are BPDs capable of saying this ?

[dobie]

OK after the blitzkrieg of the way she left and all her other behaviours during before and after the r/s I finally after 6 months got something that looks like she has some comppasion after I sent her a two line poem .



"I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy. We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that. "

I just want to know if someone with BPD or BPD traits could do this ? 

[once removed]

yes

[dobie]

I guess she got me back in the FOG  :'(

No real appologie either

No I'm so so sorry for trashing your bday , you having to rehome our dog than have him die , me pretending to be in love with you for over a year , me screaming resentment down the phone and even a few weeks back when she met my bro to get the last of her stuff about money or expressing her paranoid fears . or leaving me in a financial mess breaking her promise about an expensive bday present I bought on my cc or taking back her presents , taking nearly everything from our home so I did not even have a can opener .  or saying sorry for breaking off the wedding and our house purchase

No long email listing all the nice and beautiful things between us and expressing regret or sadness or any real and deep empathy or compassion

No this was "look I'm such a nice person " 4 lines of self serving be as always

[mitatsu]

Did you really deep down expect anything else?

Does a tornado come back and apologise for wrecking your house?

[valet]

Actions speak louder than words. You can't put any real stock into what anyone says, especially a person you know or suspect to be BPD.

Think about how she treated you in the relationship, and look at her actions afterwards. She kind of just seems like a jerk, with values that are not compatible with yours, even despite all the BPD business. Hell man, my ex put me through serious emotional strain, but she never went as far as directly trashing me after the relationship, although she has exhibited all of the other post-relationship patterns.

I would take a long look at myself and ask if you really want her in your life. Frankly, she doesn't seem worth that to me.

[Numbers]

Anything can be deconstructed, it is context that matters:

I'm sorry I hurt you,

Vague apology, people don't apologize like this in real life. A good apology would be something like "I am sorry that I was flirting with that guy". This way, you are disarmed and god forbid you get back to actual details.

I know nothing I can say will make you feel better

So you can start fantasizing what will make you feel better and deal with anxiety waiting if it will be said. And this shifts the attention to you.

but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer

Subtle hint that you are special, so you can spiral into anguish questioning if you just made a big mistake by exiting the relationship.

and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy.

This is utterly condescending. And delusional on top. You will indeed meet someone like that if you work on your wisdom. But it is not her place to say.

We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that. "

Fairy tale material. There is no 'meant to' in relationships, there is just mutual respect, intimacy and trust.

I think you are already interpreting this the right way.

[fromheeltoheal]

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy.

Translation: "you're a great guy, just not great enough for me".  :)evaluation.

"We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that."

Translation: "There's some great power that decides who's meant to be and who isn't, and we didn't pass the test, oh well, wasn't our fault." shirking of responsibility, it was out of her hands so she doesn't have to own it.

"and deep down you know that."

and how gracious of her to tell you what you know.

All of it is just more borderline defense mechanism.  Per usual, we will never get what we want and need from these relationships, it has to be all about the borderline, someone in continual pain and trying to survive.  Best to save ourselves.

[Loosestrife]

I get pretty similar messages just before every recycle. For my SO its about feeling better about herself I.e I said the word 'sorry' so I'm not a bad person.

1. If she loved you she would show you - words are cheap. she doesn't even say she loves you in this message (control)

2. If she cared she would just leave you alone and stop prodding at your rawness

3. If she was really sorry she would say what for or she would do something to make amends

The list goes on, but the other interpretations posted hit the nail on the head. Silence is your best tool.

Sorry you are going through this agsin

L

[tholian]

my ex did say something very similar to that. I think she just want to show off as though she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness so that we will be happy. Trying to be the martyr.

[sweetheart]

I believe dobie in the moment that what is written was heartfelt and real and all she was capable of in that moment. 

[Maternus]

My ex wrote me one or two weeks after the breakup, that she still cares for me, that she wants to stay friends and that I'll always be an important part of her life. That's how she talked, but not how she walked. All I got was her cruel and sadistic behaviour on the day I finally moved out followed by months of silence.

[Infern0]

Yes.

I hope you didn't dignify that garbage with a response

[Plonko]

It's very easy to read between the lines and make of that whatever you want to but it seemed pretty reasonable to me and a lot more than most people get from their BPD ex.

[zundertowz]

It's very easy to read between the lines and make of that whatever you want to but it seemed pretty reasonable to me and a lot more than most people get from their BPD ex

Thats what i have been saying to dobie... .I would take this email as a positve and use it to better yourself and move on... .I would die for this sort of email.

[dobie]

Numbers/from heel2heal

spot on ! My bro said the same when he read it . I asked her if she got my other emails and wanted to try being friends as she offered early on in the bu a few times

silence .

she is not sorry at all . I am of no use to her apart from soothing her already minimal conscious

[mitatsu]

Numbers/from heel2heal

spot on ! My bro said the same when he read it . I asked her if she got my other emails and wanted to try being friends as she offered early on in the bu a few times

silence .

she is not sorry at all . I am of no use to her apart from soothing her already minimal conscious

Welcome to the path to recovery and healing brother... .pull up a chair grab a brew and join us 

[jhkbuzz]

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy."

I believe dobie in the moment that what is written was heartfelt and real and all she was capable of in that moment. 

That ^ may very well be. 'Heartfelt and the best she could do', but still devaluing and devoid of responsibility nonetheless.  And without therapeutic intervention, that's what it would always be.  That's the nature of the disorder, isn't it? 

It's almost the apology of a child.

[dobie]

Ok so she replied to the friends email

" i didn't get your email , i don't think its a good idea we meet too early for both of us  sorry "

[SWLSR]

No I have not gotten a note like that but after reading your note and reading what people on here say about it I don't want one either.  I just want her to leave me alone, but she wont do that either.

[raisins3142]

That reminds me of every non-apology I got from mine.

After our first real argument, caused by her leaving me at a bar and sitting with a strange man and talking intently for an hour and acting flirtatious: she wrote "I'm sorry that you were hurt because you did not know we were talking about Dr. Who and so it was legitimate and not flirting".  LOL  She thinks so long as you aren't planning sex that everything is fine.

[Mr Hollande]

Not much to add to what some of the wise elder statesmen have already said here.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy."

This starts out pretty well.

"We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that."

This however is as cold and, like jhkbuzz said, devoid of responsibility as one can expect from a person with BPD. Disappointing and yet so predictable.

[Reecer1588]

I wanted to add from my experience that my ex also had a way of really making events that happen in her life seem like God or just the universe were causing them to happen to her, like things were just being thrown at her for no reason, literally the same thing you describe here about "we weren't meant to be", I heard the same kind of noise. They really would rather believe that some cosmic force governs their lives and fate rather than take any consequence for their own actions.

[Maternus]

"We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that."

This however is as cold and, like jhkbuzz said, devoid of responsibility as one can expect from a person with BPD. Disappointing and yet so predictable.

I think, it's projection. She knows THAT deep down. She knows deep down, that she's meant to break up with everyone. It's her problem, but she can't stand to bear it alone.

[dobie]

Yes thanks guys it reeks of a lack of responsibility and immaturity and maternus interesting point about projection .

I'm wondering why she said

" i don't think its a good idea we meet too early for both of us  sorry "


6 months post BU is hardly "early"  ?

[Mr Hollande]

Maybe it's a game she's playing. The old push/pull. Maybe she actually means it. Maybe she'll change her mind tomorrow. Who knows and is it really important?

More important from my viewpoint is how do you feel about it and what do you want to do?

[fromheeltoheal]

It's very easy to read between the lines and make of that whatever you want to but it seemed pretty reasonable to me and a lot more than most people get from their BPD ex

Thats what i have been saying to dobie... .I would take this email as a positve and use it to better yourself and move on... .I would die for this sort of email.

Yep, you're right, it depends upon what we make it mean and how that makes us feel; if we can frame it as a positive and use it to move on then great, it served a purpose and it serves us, but if we end up parsing words and stressing over it, wanting more, because we'd been in a devaluation stage with a borderline and nothing makes sense, then messages like that can just feed the fire, and it's best to eliminate them from our lives so we can move on.  Compare it to a real, heartfelt apology for contrast, and as sweetheart says, it may have been heartfelt and the best she could muster at the time, but clearly dobie is having issues with it, so it may be best to just avoid for now.

[dobie]

Maybe it's a game she's playing. The old push/pull. Maybe she actually means it. Maybe she'll change her mind tomorrow. Who knows and is it really important?

More important from my viewpoint is how do you feel about it and what do you want to do?

I expected it I told her I respect her boundaries sympathised how hard the BU must have been for her as well and said let's keep it lc via email for now till she is ready .

I think she does not want to face me because of the shame tbh I'm a trigger to that even if on the surface she denies she has done anything wrong

[once removed]

I expected it I told her I respect her boundaries sympathised how hard the BU must have been for her as well and said let's keep it lc via email for now till she is ready .

I think she does not want to face me because of the shame tbh I'm a trigger to that even if on the surface she denies she has done anything wrong

i think youre exactly right. it isnt personal, and i think we must respect everyones boundaries. what is considered early to one may not be perceived in the same way as another.

[dobie]

Her not thinking its a good idea to meet is there an element of fear for her she will reengage ? I know she told my bro six months down the line and me at the start if she saw me she would have come back for 1-2 years

[dobie]

"We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that."

This however is as cold and, like jhkbuzz said, devoid of responsibility as one can expect from a person with BPD. Disappointing and yet so predictable.

She told me post BU she was worried she would end up single in her 50s like her mother .


I think, it's projection. She knows THAT deep down. She knows deep down, that she's meant to break up with everyone. It's her problem, but she can't stand to bear it alone.

[dobie]

my ex did say something very similar to that. I think she just want to show off as though she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness so that we will be happy. Trying to be the martyr.

Lol my x said she had to BU and be the strong one 

[dobie]

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy."

I believe dobie in the moment that what is written was heartfelt and real and all she was capable of in that moment. 

That ^ may very well be. 'Heartfelt and the best she could do', but still devaluing and devoid of responsibility nonetheless.  And without therapeutic intervention, that's what it would always be.  That's the nature of the disorder, isn't it? 

It's almost the apology of a child.

That's why I love this site and the members just when I get hit by the fog you guys remind me how abnormal she is ...

Yes that's her an angry child looking for someone or something to fill the pain

[Sandman1881]

Honestly, I believe there to be a communication "bug" in the Borderline system. It may take months or even years to organize and communicate a simple though. When delivered, that heartfelt note or comment will always come with a stench of sarcasm and hidden innuendo.

[JPH]

I remember reaching a point shortly after the smear campaign began when I realized that (1) my ex was capable of doing and saying pretty much anything and (2) it was in my best interest for purposes of self-preservation to expect her to do anything and everything. After I adopted that mindset her unpredictability became predictable in a way.