Partner with BPD gaslighting?

[sunflowergirl05]

My partner with BPD is acting strange. Making me feel confused and sad and anytime I ask about it getting mad. He spoke about marriage and kids first and then said this past Monday he didn’t want kids and when I very subtly mentioned it tonight he said “we don’t need to talk about kids we just started dating and it adds stress onto each other” and when I light heartedly  said you brought it up first he freaked out and said oh putting the blame on me again. Then we got home and I asked what he wanted to do if spend some time together and be named two things he wants to do watch his favorite show or play his video games and I said we could maybe compromise on something that we both want to watch and he called me controlling or possessive. Then he came into the room while I was upset and tried to lay down and when I tried to bring it up very very lightly because now I’m always walking on eggshells or grenades, and told him sometimes I just need some reassurance he just got mad and turned over. Is this normal? I am so sad and upset and I feel so alone and lonely sleeping next to someone that I am with. I feel like he’s pushing me to break up with him, like he wants it but doesn’t want to do it.

Thoughts?

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[once removed]

we just started dating and it adds stress onto each other”

how long have you been together?

[sunflowergirl05]

For 6 months. Why do you ask?

[St Jude]

Best piece of advice I wish I had received early on, stay true to yourself and do not give in to these tantrums/episodes.  I treat it akin to giving in to a screaming 2 yr old, no good comes of it, you just end up with a spoiled brat.

My partner and I have been together 7 years and I am now having to try to make up for the time I let him get his way/ did not hold him accountable to his tantrums.  He too is a gaslighter.  I’m not perfect at it but it’s progress not perfection.

Most recent mini-episode, he came home tonight after being out and having some drinks, there was a little scuffle when he got home because he didn’t kiss me goodnight and when I showed annoyance at that he started launching some ridiculous questions at me (no sense in squabbling with someone who has just been out drinking, first mistake I made).  I went back to bed upset after first telling him sternly not to speak to me that way.  I went back out eventually and calmly told him that he knows how much I adore him and I was excited to see him and my feelings were hurt when he blew me off for a kiss.  He then said ok hon, I know, goodnight.  And tensions were diffused.  This was a very minor situation but the takeaway for me is that I stuck up for myself when he launched a couple of ridiculous nonsense questions at me, and I let him know calmly after that I was hurt and why.

It is not an easy road, but for me I do believe his good traits are who he is at the core, and I need to see these episodes for what they are and keep my side of the street clean.  He works with a therapist trying to keep his side clean, though it requires a lot of maintenance... this isn’t the kind of relationship anyone would intentionally pick. 

I wish you well.

[once removed]

our loved ones tend to express themselves strongly.

they can say the most loving things, and the most hateful things.

there is a fickle, dreamer like nature to BPD. they tend to get caught up in the moment, and over emote. make sweeping, loving professions, talk passionately about the future, etc. one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with someone with bpd is staying grounded when it comes to that.

if he puts the kabosh on things like talking about kids, follow his lead. dont push.

Then he came into the room while I was upset and tried to lay down and when I tried to bring it up very very lightly because now I’m always walking on eggshells or grenades, and told him sometimes I just need some reassurance he just got mad and turned over. Is this normal? I am so sad and upset and I feel so alone and lonely sleeping next to someone that I am with. I feel like he’s pushing me to break up with him, like he wants it but doesn’t want to do it.

thick skin is probably the number one requirement when it comes to loving someone with bpd.

our loved ones, in many cases, dont have the skills to listen, to validate, to process some of our hurts. they may become defensive, they may take it as an attack, they may feel pressured, and when that happens, they tend to push back. which doesnt help us feel any better, but understand that this is a limitation your partner may have, that is more about him than you. think of it this way: we all have limitations.

its a balance; the solution is not to simply bottle up your feelings, your needs, or never voice your hurts. its more about finding ways that are compatible with both of your needs and limitations, and its also about finding ways of coping (feedback and support here can help a lot) with your feelings, and your partners limitations.

does that make sense?