.A different perspective?

[cookiecookie]

I'm not sure if I should be posting here - I believe my mother had BPD - and it likely went undiagnosed for 25+ years. She would have episodes where she would hurt herself in outburst episodes initially monthly when I was younger and in the last few years, it had been better.

I never understood it for what it is and my father had been extremely understanding and supportive, although we never clued in to get her psychotherapy and we had tried, but we had no money at the time.

Fast forward - I was in my first real long term relationship and initially it was all fine and great, then we had a lot of issues towards the end, then maybe subconsciously because I could not see it - I became to exhibit BPD traits and behaviours with the final finale of me hurting myself and now my fiancé left me.

He knew about my mother yet he still left. He told me to get "help". I just want to know from the perspective of someone who is in a relationship with someone who has BPD - I didn't know I had these tendencies until it was brought out in this relationship. I've been angry and emotionally sensitive before, but not to this extent.

I read another thread where partners were saying if they had known about the diagnosis, they would run away. I know he still loves me, but do you think it's ignorance that he's run away or if I explain to him the diagnosis, maybe he would understand?

I understand it's a lot to ask someone to commit to being a relationship - and I am getting DBT to help improve my coping skills. This year has been extremely stressful and it brought out things I need knew were possible. I think awareness is the first step.

But speaking from a personal and family member perspective - I also agree that if someone is not in it for the long haul, and can only love you when you're "perfect", then I think it's not the life partner I want to be with either. I don't expect someone to just accept it for all it is - but if someone loves you, I would think they would stick around to try to help you get through it.

The sad thing about mental health is the stigma and especially with personality disorders. Depression has a lot more sympathy but BPD has such a bad name and we are not all given the same genetics lottery or life circumstances to be able to deal with these situations. It's not an excuse but I think it's what people often don't understand.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi cookiecookie,

First,  I'd say that going through DBT is a good thing to do. Many hurt members here will say that it doesn't help,  but the studies don't support this.

Just as we encourage members not to paint all pwBPD with the same brush by assuming "x traits=y behaviors" it applies to those without BPD as well. That being said,  it's not wrong to try to understand another's point of view. 

This board is set up to support those with people with BPD (pwBPD) in their lives.  As such,  resources and support for you may be better found here: Resources for People With BPD

You did,  however,  mention your mother.  Though we might not be the appropriate support fit your relationship with your boyfriend,  you may fit into the Coping and Healing board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

If you want to explore your r/s with your mother,  this might be a good fit.  Take a look at the threads there and maybe you will relate to member's stories.

Turkish