Controlling style: tantalizing

[unicorn2014]

From the article on FOG

They encourage us and promise love or money or career advancement, and then make it clear that unless we behave as they want us to, we won’t get the prize. Many tantalizers promise emotional payoffs full of love, acceptance, family closeness and healed wounds. Admission to this nirvana requires one thing: giving in to what the tantalizer wants.

This is my r/s in a nutshell.

My SO has provided none of the things he said he would: a house with a lot of light so I could have a painting studio. He said he would take care of me so I wouldn't have to work and I could paint. I have a huge resentment against him for tantalizing me.

I have not said a word to him about resenting him for tantalizing me.

I want to tell him I don't appreciate all the energy he put into building a fantasy world for us before he is even divorced.

I don't know if I should tell him this.

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[KateCat]

I think it's Grey Kitty who has used the phrase "No good can come of it" here on bpdfamily. (At least GK is the one I thank silently when I repeat this powerful idea to myself on many occasions. It really, really works!)

I wouldn't say any of this to him.

He probably wishes he could provide this light-filled, prosperous future for both of you.

The unusual amount of energy he has put into this fantasy project is a most likely a strong sign of mental illness. Preserving your own time and energy and planning for a future in your control sounds like a healthy path to me.

[unicorn2014]

He intends to provide all of that and he could, he is a man of means. What I'm angry about is the deception around why he's not divorced yet. He gets very upset when I talk about planning a future without him. I deeply resent him for spending so much time and energy painting a bright future for us meanwhile in the present he's going through a career change as the result of closing his business. He also can't access his shared assets so he's having to start all over.

[KateCat]

The friend I spoke of who was in the midst of a difficult divorce has now completed his divorce. (Writing a mid-six-figure check to his ex wife got him across the finish line). On the way to that conclusion, he lived in some unusual temporary quarters. In one case, a friend who owned a commercial building in a major shopping mall in his city let him bunk down in the building at night. 

If your guy is living in the basement of a warehouse, he may be as motivated as my friend was to move things along.

[unicorn2014]

It is the basement of his old office.

[KateCat]

Do you have an idea yet of how long you feel you will wait for him to divorce?

[Circle]

They encourage us and promise love or money or career advancement, and then make it clear that unless we behave as they want us to, we won’t get the prize. Many tantalizers promise emotional payoffs full of love, acceptance, family closeness and healed wounds. Admission to this nirvana requires one thing: giving in to what the tantalizer wants.

This is an interesting point/quote. I hadn't thought about it this way before. Tantalizing on the one hand, and if that doesn't work, punishment will be doled out.

Well, Unicorn, now that you know you aren't going to get what you want from this situation, have you accepted that as a reality? Or, are you still waiting on things to change?

[unicorn2014]

Circle there is no punishment and I will get what I want, but the timetable is indefinite.

KateCat, I do not know how long i will wait for him to get a divorce. Right now I don't have any other options in terms of men so there's no reason for me to leave him.

[Turkish]

The word "tantalize," comes from the Greek myth:

https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantalus

Tantulus was trapped in the Underworld in eternal punishment. You aren't powerless here in that sense, are you?

[unicorn2014]

The word "tantalize," comes from the Greek myth:

https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantalus

Tantulus was trapped in the Underworld in eternal punishment. You aren't powerless here in that sense, are you?

Nope as there is no punishment, I'm just waiting for something to happen.

[formflier]

  There is another part of the "tantalizing" dynamic.  They offer/we believe.  After I while it becomes obvious that we won't get what we want, yet we continue to hope and put energy into that.  The cure seems to be to realize that It is not going to come true  Now, this is not all bad.  That doesn't mean no good will come of it.    The key seems to be to decide that you will only participate in an emotionally healthy r/s and see what can come of it.  Unicorn, Do you remember the Charlie Brown video I sent.  If you have no familiarity with the cartoon, it won't have the same impact.  But Lucy tantalized Charlie with the football.  Charlie kept kicking and ending up on his back.    Somehow we need to realize the footballs we have been trying to kick in our life are not kickable.  Put that energy into a healthier place and enjoy the improvement in our lives.                  

FF

[unicorn2014]

Formflier, I hear what you are saying. I'm not sure that my r/s is making my life worse, however  it's not the refuge  it was made out to be. I  can't talk about my plans for my future with my SO as he wants to plan a future with me . He has not done any of the things he said he would in terms of divorcing and relocating . He promised me security. I don't feel secure at all.

[formflier]

  He promised me security. I don't feel secure at all.

                 Is it his role to provide you security?  Would you feel more secure if you were in control of the source of security in your life?  Where I am trying to get to in my r/s is that I provide for all my needs in my life.  Anything I get from my wife is a bonus.  If she is having an episode I won't have my needs affecting, I'll just be missing out on a nice bonus (fill in the blank).                  

FF

[unicorn2014]

He wants to provide for me. I am in control of my security, and right now I'm having some challenges because of  paying off  optometry and dental expenses. My ex husband didn't have medical insurance when I met him. That would be an example of a security issue. My partner does have medical insurance. I have been a single mother for 10 years by my own choice and it's been very hard.

[formflier]

  I am in control of my security  

                 Good!  So what are the reasons that you don't feel secure?   Perhaps we can come up with strategies that you can work on to feel more secure.  I'm glad you are not looking to your partner for security.                  

FF  

[unicorn2014]

I have been trying to reset my life . I've been experiencing setbacks every time I try to move forward in my career, from my daughter getting sent home from summer camp to getting sick. To be fair to my partner he is working very hard to make a living. He finally got the freedom he wanted and now he's having to work very hard to get back the security he's used to. It is his intention to support me and fill in the gaps for my daughter, and he has helped me out in the past but he's going through a hard time himself right now.

[formflier]

  Let your partners security be his concern.  No need to be fair about it.  Let your security be yours.  I wouldn't put much thought or hopes into his intentions.  Focus on his past performance to predict the future.                

FF

[unicorn2014]

Fairness is a part of interpersonal effectiveness. He has been very helpful with everything from groceries to clothes to dental bills, however now he's trying to get established . He knows I'm trying to work on building my new career. I don't need to talk to him about my own hopes and worries about my future as he can not provide me any reassurance. I actually told him to stop talking to me about the future . He used to be able to control me by tantalizing me and now I know better.

[KateCat]

Nice work, unicorn!

[Grey Kitty]

I guess I gotta say something since I've been quoted here.

And I do agree with my own words--telling him how you feel about his tantalizing promises of a fantasy world isn't likely to go well--at least not until he's on the other side of a good chunk of persona growth.

My suggestion instead is to 'watch' for those when they come up, and refuse to accept them. If he starts talking about what he "wants to provide for you" change the subject away from it. Gently at first, but firmly, going all the way to saying goodbye and hanging up if needed.

This is about accepting who he is.

Today he's the kind of guy who wants to live in a fantasy world, and promise you things he is not in a position to deliver. This is a "happy place" for him.

When you hear it, you want to believe it, but pretty soon reality hits you HARD, and you have a heartbreaking hangover from getting drunk on this fantasy. It just isn't worth it to you.

Instead, only accept when he is offering something real that he can do. (For example, IS capable of planning a trip to visit you, or something he can send you money for today.)

It sounds like you are getting to this point already  

[unicorn2014]

I'm not  drunk on the fantasy, I'm resentful of him for telling me those things in the first place. He hung up on me a little over an hour ago because I told him the first part of our relationship was bad. He was buying me dresses, toys, taking me to hotels and restaurants while I was thinking he was in the process of divorce. Then in September I found out no divorce was filed. Now he's trying to support himself after closing his business. I like him and our relationship much better now.

---

So back to the being hung up on question: what should I do? He hasn't called me back or texted me. Should I just wait to hear from him?

[formflier]

  Please respect that he doesn't want to talk right now.  Wait on him to reach out to you.  When he reaches out, before you answer, check yourself.  If you are able to answer the phone and have an even conversation with him about something OTHER than what you were hung up on about, then go ahead and answer.  If you are stlll smarting from being hung up on, give it time.  When you are ready, and when he is ready then resume contact.  If you are ready and he is not, give him space.  If he is ready and you are not, take your space.  There is a second issue going on here.  Telling him things about the relationship (your opinions) seems to have a history of being triggering.  You have expressed a desire to be a stayer and are making great strides a this!      Be aware that "telling" a pwBPD traits that part of your r/s is bad/lacking/unpleasant/that you don't like it or anything close to that is an "advanced" thing to do.  Lots of minefields in there.    Most times when I have said things like this to my wife she has dysreged and it took time to clean it up.    More later, if you are interested in how to express your opinions to him (especially negative ones) about any part of the r/s.                

FF

[unicorn2014]

He texted me so I called him back. He thinks he's supporting two households. I told him he has never supported my household and he never will. I told him I appreciated what he was doing in his life now and I appreciate our relationship now. Then I was also able to not pick it up when he said he was struggling. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to talk about it and he said probably not and I was able to let it go. He started talking to me about paying for classes and groceries for me and I didn't say much back other then it's hard for me to think about classes when I was thinking about buying  bread.

---

[formflier]

       I'm feeling your attitude change a bit.  Good job.  Listen, I'm a good, better, best guy.  So don't take the following as saying you did anything wrong.  Be careful about saying things like "never will".  Best to stay in the present tense.  Don't have enough information about the budget issues you are facing to give any advice there.                

FF

[unicorn2014]

I appreciate the never will statement , I was mad at him for talking about supporting two households when he's not supporting my household and never has, he's merely contributing. I know how to budget, that's not the problem. My health insurance recently changed so that's causing all kinds of problems for me.

[formflier]

I appreciate the never will statement , I was mad at him for talking about supporting two households when he's not supporting my household and never has, he's merely contributing. I know how to budget, that's not the problem. My health insurance recently changed so that's causing all kinds of problems for me.  

               These things veer off course very quickly.    Since he is not supporting and you don't need him for security, best to focus on solving you money issues yourself.  You can express to him that you have stressors and things you need time to focus on, assure him that it is not about him.  You have a right to keep details about what is on your mind private.                

FF  

[unicorn2014]

I got a check I was expecting so I can buy groceries now without having withdraw money from my savings.

He enhances my life but I am not dependent on him. He did buy me a museum membership which allows me to continue my education as an artist for which I am most appreciative .

I apologized to him for telling he would never support my household. I told him its best if we stay focused on the present and not talk about the future. He likes to live in the future, I like to live in the present .

I refuse to be tantalized by his visions of the future anymore, I want to live in the present , as difficult as it is.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not  drunk on the fantasy, I'm resentful of him for telling me those things in the first place.

Sorry--looking back at what I said, drunk was the wrong analogy. My point was the early on, you believed what he said about a future with you, and you got badly hurt when you woke up to the current reality with him. You've learned from that experience, and now prefer reality. 

I think refusing to go daydream about a future with him that he's not in a position to implement is excellent on your part.

[formflier]

  I apologized to him for telling he would never support my household. I told him its best if we stay focused on the present and not talk about the future. He likes to live in the future, I like to live in the present .  

               How did you feel after telling him that you will be focused on the present?  I'm seeing you defining who you are and what you will and won't do in the r/s.                 

FF

[unicorn2014]

Thank you grey kitty, that's exactly it, and I'm appreciative of what he is able to provide for me however I no longer want to listen to him talk about what he is not able to provide for me. It's a win win for both of us, I think. Like I said, I'm happy with where he's at now. I'd much rather have that then the fantasy he was spinning before. I need to heal from that and move on. I like things much better now.

FF I feel much better now that I've been able to stand my ground and I appreciate what he's able to give me in the present while rejecting fantasizing about the future.