14 year relationship with BPD, Bipolar 1, PTSD woman

[newcmags]

Hi guys, I am reaching out for whatever support\help I can find online... .since I can't seem to find very much in real life.

To make a very long story short I will sum up my marriage in bullet points:

I will be very honest about my

1. Met, she was 18 and I 20.

2. Got married lest than a year later in 6/2002

3. By this point she had successfully, convinced me to get rid of all my friends for one reason or another. 

4. I was a huge loser and petty criminal at the time.  Spent time in jail.  Could not keep a job.  Got us evicted from numerous apartments. Was abusive in mental and light physical ways at times (never beat her badly or anything but our fights would get physical in pushing and stuff like that).

5. She rightfully left and divorced me in 2004\5.

6. I spent that time getting me life together.  Started school, started working at the school as work-study which became a full-time job where I still work.

7. We get back together and remarry in 12/2006.

8. Fast forward to 2011.  Times were not the best or that bad in in the years of or remarriage.  She stopped working 2008 and has not worked since, except for a 2 week period where she was training and let go from ATT phone center.

9.  In 2011 I graduate with my BA in History and Political Science, with high honors and start going to Grad school to earn my MA in History.  I also started teaching part time at night.  So I was super busy... .Mon-Thur I was gone from 7am till 10:30pm.  On the weekends I would be in the library doing research.  It was way too much for me and our relationship.  For me I burnt out and dropped out of Grad school.

10.  For our marriage it led to separation. at first my wife asked for a friend of hers to come stay with us.  It turns out that this friend was a lesbian lover and they eventually moved me out of the large room and relegated me to the 2nd bedroom.  It was just god awful to have that happen.  She eventually moved out with her lover.  Sometimes I would come home and stuff would have been stolen, like my Xbox or tv.  Turns out her lover was scum.  A thief who used Diane and took her and locked her up in the worse living conditions ever.  And her family would have her drive them to Walmarts and be the get away person while the stole stuff, sometimes whole shopping carts of stuff. When she eventually came home she had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for around week.

11. We moved closer to my family and work and were ok for awhile. She eventually though decided to leave again and moved across the street to live with her new best friend in 2014.  A week or so after moving in with them she start having sex with her friends brother.  Keep in mind I lived across the street so this all in my face constantly.  I was still paying all of her bills and stuff during this period as well.

12.  She moved back in and things seemed ok for a while. I bought her a new 2000 dollar ring set since she had pawned and lost the original one and a laptop which had been pawned and lost as well.

13.  Over the last three months she has been having at least 3 emotional affairs and atleast 1 if not more sexual affairs. 

14. She has completely split black on me now and wont even speak to me half the time.  She lies constantly and gets as mad as possible when I confront her in her lies.

15.  She says she wants a divorce but has no where to go, her parents wont take her back in, unless I agree to continue to pay for all her bills.

16. She calls me a monster and says she wants nothing to do with me. That the sight of me makes her sick, that my touch is revolting... .etc...

I dont know what I am looking for here... .I am just lost completely.  Help advice, just a friendly ear since I have no friends in real life that I can talk to.  If I tell anyone what is going on she she freaks out completely.  So i tell no one. She hates my family so I had to block them on FB and rarely speak to them.  Her moods and everything have effectively isolated me from all my friends I have ever had because I always choose what she wants and she quickly sours on everyone in her life.  Her sister wont speak to her. Her parents back me up in our fights a lot of the time since they know how she lies.

I know that I  have not been the best husband.  I have Bipolar 2, always depressed with some short normal periods, never manic.  And I have adhd, really badly.  I have no verbal filter at times and when I get frustrated with her for not doing housework or not working for 7 years I have said some mean stuff without meaning it.  But I am not a monster.  I still constantly hear about stuff that happened 12-14 years ago... .I am sick of being put on the cross.

I love her and want to honor my vows and make this work.  Any advice?

Sorry for the length, but it a long story.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[turbo squash]

Goodness gracious. That is hard. Really hard.

Do you like the treatment you have been receiving? Do you like being estranged from friends and family? Through all of this, have you been doing anything just because you want to do it and not because that is what you think is best?

[newcmags]

Thank you for the reply.  Re-reading my post and I just realized how much that seems like verbal vomit.  Sorry about that, I will try to express myself better in the future.

Do I like the treatment?

    God now, I have never been more depressed than I am right now.  I have had quasi-suicidal (not wanting to kill myself but thinking about how I would rather not-exist).

Do I like being estranged?

   No... .I want to reach out to my parents but I know that I will only make things worse with my wife.  She has been black on them for a while now.  They live down the street and she would never go visit my father with me on father's day.  Could not even swallow her ahte for a courtesy visit.

Have I dont things because I want or because I think its best?

    IDK... .I try my best not to make rash decisions and to view all of her actions through the lens of her BPD and bi-polar.  Honeslty its the only way I can write off her bahviour.  I know that she lies to her therapist and that it doesnt seem like the medicine has helped at all.  I guess the answer is that I try to do what is best for her no matter what, and only think of myself after her most of the time, except when I get so fustrated that I explode and say things i don't mean.

[turbo squash]

newcmags, I feel like we have a lot of similarities.

The biggest thing that I have learned during my current separation from my wife is that I gave too much. I made her happiness more important than my happiness. I was codependent. That made me miserable. I would try to suck everything up and be the big man that takes care of everything... .and then I would periodically explode just like you. This is not the way to live a happy life.

What does your perfect world look like? What is your wife like? What is your relationship like with others?

[newcmags]

Thanks once again   Its nice to hear someone who has gone through something similar.  I am very codependent.  I know that.  I just don't understand how to fix it.  I want her to leave but I am deathly afraid of being alone in the world, I literally don't know what to do with myself if I am not taking care of her needs.

What does my perfect world look like?

  Perfect?  My wife takes her treatment seriously.  Stops lying.  Stops seeing or talking to other men.  Just loves me like a wife should.  Appreciates me.  I just want a simple life and a kid.  Go to work, come home and have a good non-fighting family life.  I don't think that is too much to ask for?  Maybe it is too much to expect from her.

What is your wife like?

    Right now?  She is cruel, cold, calculating, and manipulative to me... .To everyone else she is as sweet as can be.  Super social able to make friends at the drop of a dime.  They usually don't last long, the friendships, but she can reel them in a heartbeat.  She used be that person to me.  I think that is what keeps me coming back for more abuse and ridicule.  The small moments when she is normal are wonderful.  BUt she never follows on anything.  She went to college and managed to drop out even though I took a quater of her classes for online and did 75% of her work in her in-person classes... .  She is the type of the person who will set out to the clean the house and end up making it a bigger mess than ever.  Thats when she is up to do anything. Mos the time she spend on facebook playing games and looking at people out their in the world and enjoying their lives and complaining that she is not doing that stuff.  I tell her we barely get back cause I am on the only one working so we have to be happy with what we have but she says taht is attacking her and that she should be able to do anything she wants. 

What is your relationship like with others?

    Most other people I know are at work and they see me as a perfectly normal if a little sad person.  I am called the stoic... .  With everyone but Diane I am very easy going.  Just have trouble reaching out to people and making friends beyond pleasantries... .because I know if I let someone in Diane will eventually demand them be excised from my our life.

I want to make it work with my wife.  I just don't have any idea how to change her heart.

[turbo squash]

Thanks once again   Its nice to hear someone who has gone through something similar.  I am very codependent.  I know that. 

I don't think that is too much to ask for?  Maybe it is too much to expect from her.

I want to make it work with my wife.  I just don't have any idea how to change her heart.

We're all friends here. This board has already helped me out a lot and so I try to help others too and give back.

Knowing that you are codependent is the first step to fixing it. I am working on that right now with my therapist. I strongly recommend that everyone see a therapist, but I especially recommend that people who are going through hard times see a therapist. There are books out there about it, but considering how much you have given to her (doing her college classes for her), I think it would be really important to talk to a therapist about it.

You are not asking for too much. Your perfect life is a normal one. What you said after that says a lot. Is that too much to ask for from her? Based on what her pattern has been, do you think that she is capable of giving you what you want?

The last thing you said was a red flag to me. You can't change the heart of another. It doesn't work like that. She has to choose to get better and repair the marriage or else any fix will just be a temporary one and the marriage will collapse again in the future.

As a side note:

Don't be afraid to ask people to hang out. I spent a lot of years being afraid to ask people to hang out and only recently have gotten over that. You're obviously a giving person and people that give are nice ones to have around.

[newcmags]

What I meant by changing her heart was really just ending this current splitting black episode.  I just saw a pysch to get some meds... .next up is the therapist in two weeks.  I pay for her to go weekly so I haven't seen anyone recently... .in years for my stuff.  Her therapy and everything is very costly and there isn't much money for me to pay for stuff like that for me.  At least I can function in the world while she is completely incapable of doing so I put her first.  Plus there are weight lost drugs for her... .her medicine regime is insane.

You are probably right about asking people to hang out.  IDK... .I was bullied really badly in school so I have never been good socially... .I am great once I get forced in the same room with someone for a long time... .we always get along great and can be the life of the party in the right circumstance but asking another guy to hangout at 34 seems weird.

[turbo squash]

I pay for her to go weekly so I haven't seen anyone recently... .in years for my stuff.

You are probably right about asking people to hang out.  IDK... .I was bullied really badly in school so I have never been good socially... .I am great once I get forced in the same room with someone for a long time... .we always get along great and can be the life of the party in the right circumstance but asking another guy to hangout at 34 seems weird.

newcmags. Please. Please. Please. Start taking care of yourself. You are paying for treatment that you said she does not take seriously and you do that while you suffer. I don't think that you should be paying for any of her stuff while she is actively sleeping around and pushing you away. I am not doing that with my wife.

I think that you may be enabling her by providing her financial support and that you allow her to continue her destructive behavior. If she never hits rock bottom, she will never have any reason to change.

So don't call it hanging out. Ask guys if they want to go watch a sporting event at a bar and have a few beers. For what it is worth, I was bullied for a few years in middle school. It sucked. I know the low self-esteem that accompanies that, but I promise you that making friends isn't as hard as it seems.

[MaybeSo]

I would love to see you get into therapy or even meet with a DV counselor to discuss your situation.  :)V counselors are generally

a free service to the community through a non-profit or similar.  Bottom line you need to turn the focus to your own healing and self-care.  It's the hardest thing to do, but it's what will start to change things eventually for the better.  

Right now, you are describing very unhealthy codependent dynamics. I totally agree with the turbo squash. This serves to make two people both more sick, together, even if they are "apart" or not living together.  It's the dynamics that make it unhealthy.  Isolation from the tribe is one of the main ways people get more sick, together.  You have to have a community and family... .or the couples weakest points become more and more exacerbated in isolation.  You can see how this has made things worse by reading your post.  That has to stop.

By the way, congratulations for turning your life around and working so hard to get through college!  That is very impressive. It also shows you have have the capacity to muscle through really difficult, challenging tasks.  You need to use that same skill now to turn your attention on strengthening yourself and your own self healing.  This is the only way to start getting your head above the toxic cloud so you can see a bit more clearly again. She may or may not get better... .but if you stay sick in codependence with her... .nothing will change.

[newcmags]

Turbo- you 100% about the financial support.  But honestly its the only reasons he is still around... .and I know... .I am so codependent that I do it even though I know its bad for me and bad for her.  Codependency is a  like a plague.  It takes your whole life and throws it down the drain.

Maybeso- Thanks for the reply. I have an appointment with a therapist in about 2 weeks, it was the earliest I could get... .I hope I am able to afford my copay at the time or I will have to cancel.  What you said about the tribe and isolation is really true.  The more you rely on each other for everything the more painful disappointments become so much more painful and the good times never seem to come because you are always around each other and get no relief.

Thanks for the comment about college... .thing is it never seemed like work looking back on it. It was the happiest time of my life, except grad school that really blew, well the classes we ok but the research was horrible adn i was too busy to do it right.  I loved my undergrade period though.  One semester I took 8 classes, I had to I woudl have lost my financial aid because of some stupid stuff I did when I was younger.  I loved being busy all the time and doing everything at school. Ended up with 7 A's and a B that semester... .not that you care, just good memories   I think I might kick her out this weekend... .I dont know if i have the strength... .I still want to make it work but she is gonna say the cruelest stuff to me then it is never going to.  Last night I "I wish you just die so I could collect your life insurance"  and Your such a f--ing loser you have no friends at all and your parents dont even give a crap about you"  And then she spent time telling me how she was gonna have me committed because I admitted to her that I was having suicidal thoughts... .sucha  abd night last night

[turbo squash]

I loved my undergrade period though.  One semester I took 8 classes, I had to... . I loved being busy all the time and doing everything at school. Ended up with 7 A's and a B that semester... .not that you care, just good memories  I think I might kick her out this weekend... .I dont know if i have the strength... .I still want to make it work but she is gonna say the cruelest stuff to me then it is never going to.  Last night I "I wish you just die so I could collect your life insurance"  and Your such a f--ing loser you have no friends at all and your parents dont even give a crap about you"  And then she spent time telling me how she was gonna have me committed because I admitted to her that I was having suicidal thoughts... .sucha  abd night last night

newcmags, I feel for you man. Your situation must be really difficult. I'm going to start off with a quote from "The Help"

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Your thoughts matter. Your opinions matter. Your dreams matter. Your wants matter. Your needs matter. You don't need to apologize for talking to people on an internet forum designed for talking to other people. You should be proud of that semester. That is impressive. I would brag about that all the time if I was you too AND I wouldn't apologize for it.

Your wife has not cared about you as much as you deserve. She has obviously openly said terrible things to you. When that is your only friend, no wonder you're suicidal. Anybody would be.