Starting to miss him

[balletomane]

It's been thirteen months since my ex discarded me and almost a year since I went no contact. For the first time, I've started to miss him.

In the first months of splintering grief, when I felt as though my ribs were breaking apart and collapsing into my chest cavity under the weight of this pain, I didn't miss him. I missed what I thought I'd had with him - a degree of trust and reciprocity. I missed hugs. I missed having someone I could talk to so often. I missed feeling loved and cherished. But I didn't miss him, partly because by now I was no longer making excuses for his problems and for the abusive stuff he'd done, and partly because I couldn't see the past independently of my present pain - looking at the fun times we'd had together was like looking at them through dark glasses.

Now, with distance, I'm able to separate things a bit, and I can tolerate fleeting memories of good things without getting upset. I'm not talking about idealization here; I'm talking about genuine fun, most of which preceded our romantic relationship. My attitude is, "Well, that part was good while it lasted, but the rest was crap, and you've moved on."

I think it's good that I've arrived at this point, because it wasn't practical to be flinching away from memories all the time, and dark glasses are no more practical for constant everyday use than rose-coloured ones are. But even though I feel that things are getting better, this stage is still a little painful in its own right - partly because I sense that I am getting close to closure now, and even though I have wanted this, the idea of walking away with no more glances back makes me feel uncertain about myself and my future. Can anyone relate to this?

[hope2727]

Yup I totally relate. Sorry you are suffering. I can only say it does get a little better as time passes.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey ballet-

I think it's good that I've arrived at this point, because it wasn't practical to be flinching away from memories all the time, and dark glasses are no more practical for constant everyday use than rose-coloured ones are.

That's a cool way to put it.  I like that.

I'm not talking about idealization here; I'm talking about genuine fun, most of which preceded our romantic relationship.

But even though I feel that things are getting better, this stage is still a little painful in its own right - partly because I sense that I am getting close to closure now, and even though I have wanted this, the idea of walking away with no more glances back makes me feel uncertain about myself and my future.

Yes, looking backward is safer in a sense because it's known, although you're right, when we shift the focus from the past to the future we are moving forward again, and we have created closure.  And good for you!

And although there's uncertainty in the future, there's also endless possibility, yes?  And what if your future included genuine fun with someone that wouldn't end when the romantic part started?  Who do you need to be and what do you need to focus on to include that as one of your endless possibilities?

[patientandclear]

Ballet: I miss mine too. We were friends and allies at work for long time before we started seeing each other romantically. After he broke up with me, we put together a friendship that for a time seemed healthy and good. There is much to miss that no one else in my world provides.

It helps a bit for me to recognize that in the post love affair friendship (which you didn't play out as long as I did), much of what I miss now has uncertain meaning. I think it was a long of manipulation in the guise of sincere feeling. Easier to let that go.

I'm sorry. It is hard to lose what it was or seemed to be when it was good.

[Inharmsway]

Hi Balletomane,

I sure can relate to this. It hit me when you said:  

"I didn't miss him. I missed what I thought I'd had with him - a degree of trust and reciprocity"

I couldn't have said it better myself. With distance sure come perspective.

Hope the pain desipates with time.

[balletomane]

And although there's uncertainty in the future, there's also endless possibility, yes?  And what if your future included genuine fun with someone that wouldn't end when the romantic part started?  Who do you need to be and what do you need to focus on to include that as one of your endless possibilities?

Right now I'm not in a position to date, but I think the next thing for me to look at is self-respect and dignity. One of the things that I really struggled with in the abusive relationship was my ex's gaslighting and projection. He was so adamant that everything was all my fault (he used those exact words) and so insistent in his description of exactly what was wrong with my behaviour that for a long time I believed it must be true. When I started to wake up to it, I would apologise for things I hadn't done, thoughts I'd never thought, whatever he'd accused me of this time, just to try and make him stop. He had a cruel tongue. When he discarded me, I tried - from under the weight of the pain - to explain why I was hurting. I could barely speak. He interrupted with, "If you still don't understand what you did, there's no point in talking about it." I apologised and said, "I never meant to hurt you."

And I regret that. I regret that on a day when he was particularly cruel and selfish, the day when he casually admitted to cheating on me but expected me to enthusiastically support him in his new relationship ("Well, this didn't go as well as I hoped" were his words when he left me on that day), I still made it all about him and his feelings. I agreed to everything he wanted. Yes, I would try to be his friend. Yes, I would "be brave". (He told me that he was having to be very brave to try a new relationship and I should be brave too. I actually wanted to shake him at that point, because it isn't terribly brave to only let me know about the replacement after you've secured her, is it?) But I didn't have the strength. And for months afterwards I struggled to be kind to myself over it - I was as sour and critical as he was, telling myself how stupid I'd been to put up with all that, and feeling ashamed.

I think my next step definitely needs to be cultivating more self-respect. I'm not too sure how to do that yet, but I'll find a way.

[fromheeltoheal]

Right now I'm not in a position to date, but I think the next thing for me to look at is self-respect and dignity. One of the things that I really struggled with in the abusive relationship was my ex's gaslighting and projection. He was so adamant that everything was all my fault (he used those exact words) and so insistent in his description of exactly what was wrong with my behaviour that for a long time I believed it must be true. When I started to wake up to it, I would apologise for things I hadn't done, thoughts I'd never thought, whatever he'd accused me of this time, just to try and make him stop. He had a cruel tongue. When he discarded me, I tried - from under the weight of the pain - to explain why I was hurting. I could barely speak. He interrupted with, "If you still don't understand what you did, there's no point in talking about it." I apologised and said, "I never meant to hurt you."

And I regret that. I regret that on a day when he was particularly cruel and selfish, the day when he casually admitted to cheating on me but expected me to enthusiastically support him in his new relationship ("Well, this didn't go as well as I hoped" were his words when he left me on that day), I still made it all about him and his feelings. I agreed to everything he wanted. Yes, I would try to be his friend. Yes, I would "be brave". (He told me that he was having to be very brave to try a new relationship and I should be brave too. I actually wanted to shake him at that point, because it isn't terribly brave to only let me know about the replacement after you've secured her, is it?) But I didn't have the strength. And for months afterwards I struggled to be kind to myself over it - I was as sour and critical as he was, telling myself how stupid I'd been to put up with all that, and feeling ashamed.

I'm sorry ballet.  I've been in that exact same place and it SUCKS.  And it takes a while to untangle from.  We can learn about the disorder, which helps, and we can learn what parts of ourselves were triggered by the shenanigans and vow to work on those, which also helps.  And what I've found works best is to eventually shift the focus from the past to the future, which you're doing.

I think my next step definitely needs to be cultivating more self-respect. I'm not too sure how to do that yet, but I'll find a way.

Who we are is largely who we are in relation to other people, and it's critical for those of us who have been down the rabbit hole of dysfunction with a personality disordered person, to connect with as many people who show us respect as possible.  Same with validation; it takes a while to learn to self-validate again, so it really helps to get as much external validation as possible.  That's what friends are for, I've heard somewhere.  Now I didn't start to do that until about the same amount of time as you've been out, I did too much unhealthy drinking initially, equally dysfunctional, but it was what it was and at least the damage from her had stopped.  But a year is a decent amount of distance, and you're in a great spot to go actively looking for respect and validation, on your way to relearning those traits for yourself.  Yes, you will find a way.

[sweet tooth]

Yes, it would be. It's very hard for me to "hate" anybody, even people who have betrayed me. I feel your pain.