SO disengaging.

[conflicted55]

My SO with undiagnosed BPD visited. I asked why she was so distant and she said we need to talk but not while I was unwell.     However, she was hinting that the conversation would be about ending the relationship. I sensed she has already made the decision to end it so I told her there was no point in discussing it if her decision was made already.
She said we were friends first and endings were important. The conversation began to escalate as she began to put the blame at my door, unfairly I might add. (I suspect there is someone else as she wanted to have the conversation previously, prior to a family event we were due to attend. Which did not make sense to me as I was helping her with the organisation of said event.)
It is clear that she resents me. I have felt for awhile I have been split black. I said I would welcome the talk at a later date if we were both open to attempting to resolve our difficulties. She seemed to just want to lay the blame firmly at my door and for the most obscure reasons. the conversation was very contradictory and when I pointed this out she would then say I was contradictory. One of those loop de loop conversations. We both got defensive which wasnt good. Something that took me aback was her comment: my intuition is the relationship is not right. Is that because I am split black? Or is that now due to the size of her resentment?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear that you're unwell. Having a conversation like that at such a time is really tough. 

What is your intuitive feeling about the relationship and how are you feeling? Do you want to try and make it work?

How do you feel about the resentment towards you? It's hard to be presented with a list of things that aren't positive about ourselves. Those can be the most difficult times to validate.  If you've not already read and practised the Tools (top header menu) I'd encourage you to do so. This stuff can take a while to get the hang of, but it really makes a difference.

How were things left?

Love and light x

[conflicted55]

Thank you for your reply loveandlight.
She said she would ring me the next day but I have not heard a peep. I rang her but no answer so left a msg asking if she was ok. Nothing, but when we have had words previously she does not contact me... she says she has to process things. and it takes her awhile to do that. I know she is good at long silences as she told me it drives people up the wall if you give them the silent treatment.

However, this weekend is the anniversary of a dear ones passing so how sad that she could not at least check if I was ok.

The list of things she presented to me which were negative was her stuff projected onto me. It was like she was desperate to fling any old mud that she could. Yes, difficult to validate... near impossible.
I want to talk and clarify exactly what is going on ie and with whom. My sense is she has moved on to someone else and this has been in the background manhy months. I want closure for my own sanity... .but if she was willing to sit and work through things, I would. My heart says yes try and my head says run for the hills.

One other thing she said that puzzled me was: I hope you hate me. what a weird thing to say. Is that to assauge her guilt?

Conflicted55 xx

[Harri]

Hi conflicted55

One other thing she said that puzzled me was: I hope you hate me. what a weird thing to say. Is that to assauge her guilt?

It is hard to say for sure what was going on in her head when she said it.  It might be part of the push/push behavior that pwBPD will often engage in.  Some alternate back and forth with a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment.

[wendydarling]

Hi conflicted55

How are you doing? Have you heard back from her? My daughter retreats to get back to baseline, she turns everything off. We all accept it and wait for her to emerge.

WDx

[conflicted55]

Hi Wendydarling,
Nothing. In the past, I have always been the one to make contact. This is the longest NC we have had. She has said in the past that she needs time to process stuff. Is this what you mean by baseline?
Conflicted55 x

[Radcliff]

I think of getting back to baseline as waiting for the emotional storm to pass.  I've found that with my pwBPD, when I try to change the course of a hurricane, it doesn't end up well.  The trick is to give them enough space to let them work it out, yet have them know you're available when they're ready so they don't feel abandoned.  In your case, you could say something like, "I've been thinking about you.  I'd be happy to talk if you want.  If I don't hear from you, I'll check back in in a couple of days."  That makes it sound like you're respecting her space, yet also gives you both a definite time when you'll check back, so neither is left wondering.

How have things been for the past couple of days?

RC

[wendydarling]

Hi Wendydarling,
Nothing. In the past, I have always been the one to make contact. This is the longest NC we have had. She has said in the past that she needs time to process stuff. Is this what you mean by baseline?
Conflicted55 x

Yes it is conflicted55 waiting for the emotional storm to pass as RC says.

How are you?

[conflicted55]

Wendydarling,

Struggling. Feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. A few days ago I caught my SO getting out of her ex's car. So it seems my suspicions are right. she has split me black... .I have no idea how to get her to split me white again or if that is even possible. I am guessing the ex will now be split white.

RC, unfortunately she has been using the space to get closer to her ex. I feel I am doomed. She has been unwell so I have popped by but she seems to dislike me popping by as if it is cramping her style!

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that she has distanced herself from you and gotten back with her ex.  This is a pattern many members have seen, and there is a playbook response for it.  You need to take care of yourself.  Don't pursue her.  She either will or won't come back.  But by taking care of yourself and continuing to give her space you both become healthier and also a more attractive partner to her or someone new.

What's your personal state?  How is work?  How are you sleeping?  Are you participating in activities you enjoy, and are you interacting regularly with friends and family?  Are you exercising?

RC

[conflicted55]

Radcliff,
What does 'there is a playbook response to it' mean?
I am recovering from ill health myself. And am on crutches with a painful leg. So my love of walking and exercising has had to take a back seat.
No family. A few friends have been supportive.

[Radcliff]

Radcliff,
What does 'there is a playbook response to it' mean?
I am recovering from ill health myself. And am on crutches with a painful leg. So my love of walking and exercising has had to take a back seat.
No family. A few friends have been supportive.

I was referring to American football, where the players run in a certain pattern to effect a particular play in response to a certain situation.  These play patterns are listed in the team's "playbook" which at one point would typically be in a three-ring binder.  In other words, many have trodden this path before you, and the best course of action in your situation is known.

I'm sorry that you're recovering from ill health.  One important component of your plan, then, is to make sure you're doing everything to take care of your condition, not letting depression or anything else get in the way of that self care.

Only part of your support network needs to be up to speed on your pwBPD issues.  Others might simply be social contacts who help get your mind on other things, and make you feel part of a tribe.  Do you have any thoughts on how you might get out and about and see more people?  Are there any classes you're interested in taking?

RC