time, he is crying about me not loving him and wanting his wife back.

The way I feel.. this emotional well has run dry.  No more filling up the bottomless bucket of his feelings.  He keeps digging for more resources and I have nothing more to give.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s sad when love dies. Sometimes love can be renewed, but when there’s a lot of water under the bridge, the chances of that happening become slim.

I felt some grief about the ending of my marriage to an abusive spouse, but mostly I felt relief. I had a lot of details to attend to and that took much of my focus.

[AskingWhy]

I feel this does describe myself and my current physical state.  I find I am tired... a lot.  I use to be a go go go person.  Now when I get home, sometimes I just want to sleep.  I had heartburn real bad yesterday. My stomach has been all messed up.  I see the signs.

Frankee, your body is telling your something.  Your body is reacting to the stress in a physical way.  Your are shooting too much adrenaline.

See this link and see if it makes sense to your health.  

https://www.drlam.com/adrenal-fatigue/lifestyle/toxic-relationships/

[Frankee]

That link did help AskingWhy.  It sounded all too familiar. 

I feel pretty happy with myself.  There were honestly a few times where I seriously doubted myself.  I ALMOST got sucked back into his honeymoon phase.  But, I stayed on my path.  Kept my self awareness alert and really saw things for what they were. 

I admit there were a couple times I had to "play" a part.  I know some may advise me not to do such, but a circumstances arose.  Couple days ago, I tried a few different approaches suggested to me before to him "expressing" his feelings (where I wasn't his wife etc).  Nothing was working.  I was really afraid if I was honest with my feelings, he may have seriously to me to pack my things and get out.  Not being able to execute my exit plan.  That was the worse feeling.  Having my plans ruined.  All I did was lay my head on his leg.  A simple gesture that avoided an all out fight.

I keep telling myself that I spent years in a lot worse situations and I am still here.  I can do this and make it through the next few days.

[Cat Familiar]

That was a good strategy to avoid a fight.

You still care about him, so there's truth in expressing care. It's just that you no longer feel the romantic love, but you still feel concern for him. And nurturing that friendship-love will be important as you will be co-parenting for many years and having a peaceful harmonious relationship will benefit the boys.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, one of the things to know about DV is to trust your instincts.  People, especially women, are programmed NOT to trust their instincts of self protection. 

I think I posted this link to you some time ago, but I will post it again.   

It's called, "The Gift of Fear, " by Gavin de Becker.

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffsb-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0440508835

[Frankee]

I am definitely trying to cultivate a friendly exchange between us in our last few days.  Since only I know they are our last few days.  I woke up this morning and started packing up what I could.  It was bittersweet.  I am really going to miss having my own "home".  I am not sure I will absorb that impact of loss until I am out safely with the boys.  I feel somewhat on autopilot.  Doing what is necessary to get the time I need and sparing myself from unnecessary heartache.

I am being hypervigalent at the same time.  Anything I have to do to make my exit plan go smoothly, I have been covering my tracks and hiding everything I can in discreet places.  As long as I don't say anything about leaving or being done (his triggers) I should be able to ride out the next few days without a hitch.

[Frankee]

Another reminder.  He blew up about, I think being hungry.  Ended up with him saying how he doesn't want to be with me and needs to think about starting a new life.  Said I can throw a fit and get mad.  I just was like, meh, and continued cooking.

He apologized later, told me I didn't deserve that and thanked me for being SO understanding.  Messed up part.. my understanding.. was a giant act.  I really wanted to throat punch him and tell him to go to he//.  What is even more disturbing is, how I acted, I wanted to throw up.  That is how he wants me to be?  I died a little inside when I had to do what I did, just so he wouldn't do something absolutely crazy.

I can't live like this and unlike him who is just screaming and doing the I hate you/I love you, I am actually doing something about it.

[Cat Familiar]

The difference is now you are fully aware of the compromises you've had to make for years, just to keep things from blowing up. And you're seeing how that impacts you.

[AskingWhy]

Ended up with him saying how he doesn't want to be with me and needs to think about starting a new life.  Said I can throw a fit and get mad.  I just was like, meh, and continued cooking.

He apologized later, told me I didn't deserve that and thanked me for being SO understanding. 

I think being a codependent is a stage many of us are at where we tolerate the intolerable.  We give so much empathy for the worst behaviours until we don't have any more.

My uBPD H throws those hints at divorce when he is dysregulating, and I also say, "meh."

Stay strong, Frankee.   

[Frankee]

I wish he really felt that way about not wanting to be with me, starting a new life, etc.  Would make this so much easier.  I know it is a trap.  A test.  The push.  To see if I crack.  Nope.  Few times I really wanted to come out and just tell him, but I know that would be the end to everything and no getting out as planned.  Some serious self control I am having to practice right now.  I am glad I can come on here and talk to my friend about it.

I am so aware at how much I have given up being myself to try to appease him.  So much I have given to prevent blowups.  The awareness is grating at my nerves because I realize it so much I almost can't stand it.  I count down the days every day.  2 more days.

[AskingWhy]

I count down the days every day.  2 more days.

Please stay strong, Frankee.  You are at the home stretch and you need to protect yourself. Women are the most danger when leaving an abusive R/S when they are actually leaving.   

[GaGrl]

I agree...stay cool, stay strong, stay safe.

We are with you on this.

[Frankee]

I wish he really felt that way about not wanting to be with me, starting a new life, etc.  Would make this so much easier.  I know it is a trap.  A test.  The push.  To see if I crack.  Nope.  Few times I really wanted to come out and just tell him, but I know that would be the end to everything and no getting out as planned.  Some serious self control I am having to practice right now.  I am glad I can come on here and talk to my friend about it.

I am so aware at how much I have given up being myself to try to appease him.  So much I have given to prevent blowups.  The awareness is grating at my nerves because I realize it so much I almost can't stand it.  I count down the days every day.  2 more days.

[Frankee]

My youngest is in daycare, my oldest boy is with his grandparents on vacation.  I am sitting on the beach, alone, and couldn't feel better.  Just being able to leave when I want to, go where I want to, and talk to whoever I want to... Is an amazing feeling.  Something so simple as sitting on the beach, not worrying about someone blowing up my phone, wanting to know where the he// I am, wondering who I am talking to, who I am seeing.

Just recently, even a small thing such as taking the truck to work by myself led him to ask me who I am going to see.  He didn't trust me enough to go to work by myself.

I am never going back.  I know I do not deserve to be treated that way, I do not deserve to be talked to that way, he abused my kind heart, and made me hate myself and feel like I couldn't do anything right.  I felt more like his handmaid than a wife

I am free.  I know it will be hard taking care of myself and two little boys, but I am resourceful, resilient, strong, compassionate, clever, smart, have experience in dealing with all kinds of hard situations, and I am on the pathway to becoming a nurse.

When I cry, it is tears for the hurt I endured and it is for tears of joy, knowing it will never happen again.