butt I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that nothing was real and I didn't know if this was just absolutely crazy of me if I wrote them a letter. I don't think they would mind that much I just don't know if it would be a waste of time and if I'm just in complete denial or what.
If you tell me no don't do it please explain to me why thank you
Hey Jessed, replying to your post because I have been struggling with a similar question. I was married 11 years and spent holidays and special events with in-laws and likewise had an abrupt ending to the marriage and so never got "closure" with the extended family.
Given my own uncertainty about my true motivations I have kept myself from acting on my thoughts. I have spent considerable time considering this decision and at times I do have an internal clarity about my question that results in knowing a healthy approach to my answer. This how I see that healthy approach.
Yes, I would get closure by sending a communication to the in-laws. That closure would be for my relationship with the in-laws, not with with my ex.
However, embedded in that truth is another thread of motivation that says, perhaps I can get together with them and talk about her traits and then I can ask their opinion and maybe they will offer to tell her that she is in the wrong and I will feel validated. Even in the course of this fantasy, I cannot conjure an imaginary we-get-back-together-for-a-happily-ever-after ending. I am sure of this b/c my ex decided that she was done. She did not consult my in-laws before making the decision and I would bet that they tried to persuade her not to leave - assuming that she did not lie and tell them that I left her; clearing my name is yet another ulterior motive I have had clarity about for wanting "closure".
Also I know from firsthand information that she was heavily persuaded by friends and others not to leave and she did anyway. The only one who has lacked acceptance about her leaving is ME. Therefore, the in-laws would have no other impact on the outcome other than allowing me to keep the door open to wishful thinking and thereby extending what has already been an extraordinarily painful time.
So, if you have the intention of getting closure with her parents, by all means go for it. But I would suppose that, like me, you are on a slippery slope that is steep and greased with ulterior motivations.
This is all extremely difficult stuff but I think your words about "having a hard time accepting" all of this are spot on and justifiably so. Trying to keep the door open in some way is going to extend the duration of that difficult time as the parents are not likely to have an influence on your ex's decision.
Hope that explanation helps.
JRB