New Here, Looking for support/feedback

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey Everyone,

My significant other was diagnosed about 6 months ago. She confessed to an affair after the guilt was eating at her which made her go into crisis. Sorry for the long incoming post.

I wont go into specific behaviors, they are all similar to what everyone else shares. We have been attempting to work on the marriage, as we love each other very much and have young kids.

Although I have made the decision to forgive her, The affair has obviously affected me in many ways. I have been dealing with my own emotions/depression and it has been difficult. I have not been able to be the emotional stability she needs. Recently, I finally feel like I am turning a corner and am starting to heal and able to completely forgive and move on. However, at this moment, she keeps going back and forth with wanting to be in a relationship or not.

Currently, she feels she is not suited to be in a relationship, as she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone and do whatever she wants. She has stated she wants to remain together and co-parent the kids until they are 18 (all of this came when she became angry/raged one night after we had a disagreement). Obviously that doesn't work for me.

After that outbreak, I brushed it to the side as one of her rage fits, and the past 2 weeks had been awesome. We had gone out on dates, she initiated physical, verbal, emotional affection. Last night, after another disagreement, she went into a fit again, this time adding that she doesn't love me and isn't sexually attracted to me. After talking for about an hour, she later admitted that she is "protecting herself" by killing the spark and attraction she feels, as she doesn't want to allow herself to have those feelings for me, as she isn't fit to be in a relationship. Yes, very confusing.

The hardest part is distinguishing when she actually means what she is saying. My questions are: Does she mean what she says when she is in these fits? I think she doesn't, but I would like some insight/feedback. What skills can I use to get her out of her willful state of mind she currently is in.

I am on the fence of whether to stick around or to move on with my life.

Thanks for reading,
Method

[Method]

Hey Everyone,

My significant other was diagnosed about 6 months ago. She confessed to an affair after the guilt was eating at her which made her go into crisis. Sorry for the long incoming post.

I wont go into specific behaviors, they are all similar to what everyone else shares. We have been attempting to work on the marriage, as we love each other very much and have young kids.

Although I have made the decision to forgive her, The affair has obviously affected me in many ways. I have been dealing with my own emotions/depression and it has been difficult. I have not been able to be the emotional stability she needs. Recently, I finally feel like I am turning a corner and am starting to heal and able to completely forgive and move on. However, at this moment, she keeps going back and forth with wanting to be in a relationship or not.

Currently, she feels she is not suited to be in a relationship, as she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone and do whatever she wants. She has stated she wants to remain together and co-parent the kids until they are 18 (all of this came when she became angry/raged one night after we had a disagreement). Obviously that doesn't work for me.

After that outbreak, I brushed it to the side as one of her rage fits, and the past 2 weeks had been awesome. We had gone out on dates, she initiated physical, verbal, emotional affection. Last night, after another disagreement, she went into a fit again, this time adding that she doesn't love me and isn't sexually attracted to me. After talking for about an hour, she later admitted that she is "protecting herself" by killing the spark and attraction she feels, as she doesn't want to allow herself to have those feelings for me, as she isn't fit to be in a relationship. Yes, very confusing.

The hardest part is distinguishing when she actually means what she is saying. My questions are: Does she mean what she says when she is in these fits? I think she doesn't, but I would like some insight/feedback. What skills can I use to get her out of her willful state of mind she currently is in.

I am on the fence of whether to stick around or to move on with my life.

Thanks for reading,
Method

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[Mutt]

Hi Method,



I'm sorry that things are difficult right now. I would feel confused too. What you're describing is splitting and fear of abandonment, splitting id a primitive defense mechanism to protect against anxiety and stress. A pwBPD will see you as either "all good" or "all bad" and have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life or the people in it.

Fear of abandonment is narcissistic injury, a pwBPD fear abandonment and anticipate that loved ones will abandon them. The push pull behavior from a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. Many members her can relate you and offer you guidance and support. I suggest read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

How old are the kids? How are the kids?

[Method]

Hi Method,



I'm sorry that things are difficult right now. I would feel confused too. What you're describing is splitting and fear of abandonment, splitting id a primitive defense mechanism to protect against anxiety and stress. A pwBPD will see you as either "all good" or "all bad" and have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life or the people in it.

Fear of abandonment is narcissistic injury, a pwBPD fear abandonment and anticipate that loved ones will abandon them. The push pull behavior from a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. Many members her can relate you and offer you guidance and support. I suggest read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

How old are the kids? How are the kids?

Thanks for the reply. The kids are 5 and 11. They are ok for the most part, but as much as I hate to admit, I have noticed some behavioral changes. Needing a little more attention than they usually do. Small things like that. We have done a good job of having discussions behind closed doors.

I look forward to more insight, and I have picked up several books that I am starting to read. We were happily married for many years prior to this past year, she was fine. My hopes are that we can ride this wave and get back to that place? Is that possible? It makes it really hard when she is rejecting me and telling me that she doesn't have what it takes to be in a relationship anymore. I know she doesn't want to lose me but When do I leave? How long do I try?

[Mutt]

Hi Method,

That's good that you've been able to work together regarding the kids. Are the kids seeking more attention because of mom? I have three kids if my own with my ex wife that displays traits if BPD and sometimes it's hard but I give then what move can't give sometimes, it helps that they have emotionally stable parent to keep them grounded.

Ww have different boards and you're welcome to look around, but I can hear that you're unhappy and unsure. We do have tools that you can find on the right side of the board that will help with a r/s with a pwBPD. An option is that you can try the tools.

I didn't know about BPD until after my marriage but throughout the entirety if my r/s I kept hoping that my ex would return to a state of permanent idealization. As the years passed, I didn't think about as often but right to the very end i wanted the person that I had in the honeymoon phase to return. My advice is we have to let go that of that ideal because it's not realistic or healthy.

I mentioned splitting and a pwBPD can be polarized with their thinking but we did have many moments as well when things were in the middle, I think that's who my exuBPDw, she has a disorder where it's difficult for her to regulate her emotions or self sooth. Another option could be to share on the undecided board, there's no need to hurry to make a decision. Welcome to the family.

[Method]

Thanks for the replies.

I posted in there as well. I look forward to some helpful insight.