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Author Topic: Would it be okay to write my ex BPD parents a letter  (Read 462 times)
jessedsickabouther
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« on: March 12, 2016, 12:16:34 PM »

I know probably conventional wisdom is going to say no. But I don't no if I should or should not. I'm guessing that for me the biggest struggle I'm having is that the behavior at the end seemed 180 degrees opposite from what we were planning just a couple weeks prior. And my axe apparently had extensive DBT therapy prior to meeting me. Also she spoke of cutting herself. Obviously I know that this will probably not have a positive reconciliation result but I'm wondering if because I know these people from eating them if they could help me with closire or understanding.

I'm really struggling and I've already made the decision do not have any more contacts since all of our issues were resolved this week butt I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that nothing was real and I didn't know if this was just absolutely crazy of me if I wrote them a letter. I don't think they would mind that much I just don't know if it would be a waste of time and if I'm just in complete denial or what.

If you tell me no don't do it please explain to me why thank you
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2016, 12:19:15 PM »

LOL no I meant meeting them not eating them
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2016, 12:59:52 PM »

hey jessed 

what would you like to say in your letter?

i dont think her family is in a position to help you with closure. i understand youre having a hard time accepting things; as you say, your issues were resolved this week, but i suspect youve not had time to gain your own sense of resolution.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2016, 01:03:23 PM »

Closure doesnt come from them or anyone else, it comes from within you.  Only you can achieve it.  Your ex, her parents... .whoever can't give that to you.

Focus within.  Only then will you find your closure.
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2016, 01:07:39 PM »

In the interest of keeping my reply short I think it comes down to this. She has had extensive therapy and everything seemed fine. And I guess I'm no different than anyone else but she seemed overall much healthier and I don't know if me asking some questions or explaining anything to her parents might result in them offering me some kind words or I don't know whatever they want to say. I think they know I was a good guy and they like me and I took him around DC when they came back in October so we were kind of making a bunch of plans for the future and I don't know if I should just assume it's a completely lost cause just because she's BPD or maybe her parents might say something else I don't know


But yes I am struggling this week because now there is no reason that she should be contacting me at all and I've told her that but in a nice way in fact the way things ended on Wednesday was a very short email saying that she was correct that email is not an ideal form of communication and that let's leave it like this if you need me in the future then please pick up the phone and call me but I think I emphasized the fact that it would be me not any of these other indirect contacts of nonsense


I guess I was thinking that since I have a prior relationship with them that was good and I had a good relationship with my girlfriend that maybe they would either write back and say just give her some time and space and they could give me some other information or they might just say you know what it's better that you just move on because of such and such but I was going to let them know that you know we never had any serious issues and that she kind of just seem to lose it at the end and I don't really understand


I'm pretty sure that no one's going to tell me I should email them and I think it would be counterproductive to NE last shred of Hope laced with denial that I have
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2016, 01:11:13 PM »

Ask yourself this: what do you think they can they tell you that you don't already know?
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2016, 01:11:28 PM »

You take the sum of all of the information that you have so in order to obtain closure and since we didn't have a psycho relationship with abusing all that other s*** but was mostly a loving relationship I figured that would tell me a lot because she talks to her mother every single day

I'm not getting the closure very quickly let me just put it to you that way
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2016, 01:12:18 PM »

Think and tell me stories maybe her mom was very nice or she could tell me what she went through that I don't know about and just tell me it's okay to love her but really you're better off to leave her alone I don't know I don't have that answer
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2016, 01:13:38 PM »

I maybe they tell me how to speak to her I don't know all I know is that she was the one begging to be friends and she's the one that was doing things to provoke some sort of reaction or contact and now that she had the opportunity she doesn't seem to know what to say or she doesn't care and I figure if she's going to do it again in a couple weeks or a couple months again anyway I'd rather just hit it straight on and talk to her mother now
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2016, 01:20:05 PM »

I should have said resolution instead of closire. If the contact from her mom results and me finding out that she said something bad about me that I don't know or Allied which I can't imagine that she did but who knows then that would tell me one thing. However if she says that she still conflicted and confused and she can suggest to me what I can do to open up conversation or whatever then I could go from there the problem is that in these relationships when it doesn't make sense you're left wondering if you're the problem or they're the problem and you obviously care about the person and you like to think that what you had is real but yeah if I'm in complete denial then that's definitely my problem but you could also understand tell her mother saying that would pretty much help me to have closure because how could I date her anyway without her mother's approval
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2016, 01:24:50 PM »

There's nothing you can say to open up dialogue if she's painted you black.  Literally nothing.  She won't hear a word you say. She won't absorb any of it.

Closure comes in time, it isn't instant.  But you have to find your own closure and answers.  She can't give you either.  Any question you ask will be met with "I don't know" as the most likely answer.  That just leads to more frustration.  Ask her a question out loud and then reply to yourself with "I don't know".  See how fast that gets frustrating because that's probably how she'll respond, if she responds at all.

It's time to focus on yourself.  Don't worry about her or look for answers from her. You won't get what you want from that path. I know.
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2016, 01:29:18 PM »

I guess part of my denial is that with all of the therapy that they spent all that money on that she would come around so to speak. So I got 20 emails in a row all about business stuff apparently she could finally talk about that but what you're saying is there won't come a time when she's ever going to be able to talk about the other stuff ?

So I'm guessing this whole painted white thing is not real or you don't Envision a time in the future now that it's been three months where I'm going to ever get any answers or she is going to be able to talk like she might have learned how to in therapy  just curious
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2016, 01:30:53 PM »

I don't know if any of you can relate but I've been reading everything I can get my hands on for two and a half years and I have to tell you honestly the more I read the less I can wrap my head around this. I've heard all these answers and I just don't get it.
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jessedsickabouther
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« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2016, 01:32:21 PM »

How do I know if I'm painted black. When we were dealing with all the financial matters she answered every email I sent back and forth in like 2 to 3 minutes and even when we broke up she's the one who said there's nothing else we need to talk about but I felt like if I'd just gone over there and force the issue I could have worked it out but I just didn't want to chase her anymore and I know she's up on a dating site so you're certainly not looking for me but I don't know if I have been painted black or what the actual situation is
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2016, 01:38:08 PM »

I guess part of my denial is that with all of the therapy that they spent all that money on that she would come around so to speak. So I got 20 emails in a row all about business stuff apparently she could finally talk about that but what you're saying is there won't come a time when she's ever going to be able to talk about the other stuff ?

So I'm guessing this whole painted white thing is not real or you don't Envision a time in the future now that it's been three months where I'm going to ever get any answers or she is going to be able to talk like she might have learned how to in therapy  just curious

She may talk about it, sometime. She may not.  It's all up to her.  You can't force that conversation, all she would do would be to shutdown if you tried.  None of this is about you.  It's all about her.  One day you'll understand that.

DBT isn't a cure.  It isn't a magic bullet.  :)BT is still highly debated as to its effectiveness.  It has shown promise, which is more than there used to be.  One thing agreed upon is that if it shows 'success', the person is managed but still has BPD.  Under the right stressors, they can dysregulate. After all, they're still BPD.  

Now is the time for you to focus on your own issues and heal from the r/s.  Get with a T and talk about it.  Work through it.  Heal.  Fixating on her isn't going to help you do that.  Her parents can't do anything and neither can you.  
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« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2016, 01:42:46 PM »

jessed,

i know the urge. i thought about contacting her parents. i thought about, at various times, various means of contacting my ex.

you seem pretty self aware about how youre feeling (you say that youre in denial). since things were recently involved and it sounds like youre not in contact, im wondering if the urge is coming from a feeling of being in limbo, or even just longing for "some" form of contact.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2016, 09:25:46 PM »

butt I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that nothing was real and I didn't know if this was just absolutely crazy of me if I wrote them a letter. I don't think they would mind that much I just don't know if it would be a waste of time and if I'm just in complete denial or what.

If you tell me no don't do it please explain to me why thank you

Hey Jessed, replying to your post because I have been struggling with a similar question.  I was married 11 years and spent holidays and special events with in-laws and likewise had an abrupt ending to the marriage and so never got "closure" with the extended family. 

Given my own uncertainty about my true motivations I have kept myself from acting on my thoughts.  I have spent considerable time considering this decision and at times I do have an internal clarity about my question that results in knowing a healthy approach to my answer.  This how I see that healthy approach. 

Yes, I would get closure by sending a communication to the in-laws.  That closure would be for my relationship with the in-laws, not with with my ex. 

However, embedded in that truth is another thread of motivation that says, perhaps I can get together with them and talk about her traits and then I can ask their opinion and maybe they will offer to tell her that she is in the wrong and I will feel validated.  Even in the course of this fantasy, I cannot conjure an imaginary we-get-back-together-for-a-happily-ever-after ending.  I am sure of this b/c my ex decided that she was done.  She did not consult my in-laws before making the decision and I would bet that they tried to persuade her not to leave - assuming that she did not lie and tell them that I left her; clearing my name is yet another ulterior motive I have had clarity about for wanting "closure". 

Also I know from firsthand information that she was heavily persuaded by friends and others not to leave and she did anyway.  The only one who has lacked acceptance about her leaving is ME.  Therefore, the in-laws would have no other impact on the outcome other than allowing me to keep the door open to wishful thinking and thereby extending what has already been an extraordinarily painful time.

So, if you have the intention of getting closure with her parents, by all means go for it.  But I would suppose that, like me, you are on a slippery slope that is steep and greased with ulterior motivations. 

This is all extremely difficult stuff but I think your words about "having a hard time accepting" all of this are spot on and justifiably so.  Trying to keep the door open in some way is going to extend the duration of that difficult time as the parents are not likely to have an influence on your ex's decision.

Hope that explanation helps.

JRB
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