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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you  (Read 451 times)
MustangMan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 34



« on: June 06, 2014, 10:26:26 AM »

What is different in the Caretakers personality:

•   We have higher than normal sense of empathy and compassion

•   We have great dislike for conflict and anger

•   We are over-generous

•   We are self –sacrificing

•   We are calm

•   We make little to no boundaries to keep the BPD calm

•   We have low self-esteem not to think that we deserve a better treatment from a partner

•   We live in the fantasy that BPD will change

•   We have fear of not being able to predict when the BPD will be loving or furious

•   We have fear of not saying the exact right words that could make the BPD explode in anger

•   We have fear to say NO to the BPD and have her explode in anger

•   We have fear of losing our job, friends, financial stability

Being a Caretaker to a BPD leads to:

•   Over-exploitation by the BPD of all the great qualities like generosity, self-sacrifice, dislike of conflict

•   Reinforce the BPD bad behaviors by collapsing in the face of anger

•   Chronic low-level anxiety and depression from ignoring and denying your own needs and feelings for a long period

•   Manipulation from the BPD, because the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship are constantly being breached

•   Keeping your feelings of sadness, anxiety and rage to yourself and not showing the BPD to save the BPD from those emotions

•   Depression from keeping your bad feelings inside and from realizing that your dream of a healthy relationship is not likely to happen

Which behavior of the Caretaker is not working with BPD:

•   The use of logical explanation

•   Hoping that by your example the BPD will somehow learn to give back love, respect, care and consider your needs

•   Being defensive and argue when the BPD is raging

How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:

•   Seeing the relationship realistically

•   Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future

•   Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD

•   Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes

•   Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced

•   Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries

•   Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups

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arjay
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2566

We create our own reality.


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« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2014, 11:58:22 AM »

Good stuff MM.  Thanks for sharing
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BacknthSaddle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 474


« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2014, 12:28:45 PM »

How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:

•   Seeing the relationship realistically

•   Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future

•   Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD

•   Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes

•   Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced

•   Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries

•   Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups

Spot on.  I think that every one of these is necessary. 
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