She knows I am planning something...I am VERY SAD TODAY.

[michel71]

Hello friends. Some of you may have seen my other posts but basically I am at the point of divorce. I was waiting until our respective kids ( we have visitation) go back to their other parent. That will be next week.
It has been extremely tense in the home. We are not talking to each other much. After my last argument with my uBPDw she told me that I was scum. It is not like I haven't heard worst from her but this time it just sealed the deal for me... .that this relationship will not work.
Her birthday is on Tuesday. She told me that she wants to go out and celebrate with just her kids. Not me. No my daughter. She said that she feels that there is an "elephant in the room" and that I am planning something but I am just waiting until I get back from taking my daughter back to my ex.
OF course she is right. But I did not say anything.
I am feeling bad. Typical me putting her feelings above mine, but I just don't want her to have a bad birthday. She does not even want a card from me. ( I already got her a fit bit last month... .early BD present).
It hurts my feelings that she does not want me to spend it with her.
It hurts me to know that she feels that I am planning something.
I don't want to hurt her.
I don't.
I cycle through different feelings throughout the day. Sometimes I am clear headed and know ending it is the best thing for me (maybe her too). Sometimes I am angry and very resolute that I don't have to give up my life for her, just for her to show me love on her terms. Sometimes I am in a daze. Sometimes I am scared... .how much will this cost?
Sometimes its weird things like I think: what am I going to do if/when my dog gets sick and I won't have her here to help me (above all else she loves and is sweet to my dog). Or what happens if I get sick?
I am just very sad today.
This time visiting with my daughter has been so tainted by my own inability to be present. She is 11 and is not aware of anything going on... .just having fun and playing with her step sister and friends. But I am so preoccupied with my thoughts and grief. I go through the motions but I am out in the ozone layer.
I feel so terrible about that when time is so precious with my little one.
If anybody could give me some words of wisdom I would appreciate it.
I wouldn't say I am getting sucked back in but I am just really starting to feel bad for hurting my uBPDw.
She says she still loves me and I do her... .but it is SO TOXIC.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry michel, you are in a painful situation, and it's a bummer that it's come to this, but it has.  I'm sorry you're sad.

I don't want to hurt her.
I don't.

At the times you're clear headed you say you know ending it is the best thing for you and maybe her.  So there it is.  Hurt will be inevitable, for both of you, but always better and hurts less to yank the band-air off quickly than to pick at it, which will make it worse and make it heal slower yes?  She already knows you're planning something, so the wheels are in motion already, might as well follow through with the plan without delay since you've made your decision.  It will hurt less in the end.

[heartandwhole]

Hi michel71,

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. It's so understandable, and not wanting to hurt someone else is very normal and human.  

You mentioned, "how much will this cost?" That is a very powerful question, and I encourage you to ask yourself what the relationship has already cost you.

You are worried about hurting your ex, but you are here, in so much pain yourself. You don't want to abandon her, but you are routinely abandoning yourself. I am saying this as someone who has done the exact same thing, for years.    The bottom line is that if we are not able to be present with ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to be? And especially someone who is mentally disordered?

There is no way to get around the hurt: divorce is painful. Weigh the costs of continuing to live like this with the cost of a final breakup(breakthrough?).

I know it's hard, and it hurts so much. We are here for you.  

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Thank you so much for the responses. I am out of town this week. A perfect opportunity to have distance and a good think on things ( not like I don't obsess constantly over my situation anyway).
My uBPDw and I had a long talk before I left. She agreed that we both cannot live so unhappily. She asked if we could go to counseling and sort this out ONCE AND FOR ALL; if not, then split. I don't think she was playing games with me. We both acknowledged that we love each other but that it is not healthy to stay together if we can't change the dynamics. The problem, as usual, is that she sees it as mostly ME. I didn't bite when she went on and on about all the ways I have failed her and how it all effects HER. She typically flips things around (as many of them do) and make it about themselves.
So I am considering counseling. I just don't feel very hopeful. And I feel kind of nauseated at the thought of signing myself up for more continued cycles of abuse while we "work on it". But I love her. And it hurts like hell to let her go. I already started to feel the pain of loss these last weeks. Its like heroin. You know you have to quit, you want to quit, everybody wants to quit. You start to quit and it becomes excruciating. So you just want a little "fix" to stop the pain of detoxing. Then you are back into it again before you know it.
I have never been on drugs or addicted to anything... .but her.
I wish I could just run away. I fantasize about not going back home, staying where I am. Unrealistic. I have a great job, not close to retirement at all and have lovely friends and a great life... .except for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

So I am considering counseling. I just don't feel very hopeful. And I feel kind of nauseated at the thought of signing myself up for more continued cycles of abuse while we "work on it". But I love her.

Nice michel.  If she blames everything on you in counseling, which it sounds you fully expect her to do, the counselor will surely call her on it, and apart from being validating for you, it might get in for her, she may gain some awareness from it.  And of course the doors may shut and the defense mechanisms may show up, but if she heard it, she heard it, and you love her, so whether you stay together or not, the counseling may enrich both of your lives.  Something to consider? 

[michel71]

I suppose any positive insight out of the experience is a good thing, whether it is for us as a couple ( should we continue to be) or for ourselves individually. I really don't want to go into this pessimistically but I can't help but feeling that we have been down this road before without success. Although she really didn't stick it out last time. Only a few sessions.

[fromheeltoheal]

Although she really didn't stick it out last time. Only a few sessions.

Do you know what caused her to stop in the past?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I am sorry for your sadness.  I feel like I could repeat your description of not wanting to hurt her.  I have gotten past the stage of feeling love, but I understand what it's like.
Have you decided with sureness that you will divorce?  Or, is you gut trying to buy time?
Do you have justifiable hope to make things work - bearing in mind they will never be a normal healthy relationship?
If so, give yourself some more mental vacation from the subject and let the feeling come and go.

If you've decide and it's certain, well, as an analogy, I wonder why they sterilize the needle site prior to doing a death sentence by lethal injection.  Your relationship is going to change forever, maybe fully end with no contact. In that case, do what must be done without remorse or thought.

[michel71]

I reviewed a previous post of mine but I wanted to respond to the question of why she stopped last time we attempted counseling.
First off, it took us a few counselors before we found one that she liked. We went to a few sessions but her mantra had always been that it is too painful for her to have to sit there and listen to me complain about us and that it is actually counter-productive for her and makes it worse.
Early on in our relationship, when things started to go terribly wrong, I suggested counseling. She said " that is for people who are divorcing".
She really has been adverse to it all along and I think it is because she doesn't want to face her own culpability and be called on it by somebody else because... .GOD FORBID... .it must be true!
Anyway, if you read my other posts you know the current events:
I was planning divorce but then agreed to try again and seek counseling and a financial advisor. Things were going well until today when we had a disagreement about finances. She then told me that she wants a divorce. And this time I think she means it. In a way it takes the pressure off me. It is not me doing it, it is her. Same result. Same pain. But I just didn't want to be the "bad guy".

[SamwizeGamgee]

I sense a little relief in your statement. 
Do you feel that you wanted to trigger her into finally saying that she wants divorce?
Almost like you needed her to say it?

[michel71]

No. I didn't want to trigger her. I thought that we were going to try again. We were going to go to counseling again and even get a financial advisor to sort out our money issues. Things were good this last week and I was feeling hopeful.
I woke up this morning completely gutted.