Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What is different in the Caretakers personality:

•   We have higher than normal sense of empathy and compassion

•   We have great dislike for conflict and anger

•   We are over-generous

•   We are self –sacrificing

•   We are calm

•   We make little to no boundaries to keep the BPD calm

•   We have low self-esteem not to think that we deserve a better treatment from a partner

•   We live in the fantasy that BPD will change

•   We have fear of not being able to predict when the BPD will be loving or furious

•   We have fear of not saying the exact right words that could make the BPD explode in anger

•   We have fear to say NO to the BPD and have her explode in anger

•   We have fear of losing our job, friends, financial stability

Being a Caretaker to a BPD leads to:

•   Over-exploitation by the BPD of all the great qualities like generosity, self-sacrifice, dislike of conflict

•   Reinforce the BPD bad behaviors by collapsing in the face of anger

•   Chronic low-level anxiety and depression from ignoring and denying your own needs and feelings for a long period

•   Manipulation from the BPD, because the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship are constantly being breached

•   Keeping your feelings of sadness, anxiety and rage to yourself and not showing the BPD to save the BPD from those emotions

•   Depression from keeping your bad feelings inside and from realizing that your dream of a healthy relationship is not likely to happen

Which behavior of the Caretaker is not working with BPD:

•   The use of logical explanation

•   Hoping that by your example the BPD will somehow learn to give back love, respect, care and consider your needs

•   Being defensive and argue when the BPD is raging

How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:

•   Seeing the relationship realistically

•   Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future

•   Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD

•   Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes

•   Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced

•   Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries

•   Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups

[MustangMan]

What is different in the Caretakers personality:

•   We have higher than normal sense of empathy and compassion

•   We have great dislike for conflict and anger

•   We are over-generous

•   We are self –sacrificing

•   We are calm

•   We make little to no boundaries to keep the BPD calm

•   We have low self-esteem not to think that we deserve a better treatment from a partner

•   We live in the fantasy that BPD will change

•   We have fear of not being able to predict when the BPD will be loving or furious

•   We have fear of not saying the exact right words that could make the BPD explode in anger

•   We have fear to say NO to the BPD and have her explode in anger

•   We have fear of losing our job, friends, financial stability

Being a Caretaker to a BPD leads to:

•   Over-exploitation by the BPD of all the great qualities like generosity, self-sacrifice, dislike of conflict

•   Reinforce the BPD bad behaviors by collapsing in the face of anger

•   Chronic low-level anxiety and depression from ignoring and denying your own needs and feelings for a long period

•   Manipulation from the BPD, because the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship are constantly being breached

•   Keeping your feelings of sadness, anxiety and rage to yourself and not showing the BPD to save the BPD from those emotions

•   Depression from keeping your bad feelings inside and from realizing that your dream of a healthy relationship is not likely to happen

Which behavior of the Caretaker is not working with BPD:

•   The use of logical explanation

•   Hoping that by your example the BPD will somehow learn to give back love, respect, care and consider your needs

•   Being defensive and argue when the BPD is raging

How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:

•   Seeing the relationship realistically

•   Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future

•   Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD

•   Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes

•   Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced

•   Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries

•   Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups

[arjay]

Good stuff MM.  Thanks for sharing

[BacknthSaddle]

How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:

•   Seeing the relationship realistically

•   Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future

•   Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD

•   Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes

•   Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced

•   Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries

•   Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups

Spot on.  I think that every one of these is necessary.