Do I tell her sister?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi All,

I wanted to get everyone's input on an issue I am struggling with and wondering if anyone has ever done this. After 2 years with my exgfBPD i discovered BPD and began researching etc. That was 2 years ago... .I have never mentioned this to anyone close to her about me believing her to be BPD. Her sister and I are or were fairly close and her sister also deals with a great deal of the BPD effects like I did. I have this urge to tell some body to let someone know, because telling my EX is definitely a fruitless endeavor and I want to keep NC. I want to let her sister know for some reason such that she can hopefully find resolve with dealing with her as I have.  What does everyone think is this a bad idea?   

[trampledfoot]

Hi All,

I wanted to get everyone's input on an issue I am struggling with and wondering if anyone has ever done this. After 2 years with my exgfBPD i discovered BPD and began researching etc. That was 2 years ago... .I have never mentioned this to anyone close to her about me believing her to be BPD. Her sister and I are or were fairly close and her sister also deals with a great deal of the BPD effects like I did. I have this urge to tell some body to let someone know, because telling my EX is definitely a fruitless endeavor and I want to keep NC. I want to let her sister know for some reason such that she can hopefully find resolve with dealing with her as I have.  What does everyone think is this a bad idea?   

[bunnysc]

You can do it, but to be honest I wouldn't. Its not your responsibility even if it sounds harsh. Reading your post makes me feel connected with what you say, cause at some point I wanted to do the same (just by continuing to help demonstrates you are a good person) ... .But do you want to keep exposing yourself instead of trying to heal and move on? Gosh I don't even believe I am writing this because its been very hard for me to just forget about everything and on... .

[.cup.car]

I did.

Her sister sympathized and sided with me.

Then a year later the conversation was used against me in court and considered harassment.

Good luck, have fun.

[Fluff]

I told my ex's psychologist brother. I don't know, it felt good to leave a clue before I walked away... .probably burning the last bridge by contacting him... I didn't tell him any details. He knew about some of the suicide threats and stuff so i told him to counsel a specialist in BPD and that it was serious.

I guess it's generally discouraged because you need to get away from trying to save the pwBPD. If you and the sister are friends I can see you getting stuck in, a now team-effort, to rescue the pwBPD.

[trampledfoot]

I honestly have no idea how she will react. Me telling her that her sister has a mental illness.  I am saying it in the most straight forward way possible but as was mentioned. I have spent 4 years dealing with this half of which I knew what it was and i could never bring myself to tell anyone. It is that clue that here is the answer that MAYBE you were looking for. I couldn't imagine being in that situation myself. If i was a parent, son, or even close friend to care about someone and never quite able to make sense of their behavior. Quite honestly I am deeply intrigued to find out her sister's reaction as well. I have spoken a few of those very close to her about her behavior but never naming BPD and all signs regarding her friendships, prior relationships and current new replacement relationship all point to BPD.  The need to let someone know OTHER than her because i think everyone would agree telling the BPD is useless.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey trampledfoot, It's your call but I doubt it will be well received by your Ex's sister.  I understand that your intentions are good, but think it would be easy to misinterpret the message.  Suggest you pause and rethink whether this is such a good idea.  Lucky Jim

[Indyan]

I did.

Her sister sympathized and sided with me.

Then a year later the conversation was used against me in court and considered harassment.

Good luck, have fun.

Same here.  :'(

She sympathized up to a point. Then she BELIEVED everything he said about me (all rubbish) and turned against me. She even encouraged him to see a lawyer behind my back... .she even told me "that he could get full custody". When I found out he'd seen a lawyer I cracked up, I told him that meant the end of our r/s. She came and picked him up, as he was so desperate, poor little thing. When I tried to phone him on HIS phone, she picked up the phone and told me "it was all over".

I hate her, and she's the very first person I've ever hated in my life.

She (along with the illness) not only destroyed my r/s, but she threatened to take my baby away.

Beware that pwBPD often come from dysfunctionnal families who refuse to see the problem, and (as far as the parents are concerned) who refuse to take their responsabilities.

[Recooperating]

I wouldnt do it personally, but I get why you would do it.

First of all, she is not your responsibility anymore. She is your ex and (sorry if this is harsh) its none of your bussiness any longer. Although I know you have the best intentions in the world!

Second, her sister isnt "your side" of the team anymore. Your ex has a right for her family to be in her corner. To have her back. If you would tell me this about my sister (who's bipolar) I would stand up for her, cause no matter what she's my sis! (I had the same doubts about my ex mother-in-law, but decided not to. Its his mom and she needs to be in his corner... .)

If you really want to do something, please analyse why? Are you still trying to rescue her? If you still want to do it, I'd just put a pamflet or info broschure of some sorts on BPD in her mailbox without letting her know its from you. Then its up to her to read it, connect the dots, take an interest.

I can really imagine you want to help and this must be a struggle... .

Good luck!

[Mutt]

I look at it this way "blood is thicker than water".

[.cup.car]

Beware that pwBPD often come from dysfunctionnal families who refuse to see the problem, and (as far as the parents are concerned) who refuse to take their responsabilities.

Or it's the exact opposite and they come from very good homes, but the pwBPD is the family's dark secret they desperately try to hide.

[trampledfoot]

I greatly appreciate the encouragement and support from everyone. I need to think over and not make any rash decisions; I do not want this to lead to contact I must remain NC and that is my biggest fear. I guess I am looking at this isn't a "taking sides" stand point I had written what I was going to tell her not so much as a "hey your sister is crazy and her is why." Rather the jist is "As you struggle to understand some of her behaviors just look into BPD." 

As a caretaker (I think most of us are) we are drawn to want to tell and help other people in the same situation facing the same emotional pains. You have all this knowledge built up inside of you and watching others struggle it is difficult to not convey it to them.   

[Pingo]

I look at it this way "blood is thicker than water".

This is true, this has been my experience in all my r/ss.  There is part of me that would like to make contact with family members for various reasons, part of which I suppose would be to tell my side of the story.  The other reason being that I am still somehow wanting to help him by exposing his mental illness.  His family is angry at him right now and I feel that if they understood the disorder maybe they could be more supportive and helpful to him.  But then I fear that if I reach out and one of them tells him, he'll confront me!  And this is the last thing I need.  So I leave it alone, let him figure out things with his family.  He's not my responsibility anymore and it's just not worth it.  And truthfully, I agree with what .cup.car said, families usually don't want to face the reality of things.  I have confronted family members in the past in other r/ss and it was never a positive outcome!

[trampledfoot]

I look at it this way "blood is thicker than water".

And truthfully, I agree with what .cup.car said, families usually don't want to face the reality of things.  I have confronted family members in the past in other r/ss and it was never a positive outcome!

Well said. She comes from a really good family both parents albeit divorced are present and live stable lives. Her college (7 years) was entirely paid for and she is still a waitress at 30, mother is recovering alcoholic and father is fairly successful. The thing i noticed is that they always let both of their daughters slide... they never pushed them or encouraged them ever and its really sad because they both have potential so I guess its only follows suit that when the issues come up they turn the other cheek.   

I want to post what i was going to send to her sister her instead.

I debated even mentioning this for a very long time and I don't want you to take this the wrong way and I hope that in telling you this you'll take me seriously and that I am only bringing this up because I care about something that is now no longer any of my business. I also hope that you know I would never arbitrarily, without a great bit of conviction and a significant amount of research, say anything with the intention of simply creating a conflict or drama. My intention is to just to pass it along to you because I can only assume you face the same struggles, uncertainties, and confusion with (her name) that faced and perplexed me for so long. About two years ago after spending so long trying to figure out the why of all the things I couldn't make sense or rationale about (her name) and constantly feeling guilty ... .I came across borderline personality disorder (BPD). Those who develop a close relationship with her will be able to understand that so many of her personality traits and behaviors are indicative of BPD and you and I probably know these better and have dealt with these more than anyone. Obviously, I am no expert but after reading about a dozen books on it and researching it countless hours I was able to make some sense of her roller coaster and black-white emotions and thoughts and finally the pieces came together. There are so many similarities in other's stories with BPD compared with (her name) that it is startling and explains so much. My hope was always that  I could better understand her in hopes to be a be a more supportive and see her through it all but it definitely wasn't enough and I am not the right person.  Hopefully, you will look into it and draw your own conclusions;  I have never told anyone before I just kept it to myself but you can be your own judge and maybe if you understand it you will be able better approach the situation, I know I wish I had realized all of this sooner. I don't know if she is ready to face this nor is it my business anymore, but you should look into this because I do care about what happens to you and how your life is effected.

[FoolishMan]

I honestly have no idea how she will react. Me telling her that her sister has a mental illness.  I am saying it in the most straight forward way possible but as was mentioned. I have spent 4 years dealing with this half of which I knew what it was and i could never bring myself to tell anyone. It is that clue that here is the answer that MAYBE you were looking for. I couldn't imagine being in that situation myself. If i was a parent, son, or even close friend to care about someone and never quite able to make sense of their behavior. Quite honestly I am deeply intrigued to find out her sister's reaction as well. I have spoken a few of those very close to her about her behavior but never naming BPD and all signs regarding her friendships, prior relationships and current new replacement relationship all point to BPD.  The need to let someone know OTHER than her because i think everyone would agree telling the BPD is useless.

Why would you tell her sister? I imagine you hope that it gives you an in with the person you suspect is mentally ill?

[Loveofhislife]

Beware that pwBPD often come from dysfunctionnal families who refuse to see the problem, and (as far as the parents are concerned) who refuse to take their responsabilities.

Or it's the exact opposite and they come from very good homes, but the pwBPD is the family's dark secret they desperately try to hide.

Or... .in my case; they are part of the FOO who enabled the pwBPD in the first place. They like to stay in denial and DEFINITELY don't intend on holding themselves or him accountable. I asked for them to help me help him--because his stealing from me puts him at risk of violating his probation from federal prison. Their response, "Stop giving him your credit cards." I dropped it at that point. ExbfBPD has not spoken with his natural father, his brother and half brother and his oldest child for years. That's how their family works--they just cut people off. I should know. I got the same treatment. Telling them or reminding them that he suffers from BPD could send me to court for defamation--that's how his family rolls.

[FoolishMan]

Beware that pwBPD often come from dysfunctionnal families who refuse to see the problem, and (as far as the parents are concerned) who refuse to take their responsabilities.

Or it's the exact opposite and they come from very good homes, but the pwBPD is the family's dark secret they desperately try to hide.

Or... .in my case; they are part of the FOO who enabled the pwBPD in the first place. They like to stay in denial and DEFINITELY don't intend on holding themselves or him accountable. I asked for them to help me help him--because his stealing from me puts him at risk of violating his probation from federal prison. Their response, "Stop giving him your credit cards." I dropped it at that point. ExbfBPD has not spoken with his natural father, his brother and half brother and his oldest child for years. That's how their family works--they just cut people off. I should know. I got the same treatment. Telling them or reminding them that he suffers from BPD could send me to court for defamation--that's how his family rolls.

Wasn't it good advice to tell you not to give an ex felon your credit cards? What could they have done about it? Do you know he had been in federal prison beforehand?

[JonnyKrunch]

[/quote]
My intention is to just to pass it along to you because I can only assume you face the same struggles, uncertainties, and confusion with (her name) that faced and perplexed me for so long. About two years ago after spending so long trying to figure out the why of .[/i][/quote]
I think your letter is really good and here's why... .it doesn't appear you are looking for sympathy, you aren't really putting

direct blame on anyone, and you don't go into any examples of her "bad" behavior.

But... .even though the sister may have faced the same behavior as you did, she probably sees it from a

different place than you.

And the sister will definitely tell your ex about the letter. May need to think of the consequences from that.

I have written several letters over the  years to my ex's sister, thinking that she might understand.

I never sent any of them. Pretty sure it would have came back to bite me in the buttocks.

I hope you aren't thinking the way I was thinking... .Maybe the sister will understand and help my ex to get some

help and then she will realize the way she treated me was horrible and that things really were her fault and she will go

back to loving me the same as she used to and things will be great again.

That's probably just me though.

I think if you really want to stay NC, safe yourself a stamp.

[Loveofhislife]

Foolish--NO, I certainly did not begin a relationship with someone who I knew was a convicted felon.  When I did learn, it was during idealization and created a trauma bond.  He had filed a motion for a mistrial, and I believed that he had been over-sentenced and victimized. The waifs are wonderful at playing the victim card, and I bought it just as I'm sure many before me and those who are replacing me.  He knew from our first date I had been employed in a DOJ program, so I was a HUGE ally to lure and a perfect target. And NO, I didn't give him credit cards.  I am a single mother of three who makes about 1/5 his earned income.  He is a VERY RESOURCEFUL software developer who found all kinds of ways to get any and all information from me, including things like credit card statements.  Don't think I didn't feel FOOLISH myself, but many of us on this board have been "con-ed" by pwBPD, whether or not they went to prison.  Since his family knows better than anyone else what he has done and what he is capable of, I reached out to them.  They too have been manipulated and ripped off by him.  They also knew I was the only person "helping him to get back on his feet" for over a year.  So, at least I expected them to say, "We'll talk to him; thanks for bringing it to our attention."  The end of the story is what Mutt wrote earlier, "Blood is thicker than water." 

[FoolishMan]

Foolish--NO, I certainly did not begin a relationship with someone who I knew was a convicted felon.  When I did learn, it was during idealization and created a trauma bond.  He had filed a motion for a mistrial, and I believed that he had been over-sentenced and victimized. The waifs are wonderful at playing the victim card, and I bought it just as I'm sure many before me and those who are replacing me.  He knew from our first date I had been employed in a DOJ program, so I was a HUGE ally to lure and a perfect target. And NO, I didn't give him credit cards.  I am a single mother of three who makes about 1/5 his earned income.  He is a VERY RESOURCEFUL software developer who found all kinds of ways to get any and all information from me, including things like credit card statements.  Don't think I didn't feel FOOLISH myself, but many of us on this board have been "con-ed" by pwBPD, whether or not they went to prison.  Since his family knows better than anyone else what he has done and what he is capable of, I reached out to them.  They too have been manipulated and ripped off by him.  They also knew I was the only person "helping him to get back on his feet" for over a year.  So, at least I expected them to say, "We'll talk to him; thanks for bringing it to our attention."  The end of the story is what Mutt wrote earlier, "Blood is thicker than water." 

Sorry I was just a little confused by the post. So even though he earns five times what you do, he needs help getting back on his feet?

[Pou]

Hi All,

I wanted to get everyone's input on an issue I am struggling with and wondering if anyone has ever done this. After 2 years with my exgfBPD i discovered BPD and began researching etc. That was 2 years ago... .I have never mentioned this to anyone close to her about me believing her to be BPD. Her sister and I are or were fairly close and her sister also deals with a great deal of the BPD effects like I did. I have this urge to tell some body to let someone know, because telling my EX is definitely a fruitless endeavor and I want to keep NC. I want to let her sister know for some reason such that she can hopefully find resolve with dealing with her as I have.  What does everyone think is this a bad idea?   

trampledfoot, I have the same problem.  I wanted to reach out to my NPDw sister, but I am not 100% sure if she is not a PD … I don't think she is, but then again, I have never able to have a heartfelt conversation with her sister… since I suspect her mother is a PD, I am kind of afraid this could run in the family.  Funny thing is that my NPDw gets a hold of my sisters and accuse me of horrible things… smear campaign ... i only know it because they are my sisters.  I am also wondering if my NPDw goes on smear campaign with people who we know... i notice some friends just kind of cut ties without any logical reason… my NPDw is really out there.  I mean, she is all together and have a great job and high position, but if you know her in a family life, she is nothing short of crazy.  She would literally make up things and snap and goes on rage and accuse of me doing it in front of our kids.  My 7 year old had to correct her a few times, but my NPDw insist on she was right… it is really sad to act crazy in front of the kids.  all I could do is reinforcing reality making sure my kids are not confused and be in a fog.  not sure why nature created PDs… my advice is to be careful, unless you know for sure that her sister is not a PD, otherwise you will have exponential problems on your hands.