A recycle is coming Help please

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's not about your heart.  It's not about whether you love your ex.  It's about your son now.  

Can you read the above and see how f'cked up the whole interaction is between you two.  And you both are equally responsible.  And she's Bat Sht Crazy.  

If you didn't have the kid, I'd say go drive yourselves into eternal contempt and hatred.  

Many of us on this board choose that path.

But now you're going to drag your boy into this.  

So, I'd say, whatever you do, be mindful.  Be aware that damage to your son at this age is when the damage occurred to your ex and perhaps to you too, when you both were children.  

Children do not naturally grow up to be mentally healthy.  Especially children who are high risk, with one parent who is Bat Sht Crazy, and another who is probably a closet narcissist with very limited sense of self and self esteem.   The genetic makeup of the poor kid might be a loser from the start.  Add abusive, dysfunctional dynamics between both parents... .

This is exactly how the cycle of abuse, neglect, and Disorder continues for generation after generation.  

I hope you find your answers with what is really important in this equation.

[Tausk]

It's not about your heart.  It's not about whether you love your ex.  It's about your son now.  

Can you read the above and see how f'cked up the whole interaction is between you two.  And you both are equally responsible.  And she's Bat Sht Crazy.  

If you didn't have the kid, I'd say go drive yourselves into eternal contempt and hatred.  

Many of us on this board choose that path.

But now you're going to drag your boy into this.  

So, I'd say, whatever you do, be mindful.  Be aware that damage to your son at this age is when the damage occurred to your ex and perhaps to you too, when you both were children.  

Children do not naturally grow up to be mentally healthy.  Especially children who are high risk, with one parent who is Bat Sht Crazy, and another who is probably a closet narcissist with very limited sense of self and self esteem.   The genetic makeup of the poor kid might be a loser from the start.  Add abusive, dysfunctional dynamics between both parents... .

This is exactly how the cycle of abuse, neglect, and Disorder continues for generation after generation.  

I hope you find your answers with what is really important in this equation.

[goldylamont]

anger is one of the necessary steps to pass through during your growth and complete detachment. by recognizing it as necessary and natural, and learning to honor it by doing its job of protecting you, drawing boundaries and taking your space (low contact/no contact/standing up for yourself/etc.), you will be able to channel your anger and it will be released. the anger leaves the more detached you become, because the more detached you are the safer you are from returning to the source of what is hurting you (a toxic r/s).

i'm about 2.5 years out now. my anger is considerably diminished, mostly gone completely. but it would still be very present or even raging at times if i kept trying to keep some sort of r/s with my ex going. because then she'd still be around and i'd still be allowing her to affect my life.

so, when i ask the question of "why are you not offended?", i simply want to bring to light that you have tools at hand to reinterpret your ex's behavior. when your ex tells you she's so in love with you, instead of simply thinking "i still love her too, this hurts so much"; you start to think "i'm still attached some and this hurts so much--who the hell is she to keep playing these games with me? it's even more proof of how she *doesn't* care!" so, you can keep your distance. over time regardless of if she's fake-nice, nasty or indifference, as you yourself grow more detached you won't need to be as angry. your anger won't be necessary any more because her words don't affect you. it would be like some random person saying something random to you. who cares?

so anger is temporal, but very important to express honestly and honorably to allow it to flow out so it can leave once its job is done. the process will take years. be patient, diligent and strong.

[biglearningcurve]

My ex finance and I were together for four years, we have a two year old son together.

We broke up on 23rd May 2014. Within six weeks she was seeing another man, who I found out was a friend of a friend. He is a psychiatrist and he finished things with her two weeks ago. He found her extremely needy.

I was painted blacker than black, she told me she hated me and wanted never to speak to me again.

Low and behold he dumped her and she paints me white. She is away in Tanzania working in a hospital for 4 weeks (she is a final year med student).

She has been messaging me since she went away telling me she loves me and misses me. She has asked that we spend time together when she gets back for our sons sake. I do still love her but know if I do this I will be back on the boards back to square one.

Before she left we spent a day together with our son, we ended up having sex. I’m very confused because she is getting jealous about me going on dates etc.

What should I do?

Sounds to me like you have already made up your mind to recycle with her and you are looking for ways to rationalise it.

I have recently recycled with my ex with unpleasant  results.  But I would have to say it has got rid of any "what ifs" and delusions I may have had regarding reunion fantasy's.

I have been reading the posts of "2010" and noting down some of the posts that resonate with me, which includes the following... .

"If it is necessary to seek answers to all of your "what if" questions, then return and reengage your partner.  Relive the cycle of denial and anger, and when you come back around to bargaining, you'll know what to do because you have been there before"

I am in AA, and it is a common   occurrence for people that are not ready to yet give up drinking to go back out and experience more pain and suffering from their addictions.  When they have hit what they call "their" rock bottom, they will do what is necessary to stop the pain.

How much more pain are you prepared to sign up for?

[Recooperating]

Could I give some strange advice? When you long for her, when you are lonely read some posts on the message board here for people that are still in the r/s.

I did that out of curiosity yesterday, i dont wanna go back.

These posts, the things people struggle with, the desperate feelings, the crazyness they have to put up with reminded me of how I felt when I went through it.

All I thought reading those posts was: people GET OUT!

I didnt post that ofcourse... .its not my place. But the stories were so familiar and reminded me of all the BS I had to put up with! The frustration, sadness, confusion, anger... .I read read it in all these stories and related to it! I mean no disrespect for these stories btw. Their struggles are very serious. But is was a reality check... .

Yes I love my exBPD, he "pretends" to be a great guy at times. But my god what an a*hole he was to me! I was in love with "what-ifs", with the dream of how he could be. Not with the man he truely is... .