Pregnant GF with BPD filed PFA

[Tact]

Unknow, I heard via her mother she was in counseling though.

The attorney said the document is a non issue.

For the record I never abused or threatened her other than yelling

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tact]

I do want the relationship with her. When she is on meds it's great. I know with these tools I can make it work.

I love her and want a whole happy home for her and our child.  Not a broken home withiht us both.

[Meili]

To do that, you're going to have to learn to detach with love. By this, I don't mean that you have to detach and stop loving, but just the opposite.

A healthy relationship involves two, separate and distinct individuals who care about one another. Being in a relationship with a pwBPD means that you have to be strong, have realistic expectations, be the emotional caregiver, be the protector, take care of your own mental health, and understand your motivations for staying in the relationship. You can read more about what it takes to be in a relationship like this here.

In order to accomplish all of this, you have to separate your life, again, not your love, from her. If you don't, you won't be able to do things like allowing her to experience the consequences of her choices, maintain your own boundaries,  maintain the structure needed.

Does that all make sense?

[Tact]

I fully understand what it takes to be in a relationship with them now.

My concern is a viable strategy to get her back given the road blocks both legal and maternal that have been placed in my path.

[Meili]

My concern is a viable strategy to get her back given the road blocks both legal and maternal that have been placed in my path.

Sadly, there is no special formula to make this happen. What it really boils down to is working on yourself to make yourself the most attractive person that you can be.

As Skip pointed out, the best strategy at this moment is radio silence and to hunker down for the long game. It is going to take time to make the changes necessary and for them to stick.

[Tact]

So went to court today and the PFA is officially dropped. Thank Jesus!

I signed the document and the judge dismissed it without prejudice.

She was there but I didn't see her. I saw her attorney and asked if she was going into the courtroom. She said yes she has to. I told her that I give my permission not to have to go in there unless she wanted to. I didn't want her stressing and worrying about having to do it. She left.

Was this a good move? I plan on playing ghost now for a while and being respectful and strictly business with her mom. She satarted her third trimester yesterday.

[Skip]

Was this a good move? I plan on playing ghost now for a while and being respectful and strictly business with her mom.

Yes. I think it was good to offer that gesture. If it was received, it helps turns the temperature down a bit.

It is a good time to post about prior problems on the "Improving Board" and work through how yo could have better handled things.  These skills will help you in all relationships.

[Meili]

Glad to hear that the PFA was dropped. Were you able to get the changes that Skip suggested added to what you signed?

Now that this step is over, what's next for you in your world? What are your plans for changing?

[Tact]

I knew if I put them in it was a lost cause. My main focus was to take all pressure off. My lawyer said win, lose, or draw I can't make her do anything to make her divulge anything about the baby. But... .he got her to admit it's mine. So if something doesn't breakout in a month I have some options. My lawyer said my personal property is pretty much a lost cause, all she has to to is lie, and I'll have to sue.

In my mind why push it and give the space I need.

I'm a different man after all this. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore but I do want her back Bc I can't change my heart.

I do have a solid strategy for her if she come back.

The thing that kills me, which I made peace with, is how can one argument change the 99.5% good that we shared.  At least I know the answer now.

My goal is to get that woman back for the sake of a family and stability of my child and to provide what she needs for a stable environment where we can work through her issues.

[Tact]

Actually the fact that she dropped the PFA in general is a huge win! I'm stoked

[Meili]

My goal is to get that woman back for the sake of a family and stability of my child and to provide what she needs for a stable environment where we can work through her issues.

OK, you know what your goal is, now you have to have a plan to get there. Have you thought through that?

[Tact]

Honestly that's why I'm here.  I've evoled so much the past month, have the tools, and will implement them. I can't make her come back. Thought I'm the only person that has made actual scarafices for her even thought I've been continually attacked.

She will see that.

My plan is to disappear, be respectful to her mother, and pray.

[Skip]

Was this a good move? I plan on playing ghost now for a while and being respectful and strictly business with her mom.

Yes. I think it was good to offer that gesture. If it was received, it helps turns the temperature down a bit.

It is a good time to post about prior problems on the "Improving Board" and work through how you could have better handled things.  These skills will help you in all relationships.

I've evoled so much the past month, have the tools, and will implement them.

Which tools are you targeting?

[Tact]

Well if she decides to talk to me again im the near future, SET, boundaries, a lot of empathy. I know I have to listen and be berated by her and detach.

[Skip]

Well if she decides to talk to me again im the near future, SET, boundaries, a lot of empathy. I know I have to listen and be berated by her and detach.

  

Changing your life to incorporate these tools takes a lot of practice - its like learning to golf. 

[Tact]

I know it is. I employ them in my professional life everyday. It works well Bc I'm emotionless. It won't be hard once i learn how to detach.

[Meili]

Being emotionless actually puts you at a deficit here. It's hard to have empathy without emotion. Highly sensitive people can typically see right through fake empathy.

Also, it's one thing to understand the tools. It's a completely different thing to have them so ingrained in our personalities that they are habitual. It takes a lot of practice.

Typically, we suggest practicing the tools here with friends, co-workers, people you talk to at the store, other members of these boards, anyone really until they become second nature to you and you use the communication skills like SET and DEARMAN (and the others) without thought.

Earlier in this thread, you asked about mentoring. As part of your plan, why don't start reaching out to others here and try your hand at them?

[Skip]

Earlier in this thread, you asked about mentoring. As part of your plan, why don't start reaching out to others here and try your hand at them?

I would agree with Meili on this. Here is a good book to read for ideas to use to coach others. She has a few youtube videos, too.

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Author: Shari Y. Manning, PhD Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 15, 2011) Paperback: 253 pages ISBN-10: 1593856075 ISBN-13: 978-1593856076

These tools are not about detaching, becoming emotionless and being berated. Besides, you are not going to be emotionless with an infant in our world, or detached when you are up all night with her.

Incorporating the tools should be rewarding to you too.  I use them in my current relationship and they are rewarding to all.

[Tact]

Guys, thanks for everything. I'll definitely do that. I'm sure I'll be coming here daily with thoughts of helping and asking help.

It's a matter of days until her mom texts me. I'm stressing about it. But I know my love is at home tonight distressing and wondering about what she should do since it all ended today.

There's no more drama for her.

[AnuDay]

You are dancing to her tune and she is loving it.  You must somehow regain control of your life and your sanity.  You thought you "loved her to death" but in reality you fell in love with a facade.  She reflected all of the characteristics that you had in yourself while she was in the idealization phase.  Now she is out of that phase and you are seeing the real her.  You must read any and everything on this site.  The tools and references to more tools are here on this site you must find them.  Read Read Read.
Knowledge is the only way to true understanding.  All of us can comment all that we want about your situation, and you can read our comments and agree or disagree, but until you truly understand what is going on and feel it in the fiber of your being you will never have clarity on the situation.

[Meili]

I agree with AnuDay that learning about and understanding BPD is necessary in order to save and have a relationship with someone who is effected by the disorder.

I do not, however, share his conviction that she probably never loved you and that you fell in love with yourself. None of us can know the mind of another. It is very dangerous for any of us to assume that all pwBPD are alike. They are not. They are unique individuals. Each with his or her own constellation of traits. BPD is a spectrum disorder. As such, individuals exhibiting BPD traits fall on different in the spectrum. Passing judgment on a person based on the actions of another does not paint a clear portrait of that person.

How are you doing today Tact? Did you have a chance to try out some of the communication tools? Did you have the opportunity to check out the book that Skip suggested?

[Skip]

AnuDay, I see where you are coming from. I think I might suggest that we consider what has happened here. Tact and his GF where engaged to be married, she is pregnant, she was going to a wedding shower, and they were scheduled to have engagement pictures. This is an emotionally demanding situation for any women.

Tact was upset over finances and a fight broke out. It got nasty, went over multiple days, dragged up some prior unresolved arguments regarding misdeeds of the gf - tact was questioning the marriage, went to remove his personal things from the home, including a loaded shotgun, friends were called in, mother got involved, police were involved... .the GF moved out of her home and in with her mom, cut off communication, filed a PFA.

There are children involved and a newborn on the way... .so its a pretty complicated situation... .Tacts focus up to this point has been the PFA and the legal challenges.

Was his (tact's) love, narcissistic love, where tact fell in love with his own image? That may be true (or it may be wrong). Is the girlfriend a poser? Our role in support is to help others self discover these things (like we did), not offer them as pat solutions. But your point is valid - if there is this much conflict right before a wedding and the coupes ability to resolve the conflict is this broken down, something needs to change.

Make sense?

That said, I do understand the general point you are making. So that we don't hijack this thread, why don't we pick it up here (on this other thread):

But in order for you to even more clearly understand the extreme nature of falling in love for romantic partners of BPD, we need to take a look at two behavior patterns that women on the spectrum unconsciously put into use during their initial phase of idealization that can in some cases cause men to fall head over heels in love with them.

The first aspect that can profoundly affect the speed and intensity which men fall in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is the way she makes her partner feel about themselves. In order to get her partner to focus obsessively on her needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD will do whatever it takes to make her partner feel better about themselves than anyone has ever made them feel. This is often accomplished by shows of adoration, idolization and levels of care and kindness that the partner has never experienced before.

The woman on the spectrum of BPD will initially give the kind of love that is only possible to give when there is complete trust in a relationship. The way she accomplishes this without first building trust is by suspending all of her fears and willing herself to believe her partner is 100 percent trustworthy. And by suspending all of her fears she also gets her partner to in turn trust her completely. The end result is what we might describe a feeling of perfect love.

[Mutt]

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