Hello jessigirl, and
I'm sorry that you are estranged from your daughter. It must be frustrating to have the VA seeming to minimize her behaviors into a general category of "anxiety." Do you think they actually diagnosed her with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), or that they're not even going that far?
I think it's natural that you are not dealing with her behaviors as well as the rest of the family. Blood or not, you're still her mother.
We have a lot of members here who struggle with situations with their children as you do over on the
Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board. There are many struggling parents there who can support you. There are also lessons to the right of the board which can help you better understand how she thinks (BPD or not, her behaviors from your short description do sound BPD-like, and understanding the disorder can help).
Take Care,
Turkish