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Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you
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Topic: Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you (Read 452 times)
MustangMan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 34
Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you
«
on:
June 06, 2014, 10:26:26 AM »
What is different in the Caretakers personality:
• We have higher than normal sense of empathy and compassion
• We have great dislike for conflict and anger
• We are over-generous
• We are self –sacrificing
• We are calm
• We make little to no boundaries to keep the BPD calm
• We have low self-esteem not to think that we deserve a better treatment from a partner
• We live in the fantasy that BPD will change
• We have fear of not being able to predict when the BPD will be loving or furious
• We have fear of not saying the exact right words that could make the BPD explode in anger
• We have fear to say NO to the BPD and have her explode in anger
• We have fear of losing our job, friends, financial stability
Being a Caretaker to a BPD leads to:
• Over-exploitation by the BPD of all the great qualities like generosity, self-sacrifice, dislike of conflict
• Reinforce the BPD bad behaviors by collapsing in the face of anger
• Chronic low-level anxiety and depression from ignoring and denying your own needs and feelings for a long period
• Manipulation from the BPD, because the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship are constantly being breached
• Keeping your feelings of sadness, anxiety and rage to yourself and not showing the BPD to save the BPD from those emotions
• Depression from keeping your bad feelings inside and from realizing that your dream of a healthy relationship is not likely to happen
Which behavior of the Caretaker is not working with BPD:
• The use of logical explanation
• Hoping that by your example the BPD will somehow learn to give back love, respect, care and consider your needs
• Being defensive and argue when the BPD is raging
How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:
• Seeing the relationship realistically
• Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future
• Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD
• Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes
• Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced
• Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries
• Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups
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arjay
Retired Staff
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2566
We create our own reality.
Re: Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you
«
Reply #1 on:
June 06, 2014, 11:58:22 AM »
Good stuff MM. Thanks for sharing
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BacknthSaddle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 474
Re: Sharing my personal notes from my recent readings in hope it may help you
«
Reply #2 on:
June 06, 2014, 12:28:45 PM »
Quote from: MustangMan on June 06, 2014, 10:26:26 AM
How do you recover from being a Caretaker and get back to a healthy life:
• Seeing the relationship realistically
• Stop hoping for a change for good in the BPD in a near future
• Stop trying to understand the “logic” of the BPD
• Realizing that you are the only one who can control the changes
• Looking around for healthy relationships around you and try analysing what makes them healthy and balanced
• Setting boundaries: Learn to say NO, make clear, defined and CONSISTENT over time boundaries
• Getting validation and support from therapists and specialized support groups
Spot on. I think that every one of these is necessary.
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